Jessica POV

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not much has changed in the way we practice together, other than the fact that we practice 5 feet apart from each other.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’ve completed a couple of songs since “the kiss,” and although the first night was a little awkward, we seem to have found our groove.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We haven’t talked about the kiss, and we haven’t talked about Taeyeon, and we haven’t discussed why she plays on the floor and why I write alone on the bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s no reason to discuss it, because we’re both very aware of all of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The fact that we’ve admitted our attraction to each other doesn’t seem to have eliminated it the way we’d hoped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For me, it’s like a huge elephant in the room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It feels as if it takes up so much space when I’m with her that it presses me against the wall, squeezing the last traces of breath out of me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I keep telling myself it’ll get better, but it’s been almost 2 weeks since the kiss, and it hasn’t gotten easier at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Luckily, I have 2 interviews next week, and if I get hired, at least it’ll get me out of the house more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donghae and Bora both work and go to school, so they’re not here a whole lot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuri works from home, so the fact that we’re both here alone the majority of the day is always at the front of my mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Out of all the hours in the day, though, the hour I hate the most is when Yuri is in the shower.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Which means I really hate this hour, since that’s where she is right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hate where my thoughts go when I know she’s one wall away from me, completely unclothed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus, Jessica.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hear the water turn off and the shower curtain slide open, and I squeeze my eyes shut, trying once again not to picture her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This would probably be a good time of day to turn on some music to drown out my thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as the door closes between the bathroom and her bedroom, there’s a knock at the front door.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I gladly jump off the bed and head toward the living room to get my mind off the fact that I know Yuri is in her room getting dressed right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t even bother looking through the peephole, which is a very bad oversight on my part.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I swing open the door to find Jun standing sheepishly at the top of the stairs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He eyes me, his expression apologetic and nervous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My heart drops to my stomach at the mere sight of him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s been weeks since I last laid eyes on him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was beginning to forget what he looked like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His dark hair is longer since I last saw him, and it reminds me that I’m always the one to schedule his hair appointments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The fact that he hasn’t even bothered to make his own appointment makes him that much more pathetic to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Should I give Dara the number for your barber? Your hair looks awful.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The mention of Dara’s name makes him grimace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m not jumping back into his arms that’s causing that regretful expression on his face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You look good,” he says, capping his words off with a smile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I am good,” I say, not sure if I’m lying to him or not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He runs a free hand over his jaw and turns away from me, appearing to regret the fact that he’s here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How is he here? How does he even know where I live?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“How did you know where to find me?” I ask, tilting my head in curiosity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I see the split-second shift of his eyes as they glance across the courtyard toward Dara’s apartment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s obvious he doesn’t want me to notice what’s going on in his mind, because it would only shed light on the fact that he’s still visiting Tori on a regular basis.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Can we talk?” he asks, his voice void of the confidence I’ve always known him to have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“If I let you in and convince you it’s over, will you promise to stop texting me?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He barely nods his head, so I step aside, and he walks into the living room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I walk to the dining-room table and pull out a chair, making it obvious that he’s not making himself comfortable by sitting on the couch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He walks toward the table as his eyes work their way around the room, more than likely in search of information on who lives here with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He grips the back of the chair and pulls it out slowly while his eyes focus on a pair of Donghae and Yuri’s shoes tucked beside the couch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I like that he noticed them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Are you living here now?” he asks, his voice tight and controlled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“For now,” I say, my voice even more controlled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m proud of myself for keeping calm, because I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t hurt to see him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I gave him 2 years of my life, and all the things I felt for him can’t just be cut off at once.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feelings take time to disappear, so they’re still here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They’re just mixed and swirled together with a hell of a lot of hatred now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s confusing to feel this way when I see him, because I never thought I could dislike the man in front of me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I never thought he would betray me the way he did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Do you think that’s safe? Just moving in with some stranges you barely know?” He’s eyeing me disapprovingly as he takes his seat, as if he has the right to judge any part of my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You and Dara didn’t leave me much choice, did you? I found myself screwed over and homeless on my birthday. If anything, I would think you should be congratulating me for handling it all so well. You sure as hell can’t sit here and judge me.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He huffs, then leans forward over the table and closes his eyes, pressing the palms of his hands against his forehead. “Jess, please. I didn’t come here to fight or make excuses. I came here to tell you how sorry I am.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If there’s one thing I’d like to hear from him, it’s an apology.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If there are 2 things I’d like to hear, it’s an apology followed by a good-bye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Well, you’re here now,” I say quietly. “Have at it. Tell me how sorry you are.” My voice isn’t confident anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In fact, I want to punch myself, because it sounds really sad and heartbroken, and that’s the last thing I want him to think I feel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry, Jess,” he says, spitting the words out fast and desperately. “I’m so, so sorry. I know it won’t make it better, but things have always been different between Dara and me. We’ve known each other for years, and I know it’s not an excuse, but our relationship was ual before you even met us. But that’s all it was. It was just , and once you were in the picture, neither of us could figure out how to just put a stop to something that had been going on between us for years. I know this doesn’t make sense, but what I had with her was completely separate from what I had with you. I love you. If you’ll just give me one more chance to prove myself, I’ll never speak to Dara again.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My heart is pounding as hard as it was the moment I found out they were sleeping together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m inhaling controlled breaths in an effort not to climb across the table and beat the out of him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m also clenching my fists in an effort not to climb across the table and kiss him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would never take him back, but my head is so damned confused right now, because I miss what we had so much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was simple and good, and my heart never ached the way it’s been aching these past few weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s confusing me the most is the fact that my heart hasn’t been aching like this because I can’t be with Jun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s aching because I can’t be with Yuri.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I realize as I’m sitting here that I’m more upset that Yuri came into my life than I am that Jun left it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How screwed up is that?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before I can respond, Yuri’s bedroom door opens, and she walks out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuri pauses just feet from the table when she sees Jun sitting across from me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She glances from Jun to me, just as Jun turns to see who I’m looking at.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can see the concern wash over Yuri’s face, along with a flash of anger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She eyes me hard, and I know exactly what’s going through her head right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She’s wondering what the hell Jun is doing here, just as I am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I nod in reassurance, letting Yuri know I’m fine.