Chapter 37

Author’s POV

Time passed but Yuri was stuck inside a moment of affirmation and acceptance once again. His eyes felt heavy and so he succumbed to its command and when he opened them once again, he wasn’t in the white room anymore. His hands and feet weren’t tied up and his surroundings made him realize he was at the parameters of his house.

Yuri made sure to look around the house for any sign of another person inside but just like the masked person said he was all alone and everything happened in his head.

It wasn’t a dream and Yuri finally accepted that. He was back to his former self, the one he tried so hard to forget. The one who wanted to run away from the harsh reality he was in… the reality where he took a life with his own hands.

Yuri walked back to his room and saw the box he had kept all these years. He felt hostile towards it. He was aware of the inconsistency of its existence and the memories that just returned to him. In end he couldn’t shake off the vividness of the memories he had. He remembered the exact moment he pulled the trigger, the exact moment when Taekwoon fell to his death and the exact feelings of that moment. There was no competition between it and a box that was full of writings that’s supposedly the truth of everything, left for him by his mother.

He took the box with his hands and roughly tossed it inside his cabinet where it belonged before. He no longer had any intention to investigate further. His heart felt heavy but it was as though it was meant to be like that. Right now Yuri felt at peace with himself. The idea that he was ever a good person never really made sense to him. It has always been the opposite with Yuri. It was always the bad and never the good.

“I’m Kwon Yuri and I killed Jung Taekwoon 6 years ago.” Yuri says to himself. Tears rolled down his eyes and guilt poured down with it.

--

Jessica’s POV

Days and weeks passed since the last time I talked to Yuri. To be honest, this quiet time or whatever it is we’re doing really gave me a chance to think and analyze our situation, especially my feelings. I didn’t know I needed this until Yuri brought this whole idea of not talking for a while.

For the most part I’ve figured out that I do have feelings for Yuri… that’s been established before but the main problem now is categorizing them. Yes, I have feelings for him but I don’t know where they’re coming from. It hit me when we started avoiding each other. Do I have real feelings for him? Or do I just feel this overwhelming pity for him that I may or may not be just translating into having “romantic” feelings for him. The idea that I may have started falling in love with him struck me but I may have just been in that moment too deep to actually know what I was saying and or thinking.

As of now, I haven’t established the answer yet. Hopefully, I’ll be able to find out for sure before we start talking again.

For now, I need to get through this sky lantern design with Taeyeon and the upcoming exams.

Me and Taeyeon were skyping and talking about the design we’ll do and as well as random stuff here and there. We actually have the design locked down. We’re gonna do a beach themed lantern. That’s one thing me and Taeyeon have in common; we both love the beach.

I used to live near one back in San Francisco and the sounds of the waves crashing to the shore was my version of upbeat party music teens my age liked.

“So how’s life Jessica?” awkwardly asks me. I know for a fact that this is not what she wanted to ask.

“I’m good and you Taeyeon?” I imitated her and we both laugh. For weeks, she’s been really holding out on asking me and or Yuri about us. She went along with the flow even though it was pretty obvious that something was up between me and Yuri.

There was even a time where Yuri and I accidentally bumped into each other going to class and Taeyeon was behind us. I didn’t give Yuri a second look and I’m assuming he did the same too. I entered the room first and went to my seat without saying a word.  

“Okay I know that topic is practically hostile territory right now but the curiosity is killing me. The two of you haven’t talked for weeks. You guys don’t even look at each other!” Taeyeon is starting to sound a lot like Tiffany, well at least right now. This is exactly how Tiffany would’ve sounded. I haven’t updated Tiffany yet and it’s all because I’ve been trying to keep things on the low. I don’t exactly know how to share stuff with Tiffany without compromising Yuri’s secrets.

“It’s not hostile territory…” I smile at the way she uses her words “…it’s just really complicated.” I just had to use the most cliché way to explain things. Complicated could mean hundreds and thousands of things but it is what it is.

“I understand, I get it.” Taeyeon nods her head and goes back to drawing her part of the lantern design and I go back to mine but then she suddenly speaks again

“Did you guys fight though? I mean he does a lot of weird but I can assure you that he’s a nice human being.” Taeyeon’s not gonna drop this anytime soon. I find it surprisingly amusing and I think it’s because of how animated her way of speech is.

“We didn’t. We’re just… well… we’re… I guess…” I stumbled around with the words, trying to figure out how to explain it to Taeyeon. “We’re in good terms. We’re just… not really in speaking terms.” I may have just confused Taeyeon rather than shed some clarity.

And just as I figured, Taeyeon looks at me with slightly open, probably trying to understand what abomination of an explanation I had just said to her.

“Okay so you guys are good but you just don’t want to speak to each other?”

“Exactly.” I give her a sheepish smile and hope that she’ll live with that explanation. I look at her through my computer screen and I notice the sudden shift in her mood.

“Uhm… I don’t want to put so much pressure on you but like I’ve… I’ve never seen Yuri like when he’s with you. Before you he was… well he was okay but he kept to himself so much. It was like he’ll only talk to other people for certain things. Like his teammates, you won’t see him hanging around the soccer team except during training. He’s like that with other people too and as for me… well I can talk to him freely but I barely get anything from him.” Taeyeon paused, she heaves a breath and then continues.

“What I’m trying to say is… you’ve been really good for Yuri; you know? It was really nice to see him acting outside his routine. And again I don’t mean to put any pressure on you but to be really honest, I would really like to see that Yuri again.”

My heart goes out to Taeyeon’s concern and worry over Yuri but things are not exactly in my control. One of the things I realized during this silent game between me and Yuri is that everything is in his control. I want to help him but the decision to let me is his and it will never be mine. In a way, I’ve accepted the fact that whatever he’s going through right now is something that I can never really fully help him in because this thing he’s facing is deeper than what I’ll ever understand and it’s all because, just like what he said, I’m not him and I will never be.

“Taeyeon…I really don’t know what to say.”

“It’s fine, really. I just wanted to get that off my chest, you know?” Taeyeon shook her head as if to wake herself up and said “Enough about the serious stuff! You lived near the beach right? How was that?”

I smiled and proceeded to tell her most of my life in San Francisco. In the midst of, random conversations and all the laughter, me and Taeyeon managed to finish the design for the sky-lantern. We bid each other goodnight and called it a day.

I put all my stuff away and plopped myself in bed.

Today, just like the previous days after my last talk with Yuri, my mind goes blank and only one thing or rather person remains.

I spend the whole day not thinking and ignoring Yuri that at the end of each day my mind just automatically empties itself of everything else except him. It goes on until I fall asleep and then when I wake up again, my mind does the opposite. My mind does this routine day in day out, without fail.

At this point I really don’t know what I should do and to be honest… to be really honest, I don’t think I should do anything. I look back at my myself from a year ago and somehow I can see why Yuri wants to fix everything alone.

I was like that too. When everyone wanted to be around me to comfort me, I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be able to stand on my own two feet. I didn’t want anyone’s pity. Maybe Yuri’s feeling that way too. The best thing to do will be to wait.

"Just wait, Jess. Just wait." I tell myself

--

NEXT DAY

Morning came and I got out from bed just in time for breakfast. Kris made French toasts, fried some eggs and bacon and to top it all of he made this weird morning juice that seems to be for his training.

“That looks appalling. Do you really have to drink that every morning?”  I asked bewilderingly

“Not really. Yuri just told me to try it out and it’s pretty good and even better for your body.” He says to me and chugs it down like a champ

I shook my head and sat down to eat breakfast with my cousin. And just like that I ignore the mention of Yuri’s name.

When that was done, we both took off to our own rooms to get showered and ready for school. We left our apartment at record time. I’m pretty sure this is the earliest we’ve gotten to school.

My eyes scan the scattered students walking to school but I didn’t see Yuri. I had hoped to see him. He always came to school early so I assumed he’d be out and about right now but that doesn’t seem to be the case. He might be already in school for all I know.

“Did you bring your swimsuit?” Kris pulls me out of my thoughts as he asked

Today’s the first day of our swimming class. It’s joint class with the other sections which would be fun since we’ll get to see Sooyoung and the others whom I’ve grown close with over the past few weeks.

“Yeap and you?” I asked back

“Technically, I don’t have to attend that class anymore but I still have to stick around to help the teacher facilitate and what not since it’s a joint class.”

I forgot about that. Kris doesn’t have to attend gym anymore since he’s officially a soccer team member. It’s one of those instances where I wished I was more athletic but sadly I don’t have any of my mother’s gymnastic skills and or my father’s boxing skills. All that athletic stuff got dumped on my sister who can’t exactly take advantage of it that much since she’s a bit weak in the health department.

“Lucky you…” I said under my breath

“You’re good at swimming though so this class should be a walk in the park for you.”

“Swimming pools are different. They’re not as fun as swimming at the beach.”

“Well technically it’s still class. Classes are not meant to be fun anyway.”

I chuckled a bit and before I knew it we were already in Whimoon. Me and Kris entered our designated classroom and just as I thought, Yuri was already there. He had his head down but as soon as Kris opened the door he looked straight at our direction. Kris looks at me with worry but I muster up a smile and enter the classroom first.

My cousin soon follows and goes to his seat at the back where Yuri was. I hear Kris pulling his chair and setting his things down. There was this unspoken tension inside the classroom and in the middle of it was Kris who had nothing to contribute in this very uncomfortable set-up.

The silence got so bad that the only thing that could be really heard was the tick-tocking of the clock and three steady breaths. Minutes passed and finally something broke the silence. The door opened again revealing someone really unexpected.

My eyes widened and my mind immediately went to Yuri. I turn to him and he only looked at Choa at the door for a second and went back to looking out the window.

“Jessica? Can I talk to you outside for a bit?” She spoke in a careful manner. From the way her words were said, I felt like whatever she wanted to talk about was something serious.

“Yeah, sure.” I got out of my seat and went outside with Choa.

I closed the door behind me and faced Choa. She was wearing a nervous expression and it made me weary. I’ve only seen the strong side of her personality from our limited encounters.

“I came here to ask…” she starts off with a barely audible voice

“…to ask if...” I can see the struggle she has in completing her sentence. I have no idea what this could be about. The last time I talked to her was about Yuri.

Right. Yuri. This might be about Yuri.

“It’s okay, Choa. You can say anything.” I gave her a reassuring smile in hopes that she’d feel more comfortable telling me whatever that’s bothering her.

“I… want to ask if you can… I mean if we can be fr— “her words were cut short when the door opened again.

Yuri stepped out of the classroom and walked right past us. He didn’t even look at us… or me. He just went on his way and took a right to the next hallway. I looked back at Choa and acted as if nothing happened.

“You were saying?” I plastered back my smile and asked

Choa turns her head to look behind her for a second then returns her gaze back at me.

“I wanted to ask if we can be friends?” her voice sounded so fragile that for a split second I thought I was talking to a whole other person.

“Of course we can. I mean I already consider you as one so you really didn’t have to ask.”

“Jessica… what I meant was I… I… want to hang out with you. That means being seen with me. I just want to make sure you know that.”

“I know that. Taeyeon and the others would be more than glad to add more people to our little lunch group.” I’m actually not so sure about this but they’re really nice people and so I don’t think they’ll ever mind that I bring Choa around.

“We have that joint gym class later right? Let’s meet there later and I’ll introduce you to everyone!”

Choa gave me a puzzled expression. It was like she wanted things to be more complex.

“Yeah… yeah. I’ll see you later then.” Choa gives me a smile and walks away as if she was in a hurry.

I went back inside my classroom and settled down once again. My classmates filled the room one by one and soon class was about to start. Ms. Sun Hee was already inside the room and starting her lesson when Yuri came back. When he opened the door he bowed his head and quickly apologized for being late. Yuri walked back to his seat quietly. I ignored every part of me that wanted to look back. I immersed myself in the lesson and soon enough my thoughts were filled with anything but him.

--

Author’s POV

Gym time came and as a school policy, all athletes are not required to attend this class however it would be still under the discretion of the assigned teacher and the respective coaches of what the students would do during Gym time. As agreed upon, the senior student-athletes would be participating in gym time by assisting the teacher in the joint class of all senior sections. Whimoon has been extensively investing in their facilities for the past few years. The result is specialized buildings, top-notch facilities and a huge stadium-like building just for their Olympic size pool.

“Everyone settle down and line up according to your section. Go! Go! Go!” the teacher raises his voice to which the students responded quickly.

Everyone lined up except for the student athletes of each section. They stood beside the teacher and waited for further orders.

“Alright so Good Morning ladies and gents. I’m Park Tae Hwan, your new swimming instructor. It’s nice to see that for once everyone actually followed the prescribed swimming attire so that’s already a plus for me.” Mr. Park glances from side to side to look at his students. Girls were required to wear rash guards while boys were either given a choice to wear rash guards for their tops or not and as for their bottoms, they were given the prescribed swimming shorts.

“…Okay as you all know student athletes are exempted from this class however I’ve enlisted their help to facilitate this joint class. I’m also happy to announce that all of these people beside me have backgrounds on swimming because of their respective trainings so that means, everyone should feel safer than ever.”

One of these student-athletes being Yuri, he stood at the very end of the line. He wore a dri fit sweatshirt and the prescribed swimming shorts. As always he looked uninterested with the events that were transpiring around him. He found himself only half-existing inside the class. The other half of him was wandering inside his head.

“Before we formally start our class, let’s have some fun shall we? Since we have a handful of student athletes here, why don’t we have a little competition between all of you! The fastest one to do 1 full lap gets to skip this class for today.”

The regular students groaned at the sudden announcement. It didn't matter what class it was, everyone wanted to skip one if they had the chance to.

“I’m not done yet. As for you regulars, whoever wants to challenge and beat the record of the winner gets to skip class as well.”

The fun competition ignited the interests of the students and the whole thing set the exciting atmosphere around the swimming area. Jessica snuck behind the lines with Taeyeon and joined Sooyoung and the others.

“Looks like it’s a battle of pride.” Sooyoung says as she glances over the student athletes warming up for the mini competition.

Among the athletes was Kris who looked a bit nervous.

“Does Kris swim?” Taeyeon asked as she noticed the slightly restless Kris

“A bit? He wasn’t really into water sports to begin with. It’s always been soccer.” Jessica replies. She then goes up to her cousin to cheer him.

“Are you okay? You look like you’re about piss your pants.”

“Is this your version of a pep talk? If it is, you .” Kris takes a deep breath and releases it with an uneasy expression

“Oh come on. It’s just a fun competition. It’s not that serious.” Jessica puts her hands on Kris’ shoulders and gives him a reassuring smile

“Just have fun out there. Think of San Francisco waves while you’re down there.” Jessica gives him a quick pat on the back and runs back to Taeyeon and the others.

Running back, Jessica sees Choa at one corner, alone. She remembers their encounter earlier and quickly makes a detour towards her.

“Hey! I was about to look for you! Let’s go. Taeyeon and the others are at the other side.”  Choa looked a bit uneasy but in the end she followed Jessica around and they rejoined Taeyeon and the others. Jessica walked ahead of Choa and so when they reached the others, everyone didn’t notice Choa at first.

“Hey guys! You guys all know Choa right?” Jessica moves to the side to reveal her little guest to everyone else.

Jessica had hoped that it wouldn’t be awkward, considering she didn’t even give the others a heads up about this little addition to their group. Thankfully, everyone was on their toes and totally acted normal. Well at least in Jessica’s eyes. All of the senior students started to pick their seats up on the bleachers to the side to watch the swimming exercise by the athletes. Jessica’s group followed suit and picked a spot.

Taecyeon, who just came from the changing rooms, power-walked towards Kris and Yuri who were talking.

“Good luck to both of you.” Taecyeon gives Kris a pat on the back. He then looks at Yuri who in gratitude just gave him a quick bow.

Taecyeon looks for Jessica first and ends up sitting beside her and the others.

“This should be fun, right?” Taecyeon tries to start a conversation with Jessica

“I think so too. I just hope Kris doesn’t hurt himself or anything. He’s a bit nervous.” Taecyeon notices the way Jessica spoke. He immediately noticed the fact that she was trying to avoid talking about Yuri.

“Nah. He’ll do fine. He’s your cousin after all.” Taecyeon offers a smile and they both turn their attention to the front.

“Alright! So let’s see here, we have representatives from Basketball, Soccer, Taekwondo and Track and Field. Now this should be fun.” The teacher speaks as the athletes beside him start stretching.

Yuri and Kris, the two representatives of the soccer team of Whimoon were talking about each other’s background in swimming.

“I bet you can swim well.” Kris says

“I don’t know. Maybe. You?” Yuri flips back the questions. As always, Yuri was being himself. Always trying to shed the littlest of information about him. 

“Well, I can but I’m not good. I feel nervous for absolutely no reason.” Kris jumped a few times to shake off his nervousness while Yuri just looked at him. 

Just then the teacher asks the participants to line up and ready themselves. Yuri takes this time to personally approach their instructor to ask for a favor.

“Sir, would it be okay if I kept my sweatshirt on? The rash guard was too small for me.”  Yuri didn’t exactly mind bearing his top in front of other people however he had things on his body he wasn’t comfortable showing other people.

“Unfortunately no. Rules are rules. Maybe yours got switched with someone else. Do you want me to ask them?”

“No. That wouldn’t be necessary. I’ll just take it off. Thank you, sir.” Yuri jogs back to the starting point. He was the last one to get into position so he didn’t have much of a choice but take the dive board nearest to the bleachers.

Taeyeon, Sooyoung, Hyoyeon, Sunny, Jessica, Choa and Taecyeon were all seated at the lower part of the bleachers. Everyone started cheering for all the participants. Taeyeon, in particular cheered for Yuri and Kris.

“Yuri and Kris, FIGHTING!” Taeyeon shouted from her seat. Kris looked over to her and waved while Yuri gave a quick bow. Looking over to Taeyeon, Yuri’s eyes met Jessica’s. The contact stayed for 5 solid seconds before Jessica finally decided to smile at him. Yuri gave a small nod back and looked away.

Yuri closed his eyes and tried to block out all the negative thoughts in his head. The worst thing he could do was lose control and drown himself. Today isn’t gonna be one of those days, Yuri told himself mentally.

Yuri opened his eyes and proceeded to take off the sweatshirt he was wearing. Random girls started screaming and cheering for him. Yuri ignored them all and started to pretend that no one was watching him. One by one, he eliminated everyone inside the pool area in his head but he had trouble erasing one person from the picture. The pool area was empty except for Jessica. She was the only one left inside Yuri's imagination. 

The ones at the lower part of the bleachers started to notice something odd about Yuri’s body. Behind the fit and toned body was a collection of small scars all over his back.

“Are those…scars?” Sooyoung asked

This was the first time any of them saw Yuri’s topless and so the news about the scars all over his back was new to them.

“I think so. I remember him saying he got into some kind of accident when he was young. I could be wrong though.” Taeyeon tried to offer an explanation. She looked over to Jessica as if trying to ask if she knew anything but to her surprise Jessica ignored the whole topic altogether and started talking to Choa about almost everything under the sun.

“It seems everybody’s ready. Start after my whistle, alright?” Park Taehwan, the instructor, reminds the participants.

All 10 participants readied themselves and once the whistle blew sounds of water splashing echoed all around the room. 

--

LONG TIME NO UPDATE 

Sorry. 

I love you all please forgive my on and off updates! Life and took me away from writing haha anyways I'm here now!

THANK YOU FOR THE CONTINUED SUPPORT! 

Anyone here watch Produce 101? I haven't watched the latest ep. (if you do watch it and you've caught up to it pls dont spoil me huhu) 

KIM SEJEONG, JEON SOMI, KIM SOHYE, KIM NAYOUNG AND KANG MINA ARE BAES

That is all. 

THANK YOU AGAIN! (let me know what you think about this update! Comment below my beloved readers)