Chapter 30

NORMAL POV

The day ended how it always does. Students started packing up their things and going either in groups or by themselves. At the back of the classroom, Yuri could be seen still sitting and looking straight at Jessica. His thoughts were in their usual state, all tangled up with each other.

Why was she with Choa…

Jessica glanced back as she felt the weight of Yuri’s stare on her. She smiled but to her dismay, Yuri did not respond though he kept his eyes on her. When she moved away from her spot, she noticed that Yuri’s gaze did not follow her. Jessica made her way to Yuri’s seat and snapped her fingers in front of him to wake him up from his trance.

“Yuri? You okay?” She asks as the peculiar boy returns his gaze on her

“I’m sorry. I’m just a bit tired, that’s all.” Yuri smiles at her and gets up from his seat and grabs his bag.

“…Ready to go?”

“Lead the way!” Jessica smiles toothlessly.

Yuri walked in front of Jessica out of the classroom and into the student-filled hall. As per usual, eyes were glued to them. It wasn’t anything new to them now. If anything they were used to the unnecessary attention. The rumors that surrounded Jessica has now taken over the whole school. As the two got closer to the exit, Jessica spotted Choa from the sides, just like the others, eyeing their every move. Although Choa was 100% against helping or associating herself with Yuri (not after what happened last year), she had to admit that her curiosity towards him has once again awakened itself with Jessica’s involvement. The two walked by her without saying a word and soon they found themselves outside the premises of Whimoon. Jessica still doesn’t know where they were headed so she decided to ask the captain, herself.

“Where are we off to?”

“I’ll walk you home.” Yuri says curtly

Jessica nods quietly and matches her pace with Yuri as they both walk towards their destination. A slight gush of wind passed them by but still silence remained intact. Yuri was stuck inside his thoughts while Jessica was stuck trying to figure him out.

“Uhm…” Jessica quietly called out. Yuri looked over to his side and there his gaze met with Jessica, making him feel a rush of vulnerability.

“You said, you wanted to talk right?” Jessica continued but to no avail, Yuri kept his silent mode on.

“Is everything okay? Are you sick again?” Jessica touched Yuri’s forehead and compared it with hers only to be left even more confused because Yuri didn’t feel particularly warm to her or what.

“I’m fine. I just… uh…” Yuri let out a sigh and attempted to gather his thoughts once and for all

“...Something came up. I can’t stay long. I’m sorry. Let’s just do the sketching thing, online? I’ll draw up a few then send them to you later. I’m really sorry.”

“Ohhh. Is that all? It’s fine, really! No need to apologize.” Jessica smiled reassuringly while Yuri just stared back at her.

Yuri insisted on walking Jessica home before taking off to God knows where. Yuri felt threatened for whatever reason. He didn’t know why but he wasn’t comfortable with Jessica hanging around Choa. After last year’s incident, Yuri never spoke to Choa ever again. Just like most things in his life, Yuri wasn’t sure why it was like that at all. It could be that he just didn’t have the reason to talk to Choa or maybe there just wasn’t a chance to but why does he feel threatened and somewhat uneasy with regards to Choa getting involved with Jessica?

“I need to know why…” Yuri says to himself as he turns right around and returns to Whimoon.

--

Choa’s POV

I just saw Yuri and Jessica together. I don’t know what Jessica is up to but if I were her, I would steer clear away from that boy. I don’t care if what that detective from before told me wasn’t true. The fact is, Kwon Yuri screams trouble. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out and Jessica is a smart girl or at least that how she seems to me but then again even the smartest of the bunch have their own share of wrong decisions. I promised to help and I did it out of pure guilt. Guilt because I had Jessica return to those times she wanted to forget.

I heaved a sigh and walked out of the academic building. Ever since the accident, my family doesn’t let me go anywhere without a driver/staff following me around. Naturally, every day I would be fetched by our family’s driver. As I got out of the campus and into the driveway, I saw our car. I was about to get on when I heard my name.

“Choa…” I turn my head towards the direction and there I saw Kwon Yuri standing, looking at me without remorse.

At this moment, our driver went out of the car to see why I haven’t hopped in yet. He saw Yuri and was about to tell him off but I stopped him.

“It’s okay. He’s a friend.” I say and immediately our driver backs down and goes back inside the car. I turn my attention back at Yuri.

“What is it?” I ask him boldly. A part of me feels threatened with his presence. He was the person who saw me at my weakest point and having him stand there and just stare at me like nothing ever happened makes me feel so exposed and weak all over again. He’s the living proof of my existence. The reason why I’m still here right at this moment, the reason why I’m still breathing.

“Do you have time? I want to talk to you about something.”

Kwon Yuri? Talk to me? This day is full of surprises it seems. First Jessica and now him… I wonder…

“It depends on what you want to talk about.”

Yuri looked weary and it was obvious that he was trying to be careful with his words but it only took him a few ones to make me really understand what he wanted to talk about.

“About something that has been long overdue.”

I thought about it and I can’t deny the fact that I am interested in what he has to say. Who wouldn’t be, right?

“Get in” I opened the car’s door and hopped in.  A couple of seconds passed before Yuri got on as well. I told the driver to drive around and go pretty far away from the school and the neighborhood.

We stopped at the edge of our town’s boundary. I told our driver to step out of the vehicle to give me and Yuri some time to talk. I looked at my side and unexpectedly, Yuri was already staring at me.

“So what’s this long overdue thing you wanted to talk about?” I casually asked even though I already know what it was.

“Before that I want you to understand that Jessica is important to me. Don’t ask me why, she just is. So whatever we talk about now, I hope it stays between us.”

I kept silent and listened to what he has to say.

“That incident from last year… does Jessica know about it?”

“She found out about it. I don’t know how but yes she’s aware of it.” I answered

Yuri closes his eyes and took a breather. If I’m not mistaken, from what I’m seeing now, he probably didn’t want her to know.

“I’m assuming she asked you about it and you told her?”

“She asked me for more details which means Jessica already knew about it before she came to me.”

Yuri looks out the window and then back at me. His eyes were weary and to be honest they looked dead to me. It’s like something out the life out of him.

“What did you tell her then?”

I shook my head and said “This conversation is going nowhere. Jessica knows what happened at that bell tower, that’s it.”

“No… that’s not it. I want you to tell me what you told her. Your exact words.”

“You were up there with me. I told her what happened, plain and simple. If you’re worried that I told her lies, you can ask her yourself.”

There’s no reason for me to lie about anything. Half of the student body actually saw what happened and it would be stupid for me to lie.

“You don’t understand… I… I wasn’t up there with you.” He says as he emphasizes on the last two words.

I couldn’t help but let out a sarcastic laugh “Let’s not be delusional here. You were there. You’re the reason why I’m still here when I shouldn’t be. You’re the reason why I’m sitting in this car beside you instead of being 6 feet under.” A small part of me felt relieved after saying letting this out.

Silence loomed over us for a couple seconds then Yuri spoke up

“The me right now, right at this moment, isn’t the same Yuri that was with you up at that bell tower.”

Like I said earlier, this conversation is headed nowhere.

“Of course you aren’t. The girl you saved at that bell tower is gone. People change, Yuri. It’s been over a year.”

Yuri heaved a sigh turned to look the other way. I could tell that he was feeling frustrated but I don’t know why.

“You don’t understand…. And I shouldn’t expect you to but It’s hard to explain. Regardless of change, the truth is I wasn’t there with you. It wasn’t me… because… because if it was really me, the me right now, I would remember what happened.”

Chills ran down my spine. What is he trying to say….?

“What do you mean ‘remember’?” My heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. It was a mix of fear and anger but more of the latter. If he is gonna say what I think he’s gonna say then he is right, it is overdue.

“It means what it means, Choa. I don’t remember anything.”

In one moment time froze. My breathing stopped for seconds then picked up an uneven pattern. My emotions ran faster than my thoughts and without me thinking, my hand landed on Yuri’s face. I took my hand back. The words “I’m sorry” didn’t come out. How could it when my everything was slowly being filled with anger and all these other emotions that were along that line.

“Like I said, I don’t expect you to understand. I know how you feel and I’m sorry but it’s the truth. I don’t remember anything. Jessica… right now… is my priority. I… I don’t want to lose her. At least not without me fighting to keep her. That’s why I want to talk to you about this but I guess this isn’t the right time. I’ll wait for you to at least have a grasp of the reality of the situation.” Yuri opens the door and gently closes it, leaving me all alone.

Why am I angry? That day from last year, ever since then I haven’t stopped thinking about it. The next days after it made me feel like that my life was now just borrowed time. The life I led before that day is gone regardless of whether I actually died or not because in all honesty, everything in me died long before. Who am I kidding? The life I led was barren and empty. You could say that Hyomin was someone who showed me that it doesn’t have to be that way but then eventually she left, making me go back to my first and foremost reality. Was Hyomin really my reason for being up there at that bell tower? Yes, but she was just part of it. The entirety of my reason goes along the lines of me just giving up on life. Depression creeps up on you like that and that’s what makes it so scary. It’s as deadly as a bullet or any disease out there. It comes and goes as it pleases. No one can control it. Some can shape themselves back up but either way they’re marked. They will never be the same. I wanted to be normal and so I built a wall. A wall that hid the real me, the slowly withering me. I hang out with friends, I laughed, I smiled and shared stories but those were all done to hide the ugly in me. For a period, Hyomin brought a bit of life in me. I was able to talk to her about the things I hid from other people but even then, thinking back right now, it didn’t matter if Hyomin went away or not. The darkness in me would’ve swallowed Hyomin anyway. There was no helping it. It was bound to happen.

I don’t know why I’m like this. I didn’t choose to be this way. You’d be surprised at how many people think depression is a choice and that is all in your mind. I wouldn’t deny the fact that it is in your head but it being a choice is something I can’t agree with. People don’t just choose to be like that. It just happens. That’s the way it is. Eventually, I would’ve thought about ending my life. Hyomin was just a ladder that helped me reach that point faster. I was already there; I was standing on the edge but even that slipped away from my grasp. Kwon Yuri is the sole reason I’m here. The place I’m in now is deeper than where I was before. If back then I was geared towards oblivion, now I’m just lost. I wouldn’t call it will to live either, it’s just simply being lost. I’m not motivated to do anything about my situation. I don’t want to end myself yet I also don’t want to live. I’ve completely embodied the word nothing. But even in the nothingness that I am, I still feel cheated. Yuri robbed me of my way out. Like what I said to Yuri, the girl that was up in that tower is already dead and gone. She most probably would never rise again.

To hear Yuri say that he doesn’t remember the day my hell-bound life was on its course towards my only direction then, felt like another blow to my existence. More than ever, the moment those words came out from his mouth, I truly felt the nothingness embrace me in its arms.

--

IMPORTANT/CLICK ME:  PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS SONG! I THINK IT SUITS THE MOOD OF THE FOLLOWING EXCERPT OF MY STORY!

Normal POV

Yuri left the scene and walked all the way home. Another unexpected story in front of him has unfolded. After the incident, Yuri has never given Choa a second thought. He never thought about her at all, even after being informed of the incident. It was selfish but his only reason for getting in touch with Choa was all for Jessica. He feared that Choa could say something that would make Jessica distant from him and he didn’t want that. That was the last thing on his mind. Actually, no. The thought of losing Jessica will never settle inside Yuri’s mind.

Yuri entered his empty home and went straight to his room. He flopped down on his bed and stared at his ceiling.

“Why was I up there in the first place?” Yuri asks himself

The bell tower wasn’t a place he frequented, even last year. He never did go up there except for that one time when the incident involving Choa happened. Yuri realizes that all the answers he need are with Choa but with the way she acted earlier on, it would be yet another barrier for Yuri to get the information he needs.

Thinking about everything now, Yuri figured that letting Jessica in was a wrong idea. Showing her to Dr. Kim and showing her a bit of his mad-ridden life was a mistake, he realizes it now. The way he sees it, the more Jessica sees, more reasons for her not to be with him will pop up.

“Selfish…” Yuri said to himself

Yuri begins to rethink everything. The thought of abandoning what he has started gave a knock on his head but it was already too late for he was already for too in deep for him to walk away from everything. Right now, all Yuri truly cares about is Jessica. The feelings he has for her are too strong for him to ignore. Yuri was a logical person; his actions are based on things he took time to think about therefore all his next steps concerning Jessica will be all carefully calculated rather than it being spontaneous. The series of steps he has to take are all involved with fixing himself because he knows Jessica doesn’t deserve the broken down version of him. Jessica deserves better, so much better than that.

The rain started to pitter patter down his roof and along his window pane. Yuri, laying down on his bed and listening to the gentle sound of the rain splashing down his window, was the moment he finally decided to return back to reality, his real and foremost reality.

“I guess it’s time to stop running away, huh?” Yuri mutters to himself as he closes his eyes and drowns himself to the sound of the rain.

--

HELLO DEAR READERS! 

Ahh it's been a long time. I would like to apologize to everyone for the wait!! Some of you might have even stop reading my story altogether but I'm hoping that there are a few who are still interested!!! 

Note: The talk on depression is pretty heavy. I want to apologize in advance if my words are lacking and or are not accurate. I don't know how it feels like but I tried my best to describe it and if I have offended anyone with it, again, please accept my sincerest apologies.

Thank you to everyone who has supported/will be supporting my story! 

CHEERS! 

Peace!

-ymllama