Chapter 34

Yuri’s POV

I’ve always thought of myself as someone who wasn’t normal. I’ve always known that I was different. I’ve always felt different. I was different and that was okay…right up until I started asking why I needed to be so different than others.

I read the letter without thinking much. I couldn’t say or feel anything afterwards. I know that I should feel something but I don’t. I don’t feel empty either. It’s like there’s hundreds of emotions trying to make their way to my brain but none of them could actually penetrate through me because nothing is making sense to me. I guess what I’m saying is that, I am feeling something but this feeling can’t be recognized by my brain.

I want to be angry but I’m not

I want to be sad but I’m not

I want to be happy but I’m not

I set down the letter on the table and looked inside the box. I saw a drawing notebook. It must’ve been the one mentioned in the letter. I took the rest of the contents of the box and placed it on the table. More pictures of me and Taekwoon revealed themselves. I tried to remember each moment. Some came up but more didn’t. One of the pictures I actually felt like I remembered was the one with me standing side by side with Taekwoon, with him holding a soccer ball.

I never really knew where I learned soccer from before. I never bothered to asked myself why I knew how the game worked. A memory of mine finds its way back into my memory palace. That memory of me and Taekwoon…Taekwoon hyung.

That memory of him teaching me the basics of soccer. It isn’t much but I could remember the feeling of that moment. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude as I looked at the photo. It’s like I was taken back to that moment. I may not remember anything concrete but I can remember how I felt. The feeling of actually recalling something from my past was great and all but I wasn’t able to dwell on that feeling for long.

Earlier, I cried but right now that moment seems so distant. It feels like it never happened. Right now, I could be in a very vivid dream. This could all not be true. I could still be in my bed contemplating whether to open the box or not but that’s not it either because what pulls me back to reality is the person beside me.

Jessica tried so hard to fight her tears but she lost. She started crying and I just sat there looking at her with tears in her eyes. I couldn’t understand why she was crying. She was crying for me, that much I know but I don’t understand why.

I began to feel the guilt wash over me. Maybe I should’ve dealt with this on my own. Maybe. Or maybe this was the right decision. Maybe coming to see her was the right decision. Maybe sharing this moment with her is the right decision.

“I’m sorry.” I said without really knowing why. It just felt like the right thing to say.

Jessica didn’t say anything but she kept on crying. The instinct I never knew I had in me, kicked in. I held out my hands to touch her face and wipe her tears. When she found it in herself to stop, I grabbed her hand and held it. I don’t know why I did this. It just felt right…holding her hand. It felt right.

“I don’t know what’s the right thing to say nor do I know what to do next but I’ll be okay. I promise.”

Jessica’s face was red from all the crying. I felt my chest clog up. Words couldn’t find their way to my mouth. Right now, my life has reached a turning point. From here on out, the decisions I make will be critical. Anything I do should and always be for the best. No matter how hard it would be.

“Where’s your room?” I asked as I put back the contents of the box inside it.

Jessica doesn’t answer at first but then points her finger towards the first door on the left.

I grab her hand and pull her up from her seat. I pull her along and I stop in front of her room’s door.

“Can I come in?” I look over my shoulder to ask her.

She doesn’t say anything again but then just nods her head. I open the door with my other hand and let Jessica in first. For a second, I let her hand go but once I got inside the room as well, I grabbed it again.

I look at her just to make sure I’m not making her uncomfortable in any way. She doesn’t seem to mind that I’m in her room. If it was a normal night then maybe she wouldn’t have but with all the things that just happened, I guess she’s not thinking straight.

I lead her to her own bed and make her sit down. I grabbed her other free hand and bended both my knees.

“I want you to forget what you read tonight. I know it’s impossible but I just want you to not think about it that much. I don’t want you to worry about me because I’ll be fine. I can promise you that. I’ll figure everything out myself. And before you even think about it… No, it’s not because I want to shut you out of my life or anything like that. It’s just that this is something I should fix on my own. All I need you to do is to try and understand that. I know what I’m asking for is not easy but I need you to do just that.”

With me saying all this, it feels like I’m way in over my head with how I understand my relationship with Jessica but it just feels right to say this. And right now, I’d settle for ‘right’ rather than nothing. Everything got so serious way too fast between us or at least that’s what I think. I dropped a lot on her, especially tonight.

She kept her silence. Her eyes were hard to read. I don’t know what she’s thinking. I wish I did though. I let go of her hands and stand up right.

“Lay down.” Jessica looks up at me with a confused face but she does what she is told.

Once Jessica lied down, I took her blanket and pulled it over her body. Her eyes never left me. I could feel the weight of her stare. I know she wants to say something but for whatever reason she’s stopping herself which might be good. This might not be the right time for me to hear anything.

I took a step back and smiled at her.

“Good night.”

I turned myself around and went for the door. I twisted the knob and opened the door but before I could go out, Jessica spoke.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” I turn my head over my shoulder, only to see her back facing me.

“Yes.” is the last thing I said before completely walking away from her.

--

NEXT DAY

I woke up earlier than I needed to be. I still feel nothing. I was hoping to feel some kind of anger or hatred towards Dr. Kim but oddly enough I can’t feel anything. Maybe, it’s there my mind just can’t quite process it yet. I get up from my bed and the first thing I saw was the box.

I opened it and took out the pictures. I wasn’t able to browse through all of them last night so I guess this time is better than ever.

There were a lot of pictures of me and Taekwoon hyung. I can’t remember most of them but some were a tad bit familiar. My chest starts to tighten followed by the familiar pain in this side of my head. Another memory was making its way back to my memory palace.

Flashback

“Hyung, what’s it like to have an older sister? Is it fun?”

“She studies in a fancy art school far from home but whenever she comes back she always plays with me. My sister is really nice.”

“I wish I had a brother or a sister…”

“I’ll be your brother then!”

“Really? Can you do that, hyung?”

“Of course! We’ll be brothers starting today!”

END OF FLASHBACK

--

A burning sensation spreads over my chest. It hurts but I’m okay. Everything went from okay to nowhere near that but I’m fine. I’d like to think that I haven’t really gotten the real grasp of the situation and that’s why I can’t feel anything particular about it. If anything, I don’t want to think that I can’t feel anything because deep down I knew the truth.

I looked through the box once more and saw one peculiarly folded piece of paper. It was an origami. I carefully opened it and written inside were numbers. Numbers that when put together makes an actual cellphone number. I stared at it long enough for me to realize that I was scared to make that call.

I was scared to hear my mother’s voice. I’m scared not to hear anything. I’m scared of dialing her number and finding out that, the number hasn’t been used in years. I am afraid to take this one step closer.

I sighed and put everything back in the box. Eventually, I’ll have to pick up the phone and try but I guess not today.

The emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on has taken its toll on me. I feel tired and worn out. I want to take a break from everything, even just for a few days. I don’t want to think about anything remotely close to my problems. I’ll deal with them when I get myself together. I usually don’t do this. I’m the type of person who faces problems head on but not this time. I need some time to clear my head. Hopefully by then I’ll know what to do next.

With time I’ve got, I decided to go for a quick run around the neighborhood.

…

I got myself ready and headed outside. The sun hasn’t come up yet so it’s still a bit dark but nevertheless, I still ran. The streets were practically empty except for the wet market nearby. I ran around the neighborhood three times before I turned in got myself ready for school.

Field trainings are cancelled but I do have that mock try-out thing with Kris today after school. This could be my buffer. I just really need a break from everything. I’ll have to let everything go, even just for a while. My mind leads me back to Jessica. I wonder how she’s doing. I wonder if she’s okay. I wonder if she still feels the same way.

If she doesn’t, I’d be okay with it, I think. She has all the right not to feel the same way. Maybe at first she thought she could handle the extremities of being involved with me. Everything sounds so serious and a little bit foolish to be quite honest. I don’t know what it’s like to really have deep feelings for someone but I could only imagine that what I feel for Jessica is the real deal. I don’t know what’s going to happen next but hopefully she doesn’t get hurt.

I get myself ready for school and leave my apartment. The sun was shining brightly but there’s still that chilly wind surrounding Seoul. My eyes are a bit swollen. It must be because I cried last night. I walk my way to school but I stopped in front of Kris and Jessica’s complex. I took a good look at it and instantly, last night’s events replayed itself in my head.

I took a breather and continued my walk to school. When I reached, I went straight to my classroom to set my bag down but I didn’t stay. I left the room to go and find someone. Someone whom I own a lot to.

I looked around the halls and just as she was making her way to her own classroom, I walk right in front of her, blocking her way.

“I really need to talk to you…again.” I say to Choa who evidently was not happy to see me.

“I have nothing to say so get out of my way.” She attempts to get past me but fails

I look around the hall and some of the students were already staring at us. I’m beginning to think these people go to school to make a big deal out of small things like this.

I lean a little closer to her and lower my voice “Look, I understand that you hate me. You have every right to but let’s be honest here. If you really wanted to jump, me being there shouldn’t have stopped you.”

I may have gone too far with what I said but I definitely got her attention now.

“Excuse me? What did you just say?” Choa raised her voice. It was loud enough for the other students staring at us to hear.

“Follow me.” I turned around and walked away first. What I said surely got her going on because she followed me all the way outside the academic building.

I faced Choa and her expression basically told me that I should get ready to get slapped again which is totally fine. I deserve more than that.

“Listen---“ Choa cuts me off

“No, YOU listen. That day, last year, was everything to me. Every single day after that felt like a lie to me. I know I’m not supposed to be alive but I am. Every ounce of courage and feelings I had that day, had to go to waste because I couldn’t do it and it was all because of you. Now, I wake up every day, feeling dead and empty when I’m supposed to have escaped this and just be a cold corpse buried six feet under.”

“That’s not true.” I said, pointing out the obvious

Her expression darkened even more. She had her fists balled up and I’m very sure that any minute now, she will throw a fit and possibly even punch me.

“You feel that way because you’re stopping yourself to feel anything. You’re depriving yourself of all kinds of emotion because you’re just scared.”

Her balled up fists were no more. She looked at me with this undeniably striking expression and that’s when I knew I was right.

“You push people away because you’re scared. You think any kind of relationship will lead you to get on that edge again. Instead of actually trying to get better you lock yourself in your own little space where you hope to have someone break through but at the same time you don’t let them in. It’s an endless cycle.”

I paused and tried to think of a better way to say what I was about to but really there’s no reason for me to phrase this in a way that she wouldn’t get hurt because this is exactly what she needs to hear.

“Besides… you didn’t want to die that day. You just didn’t want to live as Park Choa. If you really wanted to die then you could’ve attempted to jump the next day or any other day after that but here you are, alive. Being on that edge probably made you realize that jumping off wouldn’t have magically made you not Park Choa. You would’ve stayed as you even after you die.”

Her tears were on the verge of escaping her eyes but she held on.

“What do you want? Surely, you didn’t go out of your way just to give me a lesson on life and death.”

“I want to say sorry for how I acted after the incident. I should’ve gone and talked to you sooner but I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I went crazy that day.  I wouldn’t know if you would’ve jumped if I wasn’t there but hey anything could’ve happened, including the fact that you didn’t jump because of me.”

She huffs a breath and looks at me condescendingly.

“I don’t need your apology or anything from you. Are we done here yet?”

“No. You don’t like me, I get that. You’re not alone but I really need you to bear with me because I need your help and we both know why or rather who I’m asking this for.”

Choa quickly understands my play on words.

“FYI I’m not cupid. You can ask someone else to pair you two up.”

I’m about to ask a big favor from a person who probably has me at the top of her most hated list but I’m left with no choice.

“That’s not it. I want you to look out for her.”

Choa remains quiet and lets me continue without much of a fuss over what I had just asked her.

“You’re a nice person Choa. I believe that because you wouldn’t have gone to her if you weren’t. You wouldn’t have warned her about me if you didn’t care at all.”

“How did you know I went to her?”

I guess I’m right then.

“I didn’t. That was just a guess. A very accurate one at that.”

Choa lets out a sarcastic laugh and looks back at me with a piercing glare

“So you want me to baby sit her for ya? Is that it?”

“No. Obviously you know something about me. Something that you learned last year. You don’t need to tell me what I said to you that day because I have a clear guess of what it is. If anything I want to say that I didn’t do it but the thing is even though I’ve seen something that would prove my innocence, I strangely don’t feel relieved. I don’t know why but the idea that I’m a monster makes more sense than the clear and even more factual idea that I’m innocent.”

Choa for the nth time changes her expression. Her eyes were not glaring at me anymore.

“I can’t ask anyone else because I don’t want to drag more people in. You’re already involved from the minute you decided to talk to Jessica. I just need you to be there for her because I won’t be.”

This is for the best, I think. I carefully looked at Choa. I could see that she’s really thinking about this, about doing the favor I’m asking. I need her to say yes. Leaving Jessica just like that…the idea doesn’t sit well with me but I guess if I can assure that someone would be there for her then I’ll be a little bit okay with it. Maybe. I wouldn’t know until the day I actually leave.

I understand that she has Tiffany, Kris and even Taeyeon but I just…I just want someone who I can ask to check up on her from time to time without leaving any traces of me. Right now, that’s the best option.

“You have to ask someone else, Yuri. This whole thing is way too complicated. I don’t want to be part of something that I know will hurt someone. You know, I warned her about you but the funny thing was, on the very same day…I saw her walking beside you like I never said anything to her. She believes in you way too much and look how long you guys have known each other. It hasn’t been that long, Yuri.”

“That’s why I want to fix this before it gets even more serious. The only thing that makes everything complicated, as you say, are our feelings. It’s stupid to even think that I magically developed immensely strong feelings for this girl who I don’t even know well. I acknowledge the stupidity and the moronic nature of it but what am I supposed to do? I can’t get rid of it, especially now when I know she feels the same way too. Maybe it would be easier if I didn’t feel that she has feelings for me too but I do. I could be wrong but just like you said, she didn’t leave. She didn’t straight up ignore me and denied my existence. Mind you, she knows a whole lot more now than ever and she’s still there. Everything about this is stupid but it is what it is. It’s not her fault, if anything it’s mine.”

Our situation would’ve been something I laugh about if it wasn’t happening to me. I would’ve said that it was petty and idiotic but I’m here and I’m living what I would’ve considered as a waste of time and breath.

I looked over her shoulder and saw the increasing number of students coming into the academic building. I don’t want Jessica to see me with Choa. That would ultimately destroy the purpose of me talking Choa into doing what I want her to do.

“Think about this, Choa. You’ve got nothing to lose. Jessica would be your first step to get better.”

These were my last words to her before going back inside the academic building. I know for a fact that Choa would consider it because from how I see it, she probably wants to be me. In a sense of having someone who will believe in you no matter what. That’s what Choa needs and in reality that’s what I need to but right now my needs are not important. They’re at the bottom of my priorities.

I went back to my classroom. There were only a handful of students in. Taeyeon and the others weren’t around yet.

I go to my seat to watch the time slowly pass by. Soon enough the room got filled by my classmates. Jessica and Kris were the last ones to arrive to complete our section. Jessica and I look at each other as she makes her way to her seat. Her eyes are a bit swollen. I’m guessing she continued to cry right after I left.

I was the first one to look away. Just like that our day started. I need to play by time. If I really want to fix everything then I’ll have to make use of my time wisely.

Ms. Sun Hee entered our room and started her lesson. I cleared my head for a while to get myself focused. The last thing I want to happen is to get my grades down. That would only make things more complicated because obviously the people in this school would make up some rumor and somehow connect Jessica to something absurd and untrue.

Our teacher gave out a short exercise on the topic she just discussed. When I was done, I went up to her table to submit my paper and as well as to talk to her.

I placed my paper on her table. Ms. Sun Hee looked up at me with a smile.

“Already? That was fast.”

“Is it possible for us to talk outside for a while?” I lower my voice

She gave me a puzzled expression but then she stood up and lead the way outside our room. I closed the door behind us and faced my teacher who’s by the way romantically involved with the man who may or may not have ruined my life.

“What is this about, Mr. Kwon?”

“I would just like to inform you that by the end of this term I would be transferring schools. I haven’t gotten the documents needed however I just wanted to tell you first since you are my class adviser and all.”

Ms. Sun Hee furrowed her brows and gave me an even more puzzling look

“Why…why all of a sudden, Mr. Kwon?”

“There’s no particular reason, really. My father was planning to send me overseas for college anyway so I figured it’d be better if I could leave earlier so that I’ll have more time to adjust.”

Ms. Sun Hee or well Sun Hee looked at me as if she knew the real reason why I wanted to leave but I highly doubt it. If in the end what that letter has written in it is true, then she’s just another pawn in the game that man has created for himself.

“If that’s your decision then I would be more than willing to help you in preparing your documents.”

“Thank you. I would also appreciate this if you would keep this between us.” I bowed my head and turned around. I was about to open our door when she spoke again.

“Of course however… I would like to ask you something.” I didn’t face her again. I just kept still and waited for her to continue.

“Will Jessica know?”

I smiled. I actually wanted to laugh but I stopped myself.

“Who knows? Maybe I’ll take her with me.” 

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HELLO DEAR READERS! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Hope you guys had a wonderful time during the holidays! Let's all gear up for another year! 

As always tell me what you think about this chapter! 

Till the next one! 

-ymllama