Our relationship gotten worse since the time I beat him up in the kitchen. Yixing tried several times to talk to me nicely. I would reply him like how I used to. Yixing still clung onto me and we cuddled a lot during that time. There were times when I tried initiating but he would push me away with the reason that he wasn’t ready at all. Anger ignites deep inside of me when I heard that he wasn’t ready for . It has been a year since we tied the knot and it is about time I get him pregnant and we have our first born or he should be expecting our first.

We were cuddling on bed like we usually do and the thoughts of starting a family crossed my mind. I trailed my hand down his neck and reached behind him to pull close. I kissed him tenderly on the lips which shocked him. He gasped as I rubbed his s in between my fingers. I took that opportunity to shove my tongue into his mouth. I hovered above him as I stripped him off all his clothes. I continued kissing him down all the way to his navel. I was harshly pushed away when I tried sticking my finger into his hole. Yixing scrambled to get his discarded clothes as he looked at me with scared eyes. I stared back at him with anger as I tried to bring myself together.

“Wh-what are you trying to do?” He stuttered.

“I am trying to make love to you, Yixing,” I replied matter-of-factly.

“But didn’t I say I wasn’t ready.” He said.

“You’re still not ready after one whole year of being married to me?! You’re not ready after letting Jian touch you at places where I am the only one who is allowed to?!” I hollered as he pulled the covers around his body.

I walked over to the closet and put on some clothes before heading out of our shared bedroom. Yixing followed closely behind, pulling the covers together with him. I grabbed the car keys and opened the door. I wasn’t able to leave the house yet before I heard his voice breaking the eerie silence. “Where are you going, Han?” Yixing asked softly.

“Out. To get someone who is willing to satisfy my needs,” I replied.

“Please don’t go.” He mumbled. “It’s getting late,” He continued.

“I do what I want while you do what you want,” I spat.

And that was when everything goes downhill.

I sat at the living room couch as Yixing took careful steps around the kitchen preparing our dinner. It was the time of the month where we celebrate our monthly thing. I watched as he walked around the kitchen limping. It was just the previous night when I took him by force after seeing him getting all intimate with Jian. He tried denying their relationship but I knew better than to believe him. Jian had that erted smirk on his face like he already had his share of the fun. The share of tasting how Yixing is.

I was taken out of my reverie when I felt Yixing’s hand on my shoulder telling me that dinner was ready. We sat down on the dinner table quietly as we ate our share of dinner. Yixing kept his head down because he was afraid of making any eye contact with me. I pushed the half-finished apple pie across the table as an indication that I did not want it anymore. I took out the silver bottle where I kept my endless supply of vodka and chugged a huge amount down.

“What happened to the taste of the apple pie?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” He asked timidly.

“Well, it doesn’t taste as nice as the first time we had this stupid tradition.” I replied.

“It tasted the same as the first time I made it,” He retorted. “Even Mrs Tan and mama said the same thing. Jian had a taste of it this afternoon and he agreed with me.” He continued as he covered his mouth in shock of what he said.

I pushed the last plate on the ground as I walked over to him. I pulled him by his hair and dragged him to the living room couch, pushing him down harshly. “What did you say?” I growled. “Did you just invite that over, ?”

Yixing whimpered beneath me as he tried to deny of his obvious mistakes. I ignored his pleas and explanations as the little voices took the best of me.

He just invited another man other than you in this house.

They might have had here on this couch.

He was never in love with you, Li Han.

Get rid of him.

Kill him.

Show him who the better man is.

Show him who he truly belongs to.

Yixing begged to be released as I pushed his head further into the couch. I stripped him off his clothes yet again in less than 24 hours. I need him to know who he was married to. I need him to know who he was legally married to. I ed into him over and over again, not listening to the screams of pain. I marked him around his body to show the world that he belongs to me. Only me. Once I came inside of him, Yixing tried to escape from my grasp but I was fast enough to stop him. I pushed him to the floor harshly as I punched and slapped him over and over again; reminding him that he can never leave me or this household.

I forced myself on him again and released inside of him for the third or fourth time that night – I lost count. I took my pants and dress shirt that was discarded on the floor. I walked out of the door reminding him once again that I would be back later. I caught a glimpse of his tear stained face and him mouthing to me to come back and he was sorry. My heart swell when I see him mouthing it over and over again but the voice in my head took the best of me.

He’s lying to you, Li Han. Just like how mama did.

I walked up the steps that lead to our humble home. The familiar smell of apple pie baking greeted me once I opened the door. I noticed there was different pair of shoes sitting at the door step. I recognised one of them as a female’s. I looked in surprise when I see Yixing’s mother, two of our friends from college and not forgetting that sitting in the living room. Jian was the one who noticed my presence and he quickly stood up exclaiming, “The most important guest for today is here!”

I watched as he walked up to me and gave me friendly brother hug. I tried pushing him away but I did not when he whispered into my ear, “I didn’t know that you finally managed to get into his pants. Are you sure that it’s yours?” He asked with a smirk.

I pushed him away and mama came up to me with a beautiful smile gracing her lips. Our two other did the same as Jian. I was left confused as I waited for Yixing. I turned around and see Yixing walking out of the kitchen with a freshly baked apple pie in his hands. He placed it carefully onto the dining table and grabbed my hand forcing me down on one of the chairs. He took his seat next to me and grabbed hold of my right hand. I nearly jumped at the sudden contact because it has been some time since we actually showed this kind of public intimacy. I nearly forgot how warm and soft  his hands were. I watched as how his hand squeezed over mine and it reminded me of those times when we were dating and when we first got married – before everything go downhill.

“I have an announcement to make,” Yixing said, breaking the silence.

I looked around as everyone looked at him eagerly and looked back at me. I looked over Yixing and noticed that he had that same hope in his eyes when we first got married. He took my hand and placed it carefully over his clothed stomach. “I’m pregnant, Han.” He said.

I was left there dumbfounded when he broke the news. I’m pregnant, Han. The sentence kept playing in my head like a broken record. Yixing is pregnant. My Yixing is pregnant. He is pregnant with my child. I remembered the promise we made when we first moved into this house. To build a family together. It feels too good to be true. But my mind drifted off to what Jian said to me before. Are you sure that it’s yours? It then hit me that the reason why he is pregnant right now would most probably because of the times when I him. Was it really mine? Or was it Jian’s?

I faked a smile in front of them because I did not want to seem like I wasn’t happy about the growing bundle of joy. I hugged and kissed Yixing tenderly. The first time I actually kissed him with sincerity after one year. But the anger and the thoughts that the child might not be mine took the best of me that I could not be happy throughout the celebration. And the voices in my head resounded.

Are you sure that the baby is yours?

What if it’s Jian’s but he pretended that it is yours?

Do you really think that Yixing would not lie to you about this?

Do you really think that he wasn’t cheating on you?

Because we think that he is cheating on you…

It has been two months since the time we found out about Yixing’s pregnancy. I have not been very intimate with him. In fact, I brought different partners home every night to get the idea of the baby out of my head. I could not stop myself from suspecting that the baby is not mine. I knew it very well that the baby belongs to Jian. How would Jian know that the baby might not be mine if it isn’t his? Yixing spent most of his pregnancy days knitting for his unborn child. His useless unborn child.

I stumbled into the house in my drunken stupor with a vodka bottle in one hand. I heard Yixing walking down the steps. He had his knitting items in one hand and another was placed protectively over his not-so-pregnant belly. I smiled at him when he walked up to me. His eyebrows were knitted together in a frown and he took the vodka bottle from my hand and slammed it on the table.

“Where did you go?” He asked through gritted teeth.

“I went out drinking with a few friends.” I answered with a slur.

“Can you please stop drinking?” He spat. “It isn’t good for our baby once he grows up and he knows that his daddy enjoys drinking his life away,” He continued.

Something inside of me snapped when he mentioned about the sinful thing that was growing inside of him. How could he say that I was the father to that sinful thing? How is he very sure that it belongs to me? He has been sleeping around! How could he be sure that it belongs to me?! I don’t want to have anything to do with that child that he calls mine. It is not even mine. The voices in my head told me that it doesn’t belong to me! Jian’s voice and face reminded me every single day that the baby isn’t mine.

“DADDY?!” I snapped. “DADDY YOU SAY? THAT THING GROWING INSIDE OF YOU IS NOT MINE. IT IS EITHER JIAN’S OR SOME OTHER MAN THAT YOU’RE SLEEPING WITH RIGHT NOW!” I shouted.

Yixing visibly shook from the volume of my voice. He straightens his back as he responded to my insult. “This baby is yours whether you like it or not! You’re the only man I’ve ever slept with. Why can’t you just show that you care for this baby?!” He shouted.

“BECAUSE IT ISN’T MINE! WHY SHOULD I SHOW THAT I CARED?! YOU’RE JUST LIKE THE OTHERS OUT THERE! YOU’RE JUST LIKE MY MAMA! SHE PRETENDED TO BE ALL INNOCENT BUT SHE IS NOTHING BUT A ! THAT CHILD IS A RESULT OF YOUR—“ My speech was cut off when I felt a sting on my left cheek.

My anger heightened when I felt his hand came into contact with my skin. I yanked his hand which causes him to fall to the ground. His hand was wrapped around his non-existence bulge. I punched him in the stomach and kept on going at it till I was satisfied. I heard him screaming something about not hurting his innocent child. I ignored his pleads and continued abusing him. I stopped short when I felt something hot and red flowing in between his legs. That was when I came to my senses.

I grabbed his body that was in so much pain and cradled him close to my chest. Yixing was a sobbing mess and he pushed me away calling me a useless husband. I was left there watching the love of my life struggled to keep the pain at bay. All I could do was watch.

I killed my child.

No, you did not kill your child. That thing deserved it.

No, my child does not deserve any of this. He is an innocent soul and so is Yixing.

Are you going to admit defeat right now? That thing was never yours! What are you doing, Li Han?!

Our relationship worsens since then. Yixing kept a distance from me. He never intended to get intimate with me. I tried apologising to him over and over again. I begged him to start over. I would change my ways. I will get myself checked for my abusive ways. We could build my family together. Yixing never wanted to do this with me anymore. He did not look at me in the eyes anymore. He never told me that he loves me like he usually does. My heart broke at the thought that the love of my life is pushing away. But this is my entire fault. I resorted to drinking once again. I never changed. I continued abusing him both ually and physically until the day he left Changsha.

I stood at the edge of the rooftop and reflected upon my mistakes. I remember leaving the letter that I left for him – with his address in it. I wrote it especially for him, Kris and their unborn child. I reflected on my life for the past 25 years. The mistakes I made. The mistakes I made towards my parents towards Yixing’s mama, towards Yixing and our unborn child. I only have one wish; is to have Yixing to forgive me and to be with our unborn child in heaven.

Oh Lord, please forgive all my mistakes. Please give Yixing the happiness he deserves.

I love you, Yixing.

And all I could see was darkness.

A/N: and that's the end of Li Han's point of view. :)