I grew up in a broken family. I have watched my father beating my mother up every single time he got home from work. I would run into their room when my dad was satisfied with the bruises and wounds that he inflicted on her. I hugged her tightly with all my might in hopes that it would help to lessen the pain – but I only worsen it. I asked mama why does papa do that to her on a daily basis but she would just give me a crooked smile and responded, “Li Han, you're too young to even understand how cruel the world out there is.” I could only nod in response as I snuggled closer to her and cursed my father for hurting mama. Sometimes I questioned myself, is that man even worthy to be called a father? That monster who mama called the love of her life? The monster who I called papa?

But who am I kidding? I realised that I didn't have the right to call him a monster because I am a monster myself too.

I walked to the kitchen to wash the dirty dishes in the sink. It was a normal occurrence in my daily life. I would get off school at 4 daily and I would rush home to ensure that mama is home. I would help her with preparing dinner and we would wait for papa to get back to have dinner together. Sometimes the wait for papa was filled with silence. Sometimes when I am in a good mood, I would be telling mama about my not so eventful day in school. My ears perked up when I heard the door of our shabby apartment and papa walked in in his drunken stupor. I knew so well what will happen next because this happens every night when he gets home. I dried my hand with the towel next to me and ran into my room because I did not want to witness what was about to happen.

I heard papa screamed as he yanked mama's hair and dragged her to their shared bedroom. Mama's scream was muffled by the pillow as I heard punches being thrown. She screamed in pain and begged for him to stop but papa wouldn't listen. He never will. He never did. He called her all the mean words that I did not know. A . A . I kept wondering what it meant but I never bothered looking it up. The beatings quieten down and it was replaced with mama's choked sobs. Papa left their room and looked into mine to check on me. I curled to my side, pretending to be asleep, because I did not want to be next. He muttered a soft useless son of a before walking out of our apartment.

I jumped out of my bed when I deemed it as safe enough. I walked into their room and I see mama crying as she tried to find a comfortable position to lay down. She gave me broken smile as she waved me over to where she was. I sat down at the edge of the bed as I looked at the fresh wounds. Some had deep cuts and blood was dripping from it. Some were just mere bruises but I knew well that it hurt. I hoped off the bed and rushed to the kitchen to get a towel and a tub of water. I wet the towel and dab it carefully on mama's wounds. She would wince in pain if I pressed it too hard but she smiled through the pain when I looked at her. Once I was done, I left the tub and the towel at the side and lay down next to her.

“Mama?” I called out.

“Yes, honey?” She replied.

“Why does papa always beat you?” I asked. “What does a '' means? What about ? Why does papa always call me a useless son of a ?” I asked innocently.

Mama smiled softly as tears gathered at her eyes. “Papa and I just have some problems. All families have problems too, Li Han. It’s just ours are bigger.” Mama explained. “And you know that papa never meant it when he says that. You are not useless. You are an angel brought down from heaven. You are the light that would always guide me. You will grow up into a wonderful man. I know that. I am very sure of that, Li Han.” She continued as she kissed me on my forehead.

“Really mama? I will grow up into a wonderful man and have a family on my own?” I asked.

“Yes, honey. You will. Let's go to sleep. You have school tomorrow right?” Mama asked as she hugged me closer to her body.

Little did I know that I did not grow up into a wonderful man. I became a monster, just like papa. And mama wasn't as innocent as she made herself to be.

High school wasn't as fun as what they said. It’s not because I did not make friends in high school. I made a handful of them. The ones who did not talk about my family. The ones, who did, looked at me with disgust whenever they hear my name. My family began falling apart when I entered high school. Papa never come back home. Even if he did, he would be drunk. He would have a beer bottle in hand and he would look for mama in their room and beat her black and blue. By then, I didn't bother coming home. I didn't bother comforting mama when she was abused by papa. Because I knew that she was asking for it.

It wasn't the first time I questioned as to why papa would beat mama up. I don't know whether mama wanted me to find out about it myself or I was bound to find out the truth about her life. I was walking down the streets of Changsha when I noticed the gangs that hang around the area. They would send women at this sinful street. These women would lurk around there and throw themselves on men who are willing to take them and give them all the money they need. It was out of curiosity when one of my closest friends, Jian asked if I wanted to try the women out. I agreed not knowing what I would witness with my own eyes.

We walked down the streets as the women – young or old – let their hands touched our biceps. I watched as Jian allowed them touched his body like it belonged to them. I see him leaning into the one of the older females who looked like she has the superior power in the area which I presumed it to be the pimp. She walked over to me as she observed my body from head to toe. She walked back to where Jian was and said something how the women there have been waiting for a man like me to sleep with them. The clacking of heels against the parquet flooring of the building caught my attention and I looked up. Jian's eyes lit up when the woman – who looks like she was mama's age – flung her body on Jian. He wrapped his arms around her waist as he devoured her neck. She moaned in pleasure when he continued what he was doing and he slipped his hand underneath her dress.

“Go get yourself one of these fine flesh, Han,” Jian called out as he turned around with the woman nibbling his earlobes.

The woman stopped what she was doing when Jian called my name. My jaw dropped when I saw with my own eyes the woman who was latching herself onto Jian like a leech. Her lustful expression was replaced with one of guilt and shock. I mirrored the exact expression but it changed to one of anger and full hatred when I finally understood why papa hated her so much. Mama sold her body for a living.

“No wonder he called you a and a because you really are one,” I spat before leaving the alley.

Days passed since the time I found mama at the brothel herself. Jian still pestered me about visiting the brothel but I turned down his offer because I wasn't interested in that kind of stuff. He laughed it off because he thought that I should be experiencing my first time soon. He asked if I was interested in men but I brushed it off as I wanted to have with the one I love and not those s there. He respected my decision for that but it still surprised me how I am still best friends with Jian.

Mama tried initiating a conversation with me since then and all I did was brushed her off. Every night when I heard her cries when papa beat her left me chuckling in my room. She deserved all the pain that papa has inflicted on her. I would do the same if I were to find my spouse sleeping with another man other than me. The morning after when I had my breakfast, mama would try to conjure up a smile. She hissed in pain when she sat down in front of me and I avoided eye contact at all cost. In the past, whenever she hissed in pain I would tend to her wounds. But now, I didn't see the point of doing it. Why should I? She inflicted the pain on herself. I took my bag that was sitting next to me and walked out of the door.

“Li Han...” Her disgusting voice echoed off the four walls. “Are you coming home for dinner tonight?” She asked.

“Will you even be home for dinner? Or are you going to yourself?” I asked.

“Li Han. I'm sorry that you had to see me in that state. I had to! Your father is not earning enough for us. How am I supposed to put you through school? Selling myself is one way for me to see you become a successful adult,” She said as she sobbed.

“I will become a better man with or without your help.” I replied.

I got home from school earlier than I expected. The house was quiet just like how it used to be. Papa never bothered coming home now. The last time I heard from him was that he was getting married to another woman in Beijing. I don't know whether he is living off her money or was he making his own money but the neighbours were talking about how he is part of the politics. I never bother finding out if all of these were true or lies just for him to get all the money he needed. He begged me to attend his wedding ceremony but I turned down the offer. They don't need a delinquent son attending their wedding.

I made my way to where my room was to only hear mama moan shamelessly under another young man. What a . They were at it for the next hours to come and I was left to fend for myself yet again. I was in the kitchen eating dinner by myself when I heard that old shameless woman giggling as she clung onto the young man. I turned when I see that it was none other than Jian. He gave me a crooked smile before walking out of our apartment. I brushed pass her as she watched me with sorrowful eyes. She sat next to me apologising again. She was never good at anything other than herself out and apologising.

“Don't waste your time apologising to me, mama. If you're going to repeat it again.” I said. “I found myself a decent apartment in the heart of Changsha. I'm moving out this weekend. You don't have to bother about me. You can continue selling yourself like always.” I continued as I walked to my room getting the last bit of my bags heading to the apartment.

“You're going to leave me like how papa did?!” She shrieked.

“Yes? What other choice do I have? You are a useless excuse of a mother. Papa was no different.” I said.

“That's all? No thank you from you. After all the education I gave you?! You're just going to leave me?!” She shouted.

“THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!” I screamed as my patience wore thin.

“Stay.” She said simply. “If you take another step out of this house, I will take away my life,” she continued.

“I have nothing to do with you,” I said as I see from the corner of my eyes mama taking a knife.

It was out of reflex that I dropped my bags and grabbed her neck, successfully hitting her on the wall. She winced in pain as she tried to gasp for air. “I am not coming back! Just live with it! You never treated me like a son! You treated me like a piece of !” I screamed as I loosened my hold on her neck and walked out of the door.

A/N: so this is just a brief introduction of Li Han’s childhood. The state he grew up in. the reason why he became like that. But there is more to come in the near future.