anon_XD

Hi again, how have you all been? :) I’m sorry for annoying you guys once again, but I’ve gotten another problem. This is going to be really really long, so I'll split it in 3 comments, so I’m going to apologize beforehand… sorry :( 

Kyuhyun: It's okay, most of us don't sleep anyway.

Zhou Mi: Hmph! Says you! 

Heechul: Seasoning needs his sleep or he turns into a nightmare.

Henry: Tell me about it, I was his roommate.

Zhou Mi: >.>

Henry:*smiles innocently* 

To be honest, from the last problem I spoke of- about being depressed- it seems like everything is getting even worse. My depression’s getting worse, and I have had several thoughts a day about suicide. I try to think positive and everything but it just no longer works. At home, I’d spend my days isolated in a room away from everyone, and I don’t do anything. I’m too scared to bring this topic of depression to my family because the last time I mentioned this, they scolded at me and told me that I should stop being so self-centred and get over it. So now, I also can’t talk about this to my friends as I’d feel like I’m being a nuisance, and they get annoyed when I’m all depressed and stuff. Like I said, although I know it’s selfish, I can’t help but have a lot of thoughts about taking my life, but then I’d get second thoughts. I don’t know why though. It’s not really because of my family, because although this may sound bad, they don’t really care much for me- well at least they don’t show it compared to how they treat my siblings. And it’s not really because of my friends either, since I only have 1 friend that I can actually talk to properly. I just don’t know what is stopping me from doing it, but I think it’s because of a dream that I want to fulfil. Also, because of this stupid depression, it makes me feel like I’m trapped in a confined white cell, where it’s restricting me to do anything. I just want to escape from the way I live, and scream out loud, but I’m scared of disappointing my family, as they expect a lot from me. I don’t know, I just want them to understand me, but I know that they never will. That’s why I have to fake a smile wherever I go, and make it seem like I have a perfect life, when actually it’s the opposite.
Actually, because of this, I basically hide behind a façade, which is why I don’t like getting close to people. At school, I’m mostly cold to strangers because I don’t want them to have a friend like me. Actually one time, I met this guy, I was being cold to him like how I was to everyone, but he kept insisting on talking to me, so eventually I started giving him 1-worded answers. After a while, he started buying me gifts and I’d disregard it, thinking that it was a way to get close to me, before he finally confessed to me and told me he had liked me for a year. I was so shocked, and I didn’t want to hurt and burden him with my problems, that I coldly said no to him and walked away. I don’t think I would be able to forget that dejected look, and because of my attitude, we don’t talk anymore. I wish I could change the way I am. I wish I can make people see me differently. I wish I can voice out my true feelings to my family. But I know that that will never happen. I’m really confused, and I don’t like the feeling. I have tonnes of questions floating in mind about what will happen if I were to take my life or for what reason it was that I had to be born, even though I’m reminded constantly that giving birth to me was all a mistake.
I feel so dejected in my own skin, yes, there are many people who have said that I’m smart, pretty, and that I have a good voice, but what they don’t know is all the things I’m covering- I have scars all over my body, which is why I don’t wear dresses, I have depression and anxiety, I have a skin disorder and I’m anaemic. It’s hard to hide it from everyone, especially your family, but I know that they are going to judge me even more and look down on me, and that is something I really hate. I used to think that only people in movies would feel this way- feeling trapped and lost- but now, I know that it could happen to anyone. No one has ever made me put on a genuine smile like Super Junior has, and I thank you all for that. I really love you all so much, especially Sungmin and Kyuhyun, you guys are awesome C: I’m sorry again for writing such a long passage, and I hope that you could forgive me. I just wanted to tell someone, and I guess being anonymous would be the best way to go for me.

Sungmin: I'm so sorry, you feel this way! I wish I could give you a hug. :( 

Kyuhyun: Even though, you are sad, I'm glad that Super Junior can give you some comfort. 

Sungmin: We want you to know that you weren't born a mistake. You were maybe conceived as a mistake (most babies are), but you are a very wonderful person this world has. You must not forget it. 

Heechul: You got to learn to embrace your flaws as well. I drool a lot, and what? It is a part of me and I am proud. 

Ryeowook: I have bad skin. 

Kangin: I probably need to lose weight. 

Shindong: Me too. 

Kangin: But cake. 

Shindong: But pork. 

Henry: A lot of people have things they would like to hide, but the burden becomes too much for them alone. If you can't talk to your parents then you should confide in an adult or someone close to you. 

Leeteuk: I also feel maybe your parents would understand if you opened up a little more. I know it's hard, but you will feel relief, even if they do not really help. 

Sungmin: Holding all these feelings is hard. Releasing them is harder, but it will feel better.

Kyuhyun: I hope you can tell someone your problems and if not you always have us. Please take care of yourself and know you are more loved than you think.

Everyone: WE LOVE YOU! TAKE CARE!!! *sends hugs* 

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