Spring, 2009

Mangwondong, Seoul

“Howon-a... Are you sure you want to stay here, I think you should just stay in our home for a while...”, Sunggyu said to Hoya when they arrived in his apartment. “I mean, you still wounded, and...”, he trailed his words. How can he said out loud that his brother wife left him, Hoya is already broken enough.

“No, Hyung... Thanks, but I think that I want to stay here...”

“Are you sure, do you want me to accompany you here?”

“I just want to be alone hyung, can I?”

“...Okay, Howon-a...just call me anytime, understand?”

“Thanks, hyung...”

...

It’s just 4 days since we left this home. But it feels like I’d already left this place for a long time. It’s just so different without you in here. Why you left me? Leave me without a words, you just left your wedding ring there. Is it mean that you don’t want me anymore?

Your room, our baby’s room. It’s still like the same as before. With that scattered stuff you left. No matter how I nag you, that tidy room won’t last longer than a day. He smile when he looked her room, remembered days that they spent together. He come in her room, trying to feel her present. He looked at her mp3 player, he press the on button, he wants to hear song that she heard. The music starts flowing. Like a dream, a beautiful song that he remember he heard her hummed of... He miss her, her beautiful voice that filled him.

Everything is a dream, everything is a lie

Saying I’m sorry, saying be well, don’t say anymore

(I already know) You’re not going to comeback

(Even though I know) But I’ll still wait for you

Like a dream I have met you, like a dream we loved

Our love was as happy as a dream

Like a dream you have appeared, like a dream you have left

Comeback to me again, since I’ll be waiting here for you

My throat keeps clogging so I couldn’t say anything

Because your two eyes didn’t look at me but looked away from me

(I can’t yet) I can’t let you go

(Even now) I’m crying because of you

Like a dream I have met you, like a dream we loved

Our love was as happy as a dream

Like a dream you have appeared, like a dream you have left

Comeback to me again, since I’ll be waiting here for you

Then he look at a book in the edge of her bed. A book? A diary? Is it hers...?

January, 28th 2009

Annyeong, baby...

It’s still awkward to called you, baby, my baby. This is the first time I know that I have you. Afraid? Of course I am... I’m is scared of everything, that so many thing that will become complicated if I have you. Why you have to came to me now? Can you wait for me until I’m ready? But you want to met me this soon. To have a worry that no one will accept us.

But to learn that a part of me is growing inside of me, to breath the same breath with me, to have a heart beat inside mine, to have my own family... It’s just so amazing. I think that my heart grows bigger when I think about you... I just can say that I’m happy to have you.

Whatever they will say. For me you will never been an accident. I think I fall in love with you from the first time I met you...^^

January, 29th 2009

Baby-a...

Your uncle insist me to talk with your father. He is the first one to know about you, even when I didn’t know myself. What should I do? Are he would accept you?

January, 31th 2009

I’m sorry that mommy get mad today. I must be scared you. But I think that it is the best that your father never know about you. I’m sorry...

But your uncle keep pestering me, I never thought that I would yelled at him. He is the angel that save my life.

February, 3rd 2009

Baby...

Your uncle and your great grandmother come to me today. I don’t understand why they want us to marry. Your father looks like he is angry with me. His family must force him to see me. Then what should I do?

February, 5th 2009

Today your father come to my house. He looks tired and mad at me. He said that I’m destroy his life. Is it? It’s not like I’m the one who made all this thing happen. Maybe he just as afraid as I am, but when he said to abort you, I just mad at him. I said that he don’t have to responsible with me, it’s his family who want to, not me... I’m sorry baby, I’m afraid that you’ll never know your father. But I promise to be a best mommy and daddy, the best I can.

February, 10th 2009

Hello baby...

These day are chaotic day, I don’t even remember how do I pass this week.

Ah... after all, we’re gonna married, your mom and dad... How can I refuse his grandmother and his hyung wish when they talked to me like that. I don’t have a heart to.... So, maybe it’s the best for you?

February, 12th 2009

He brought with him an agreement file. A contract. A deal before our marriage. He said that we both young and should have our own life then, so he want us to agreed to end this marriage 1 year after you are born.

What should I do? It’s not like I love him either, right? For me it’s all fine as long I can take you with me...

February, 14th 2009

Our wedding day, ironic right, to get married on the day of love with someone that didn’t love you...

But at least Chorong auntie and Bomi auntie come to see you. You have to see them getting all crazy about you. They said they’ll love you as long as you don’t resemble me... Hahaha... They are the best friend a mom can expect...^^

February, 20th 2009

Hi, my baby... Today is the second day I’ve met you. Although your dad grumbled all the way to the hospital, but afterall he accompany me there. And somehow, I guess that he does want to see you. Curious? Maybe... But I bet he would fall in love with you soon.

But baby, can’t you not made mommy starving? >.< I barely eat now. They said that this naussea will gone soon. But I guess I have to wait a little longer huh?

 March, 20th 2009

Hi, baby... I’m sorry I’m not write in this journal everyday. But I do talked with you everyday, right... ^^

Today is your check up day. Dr.Kim said that you really healthy, your heart beat is so strong. Baby-a... thanks for growing healthy...

Dad is not coming with us today, he get busier each day. I guess they weight him more responsible now. Mommy think the more I know him, the more I feel that he is a good person. He did open his heart to us, although sometimes his act toward me confused me.

April, 18th 2009

Hi again my baby... You’re growing bigger now. My stomach looks like it have bump now. My appetite is comeback to normal, after this 3 month I don’t have it. You really want to make my weight jump up, huh...^^...

But, baby... I’m happy...

Your dad is so sweet. He bring me anything that i’m craving for... Even last night, and suddenly I’m craving for patbingsoo in the 2 am... he just search for it in the late night, but when he brought it, I’m already sleeping. Hahaha... I’m sorry, oppa...^__^

And baby? Do you know something, you must feel it too, right... that everytime your dad close to us, my heart beats faster and it’s just feels so right to be in his embrace... Ah mommy so embarrased right now? Is mommy started to fall in love with your dad?

April, 28th 2009

Today is your hamster uncle birthday...^^... We just planning our dinner when your father come to his office. And as usual, he looks grumpy, but sometimes it’s look cute though... Congratulations Sunggyu oppa... Have a happy and blessed birthday. Thank you for always being my angel. And thanks to your dad, that I can have this angel as my big brother...

May, 12th 2009

My baby... no I just called you my daughter now...

Today, dr.Kim said you are a girl. Mommy so happy right now. To imagine that I would have a baby girl really make my day. Dad come with us today, he grabs my hands when dr.Kim said that. I think he is also happy to have a daughter like you...

He asked me if I already prepared a name for you... I say yes...

Eunji...Lee Eunji... are you like it? Mommy likes that name since I was a little... Didn’t know why...

You already 20 weeks now, Eunji-a...grow healthy, mommy can’t wait to see you... saranghae...<3

Ah... Eunji appa too... saranghae <3

...

May, 15th 2009

Annyeong, Eunji-a...

Mom is sad today... I know I’m not supposed to, mianhae...>< But today, Tiffany eonnie come to our home, she want to visit us. I know she is so kind, but I just can erased the feeling that your dad is still love her. Am I wrong? I don’t know.

I know we’re supposed to get divorced next year, but can I tell him that I don’t want too? I love him... I love his family, and I love the feeling of to have a family, to be a part of a family again.

But if I had to release him, I’ll do it for his happiness...

Love you both...

May, 16th 2009

Eunji-a...annyeong

Today we’ll gonna meet your great grandmother... they have a 70th birthday party for her. Grandmother said that she want to see you faster, she always nags that she won’t live long enough to seen her great grandchildren, until we have you. And now she push Sunggyu oppa to get married to...^^..

She will be happy if she know you were a girl...

She will like our present, right? I bet she will. And your uncle too. I’m not yet get gave him his present for his engagement... I’m very happy to hear that he will married with Soyu eonnie. I’m happy for that handsome hamster. She will take care of him, and take care of his grumpy personality. You must be happy too right, Eunji... Mommy feels you were moving when I hug your uncle last night...

Ah, your daddy is ready... He’s a little bit sensitive since your uncle visit last night, so mommy have to get ready faster now. We don’t want to hear his nag, right?

Love you Eunji-a... and love your grumpy daddy too... Saranghae...<3 <3 <3

He finished read her diary until that day, that doomed day.  Finally he realized her heart that he didn't know before. No, her heart that he didn't want to see before. Oh, how he wished that he could turned back time. To know all of this before, to tell her that he actually love her too. He loved her all this time, yet refuse to admitted it, because his pride, because his own unsecureness. He regretted it now. Those are nothing if he didn't have her. He want to hugged her, share this pain together with her. To pass through all of this together with her. How he wished that she will never leave.

Hyerim-a....mianhae...mianhae... he fell in his knees, hugging her diary. His whole body was shaking, tears streaming to his clothes, to her diary. He clutched his shirt, over his chest. His guilt weight him, his breaking heart, afraid to lose the one that he doesn’t know he had. Her love, his wife and his unborn child.

His heart pained yet he still heard her song that still filled that room...

None of this happened, this is all a dream, that is what I wanted to believe

I miss you, I love you, I want to tell my heart to you

Like a dream I have met you, like a dream we loved

Our love was as happy as a dream

Like a dream you have appeared, like a dream you have left

Comeback to me again, since I’ll be waiting here for you

At last an update....^^...fell free to comment... Sorry if this still lacking. I want to conveyed it emotionally at first, but I think it's still lacking something ? What do you all think?

#almost die in curiosity whose Siwan husband.....^^....writer-nim and PD-nim, be good to us....!!!! Make her with Yoonjae....