Wanting to die is easy.

Wanting to live again is hard.

"Jonghyun," Baekhyun nundged me with his hand. I blinked slowly and looked at him. "It's your turn." 

Every Friday, the rehab center I was at gathered up their patients and basically had a group meeting. We usually talked about our thoughts, emotions, troubles, just anything in particular. It was supposed to be a friendly socializing time, but I hated it and always found it awkward.

"My turn?" I repeated. Baekhyun nodded and patted my arm. 

Today we were expected to talk about why we were here in the first place. The instructor said it was for "advice" and "support", however I saw it as an action that could trigger others.

"I am here because," I paused, collecting my memories. "I self-harmed and my boyfriend found out. I thought he was cheating on me and I attempted suicide. My friend suggested sending me to a rehab center, but my boyfriend forgot about it apparently." I paused. Baekhyun encouraged me to continue. "A few months later, after I started recovering, I fell back down and the suicidal thoughts were back. Now, I'm here." I ended.

Everyone in the circle nodded. One guy with copper colored hair and fairly wide eyes, I think his name was Mir, raised his hand. I looked at him and half nodded, giving him permission to ask his question.

"How did you try to kill yourself?"

It was a simple question, but it was so straight forward that it left me stunned. Mir continued to gaze at me, his dark eyes making me tense.

"I jumped in front of a train."

Dear Aron, if you are reading this, I have one word for you: Goodbye. I know I am not worth your love anyways. Don't come search for me. I haven't run away, oh no. I've gone to do something much worse. I am a mistake. Mistakes must be deleted, right? 

I hope you'll understand, hyung. Do not mention this to the others, especially Min. He will be broken for life. I'm sure you could care less about neither me nor Minhyun. Go back to Aimee. Be happy. That's what I would want you to be; happy.

~Kim Jonghyun

Oh come on. 10 more minutes. My life was slowly ticking away.

'Maybe you're overreacting, JR. Suicide for someone that doesn't even care for you? Just forget him!' a voice begged in my head.

I hated that voice. The one that always convinced me not to do something.

Time's up.

I stood up, hearing the train in the distance. I estimated it was a good 5000 feet away.

"Well, this is it." I told myself.

'I love you. I will see you soon, huh? Don't be worrying about me anymore.' I silently prayed to my two sisters.

My heart was pumping rapidly.

I didn't know if I was nervous or grateful.

Sunggyu grinned at me. "It was nice to meet you, JR. Hopefully, we'll meet again." 

I flashed a fake- smile. "Yeah, you too, Sunggyu." 

As the train approached, my heart leaped for joy. God, what a messed up person I was.

"1........" I counted to myself.

The train's loud engine echoed around the station. My heart pumped faster. Faster. It felt like it was going to explode.

"2............"

The train was now in my view. I placed my left foot in front of my right foot, preparing to lunge forward.

"3."

I jumped, my arms reaching forward to give me more power.

Right as I lept, a pair of strong arms tackled me, my head smashing against the ground along with my body.

I shouted angerly and glared at the person who had stopped my death.

Hatred burned through my body.

Aron Kwaak.

His wails grew more uncontrollable and he was hiccuping now. My heart felt terrible, like something had ripped it to shreds.

"Please, JR. Another chance. I love you so much, you mean the world to me. The incident about Aimee......I was being a jerk. Just.............................I love you, I love you." Aron begged again. He looked like he really ment it. But I didn't fall that easily.

I blinked. Aron buried his hands into his dark hair, pulling the strands. 

"No." I said. I hated myself for saying it, but I didn't 100% trust Aron anymore.

He shouted out something in English, something I didn't know, and fell to the ground on his knees. He pounded the ground with his fists, frustrated and angry. I didn't know if his anger was at me or himself.

"JR! I just want to be with you!" he sobbed, his whimpers filled my ears as he kept hitting the ground with his fists, pounding away endlessly.

Baekhyun's POV

"A train." 

Jonghyun had been mumbling these two words for minutes now, his eyes glazed over and hard to read as he stared at Mir. His hands clenched intu tight fists. 

Mir cleared his throat politely. "Jonghyun, I get-"

"A train."

I gulped. He was starting to scare me now. Mir was getting uncomfortable, as well as a few other people in the circle. "Jonghyun-ah." I shook him lightly, attempting to snap him out of his bizzare spell.

"A train."

"Okay, it was a train. You jumped in front of a train. I get it. We get it." I motioned to the whole audience, waving my hands. JR's glazed eyes looked at me. "Just come back okay?" I hugged him tightly.

"Aron was there. He saved me."

I let out a long sigh because he finally siad something other then 'A train.' "Oh was he? That's good. Did you thank him?" I asked quietly, ignoring the looks given to us by the others in the circle that were patiently waiting for us to finish.

JR shook his head, his hair falling in his face. "I need to. He pulled me down. Away. From the train." his voice cracked slightly and I saw his glazed eyes shimmer with tears.

"Yes, you do need to thank Aron." I gave him a small smile. 

"Baekhyun hyung," he adressed my name, but he looked at everyone.

"yes?"

"I hate trains."

~ a u t h o r ' s ~ n o t e ~

Hai again . Have this awful ty update ;^;

Sorry I have not updated in weeks. I've had exams and >___< but school is almost done for me (1 more day!!!!!). I'll update more often after school is out. Btw, this fic is almost done :c Feel free to subscribe to any other stories I have? 

So I guess this chapter is sort of based off of me since lately I've been having my bad memories freaking attack me and make me sob and tremble and hyperventilate and alflashjlsjgksksl

yeah. 

I missed you all <3