Horrible. I look incredibly terrible. Dark circles, unkempt hair, swollen and red eyes and the unwashed face. “What is happening to me?” I asked myself every day but I can’t help myself to forget Kyungsoo and move on with my life.

The first break up that we had was much more bearable than this. The feeling of his lips on mine and his controlling hands on my wrist was different from who my boyfriend was. Kyungsoo was soft; he treats me like I’m a fragile glass that would break even if I trip.

The feeling was indescribable. After the break up, although I didn’t want to admit it, I missed him. His infamous smile, the eye smile, the adorable laugh and his deep and the soothing voice that would always lull me to sleep.

I love him. It’s stupid, after what he did to me, he doesn’t deserve my love, but I love him. These whole years, these whole years of getting to know him, getting stuck in love makes it hard to forget him.

I sighed and covered my face with my palms. I sighed as a tear fell, it’s nothing unusual really. I rolled my eyes, totally annoyed with myself for even crying at the thought of him. I brush away the strand of hair that was covering my face and made my way to the shower.

I dried off my hair with a small towel as I sat on the chair in front of the mirror. “At least I look better, now.” After days of crying over him and not letting go I finally decided that it was waste to cry for him. It’s time to it up and move on.

After brushing my hair, I opened the door and I was met with the familiar hall. I cooped myself in my room for days, only going out when I’m hungry. It felt strange to go out again. Just right when I reached the stairs I heard the sound of someone laughing. I could recognize one of them as my mother’s, the other one as my father’s. “Dad’s home?” I whispered.

I remembered my father telling me that he’ll be away for four days for a business trip. And that was when realization hit me. “4 days already passed?” I asked unbelievably to myself. I didn’t even know that it had been that long since that thing happened, it felt longer.

I went down the stairs and was going to put on my fake façade. “Good ----“My breath hitched as the same pair of eyes stared back at mine.

“Oh you’re up, honey.” My mom stood up and went over to the kitchen. My body temperature was raising and my fingers were clenching into a fist.

My mom came back with a plate in hand and placed it down right opposite from where he was sitting. “Come and eat your breakfast.” My dad chimed.

Not wanting my parents to sense something, I broke off the staring contest that I had with him and sat down. “Kyungsoo came while you were sleeping and you locked your door, so.” My mom smiled and scooped some soup for me.

“What are you doing here?” I was trying to sound nice so that my parents wouldn’t notice anything but the words came out cold and distant. Kyungsoo seems to be shocked by my tone but recovered in seconds as he replied nonchalantly, “I’m here to see you, of course.” Even he sounded awkward when he was saying that.

My parents were happily chatting with Kyungsoo and I could see that they’re glad to see him. They always treat Kyungsoo as if he’s their own son.

I stayed out of the conversation and kept quiet throughout the breakfast. I finished my breakfast quickly and drank the water before standing up. “Thank you for the food.”

“Oh honey, where are you going?” My mother asked. I was quiet since I didn’t know where I was going; all I wanted was to get away from Kyungsoo. I feel suffocated staying in the same room as him for too long.

“My room.” I answered simply. “But Kyungsoo’s here. He made time for you and you just want to sleep the day away?” I almost snorted when my mom said he was making time for me. Yeah right.

‘We broke up, dammit.’ Was what I wanted to say to them but Iwasn’t able to spill it out. How can I, when me myself doesn’t want to believe of that idea. A part of me wanted to talk away and lock myself in my room again but a part of me wanted him to hold me in his arms and whisper sweet nothings to me.

“Thank you for the food, mother, and father.” Kyungsoo smiled and stood up. I wasn’t going to let myself being dragged away by him but the latter part of me wanted him to hold my hand not my wrist.

After moment of contemplating with myself, I didn’t even realize that we’ve reached at my backyard. He let go of my wrist and it only took seconds for me to miss the warmth.

I looked at him as he ruffled his hair in a frustrated manner and sighed. “Listen … I …” He stuttered but stopped. I avoided his eyes as I waited for him to speak up again.

My hands were limp as he held them in his own. He peered at my face and whispered my name that made me to look at him.

My walls, the walls that I built over the weeks were starting to crack, the walls that I built in order not to let him ruin my life again started to crack as I stared at his eyes.

“Baby, I just …. I’m sorry.” He sounded so sincere that I didn’t know if he was acting again. I furrowed my brows as I wondered. “It hurts, huh? The thing that I did. I’m sorry, babe, I didn’t know what happened to me.” He stopped for a second and that was when I noticed that there were tears in his eyes. “That moment when I saw you in the practice room, I realized how much I was missing you. I need you; I need you to be with me.”

He swiped his thumb over my lips and a tear fell from his eyes. “I hurt you. I didn’t know what happened to me. I guess the desperation to have you in my life again took over me. I’m sorry.” As more tears fell, he whispered, “I’m sorry.” again and again.

“You were selfish.” I croaked out.  He looked at me and frowned. “You only think of yourself and not me. Sometimes it feels like I’m the one who’s trying to make this relationship work.”

“I’m trying!” He exclaimed. He seems to notice my shocked face and then he softens. “I’m trying, too. I was not lying when I told you I was busy. The new collaborations song, our new album is coming out; there are SMTown concert practices that have to attend to. Sometimes it feels like it was too much.”

“I want to make this work … I love you but it’s just so ing hard.” My views were blurry and I noticed then that I had been crying all long.

“What about Juniel?”

The question that I threw at him didn’t seem to affect him much as if he’s expected me to ask about her. “She’s just a friend. Nothing more.”

“That time when I called. Did you really go out with her?” When Kyungsoo laughed as if it was the most absurd thing he heard, I frowned. “I did. I sounded so rushed because she sounded like she has been crying and I was worried sick …” He noticed my expression and added, “As a brother, and rushed to where she was that time.”

“I’m sorry if I sounded like I was avoiding you, I wasn’t.” He came closer and cupped my face. “Please, believe me.”

I furrowed my brows and wiped away his tears. I let my palm stay on his cheeks and spoke up. “I’m sorry, too.” I didn’t realize that I was being selfish the whole time. All I ever thought of the bad things he did and not the good things; like when he drove all the way from his schedule to my university just to bring me lunch he packed for me, or when he makes sure that I was home safe every time I went home from SM. I was too mad at him that I ignored the fact that he tried as hard as I did.

He hugged me and I let him, my walls crumbling down. “Let’s not go through this again. I hate the feeling of not being with you. I should’ve come sooner. Thank god someone knocked some sense into me.” He laughed

I pulled away from him and looked at his face. He smiled and I saw an almost invisible purple bruise at the side of his cheek. “Who did this?”

“I tried hard to cover it though.” He pouted cutely. I guess the tears that cascaded down his cheeks washed away the make- up that he did to cover the bruise.

“Who else?” He shrugged.

I sighed and chuckled, “Jongin?”

“Mirae?” I heard a voice, a very familiar deep voice. I opened my eyes and I was immediately met with my bedroom’s ceiling. I turned my head and realized that I was in my room.

“Hey, you okay?” A voice made me turn to my right and I was met with Jongin. I furrowed my brows as I wondered what was happening.

“You were crying.” Jongin said as he wiped off my tears. “You were calling his name …” He said cautiously, afraid that I might crumble down again.

“It was a dream?” I muttered in disbelief. “A dream?” I whispered again. It felt so real. The grip on my hand, his voice inside my head, it was a s if he was really in front of me.

Jongin noticed the tears in my eyes and pulled me into his arms. He didn’t do anything other than my hair in a soothing manner while I soaked his shirt with my tears.