I'll Just Pretend You Were Drunk
If Only High School Made Sense
Xiaxue’s Perspective
Kwon Jiyong; could he be any worse with women.
Most are swooned with flowers, chocolate, and compliments; not blackmail. He was so desperate for Cindy, it was starting to get embarrassing.
The escape from idol world was nice despite the drama that ensued. I even made new friends who weren’t trying to get something out of me like autographs or auditions. Nichkhun was especially cute, being so prim and proper around me. I was very flattered.
Today was back to the usual grind though. My manager had harassed me for going out, so I was punished for my decision. He was always so uptight about any publicity I got. The consequences weren’t at all anything to worry about, all I had to do was coach/babysit Yunho. It got me out of a painfully long recording day for a music video. Sure, it would mean postponing my next single but I didn’t mind. If I was going to be an idol. it would be on my own terms.
“Did you enjoy the festival?” I asked, noticing how upset he had seemed last night.
“Rooftop Prince was good. Yoochun hyung did well” he blandly answered, just continuing to stretch on the ground.
“What about the things outside of the performances? Have fun?” I pressured, wanting to know what was bugging him.
He shrugged, “I just wanted to support Chunnie. That’s all. Jaejoong and Junsu were suppose to be there too, but they couldn’t come”
“Any girls?” I circled around the room in pointe shoes to warm up, “Meet one?”
“Mianhe. I shouldn’t be discussing my personal life with you sunbae” he muttered
“You make me seem so old. But really, I’m barely your noona let alone your sunbae” I sighed
Yunho didn’t speak again as he danced in his own world. I did my ballet study and the adage that went with it, and he still wasn’t talking. It was frustrating seeing him so passive.
I shook my head at him as he stumbled backwards, having slipped on his sweat pants. He never fell dancing, he rivaled eMpress even.
“Aish. Just tell me what’s wrong already” I tsked, helping him up
“A girl” he mumbled.
A girl; wasn’t that always the story with boys?
I smiled, “Well, isn’t that lovely”
“No; she’s taken and I didn’t know, so I just looked dumb pursuing her” he huffed, stomping off to restart the song.
“Then tell me “ quickly I grabbed the remote from him, “What does the festival have to do with it? That’s when you got all upset”
“I doubt you’ll care Sisi. It does-”
“Xiaxue. Noona. Rice cake. Just not Sisi.” I interrupted, hating hearing my stage name since it reminded me so much of Wen.
“Ok... Xiaxue” he snatched the remote back and put on some music, “I was just saying, how I doubt you’ll care. It doesn’t matter”
“I care; I want to be there for the trainees. I was one once, for five years. Back then I wanted someone to listen” I admitted
He took off his shirt and rubbed his face with it. Nervously he twisted it in his hands,
“Last night I saw her with her boyfriend, and it just made it real. You know; real that I can’t date her” he confessed
My instincts told me to hug him, but I knew that would just be awkward. I felt bad for him, having to not only deal with the harsh trainee lifestyle, elite academic atmosphere, but now this crush.
“How long have they been together?” I asked
“I think since Starry Sky” he threw the clothing across the room, against one of the mirrors, “So I have no chance what so ever against this guy. He’s had her since day one once I think about it”
My mind was in a million places. I had the sneaking suspicion of who this couple was. The hunch was probably correct, but I may as well check. When I asked though, hearing it frrm my own mouth just proved to myself it’s truth.
“Kwon Jiyong, right? And Cindy Ha?”
Sadly he nodded slowly, turning around as he wiped his face.
“Oh Yunho, not you too” I shuffled closer to him and threw my hands in the air, “Why her? I like the girl and all, but it’s already so complicated!”
“I couldn’t help it! She was my dance partner, and after spending so much time together... Well; you get it” he defended
“I think you should know the she isn’t dating Jiyong” I said, wanting to make sure he wasn’t uninformed.
“But she said she had a boyfriend” he retorted strongly
I rubbed my temples, starting to get confused myself. Why did all these guys have to go for the same girl, this wasn’t some Kpop music video.
“Ok Taecyeon. That’s who she’s dating” I clarified.
“Hm; at least that’s better than Jiyong” he murmerred, clearly not on good terms with him like most.
What a bitter-sweet situtation; find out the girl you like is no longer dating an , but still is dating someone. To be honest, I took Yunho’s side in all of this. Despite being best friends with Jiyong, I could say with confidence he was to everyone else. Yunho could treat Cindy well going by what I’ve seen in him as a trainee. Maybe I should be setting him up with her instead.
But I couldn’t. Jiyong got himself way in over his head, and in consequence myself.
“Sorry Yunho. That’s all I can say” I whispered, having nothing of encouragement or comfort.
Of all people to think about, it was my sister. and if she was alive. Would Jiyong be happy and dating her? Would Yunho be happy with Cindy? My mistake of being with Taecyeon took away time that we could’ve gotten along, compared to the mere months before her death. I would take it back if I could, maybe she’d be alive then and living with me instead of this idol lifestyle which I hated.
But that was impossible. I couldn’t bring Wen back. I couldn’t just disappear from the company.
I guess Jiyong was my only hope of making a change, making someone finally happy. If I couldn’t fulfill my own relationship dreams, I could at least grant his.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I never thought the words “I’m sorry” and Jiyong would ever go together, but they were. I wish I had taken a picture of his face when I had apologized.
“W-what?” he stuttered
“I’ve been really rude to you, and I shouldn’t be thinking that our fighting is all you fault” I grudgingly admitted
“So... you’re not angry anymore?” he asked
“Not really” I tentatively sat on a laundry covered chair, “I thought a bit, and I want to stop fighting with you”
“We aren’t arguing right now” pointed out Jiyong
I laughed, “Wow; a new record”
“I hate to say it but I agree” Jiyong sat across from me on the bottom bunk, “We should cut down on the arguing. Seungri is starting to get pretty annoyed anyways”
Both of us were unsure what to do with this neutrality. There was no name calling, swearing, or even obscene gestures. It was almost creepy being around a tame Jiyong, like he’d been inhabited by someone else.
“What do we do... talk about our feelings and ?” I asked, totally not having a plan after the words ‘I’m sorry’.
He shrugged,
“You’re the one who came here. But if you want; go ahead”
There it was; the infamous smug face of Kwon Jiyong. It was close to impossible to have a sincere conversation with this guy. A singular clever response was all it took for him to melt back into his bad boy facade. I was going to keep the faith in Taecyeon though, going by what he said about Jiyong’s marshmallow insides.
“Sure; why not” I yipped, determined to fix the forever arguing relationship.
I wiggled into the chair, getting ready to lay down the truth. I was hoping it would provoke some genuinity from him after. Maybe it would just make him angry; I don’t know.
“Feelings... How do I even begin. Well; I guess from the beginning, that makes most sense”
“About me?” eagerly replied Jiyong, with big eyes
I narrowed my eyes,
“Just listen; ok?”
Thankfully, he did and stayed quiet for my entire tumblr worthy venting session.
“That first art class with you, I wanted to see you hanging by your flashy tie by the end of it. You were so arrogant, ignorant, and greasy. Every class after that, I still thought the same of you. The thing that changed though was me; I grew comfortable and actually began to like that personality, finding it weird when you weren’t that way. It became the normal.”
My eyes drifted around the room as I spoke, settling on Jiyong. His expression was indescribable, the only word that somewhat fit being surprised. May as well add on to this, since I had his attention. I continued,
“I’m going to say something crazy, and say it only once, so listen”
I even heard Jiyong gulp as I prepped myself for the confession. Before I even got out the first syllable I could hear my voice faltering,
“I really lik-I really.... When you were pretending to be dating me, I fell for you. Hard”
Finally having spat out the harboured secret, I quietly added,
“I really liked you even though it was all a joke”
Awkwardness absolutely flooded the room, almost drowning me on the spot. I regretted saying my true feelings, even coming here at all. Why did I want to get along with him so badly? I knew the answer though, I’d said it myself. It’s because I really liked him.
“I don’t believe you”
I cocked my head at his response,
“Huh?”
“You heard me. I think you’re lying” He got up and paced a few times, grabbing a drink in the process, “I made so many moves on you. If you’d liked me, at least one would’ve worked”
“That was all for show. Remember; your initiation” I pointed out
“Are you really that dumb? Could you not tell that I was into you!” he hissed
God dammit Jiyong. Control yourself before I have to.
“Calm it” I took a bottle of vitamin water out of his personal stash, “We agreed; no arguing”
He was about to give me a threat, but recoiled at my reminder. I’m glad to see he’s at least trying to be mature about this, sort of.
“Well, it doesn’t matter anyways. You’re dating the Cater now” mumbled Jiyong, sticking out his tongue trying to get the cap off.
I raised a nicely filled in eyebrow,
“Why does who I date matter so much to you? You can get any girl at the academy”
“Because Taecyeon was my best friend! That’s why” he spat
“He was. Why does it still affect you, it’s none of your business” I replied, trying very hard to keep my tone calm.
“You’ve heard it a thousand times, so here it is for another” Jiyong dug in his pocket and brought out his wallet, “You’re just like Wen”
“I don’t even know the gi-”
My tongue stopped just before hitting the roof of my mouth. A cute smiling face looked at me from the plastic window in front of about ten credit cards. It was Wen. I’d never seen a photo of her before. People weren’t crazy after all; we did look similar, and not just because we were both asian. I think it was the smile, it shared an eerie resemblance.
“She’s beautiful” I mumbled, wondering if this is what students saw me as at first glance.
He nodded somberly,
“The looks were a bonus. It was her personality that was truly beautiful, as cheesy as it sounds”
“I wouldn’t have ever guessed she and Xiaxue are sisters” I said, truly shocked at her appearance.
“Most didn’t even know she had one since Xiaxue went into training early. Wen does look like her mother though” he stated
I stopped swallowing the water half way. I put down the bottle, curious, asking
“So have you ever met her? I’ve heard about her, but nothing more than the fact she wasn’t much of a mother”
Jiyong actually laughed at this. Not even a cackle or snigger.
“That’s an understatement. She even played matchmaker with Wen, arranging her marriage for the sake of the company when she wasn’t even six”
This time I didn’t manage to swallow what was in my mouth, spitting it all over the room and my clothes.
“What! You were in an arranged marriage with her!” I hacked out, coughing up the liquid in my windpipe.
“No no no! Her mother had a much richer guy in place. He is an actual heir since he’ll inherit the company” defended Jiyong, clearly repulsed at the notion of arranged marriage
“Who could be any more rich, spoiled, and obnoxious than you” I laughed, wondering what guy poor Wen would’ve had to marry.
He smirked knowingly,
“Ok Taecyeon, the inheritor of eMpress Entertainment”
Even though I knew all about Wen and Taec, this arranged marriage fact just push it over the top and into the rocks below.
“How did you get to date her then?” I asked, completely dumbfounded
“Taecyeon insisted his father break off the arrangement when she dumped him. Being an actual parent who looked after their child, he did. Wen’s mother had a fit though, but was slightly satisfied when he agreed to take Xiaxue instead. Having one of her daughters in the company was better than nothing at all. She approved of me when she heard of us dating, since my father is the creator of the clothing line 86C. I didn’t meet her until the funeral though, and only for the ten minutes she could spare for her daughter” explained Jiyong, practically snarling when it came to the part about the funeral.
I puffed my cheeks, “That’s one way to make your kids hate you”, then let out all the air in them
“Trust me; the marriage, elite schools, and becoming a trainee isn’t even 1% of how horrible their mother was” he sighed
My bottle no longer served for me to drink out of it, but to calm my nerves as I twisted it in my hands. They were becoming sweatier with every new thing I found out about Wen and her past with everyone I knew.
Jiyong saw my discomfort, trying to say something not so heavy
“Luckily those two got along perfectly well, Taec and Wen. They were best of friends, brother and sister, then girlfriend and boyfriend”
He stopped though, his tone suddenly becoming harsh and sharp
“But Wen had to die. All because of Taecyeon”
“Woah; she committed suicide, right?” I rolled onto the floor, tired of having to sit still on a chair. “How did Taec get involved in it?”
“You know nothing about your boyfriend; do you?” sneered Jiyong
Screw it; Jiyong had stepped over into the argument zone at least twice.
“Don’t tell me that, when you aren’t willing to be honest to me” I snapped
“Fine; I’ll tell you the truth” he yanked me off the floor, propping me up so I was forced to look him in the eye, “Your boyfriend is a lying, backstabbing, cowardl-”
My hand smacked the end of the word right out of his mouth along with a lot of spit. Was he trying to give me a reason to strangle him? Or did he just love to hear his own voice this much?
“Why do you say that type of stuff! You were friends, best friends you !” I growled
“That’s exactly why I say that kind of stuff. I know him well, too well actually” Jiyong rubbed the red spot on his face, wiping off a bit of blood from biting his cheek on impact, “He abandoned me. After he promised we’d stick together in high school”
Slowly Jiyong lowered his hand. He continued,
“My only real friend left me, all because of a girl. And now he’s trying to take the person who matters away from me.”
I watched in pity as Jiyong kneeled on his bed, tears rolling off his face and onto the sheets. The large wet circles on the cloth didn’t lie; he was crying. Was I suppose to comfort him, tell him something to make him feel better? Even if I was suppose to, I had nothing to say. Him crying made me speechless.
Slowly I patted Jiyongs back, seeing as buckets were pouring from his eyes by now. I’d never pictured him as a silent crier, or a crier at all. Before debate of whether I should just leave, he bolted up and grabbed me in a hug.
“I’m sorry Jiyong” I rubbed his back as he hiccuped from all the crying, “I don’t know you. I’m no Wen ”
“But you’re just like her; you stand up for the people you love, make sacrifices for them” I could feel my neck getting slick from his tears, and from blowing his nose, “And you listened to me. That’s all I wanted”
Here I was; holding the cocky and brash Kwon Jiyong. Wow, the tin man did have a heart.
“Then tell me something else. What do you want to say” I whispered, pulling away so I could get a tissue for him.
He just grabbed me right back though, holding my head in his shoulder.
“I-I don’t want you to see me like this” he rasped
“Please GD. Let me sit down” I shuffled backwards, hoping he’d let go, “Looking good for me is pointless now”
I felt his death grip loosen slowly, allowing me to sit down. He didn’t look bad; just a little puffy eyed and red. Still was the designer label freak I knew. I patted the space beside me, encouraging him to sit and talk.
“So; Wen” I curled up in a blanket, getting chilly all of a sudden from the open window “I know you’re bottling things up about her, about Taec”
Both of us knew that if he did for any longer, he’d explode entirely. Now that was something he wouldn’t want people to see.
“There’s not a lot of stuff, just little things” muttered Jiyong, still getting control over his emotions
Patiently I waited for whatever past experience he wanted to share, if any. This was the only real bonding Jiyong and I have ever had, so I wasn’t going to waste the opportunity. I did want to get along with him, fighting was so tiresome.
“It was a Tuesday. I remember because we always looked at the yellow tulips in the flower shop, and sometimes I’d buy her one. That day she didn’t meet me though, I had even brought her one in advance”
I put up a hand, indicating him to stop
“Wait; what are you tal-” I stopped myself, realizing the context, “Nevermind, sorry. Continue”
He nodded slowly then went on,
“Wen had created the maze and courtyard as a green project, to bring the students together. She thought it was really cute and romantic. I knew ’d find her there since she spent all of her time working on it. As I walked back from the shop to the school, she and Taecyeon drove by. I became really suspicious of her cheating again”
A few tears came out his eyes, dribbling down his cheeks and into his lap. He wiped his eyes, quietly sharing the last part of the story. I was probably getting as emotional as he was by now.
Jiyong’s voice cracked,
“She was dead when I got back. Just over an hour, running some errands, that’s how short it was for her to die. I could’ve stopped her, convinced her that she should stay”
For a moment he turned away, wiping his face and letting out a few low whimpers. I felt so much pity for him; how could he have dealt with this? It was so sad, because he hadn’t until now. A year later.
“Maybe you should calm down, and I’ll come back” I suggested softly
“No, no. I’ll finish. Please don’t go, please” he begged, hugging his knees to hide his face
I gave him a nod and an encouraging smile. He tried to smile back, but failed to as another tear tumbled out and onto his face. He continued to recount the day,
“There was just so much blood I didn’t know what to do. My first reaction was to give her CPR, but after that not working I just went into shock. I didn’t want someone to come into the garden, it was Wen’s place, so I carried her into the school for help. The last thing I did was put the tulip in the maze, maybe it’d bring some luck to her at the hospital. Obviously, it didn’t though”
“Did you get to speak with her, at least the day before?” I asked quietly
He sighed,
“I did, in the maze when she died. She was barely awake when I arrived, but she managed to say one last thing”
“And that was?...” I said, my voice rising in pitch
Jiyong winced,
“She said, ‘Remember what I taught you’, then lost consciousness. ”
“Well, did you?” I muttered, looking at his stone expression
“Ya; I did. I can find my out of the maze now” he replied
I shook my head,
“I was thinking of something more profound”
“She designed the hedge maze to have seven entrances, each with a different route to the centre. She hated it when I came along, because she’d always have to get me out. So one day she left me there, saying I had find my own way out. Eventually I did, then the next day I found another way to do it” explained Jiyong
He turned to face me and my blank stare, adding,
“Independence, perseverance; that’s what she taught me”
“You really did love her” I whispered, having difficulty absorbing it all.
“Along with Taecyeon and Jay I did” he answered
“So Jay did love her, even though he was in line for Prince?” I questioned, curious what he thought
“See that you’re informed” Jiyong laid down on the bunk, his feet behind me, “He did despite all what the students believed. I didn’t believe it when he told me even, but now I do, I know how he felt” he admitted
I flashed back to the time with Taecyeon sitting on his bed, talking about his past. My mouth was ahead of my brain, asking the question before I thought about it. Even if I had taken the time to slow down and think, I probably still would’ve asked.
“If she was alive, Wen, what would you tell her?” I breathed, thinking about what Taec answered and how much it had stung.
“Nothing. I’d say nothing to her” he rasped
I looked for a sign that he was lying, trying to hide something, but he wasn’t. He really meant it.
I cleared my throat,
“Do you still love her?”
At that moment Jiyong sat up from his position, propping himself up on an elbow. He shook his head,
“No matter how many times she denied it, she still loved Taecyeon. For whatever reason she dumped Taecyeon, it wasn’t because they fell out of love like he says. It was something else”
And I sure did know what that something else was.... Aish.
He finished,
“So no; I don’t love her anymore. That’s a whole other thing than forgetting her though. Everyday I’m haunted by the sight of her body, seeing her lifeless, dying. Not being able to hear her voice, hold her hand, kiss her lips...”
My body was leaning naturally towards Jiyong and so was his towards mine. No; I shouldn’t be doing this. I just made up with Taecyeon. Quickly I straightened myself out, coughing loudly to interrupt the moment.
“Is that all?” I said uncomfortably
He shrugged,
“The big part, but do you want to stay? Seungri is gone for the weekend, out with his friend Daesung. We can continue talking. I mean; you don’t have to but... I have food!”
Jiyong always had good food too... And I hadn’t had a real lunch or dinner...
I smiled shyly,
“I don’t like bananas, so not that flavoured milk please”
In his room he had every type of luxury, including my favourite instant ramen. He had gone to get some more food from the cafeteria, so it gave me time to myself. Breathing in the steam from the broth had a somewhat calming effect luckily.
“I’m back” Jiyong placed a plate of chicken on the bed, “I ran into Onew, so you should glad you’re being fed”
“Well thanks” I gratefully accepted the hot food, “But really? Do you know what happening with Gina and him?”
He chuckled softly, sitting beside me,
“They’re already back to normal. She apparently just cried a lot then they hooked up”
Hopefully that wasn’t in my room. It probably was though; ugh. I just let it pass through my mind not wanting to think about other people’s lives.
“Do you know anything about Emily and Woooyoung? Key doesn’t shut up about it” asked Jiyong
I shrugged,
“Even if there was, I doubt she’d tell me even. Emily isn’t very public about her feelings, and doesn’t clue me in until she’s for certain. We’ll see. Wooyoung though, he really likes her”
My hand froze carrying a piece of chicken, seeing as Jiyong had whipped out his phone to text Key.
“You can tell him he screwed up. It’s not worth it, he hurt her badly” I commentated.
“I was more so going to tell him that he’s an idiot that can’t get women, but you’re wording sounds better” he said, sending the message
“Then what about you Jiyong. Do you have something for Xiaxue?” I asked, considering how oddly close they were
“She’s my bestfriend. And I’d never date her, not after Wen. I may as well have cheated on her if I thought dating Xiaxue ever was acceptable” he explained, thinking that was an obvious answer
I slowly chewed on a piece of noodle,
“So then you’ve never cheated?”
Suddenly his face went rigid, he stopped eating, putting down his chopsticks. Coldy he answered,
“That’s why I can’t stand the Heirs; most of them are lying dirty cheaters. I would never stoop so low as to cheat on a girl, it’s disgusting”
Well. That answered that...
“Have you ever cheated?” he skeptically asked
I shook my head quickly,
“No. Everyone hates me”
Jiyong laughed, showing off his teeth in a grin
“You always say that. But it was kinda stupid to ask, you’re too good of a girl to cheat on anyone”
“Hey! Don’t go labelling me as a perfect little innocent baby” I pouted
“I meant it in the best way possible Cindy” he defended
We finished our food, chatting casually back and forth. If only I’d learnt half this school life crap at the beginning the year. He was a gold mine of information.
“Suzy’s initiation was hilarious. She had to stand up on a table during lunch and ask out the guy she liked most. It really had no point, but was really funny to watch. I guess that’s how Rednessdays started” said Jiyong
“Who was the unlucky guy?” I asked
He sighed,
“Me. Unfortunately.”
I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to laugh, but I did anyways. My body flopped onto the bed as I giggled, imaging if Suzy and Jiyong dated.
“What’d you say to her?” I hiccuped, trying to breath normally.
“That I’d most I’d sleep with her” he grinned unregrettably
“Dude!” I popped my head up off the mattress, “Did you?”
“No; but I got the spot as Heir” he said with satisfaction.
“What about you” Jiyong petted his beloved companion of a dog Gaho, rubbing behind his ears, “How’s your initiation going?”
“Haven’t even started” I smugly replied
His eyes shot open,
“You’re not going to get in then; I can’t even vote you in on my own”
I smiled and gave Gaho a pat myself,
“Exactly”
After that, he fell quiet. It absolutely astounded him that someone wouldn’t want to be an Heir. The concept was unfathomable for him. Due to the lack of conversation, I flicked on a movie. After screwing around with about five remotes and ten cables I got it to work since Jiyong was too busy doing nothing.
Because Jiyong is so manly, he wanted to prove so with a horror movie. I have a strong love hate relationship with them, thinking it won’t be that scary but then too freaked out to even go to the bathroom. I had seen this one before -The Ring- so maybe I’d survive. Maybe.
“You kid; can’t even handl- ! Just came out of the television!” I squealed, burrowing into the wall.
“Watch the movie ok?” he squeaked back, meeting my face under the covers.
“Hey; my hiding spot” I pushed his nose, flattening it on his face “And take Gaho with you”
Suddenly the fear of the movie vanished from his expression, smiling with just his lips
“So this is what it’s like to be friends”
I didn’t have to look in a mirror to know I was blushing.
Slowly I came out from under the blankets, wanting to father face a possessed movie character than a sensitive G-Dragon. I sat straight as a board against the wall, making sure my eyes anywhere but on his. Why did that comment make me so nervous?
“I’m going to go home” I crawled out and onto the floor, “It’s getting late”
It actually wasn’t very late, especially for Saturday. I just felt I should leave.
“Uhm... Ok” he mumbled, flicking off the screen I had worked so hard to get on.
I went to the door and turned the handle, about to leave for my dorm. Suddenly Jiyong was right behind me and held me tightly against himself.
“Just warning you, I’m about to kiss you”
Nice warning Jiyong, considering he kissed me less than a second after.
His lips barely brushed mine, making me shiver. I stood there stiffly not wanting to kiss him back. My feelings weren’t going to get involved in this, no matter how much I enjoyed having him treat me well. He backed away from me just to hold my hand in between us.
“I really wish you’d fallen in love with me first” he smiled sadly, putting our hands down, “And Friday really was a date to me”
“Are you drunk?” I muttered, even though I knew he had no alcohol tonight
He shook his head with a light chuckle,
“Would you believe me if I said I was?”
I don’t know. Would I? Would I ever?
“Goodnight Jiyong” I walked out into the low traffic hallway, “See you in class”
My heart felt like it was about to give out from how fast it was pumping. My head was spinning from what had just happened. I wanted to get along with him, but I didn’t want to make people jump to conclusions. He was too late though. Maybe if he had decided to sweeten up earlier, we wouldn’t be in this situation.
“Friends with Kwong Jiyong” I whispered to myself,
Hm; no matter how you spin it, it sounds weird.
Kwon Jiyong; could he be any worse with women.
Most are swooned with flowers, chocolate, and compliments; not blackmail. He was so desperate for Cindy, it was starting to get embarrassing.
The escape from idol world was nice despite the drama that ensued. I even made new friends who weren’t trying to get something out of me like autographs or auditions. Nichkhun was especially cute, being so prim and proper around me. I was very flattered.
Today was back to the usual grind though. My manager had harassed me for going out, so I was punished for my decision. He was always so uptight about any publicity I got. The consequences weren’t at all anything to worry about, all I had to do was coach/babysit Yunho. It got me out of a painfully long recording day for a music video. Sure, it would mean postponing my next single but I didn’t mind. If I was going to be an idol. it would be on my own terms.
“Did you enjoy the festival?” I asked, noticing how upset he had seemed last night.
“Rooftop Prince was good. Yoochun hyung did well” he blandly answered, just continuing to stretch on the ground.
“What about the things outside of the performances? Have fun?” I pressured, wanting to know what was bugging him.
He shrugged, “I just wanted to support Chunnie. That’s all. Jaejoong and Junsu were suppose to be there too, but they couldn’t come”
“Any girls?” I circled around the room in pointe shoes to warm up, “Meet one?”
“Mianhe. I shouldn’t be discussing my personal life with you sunbae” he muttered
“You make me seem so old. But really, I’m barely your noona let alone your sunbae” I sighed
Yunho didn’t speak again as he danced in his own world. I did my ballet study and the adage that went with it, and he still wasn’t talking. It was frustrating seeing him so passive.
I shook my head at him as he stumbled backwards, having slipped on his sweat pants. He never fell dancing, he rivaled eMpress even.
“Aish. Just tell me what’s wrong already” I tsked, helping him up
“A girl” he mumbled.
A girl; wasn’t that always the story with boys?
I smiled, “Well, isn’t that lovely”
“No; she’s taken and I didn’t know, so I just looked dumb pursuing her” he huffed, stomping off to restart the song.
“Then tell me “ quickly I grabbed the remote from him, “What does the festival have to do with it? That’s when you got all upset”
“I doubt you’ll care Sisi. It does-”
“Xiaxue. Noona. Rice cake. Just not Sisi.” I interrupted, hating hearing my stage name since it reminded me so much of Wen.
“Ok... Xiaxue” he snatched the remote back and put on some music, “I was just saying, how I doubt you’ll care. It doesn’t matter”
“I care; I want to be there for the trainees. I was one once, for five years. Back then I wanted someone to listen” I admitted
He took off his shirt and rubbed his face with it. Nervously he twisted it in his hands,
“Last night I saw her with her boyfriend, and it just made it real. You know; real that I can’t date her” he confessed
My instincts told me to hug him, but I knew that would just be awkward. I felt bad for him, having to not only deal with the harsh trainee lifestyle, elite academic atmosphere, but now this crush.
“How long have they been together?” I asked
“I think since Starry Sky” he threw the clothing across the room, against one of the mirrors, “So I have no chance what so ever against this guy. He’s had her since day one once I think about it”
My mind was in a million places. I had the sneaking suspicion of who this couple was. The hunch was probably correct, but I may as well check. When I asked though, hearing it frrm my own mouth just proved to myself it’s truth.
“Kwon Jiyong, right? And Cindy Ha?”
Sadly he nodded slowly, turning around as he wiped his face.
“Oh Yunho, not you too” I shuffled closer to him and threw my hands in the air, “Why her? I like the girl and all, but it’s already so complicated!”
“I couldn’t help it! She was my dance partner, and after spending so much time together... Well; you get it” he defended
“I think you should know the she isn’t dating Jiyong” I said, wanting to make sure he wasn’t uninformed.
“But she said she had a boyfriend” he retorted strongly
I rubbed my temples, starting to get confused myself. Why did all these guys have to go for the same girl, this wasn’t some Kpop music video.
“Ok Taecyeon. That’s who she’s dating” I clarified.
“Hm; at least that’s better than Jiyong” he murmerred, clearly not on good terms with him like most.
What a bitter-sweet situtation; find out the girl you like is no longer dating an , but still is dating someone. To be honest, I took Yunho’s side in all of this. Despite being best friends with Jiyong, I could say with confidence he was to everyone else. Yunho could treat Cindy well going by what I’ve seen in him as a trainee. Maybe I should be setting him up with her instead.
But I couldn’t. Jiyong got himself way in over his head, and in consequence myself.
“Sorry Yunho. That’s all I can say” I whispered, having nothing of encouragement or comfort.
Of all people to think about, it was my sister. and if she was alive. Would Jiyong be happy and dating her? Would Yunho be happy with Cindy? My mistake of being with Taecyeon took away time that we could’ve gotten along, compared to the mere months before her death. I would take it back if I could, maybe she’d be alive then and living with me instead of this idol lifestyle which I hated.
But that was impossible. I couldn’t bring Wen back. I couldn’t just disappear from the company.
I guess Jiyong was my only hope of making a change, making someone finally happy. If I couldn’t fulfill my own relationship dreams, I could at least grant his.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I never thought the words “I’m sorry” and Jiyong would ever go together, but they were. I wish I had taken a picture of his face when I had apologized.
“W-what?” he stuttered
“I’ve been really rude to you, and I shouldn’t be thinking that our fighting is all you fault” I grudgingly admitted
“So... you’re not angry anymore?” he asked
“Not really” I tentatively sat on a laundry covered chair, “I thought a bit, and I want to stop fighting with you”
“We aren’t arguing right now” pointed out Jiyong
I laughed, “Wow; a new record”
“I hate to say it but I agree” Jiyong sat across from me on the bottom bunk, “We should cut down on the arguing. Seungri is starting to get pretty annoyed anyways”
Both of us were unsure what to do with this neutrality. There was no name calling, swearing, or even obscene gestures. It was almost creepy being around a tame Jiyong, like he’d been inhabited by someone else.
“What do we do... talk about our feelings and ?” I asked, totally not having a plan after the words ‘I’m sorry’.
He shrugged,
“You’re the one who came here. But if you want; go ahead”
There it was; the infamous smug face of Kwon Jiyong. It was close to impossible to have a sincere conversation with this guy. A singular clever response was all it took for him to melt back into his bad boy facade. I was going to keep the faith in Taecyeon though, going by what he said about Jiyong’s marshmallow insides.
“Sure; why not” I yipped, determined to fix the forever arguing relationship.
I wiggled into the chair, getting ready to lay down the truth. I was hoping it would provoke some genuinity from him after. Maybe it would just make him angry; I don’t know.
“Feelings... How do I even begin. Well; I guess from the beginning, that makes most sense”
“About me?” eagerly replied Jiyong, with big eyes
I narrowed my eyes,
“Just listen; ok?”
Thankfully, he did and stayed quiet for my entire tumblr worthy venting session.
“That first art class with you, I wanted to see you hanging by your flashy tie by the end of it. You were so arrogant, ignorant, and greasy. Every class after that, I still thought the same of you. The thing that changed though was me; I grew comfortable and actually began to like that personality, finding it weird when you weren’t that way. It became the normal.”
My eyes drifted around the room as I spoke, settling on Jiyong. His expression was indescribable, the only word that somewhat fit being surprised. May as well add on to this, since I had his attention. I continued,
“I’m going to say something crazy, and say it only once, so listen”
I even heard Jiyong gulp as I prepped myself for the confession. Before I even got out the first syllable I could hear my voice faltering,
“I really lik-I really.... When you were pretending to be dating me, I fell for you. Hard”
Finally having spat out the harboured secret, I quietly added,
“I really liked you even though it was all a joke”
Awkwardness absolutely flooded the room, almost drowning me on the spot. I regretted saying my true feelings, even coming here at all. Why did I want to get along with him so badly? I knew the answer though, I’d said it myself. It’s because I really liked him.
“I don’t believe you”
I cocked my head at his response,
“Huh?”
“You heard me. I think you’re lying” He got up and paced a few times, grabbing a drink in the process, “I made so many moves on you. If you’d liked me, at least one would’ve worked”
“That was all for show. Remember; your initiation” I pointed out
“Are you really that dumb? Could you not tell that I was into you!” he hissed
God dammit Jiyong. Control yourself before I have to.
“Calm it” I took a bottle of vitamin water out of his personal stash, “We agreed; no arguing”
He was about to give me a threat, but recoiled at my reminder. I’m glad to see he’s at least trying to be mature about this, sort of.
“Well, it doesn’t matter anyways. You’re dating the Cater now” mumbled Jiyong, sticking out his tongue trying to get the cap off.
I raised a nicely filled in eyebrow,
“Why does who I date matter so much to you? You can get any girl at the academy”
“Because Taecyeon was my best friend! That’s why” he spat
“He was. Why does it still affect you, it’s none of your business” I replied, trying very hard to keep my tone calm.
“You’ve heard it a thousand times, so here it is for another” Jiyong dug in his pocket and brought out his wallet, “You’re just like Wen”
“I don’t even know the gi-”
My tongue stopped just before hitting the roof of my mouth. A cute smiling face looked at me from the plastic window in front of about ten credit cards. It was Wen. I’d never seen a photo of her before. People weren’t crazy after all; we did look similar, and not just because we were both asian. I think it was the smile, it shared an eerie resemblance.
“She’s beautiful” I mumbled, wondering if this is what students saw me as at first glance.
He nodded somberly,
“The looks were a bonus. It was her personality that was truly beautiful, as cheesy as it sounds”
“I wouldn’t have ever guessed she and Xiaxue are sisters” I said, truly shocked at her appearance.
“Most didn’t even know she had one since Xiaxue went into training early. Wen does look like her mother though” he stated
I stopped swallowing the water half way. I put down the bottle, curious, asking
“So have you ever met her? I’ve heard about her, but nothing more than the fact she wasn’t much of a mother”
Jiyong actually laughed at this. Not even a cackle or snigger.
“That’s an understatement. She even played matchmaker with Wen, arranging her marriage for the sake of the company when she wasn’t even six”
This time I didn’t manage to swallow what was in my mouth, spitting it all over the room and my clothes.
“What! You were in an arranged marriage with her!” I hacked out, coughing up the liquid in my windpipe.
“No no no! Her mother had a much richer guy in place. He is an actual heir since he’ll inherit the company” defended Jiyong, clearly repulsed at the notion of arranged marriage
“Who could be any more rich, spoiled, and obnoxious than you” I laughed, wondering what guy poor Wen would’ve had to marry.
He smirked knowingly,
“Ok Taecyeon, the inheritor of eMpress Entertainment”
Even though I knew all about Wen and Taec, this arranged marriage fact just push it over the top and into the rocks below.
“How did you get to date her then?” I asked, completely dumbfounded
“Taecyeon insisted his father break off the arrangement when she dumped him. Being an actual parent who looked after their child, he did. Wen’s mother had a fit though, but was slightly satisfied when he agreed to take Xiaxue instead. Having one of her daughters in the company was better than nothing at all. She approved of me when she heard of us dating, since my father is the creator of the clothing line 86C. I didn’t meet her until the funeral though, and only for the ten minutes she could spare for her daughter” explained Jiyong, practically snarling when it came to the part about the funeral.
I puffed my cheeks, “That’s one way to make your kids hate you”, then let out all the air in them
“Trust me; the marriage, elite schools, and becoming a trainee isn’t even 1% of how horrible their mother was” he sighed
My bottle no longer served for me to drink out of it, but to calm my nerves as I twisted it in my hands. They were becoming sweatier with every new thing I found out about Wen and her past with everyone I knew.
Jiyong saw my discomfort, trying to say something not so heavy
“Luckily those two got along perfectly well, Taec and Wen. They were best of friends, brother and sister, then girlfriend and boyfriend”
He stopped though, his tone suddenly becoming harsh and sharp
“But Wen had to die. All because of Taecyeon”
“Woah; she committed suicide, right?” I rolled onto the floor, tired of having to sit still on a chair. “How did Taec get involved in it?”
“You know nothing about your boyfriend; do you?” sneered Jiyong
Screw it; Jiyong had stepped over into the argument zone at least twice.
“Don’t tell me that, when you aren’t willing to be honest to me” I snapped
“Fine; I’ll tell you the truth” he yanked me off the floor, propping me up so I was forced to look him in the eye, “Your boyfriend is a lying, backstabbing, cowardl-”
My hand smacked the end of the word right out of his mouth along with a lot of spit. Was he trying to give me a reason to strangle him? Or did he just love to hear his own voice this much?
“Why do you say that type of stuff! You were friends, best friends you !” I growled
“That’s exactly why I say that kind of stuff. I know him well, too well actually” Jiyong rubbed the red spot on his face, wiping off a bit of blood from biting his cheek on impact, “He abandoned me. After he promised we’d stick together in high school”
Slowly Jiyong lowered his hand. He continued,
“My only real friend left me, all because of a girl. And now he’s trying to take the person who matters away from me.”
I watched in pity as Jiyong kneeled on his bed, tears rolling off his face and onto the sheets. The large wet circles on the cloth didn’t lie; he was crying. Was I suppose to comfort him, tell him something to make him feel better? Even if I was suppose to, I had nothing to say. Him crying made me speechless.
Slowly I patted Jiyongs back, seeing as buckets were pouring from his eyes by now. I’d never pictured him as a silent crier, or a crier at all. Before debate of whether I should just leave, he bolted up and grabbed me in a hug.
“I’m sorry Jiyong” I rubbed his back as he hiccuped from all the crying, “I don’t know you. I’m no Wen ”
“But you’re just like her; you stand up for the people you love, make sacrifices for them” I could feel my neck getting slick from his tears, and from blowing his nose, “And you listened to me. That’s all I wanted”
Here I was; holding the cocky and brash Kwon Jiyong. Wow, the tin man did have a heart.
“Then tell me something else. What do you want to say” I whispered, pulling away so I could get a tissue for him.
He just grabbed me right back though, holding my head in his shoulder.
“I-I don’t want you to see me like this” he rasped
“Please GD. Let me sit down” I shuffled backwards, hoping he’d let go, “Looking good for me is pointless now”
I felt his death grip loosen slowly, allowing me to sit down. He didn’t look bad; just a little puffy eyed and red. Still was the designer label freak I knew. I patted the space beside me, encouraging him to sit and talk.
“So; Wen” I curled up in a blanket, getting chilly all of a sudden from the open window “I know you’re bottling things up about her, about Taec”
Both of us knew that if he did for any longer, he’d explode entirely. Now that was something he wouldn’t want people to see.
“There’s not a lot of stuff, just little things” muttered Jiyong, still getting control over his emotions
Patiently I waited for whatever past experience he wanted to share, if any. This was the only real bonding Jiyong and I have ever had, so I wasn’t going to waste the opportunity. I did want to get along with him, fighting was so tiresome.
“It was a Tuesday. I remember because we always looked at the yellow tulips in the flower shop, and sometimes I’d buy her one. That day she didn’t meet me though, I had even brought her one in advance”
I put up a hand, indicating him to stop
“Wait; what are you tal-” I stopped myself, realizing the context, “Nevermind, sorry. Continue”
He nodded slowly then went on,
“Wen had created the maze and courtyard as a green project, to bring the students together. She thought it was really cute and romantic. I knew ’d find her there since she spent all of her time working on it. As I walked back from the shop to the school, she and Taecyeon drove by. I became really suspicious of her cheating again”
A few tears came out his eyes, dribbling down his cheeks and into his lap. He wiped his eyes, quietly sharing the last part of the story. I was probably getting as emotional as he was by now.
Jiyong’s voice cracked,
“She was dead when I got back. Just over an hour, running some errands, that’s how short it was for her to die. I could’ve stopped her, convinced her that she should stay”
For a moment he turned away, wiping his face and letting out a few low whimpers. I felt so much pity for him; how could he have dealt with this? It was so sad, because he hadn’t until now. A year later.
“Maybe you should calm down, and I’ll come back” I suggested softly
“No, no. I’ll finish. Please don’t go, please” he begged, hugging his knees to hide his face
I gave him a nod and an encouraging smile. He tried to smile back, but failed to as another tear tumbled out and onto his face. He continued to recount the day,
“There was just so much blood I didn’t know what to do. My first reaction was to give her CPR, but after that not working I just went into shock. I didn’t want someone to come into the garden, it was Wen’s place, so I carried her into the school for help. The last thing I did was put the tulip in the maze, maybe it’d bring some luck to her at the hospital. Obviously, it didn’t though”
“Did you get to speak with her, at least the day before?” I asked quietly
He sighed,
“I did, in the maze when she died. She was barely awake when I arrived, but she managed to say one last thing”
“And that was?...” I said, my voice rising in pitch
Jiyong winced,
“She said, ‘Remember what I taught you’, then lost consciousness. ”
“Well, did you?” I muttered, looking at his stone expression
“Ya; I did. I can find my out of the maze now” he replied
I shook my head,
“I was thinking of something more profound”
“She designed the hedge maze to have seven entrances, each with a different route to the centre. She hated it when I came along, because she’d always have to get me out. So one day she left me there, saying I had find my own way out. Eventually I did, then the next day I found another way to do it” explained Jiyong
He turned to face me and my blank stare, adding,
“Independence, perseverance; that’s what she taught me”
“You really did love her” I whispered, having difficulty absorbing it all.
“Along with Taecyeon and Jay I did” he answered
“So Jay did love her, even though he was in line for Prince?” I questioned, curious what he thought
“See that you’re informed” Jiyong laid down on the bunk, his feet behind me, “He did despite all what the students believed. I didn’t believe it when he told me even, but now I do, I know how he felt” he admitted
I flashed back to the time with Taecyeon sitting on his bed, talking about his past. My mouth was ahead of my brain, asking the question before I thought about it. Even if I had taken the time to slow down and think, I probably still would’ve asked.
“If she was alive, Wen, what would you tell her?” I breathed, thinking about what Taec answered and how much it had stung.
“Nothing. I’d say nothing to her” he rasped
I looked for a sign that he was lying, trying to hide something, but he wasn’t. He really meant it.
I cleared my throat,
“Do you still love her?”
At that moment Jiyong sat up from his position, propping himself up on an elbow. He shook his head,
“No matter how many times she denied it, she still loved Taecyeon. For whatever reason she dumped Taecyeon, it wasn’t because they fell out of love like he says. It was something else”
And I sure did know what that something else was.... Aish.
He finished,
“So no; I don’t love her anymore. That’s a whole other thing than forgetting her though. Everyday I’m haunted by the sight of her body, seeing her lifeless, dying. Not being able to hear her voice, hold her hand, kiss her lips...”
My body was leaning naturally towards Jiyong and so was his towards mine. No; I shouldn’t be doing this. I just made up with Taecyeon. Quickly I straightened myself out, coughing loudly to interrupt the moment.
“Is that all?” I said uncomfortably
He shrugged,
“The big part, but do you want to stay? Seungri is gone for the weekend, out with his friend Daesung. We can continue talking. I mean; you don’t have to but... I have food!”
Jiyong always had good food too... And I hadn’t had a real lunch or dinner...
I smiled shyly,
“I don’t like bananas, so not that flavoured milk please”
In his room he had every type of luxury, including my favourite instant ramen. He had gone to get some more food from the cafeteria, so it gave me time to myself. Breathing in the steam from the broth had a somewhat calming effect luckily.
“I’m back” Jiyong placed a plate of chicken on the bed, “I ran into Onew, so you should glad you’re being fed”
“Well thanks” I gratefully accepted the hot food, “But really? Do you know what happening with Gina and him?”
He chuckled softly, sitting beside me,
“They’re already back to normal. She apparently just cried a lot then they hooked up”
Hopefully that wasn’t in my room. It probably was though; ugh. I just let it pass through my mind not wanting to think about other people’s lives.
“Do you know anything about Emily and Woooyoung? Key doesn’t shut up about it” asked Jiyong
I shrugged,
“Even if there was, I doubt she’d tell me even. Emily isn’t very public about her feelings, and doesn’t clue me in until she’s for certain. We’ll see. Wooyoung though, he really likes her”
My hand froze carrying a piece of chicken, seeing as Jiyong had whipped out his phone to text Key.
“You can tell him he screwed up. It’s not worth it, he hurt her badly” I commentated.
“I was more so going to tell him that he’s an idiot that can’t get women, but you’re wording sounds better” he said, sending the message
“Then what about you Jiyong. Do you have something for Xiaxue?” I asked, considering how oddly close they were
“She’s my bestfriend. And I’d never date her, not after Wen. I may as well have cheated on her if I thought dating Xiaxue ever was acceptable” he explained, thinking that was an obvious answer
I slowly chewed on a piece of noodle,
“So then you’ve never cheated?”
Suddenly his face went rigid, he stopped eating, putting down his chopsticks. Coldy he answered,
“That’s why I can’t stand the Heirs; most of them are lying dirty cheaters. I would never stoop so low as to cheat on a girl, it’s disgusting”
Well. That answered that...
“Have you ever cheated?” he skeptically asked
I shook my head quickly,
“No. Everyone hates me”
Jiyong laughed, showing off his teeth in a grin
“You always say that. But it was kinda stupid to ask, you’re too good of a girl to cheat on anyone”
“Hey! Don’t go labelling me as a perfect little innocent baby” I pouted
“I meant it in the best way possible Cindy” he defended
We finished our food, chatting casually back and forth. If only I’d learnt half this school life crap at the beginning the year. He was a gold mine of information.
“Suzy’s initiation was hilarious. She had to stand up on a table during lunch and ask out the guy she liked most. It really had no point, but was really funny to watch. I guess that’s how Rednessdays started” said Jiyong
“Who was the unlucky guy?” I asked
He sighed,
“Me. Unfortunately.”
I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to laugh, but I did anyways. My body flopped onto the bed as I giggled, imaging if Suzy and Jiyong dated.
“What’d you say to her?” I hiccuped, trying to breath normally.
“That I’d most I’d sleep with her” he grinned unregrettably
“Dude!” I popped my head up off the mattress, “Did you?”
“No; but I got the spot as Heir” he said with satisfaction.
“What about you” Jiyong petted his beloved companion of a dog Gaho, rubbing behind his ears, “How’s your initiation going?”
“Haven’t even started” I smugly replied
His eyes shot open,
“You’re not going to get in then; I can’t even vote you in on my own”
I smiled and gave Gaho a pat myself,
“Exactly”
After that, he fell quiet. It absolutely astounded him that someone wouldn’t want to be an Heir. The concept was unfathomable for him. Due to the lack of conversation, I flicked on a movie. After screwing around with about five remotes and ten cables I got it to work since Jiyong was too busy doing nothing.
Because Jiyong is so manly, he wanted to prove so with a horror movie. I have a strong love hate relationship with them, thinking it won’t be that scary but then too freaked out to even go to the bathroom. I had seen this one before -The Ring- so maybe I’d survive. Maybe.
“You kid; can’t even handl- ! Just came out of the television!” I squealed, burrowing into the wall.
“Watch the movie ok?” he squeaked back, meeting my face under the covers.
“Hey; my hiding spot” I pushed his nose, flattening it on his face “And take Gaho with you”
Suddenly the fear of the movie vanished from his expression, smiling with just his lips
“So this is what it’s like to be friends”
I didn’t have to look in a mirror to know I was blushing.
Slowly I came out from under the blankets, wanting to father face a possessed movie character than a sensitive G-Dragon. I sat straight as a board against the wall, making sure my eyes anywhere but on his. Why did that comment make me so nervous?
“I’m going to go home” I crawled out and onto the floor, “It’s getting late”
It actually wasn’t very late, especially for Saturday. I just felt I should leave.
“Uhm... Ok” he mumbled, flicking off the screen I had worked so hard to get on.
I went to the door and turned the handle, about to leave for my dorm. Suddenly Jiyong was right behind me and held me tightly against himself.
“Just warning you, I’m about to kiss you”
Nice warning Jiyong, considering he kissed me less than a second after.
His lips barely brushed mine, making me shiver. I stood there stiffly not wanting to kiss him back. My feelings weren’t going to get involved in this, no matter how much I enjoyed having him treat me well. He backed away from me just to hold my hand in between us.
“I really wish you’d fallen in love with me first” he smiled sadly, putting our hands down, “And Friday really was a date to me”
“Are you drunk?” I muttered, even though I knew he had no alcohol tonight
He shook his head with a light chuckle,
“Would you believe me if I said I was?”
I don’t know. Would I? Would I ever?
“Goodnight Jiyong” I walked out into the low traffic hallway, “See you in class”
My heart felt like it was about to give out from how fast it was pumping. My head was spinning from what had just happened. I wanted to get along with him, but I didn’t want to make people jump to conclusions. He was too late though. Maybe if he had decided to sweeten up earlier, we wouldn’t be in this situation.
“Friends with Kwong Jiyong” I whispered to myself,
Hm; no matter how you spin it, it sounds weird.
A/N: I uploaded this chapter 3 days ago, but then the server switch happened and POOF; it no longer existed. So here it is now.
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