Back Home
All That Matters
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CHAPTER: Back Home
There are times that I just found myself feeling lonely, while sitting in the center of a room, embraced by a dim light.
Then, I’ll witness that same familiar scene of tears freely flowing from that tired face who is used to wearing a smile throughout the day. There, I’ll hear that cracking voice, urging myself not to cry - It reasons out that everything will be alright. Which I did not know if I said it with faith, or I just have to say it to prevent myself from further breaking down. Because I know, there, in that vast space, is me sitting alone, begging myself to keep on being strong.
Then, I’ll just choose to close my eyes. Hoping that that would help stop the tears from falling. However, when I did, images would flash on the back of my head – those pictures that I keep on my wallet. Those same pictures that I stare upon on some nights I couldn’t sleep. Those same images that keep me on going with just those smiles they have captured in pixels. Sometimes, they became my blade, cutting my sorrow and breaking those chains that have been built upon my wrists by this industry.
But there are also times that those images would not be the one who would visit me, but rather, it is my promises with them, making that lump in my throat to come and visit me again. Like a long lost friend who just came back, it would stay there until I could no longer stop the tears from flowing. It feels so difficult that I would look up at the used to be white ceiling, asking for help to someone or anybody out there who could hear my heart silently breaking into pieces.
They said big girls don’t cry.
They do. Sometimes, they do.
Believe me, there are times that you would just find yourself choking on your tears and telling yourself to be strong, because that’s the only option you had. And that is probably the time you have become one of those big girls.
Ah! But those times has not come to visit me for months already. I cannot say for years, since I know they do. I know it is, because sometimes, I found myself letting the kids go first to dreamland and I’ll sneak out, turning the knob slowly in an effort to not wake someone up. There, I’ll go sit on that familiar spot on the soft sofa, in the middle of the living room, thinking about the challenges the group is facing.
Again, tonight, the room is dark. The only light that is illuminating the room is that little pin-light on the corner of the ceiling, which the younger Eunbi installed last last month. What color you say? I do not know much about those palettes as much as her, but I do know that it is close to the color I dyed my hair for this comeback. It might be better if you won't ask me about her reason for doing that because I, myself, do not know.
So again, the room is being embraced by that dim light. But this time are those times that I feel the opposite. There is not a hint of being lonely at all. I found the silence enveloping the room as a comfortable one. I don’t know if it’s also because of that small light installed by HwangBi, but I’m sure that one of the reasons is this cute girl beside me, which I surely adore.
And maybe, more so because, the colors who wandered away before, have finally come back to our home.
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“Oh, you two are back.” The tall red-haired girl commented loudly after hearing the sound of their dorm door close. She put down the laptop she was about to turn on and gently tapped the legs of the short haired girl sitting behind her. She absolutely knows who just entered, but still, probably out of habit, or she is just eager to see them, she stood up and welcome them.
Without seeing the people who just entered, she heard the remarkable voice from one of them, coming from the entrance of their dorm. She shakes her head slowly as a smile grows on her face. She could really pinpoint who is who by just their voices.
“Yoooooooo!!!!”
There goes the hyper loud voice shamelessly breaking open the boxes of hints that says, ‘it’s Hwang Eunbi who has just arrived and she is in a good mood’ and Sowon should prepare her head… it might ache a few seconds from now.
The tall girl, while taking her time on walking towards their door, widened her smile and shook her head, for the second time, in amusement. She is so used to this that she would probably miss this and be home sick if she wasn’t able to witness this even just for two days. She is not and wouldn’t complain anyways.
This is her family. This is a part of them and every little aspect is something she treasures. She knows it is the same thing for the other members.
Their members are their home.
This might sound clingy but she firmly believes that anywhere could be her home, if she is with them.
“Yes unnie. We are back. WE are BACK. TOGETHER.” The older one with the blonde colored hair answered, heading towards their kitchen to place the paper bags on the counter.
“It must be. Jung Yerin is back with her smooth lines and that means her love life is alive again.” The taller girl responded back following the two members who just arrived.
“It is all thanks to this amazing dancer, Hwang Eunbi, Sowon-unnie.” SinB told her, helping Yerin to organize the things they bought by taking the items out of the paper bags.
Sowon let SinB see her obvious scoff before she laughed and agreed. “Yes, yes. Fine. I think I should just agree tonight.”
“And how are you and the bunny doing?” SinB asked, not bothering to momentarily divert her eyes away from what she is doing. “I don’t know if we took up too much time on the mart… but you guys can tell us to go out again... that is, if you’re planning to do something in the living room.” She added with a teasing tone, adding a smirk at the end.
“Ya! Jung Yerin! Are you sure SinB didn’t eat anything weird? This kid is getting wiser and wiser on some of these ‘fields’ she shouldn’t talk about.” Sowon retaliated.
“I’m just naturally wise unnie. And just in case you forgot, partly because of your age catching up with you...” SinB responded. “I’m an adult already.” She added, putting her hands on her heart while nodding whole-heartedly.
And before Sowon fired back, SinB shifted the topic. “Anyway, what are you two doing? Why did you turned the living room lights dim? Is it you and Eunha-unnie the only ones left awake now?” She added, wriggling her eyebrows.
“I should get a holy bible to save the remaining innocence in your soul, Eunbi.”
“Did You. Just. Talk. About. Eunha-unnie? Wow, I love this concept – exposing your lover in a very clever way.” SinB said, ending it with a slow clap, and Sowon could only close her eyes in return, probably pacifying the words threatening to go out of to counterattack with the same amount of force and level.
“Is there a celebration?” An angel in short hair appeared from the dim lights in the living room, effectively calming Sowon down.
“I guess Yennie would cook for us babe. Let’s leave the two here so they could continue their session.” Sowon said, interlacing her fingers with Eunha’s before pulling her gently.
“I guess it is your session, not us unnie!” That’s SinB shouting from the kitchen.
Sojung
To say that I’m happy seeing the two back at ‘it’ again is an understatement.
Maybe you’re thinking that I’m overreacting but what I’m feeling right now is something indescribable. I feel like a mom being so proud of her kids on achieving something so great. I don’t know if it is something to be emotional for but I can assure you that it is something good. If you won’t accept ‘good’ – then I’ll say it is better. Yes, better is definitely the right word.
What I’m feeling right now is evident on this wide smile that I know would not leave my face any time soon. I felt like everything has fallen back to its rightful place – to the place that it should be occupying.
I looked at my side and I saw this angel beside me. In this dim lit room, she is wearing a smile – something between a proud and satisfied one. It’s not showing my favorite bunny teeth but I love those kinds of smile. It is so peaceful that even the dim light embracing this room doesn’t match with the light emanating from her.
Maybe I’m too focus on admiring her that I got surprise when she turned her head and stared at me.
She just caught me looking at her. But well, this isn’t the first time anyway.
Then she widened her smile and turned her sight towards the kitchen.
Ah! I guess we’re thinking about the same thing.
When that night happened, that exact midnight where SinB and Yerin suddenly built a wall between them, our home felt like there is something missing. The lively beagle sisters are physically present but they are missing. They are avoiding each other as if something would explode if they get too close or even get to be in one room for minutes.
Weird.
I know.
I just found it weird too if they are not together.
Those two beagle sisters can’t stand it even when they would be just hours away from each other. Just imagine how heartbroken I felt when I witness how they build up this invisible glass between them and how frustrated I am when I don’t even have a clue of whatever reason why this is happening. It is like they can see each other but there is this damn thin sound-proof glass between them, making them unable to talk nor interact except those glances they steal from each other. And there I am, with the other members, trying to make a hole on that glass without knowing how.
That is until Hayoung told me what happened through Namjoo’s phone and there comes Joy, crying over the phone, spilling the information I needed to understand everything. Perhaps due to the surge of emotion, she unconsciously told me about her feelings for Yerin. If her rival is not my child, Hwang Eunbi, then I would be rooting for her. She is also someone who should be appreciated and loved. And I know she would take care of Yerin – that kind of care she deserves.
I admit it, yes, I don’t approve with her asking that damn question when she knows Yerin would deny her feelings with SinB to avoid issues in this messed up industry and at the same time she knows SinB is just a meter or so and she would definitely hear it. My blood could really boil right now but I should be a mature person and handle this matter in a professional way. Furthermore, I understand her.
You do some crazy things for love anyway.
There is also a part of me that is amazed with her. She practically let her go. Though she doesn’t say it but I know that is it. Believe me, it is hard to let go. They said, ‘knowing something is different than experiencing it’. I haven’t tried letting someone go, but I know it may be hard on a different level.
I did not plan to ask Yerin about it until she, herself, speaks to me about it. But knowing her, I know she would not let anyone know about it as long as she still can. She doesn’t want anyone to be bothered by it. But that is until I heard Yerin, at about two or three in the morning, trying to muffle her sobs through the water splashing on the cold tiles from a faucet intentionally left open.
That is the same time I have put the puzzle pieces together and known what happened about ‘that midnight’. And that time I could not stop myself to look up at the sky and questioned it.
“In real life, just like in a fairytale, does magic ends at midnight too?”
I have never seen SinB be bothered about it though. But deep inside, I know – we know, there is this thing eating her up inside. She acted like nothing is happening. Smiling there, joking here. Dancing with the same amount of fire she had always been having. But again, there is a spark lost in it. She is missing something.
It might be odd that it is I saying this… but Indeed, you can determine the speed of light and even how fast something would fall theoretically, but you cannot calculate the pain of the people behind their smile.
A thought crossed my mind that SinB has a potential to be an eccedentesiast (someone who hides pain through smiles) because of her personality of not wanting to be a weight for others. But I didn’t know this would be in this kind of pain.
True enough. One night, Yewon sneak out in our room, her shirt is drenched which made me panic and bombard her with questions intended to help and soothe her with whatever pain she is feeling. But she told me that she is alright. The maknae is alright… but the other maknae isn’t. That wet shirt of hers is actually drenched from SinB’s tears.
Probably, after some nights, she cannot hold it in. Umji told me that every night she would see SinB alone in the balcony, crouching under the moonlight. She would then accompany her ‘98 liner friend as they talk from nothings to somethings and then they go deeper. Until SinB cannot hold it in and cries.
She is messed up, mentally and emotionally, metaphorically and probably literally. But here she is, walking out from her room with a smile on her face. Even Yerin, that kid does it too, though she would easily lose her smile once she took a glance of SinB. Really, behind people’s smile there is a story we might never understand. Isn’t it painful when you’re smiling just to keep the tears from falling down?
Indeed, there has been a lot of change.
Our home then has lost some colors it possessed before.
Every member has gotten cautious about their actions. Words coming from our mouth are kind of ‘guarded’ when we’re with the two. It must have been a silent agreement among all of us. There is no one who told us to, or someone who has spit a word about it, but we know hearing something that kills you inside and having to act like you don’t care is a hell someone wouldn’t want to be in. So, like a common but unspoken rule, we have to be careful because there is a bomb set up somewhere and with one wrong move it might explode, and wreck this whole family we got.
It would not wreck just this home. I’m sure of it. It would go with it explosion with our hearts breaking with it and tears flowing down our cheeks.
Behind those smiles is a hurting heart. Behind those laugh and jokes they throw, are pieces of them falling apart. And again, behind those grins and ‘I’m okay’, are tears at sleepless nights.
I could not bear seeing them like that. Who would be able to?
I have thought of making some plans on how to make things okay at least, if not better... I have talked about this with the members, except Yerin and SinB, and we all came to the conclusion that this shouldn’t be happening, and without trying to be nosy, we should act to help patch things up.
I swear, those two kids deserve it. I have seen their struggles. Those push and pull they have played. Those running and walking in circles – which I’m glad they didn’t get tired of. I’m glad they didn’t let go.
No one might have known that once, on a dark cloudless night, I have once wished about this on a falling star. I wished that somehow, amidst all odds, they would realize things that has been there in the start, and then and there, they would meet and stop this parallel paths they have been stubbornly building and yet breaking.
A Childish Wish? I don’t care.
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