118. 115. 113. 110. The pounds were dropping, but it wasn't enough.

"It's been 8 months, yet you've only managed to lose 10 pounds. Do you see that girl over there?" Reality pointed at a rookie. I vaguely remembered her as the one that I'd woken up the first night of my arrival.

"She started at 118 pounds, but now she's 91. 27 pounds lighter since when she first started training as a rookie. How does that make you feel?" he jeered, pushing me on the head.

"I-I'm trying the best I can," I mumbled, admiring the girl's thin figure.

"Clearly you're not trying hard enough. You have to be thin to debut, Kiara,"

*                                *                                   *

"How are you doing Kiara?"

Nobody's asked me that in a long time. I turned to find Taeyong approaching, a light smile lighting up his face. He hadn't talked to me, or even acknowledged my presence since that day with Gyeong. So why was he starting again now?

I ignored him, moving up the diminishing line. Weight day always had everyone in an anxious state. Once again, everyone was waiting for my three digits to be called out.

"Hey, is everything okay?" Taeyong asked, deliberately moving in front of me. His thin face was watching me in concern, and at that moment, I hated him so much. Boys always had it easier when it came to metabolism.

"How much do you weigh?" I asked without thinking.

"Next!" the lady called, gesturing at my shoes. Taeyong didn't have time to answer.

"110 pounds. 0 pounds lost," the lady announced.

Gyeong didn't say anything to me about my weight. "You'll get there Kiara, don't think too much about it," she said while we were headed to lunch. Gyeong suspected I was angry and disgusted, so she tried her best to give me some space.

I did everything the dietitian told me to do. But why couldn't I lose weight fast enough like everyone else? It was frustration, not anger, that coursed through my veins. Reality poked at me: my waist, my thighs, my arms, all my fat. 

"Those diet plans never work anyways. You need to take matters into your own hands," Reality whispered.

After eating the lunch provided by SM, I told Gyeong to wait while I headed to the bathroom. Inside the stall, I reached into my throat, working the gag reflex until everything I'd consumed worked its way back up. Bile rose up and out. I forced every ounce of it out of my body and watched in satisfaction as it formed a pile in the toilet. When all of it was gone, I walked out like nothing had happened.

*                                       *                                       *

"Mr. SM has planned a duet stage for you," Gyeong said after dance practice. 

"With who?"

"You'll find out tomorrow. It'll be in preparation for a pre-debut stage in Japan. You two will perform in Tokyo," she said. I nodded, disinterested in any details about the collaboration.

Reality absentmindedly pinched the side of my waist. Or maybe I was the one groping at it. Did it make a difference? 110 pounds. 110 pounds.

"Did you go on the scale today?" he asked. I nodded.

"What did it say?"

"110 pounds," I murmured.

"Kiara?"

I looked up. Gyeong was watching me in bewilderment. She walked over to me and moved my hand away from my waist.

"Don't worry about it so much. The diet plan will definitely work, it always has for everyone," she said assuringly. My hands were no longer physically touching the fat, but Reality constantly jabbed at it.