"Honey, you really need to take better care of your skin! Omo, it's so dry these days...make sure you're drinking plenty of water. Also, are you using the creams I've recommended?" Eunji, my new makeup unni, reprimanded me. She busied herself by loading a moisturizing skin tint over my dry patches, careful to conceal the flaking skin.

"Yes unni, I followed your instructions," I stiffled a laugh, or rather a scoff. My diet has only been consisted of water and whatever was left of my retching. I didn't think it was possible to chug down more than I already did.

"Ahhh seriously, I don't know what's up with your skin. Perhaps we should go to a dermatologist? Your skin was flawless when you first came to me...what could've gone wrong?" Eunji pondered to herself, occasionally listing off solutions to my little dilemma.

The photographs for my overdue album cover shoot turned out exactly as I'd hoped, if not better. Thanks to Eunji's cosmetic talents, an incredible camera man, and a little dose of photoshop (okay, maybe a lot), I'd achieved the perfect version of myself every girl dreamed of. The pudginess of my cheeks disappeared in the final results, revealing sharp and chiseled cheekbones. Eunji emphasized the roundness of my eyes with black powder applied conservatively near my lashline, almost nonexistent when you looked from a distance. I appeared taller and thinner in photo that was to be used for my album cover: indistinguishable from my amateur self.

"Ahh jinja Kiara! No one would be able to tell that you're a rookie from these photos. SM really knows how to pick the next hottest idols," Gyeong gushed when the photobook was sent to us. 

"Thank you, Gyeong-nim. They did a very nice job making me look nice for the album," I said absentmindedly, picking at a dry patch on my elbow. The flakiness Eunji noticed on my face didn't stop there; the skin all over my body seemed shriveled and translucent, not unlike Anxiety's. It had become noticable to a point where random sunbaenims would stop me just to ask if I was alright.

Catching on, Gyeong grabbed my wrist, "I think we should do something about your little dilemma,"

*                                 *                                *

"What'd they say?" Nahyun pestered me, leaning in too close for my liking. We were heading towards the practice rooms for another practice session. Practice was a kind of stress relief, as Nahyun was scheduled for an evaluation. SM enjoyed monitoring each individual's progress, whether they liked it or not. With so many idols under their belt, they needed some organizational structure to keep everyone in check.

"Nothing much, the dermatologist didn't have a lot to say. She just reminded me to drink water and eat well," I mumbled.

"And have you been doing that?"

"Of course. You see how much water I drink a day, especially during dance practices,"

Nahyun stopped in her track, looking up at me with those innocent eyes full of concern. Why is everyone giving me that look these days? First it was Taeyong, then Gyeong, those sunbaenims, and now her...what's their deal?

"Unni, look at yourself," she whispered almost unaudibly. I glanced down, admiring my slender legs, pale and toned. The combination of hard work and an intense diet did wonders for the body.

"What do you mean? Nahyun, what's wrong?" her delicate brows creased, casting a look of bewilderment upon her face. Her eyes quickly ran down my figure, looking horrified. As though facing a monster of her nightmares, Nahyun's arm trembled ever so slightly. Swallowing hard, she barely maintained eye contact when she finally spoke. 

"When I first met you a couple weeks ago...you weren't like this. I saw a beautiful girl whom I admired for her confidence and talents. She was tall, slender, and had the dream body I knew I could never achieve on my own. I now wonder what happened to that girl," Nahyun said slowly. She spoke in short fragments, warry of every word that escaped her lips: afraid that a slip up could mean the end. Of what, I'm not sure.

"Nahyun, what are you saying? Please tell me directly. The way you're talking is making me confused, more so than I already am. Is something wrong? It's okay for you to say it out loud," I said, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Unni, please...I don't want to be the one to break it to you, but it seems no one else will. I really respect you, and the last thing I want is to hurt you. Please bear that in mind," she said, finally looking me in the eye. I nodded, bracing myself.

"You're sick, unni. Something is so, very wrong with you, and you can't see it," Nahyun held up my wrist, forcing me to stare at it, "unni, you're all skin and bones! When I saw you in the cafeteria, I thought a ghost was getting in line for lunch. I couldn't even recognize you. I've been so blinded by my unrealistic expectations for you, that I didn't even notice the reality of it all. What was once a toned body had whithered to a walking corpse, so thin and frail that I'm worried the wind might knock you over. Unni, you're so cold,"

Nahyun held my hand against the smooth skin of her neck, so warm and alive. As I indulged in its heat, I realized she was right. Her neck was feverishly hot next to my hand.

"Nahyun ah, are you alright? Your skin is so warm, I think you might have a fever-"

"Kiara!" the kind, angelic little girl who had become a dongsaeng figure in my life, suddenly bursted out. She yanked my hand away from her neck, taking a few steps back to distance us.

"You have an eating disorder! You've developed symptoms of anorexia. The dry skin, the low body temperature, the physical state of your body...when was the last time you've menstruated? What about fatigued? Dehydrated? Admit it, you've been drinking far more water than you normally do, even during practice,"

"Well I've been practicing more as well...I don't see what you're making a big deal out of. As rookies, its expected for all of us to experience these so-called 'symptoms'. I'm sure you've felt overworked and tired yourself," I reasoned. Nahyun shook her head roughly, but continued in a softer tone.

"It's not the same, unni. You also have symptoms of severe anxiety, possibly also signs of depression. You barely talk to anyone. I didn't want to tell you this before, but often times, I see you talking to air. There's no one else in the room, but you're speaking as if another person was listening besides you. But I guess you really can't see it. To you, it must seem normal. I just want to say, this is not what people would like to see. Congratulations, you've far surpassed everyone's expectations," Nahyun turned her back towards me, closing herself off.

"Wait! What do you mean, 'this is not what people would like to see'? I'm tired trying to put up with your nonsense. Ever since I've come here, I've done nothing but work towards those societal standards required for my debut. Frankly, you should be doing the same, not criticising me for my achievements. I never imagined you to be the jealous type, Nahyun," she turned halfway, giving me a sidelong glance. All the concern and fear had melted off her face, and something else replaced it. Pity.

"Not this way, unni. No one wants to idolize a half-starved girl who has become delusional from the stress, no matter how talented she may be. I'm telling you, begging you, to please wake up and see what your body truly is: ruined,"