The light flashed red. Danger. Stop. But I was too sidetracked to notice, too eager to return to Johnny's side. His face contorted in horror as I ran to him, completely unaware of the oncoming traffic. They say one's world slows down in the split second preceding her death. Everything seemed to play in slow motion as I saw the truck turn torwards me, far too late to jump the breaks. Johnny's mouth was yelling for me to get out of the way, but I froze. Fear and shock rooted me in place; I'm unable to escape my fate. I braced myself.

But the impact never came. Someone hurled himself towards me so that the impact of his force would push both of us out of the truck's path. My head pounded in sync with my heartbeats; a dull state of numbness blocked out all of my senses. When my vision finally cleared, I peered up at Taeyong's face stricken with panic. He was hunched over my body, repeatedly calling my name.

"Kiara! Please tell me you can hear me! I-I'm so sorry, please, please, just say you can hear me. Does anything hurt? Kiara, Kiara!" Taeyong cupped my face in his hands, looking over my face over and over.

"I-I'm okay," I managed, struggling to sit up. Taeyong wrapped an arm around me to help me stand, but I was barely aware. I scanned the crowd that had gathered, only wishing to see one face. But he wasn't there. Had I imagined it all? 

"W-where is he? Why can't I find him Taeyong? He was just here a minute ago, I swear, he was definitely here. I just-" 

"Kiara, who?" Taeyong asked, confused.

"J-johnny! He was right there across the street-"

"Kiara,"

I look up to meet Taeyong's eyes. Genuine confusion, even concern reflects back at me.

"Kiara, who is Johnny?" 

Now it's my turn to look confused. "What the hell Taeyong, that's not even funny! If you're not going to help me find him, get out of the way,"

Taeyong grabbed my arm with such force I feared his hand would leave a bruise. "We need to go to a hospital Kiara. I think you need to be checked by a doctor."

"Let ing go! You've done nothing but ruin my life since I came to SM. Why act like you care now? Go back to your girlfriend who's always whining for you! ing get out of my life!" I screamed, voice hoarse in desperation.

Taeyong yanked me along, forcing me to follow. "You must've loosened a few screws from hitting the ground so hard. Mental instability needs to be treated as soon as possible if you want to remember who you really are,"

Who I really am. Who am I? He was wrong. The collision didn't make me forget, this damn industry did. That sweet, innocent little girl has long been left behind. Everything beautiful about her withered into an empty casket of her former self. She may look beautiful and mature, but nothing about her felt beautiful.

"Let go! I need to find him so he can truly remind me of who I was! He's always certain, always knows the answers. I need to find him-"

"HE'S NOT ING REAL KIARA!" 

Those five words depleted my entire world of air, the substance vital for one to go on. All my senses, every fiber of me screamed in denial. He's lying. Of course, he's playing mind games and trying to throw me into an endless pitt where all I can do is forever be harassed by my worst fears, my monsters. Yet deep down, an ounce of truth pipped up. It said this:

Aren't you tired of all this? Lies hurt. They hurt more and more as you keep clinging on to them, collecting more as you go. One always leads to another, trapping you in a never ending cycle. It's time you break it. Nothing is forever, Kiara. The truth stings and burns at first; it even seems as though those wounds would hurt for this eternity and the next. But the truth heals in ways lies never can. Let yourself start healing. Please wake up.

Wet, thick tears streamed down my cheeks. That heart-wrenching, unbelievable realization knocked the wind out of my lungs. The inevitable truth found its way to me.

"Johnny only exists in your imagination. You always talked about him like a real person and no one...no one had the heart to tell you the truth. You were shrouded in a bliss so untouchable when you were 'with' Johnny. At NCT's debut party, you wandered off on your own and started mouthing words to the wall, like you were having an imaginery conversation. No one thought much of it at first; we just thought you had one too many drinks. But then it happened again. And again. At the hospital on the day after your debut stage, Gyeong told us she was concerned about your mental health. You asked her to give you and Johnny some private time to talk. In reality, you were staring at an empty chair next to the hospital bed." Taeyong said slowly, waiting on my reaction.

"No, he's a real person. He is, he just...doesn't belong to this world anymore." I whispered.

I remembered now. Johnny and I first met through Julie. This much was true. Julie, Johnny, and Wonho were the best of friends who constantly spent as much time as they could in each other's company. Sometimes I'd tag along, but Julie was very irritable on the off occasion that I did. She did, after all, devote so much of her time and life to my own. She just wanted something to call her own. Time. Just a little to her and her friends. I had no right to demand so much from her, without ever compensating for all that was hers.

They say you acquire characteristics from people you constantly surround yourself with. Johnny, Wonho, and Julie all seemed to share three wonderful qualities: care, kindness, and selflessness. The three of them were always willing to give to the less fortunate, even if they weren't always deserving of kindness. That was especially evident in Julie's treatment to me; she seemed to be bound by an family obligation to treat me as her own sister. Of course, no one ever forced her. It was inherently ingrained in Julie's nature.

It was not uncommon for people to see the trio volunteering around the community caring for senior citizens, picking up trash, and promoting different charity programs. They always gave up for others, but it didn't seem to make a difference in the end. If karma existed, Julie, Johnny, and Wonho wouldn't have ended so tragically.

It was no secret that my aunt and uncle, Julie's parents, were always at odds with each other. Every other day seemed to be fight day. Their bickering would begin at ungodly hours and last till the daylight, forcing Julie awake. On those nights, she sought refuge at our house, embarassed to stay over. Julie was even quieter than usual, but she never cried. In fact, she never shared what thoughts ran through her head, never said anything about her parents. She was so strong and independent that she refused to bother others with her own problems, knowing everyone else had their own. But that one night changed everything. Aunt and uncle fought with so much hate, so much vengence on that night, yet Julie didn't escape to my house. Caught in hurricane, she intervened. I could never figure out why, but the morning after revealed disastrous consequences that forever marred her sweet and innocent image. Aunt was murdered. A kitchen knife dug into her left ; blood encircled the rotting flesh where metal met skin. Only two people were in the house that night: uncle and Julie. But when the trial results came out the following week, uncle was set free. No one could believe it of course. Even if the sky fell and Earth crumbled, sweet Julie would've never been the culprit. No matter what anyone pleaded, the court was settled. Julie was sent to a juvenile detention center where we never heard from her again. That was her end.

Johnny and Wonho's story was just as heart-wrenching and equally undeserving. The Johnny guilding me through these past months was correct: "One of them died. He donated his heart to his best friend who had gotten into a car accident." Wonho had been a child prodigy when it came to the musical arts; he was experienced beyond his years which earned him recognition beyond the borders of South Korea. His talents always had people wondering what would be next for him; eyes monitored his every move, suffocating. But his brief taste of fame was bittersweet. There were those who encouraged Wonho and lifted his spirit, but there were also those who were eager to see his downfall. Bitter jealousy clouded the minds of his competitors who only knew competition. Even in the earliest memories of my childhood, there were only winners and loosers. Kang Chongsik took matters into his own hands. An audition that would make or break his future was coming up, and Wonho was in his way. My memories were correct: there was a car accident. Chongsik had purposefully created one when he asked Wonho to meet him to practice before the audition. Through perfect timing, Chongsik ran Wonho over while the latter was crossing the street.

I remembered waiting outside Wonho's hospital room along with Johnny. Julie too would've faithfully been alongside us, but she was long gone by then. The doctor was full of sympathy for us when he came out, shaking his head it was too late. But Johnny refused to acknowledge the truth. He begged and begged, getting down on his knees for the doctor to say that there was even an ounce of hope left. Even after the rest of us went home to prepare for Wonho's funeral, Johnny remained. He waited all night outside Wonho's room, refusing to give up. This was the dedication I had owed Julie, but neglected to give.

In the end, Johnny's efforts weren't in vain. The doctor emerged from his office at ungodly hours to give Johnny some hope. Surgery could be done. If successful, Wonho would once again see the light of day. Of course, such a chance only comes at a great cost. The surgery, which had only a 2% success rate, had to be carried out in the next twelve hours. A healthy, beating heart would have to be donated, but the hospital had no spares to lend Wonho. In a heartbeat, Johnny said yes. Without a single bit of doubt, Johnny selflessly agreed to give up his life for Wonho. He donated his heart. I had managed to forget who had really given everything up for his dear friend.

Dear Johnny,

We won't every forget you. It hurt so much to remember, but...always know that we love you. Me, Julie, and especially Wonho will forever be thankful for what you did. We promise you it wasn't in vain, and it won't be. I'm sure that wherever Julie and Wonho are right now, they still love and think of your kind hearted nature. Even now, I know that you are still watching over me in my hard times, my sad times, and my happy times. You were there to chase away Anxiety, my biggest fear. Even postmortem you fight for us with all you strength. Some day, I will make it up to you. Although it's extremely selfish of me, I ask you to stay by my side. Be there for me when I can't even do that for myself. Believe in me when I can't believe in myself. Make me beautiful inside and out.

I love you, Johnny.