It was a perfect day. I found myself back here, once again enjoying everything God's green earth had to offer. The marigolds sang clearer than ever, much of the music intertwined with the melody of the birds. A gentle breeze tickled the small of my back, running through the fabric of my dress. I closed my eyes. On days like today, I could feel Johnny's presence stronger than ever, warming me with his reassuring smile. The hardships of that day, the pain of the past, everything...it all melted away when I could feel his arms wrap around me in an embrace. I reminisced the days we used to spend together, how they were always ephemeral in my memories. But however brief they were, they always remained a valuable treasure from the past. On days where I felt empty, those memories made me full again. Just Johnny always had.

One day we will see each other again. How or when it'll happen, I don't know. But I'm sure that when I see him again, we will never be apart. We'll spend the rest of eternity sharing stories we cherished, loving and being loved, and our time together will never be boring. I can't wait until I see him again. Thinking about that time evoked a dull throb. Salty tears pooled in my vision, but I know that he wouldn't want to see me cry. He doesn't want to see me cry. So I hastily wipe the tears away, flashing a bittersweat smile for Johnny to see. Even from above, he's watching over me.

"Are you...crying?"

I turned to see Taeyong. With his hands casually in his pockets, hair blowing wildly in the wind, he seemed nearly identical to that sweet boy I remembered from this marigold field. But he was different. Before, I wasn't able to recognize the malice in his eyes, the intent to replace me in my success. There had been a tenseness in his manner that greatly contradicted his warm-hearted nature. The way he acted now...made all those contradictions all the more apparent. Where there was envy empathy replaced. Where there was hatred kindness destroyed. There's a genuinety that a mask could never mimic. I felt at ease when he sat down beside me.

"Do you miss him?" Taeyong asked, letting the sun warm his cheeks.

I nodded, afraid my voice would break if I used it.

"He's up there, guilding every move you make. Just as you won't ever forget him, he won't ever forget you," he murmured, barely audible. Another tear slipped out, staining my cheek.

"You know...Johnny wanted to become a singer too," I laughed, attempting a smile, "and now I'm living his life for him."

"I'm sure he's proud of you,"

"Johnny, Wonho, and Julie...they were all musically talented. That's actually how they first got acquainted. More than anything else, they were all moved by music in a depth that kids their age didn't easily understand. Wonho excelled in his talents...and it only hurt him in the end. Maybe it's for the better. Maybe his songs simply weren't meant for humans," I quickly brushed at two more drops that fell. Taeyong reached over to wipe the tears before I could, sympathy softening his eyes.

"I don't think I can, or ever will understand what they all meant to you. Especially Julie. If I ever get the chance to meet her, I'll tell her about all the amazing things you accomplished with her help. That she inspired the person you are today. That she, Wonho, and Johnny helped you grasp your dreams in your own two hands. I'll be sure to let them know," he whispered. I nodded rapidly, helpless as this time the tears wouldn't stop. Somehow I ended up in Taeyong's arms, my face burried in the crook of his neck. It just felt so warming to know that someone was there to hold me, even if that someone is unexpected.

*                                              *                                                       *

I couldn't blame Taeyong anymore than I could blame myself after all. We were just two children wandering around this adults world, lost and confused. Some bad decisions were made, people hurt, but in the end we will find our paths. Someday each and every one of us will find our ways out of this labyrinth. No matter what hostility, envy, disgust, and even hatred we harbored for one another, these are all things that will come to pass. After we tear down the walls put up to protect our own pride, each person is very similar. Nearly identical in our desires and dreams. There didn't always have to be a winner and a loser. Instead, we could pick each other up when someone fell down. We could fill each other with hope when all else seems lost.

What Julie has done for me, I will try to do for others. After all, everyone at SM is suffering through this. It's our choice whether we want to die alone or push through it all together. Even Taeyong, who had betrayed and ripped open my old scars. Even Nayeon, who had humiliated me using my own good conscience. I would need all of their help, and they would need mine. 

This difficult journey that began on September 16th is all but over. Our pain and suffering would persist for years down the road, but so would new memories full of laughter and content. I will find myself stepping out of my own comfort zone to make new friendships, and repair old ones. I won't allow myself to suffer anymore.