"You look nervous," Johnny commented while watching me get my makeup done, "don't be. You'll do amazing,"

"I don't know. I'm still lacking in so many ways-"

"Of course you are. The way I see it, you shouldn't even be here. Youngmin wasn't in his right mind when he decided to have you debut," Anxiety emerged from the dark corners of my mind, whispering my greatest fears.

"Kiara," Johnny held my hand, forcing me to pay attention to him, "you can hear him talking to you, can't you?"

Slowly, I nodded. He could tell right away when I broke off mid sentence, that my insecurities only strengthened as we got closer to the live performance.

"No matter what, you can't listen to them. If I could reach into your mind and shut them up myself, I would. But that's not how reality works. I can try to distract you, make you pay attention to something else but ultimately you have to make the decision to shut your ears from whatever poisonous thoughts they tell you," Johnny smiled encouragingly.

"But how? I'm so used to hearing Anxiety in my head. Sometimes he'll leave my mind and materialize in front of me, forcing me to listen. After doing this for so long...how do I make him leave?" It was a call for help. I was asking for the support and advice people have neglected to give me ever since Anxiety entered my life. "If you can tell me the answer, consider that you have my trust. It's the only way you can win me over,"

My heart sunk when Johnny shook his head. "I can't tell you definitively how to save yourself. But for me, my depression finally left when I opened myself up to others. Once I started surrounding myself with people I could love and share anything with, all the haunting thoughts left on their own account. It was as if they decided, 'well, no matter what I try to tell this kid, he won't listen'. Distracting myself with people that made me happy meant that there wasn't any room in my life for depression to occupy,"

But Johnny had on a bittersweet expression as he remembered old memories, prompting curiosity. "If I may ask...where are those people now?" I asked gently, not wanting to open up closed wounds.

"One of them died. He donated his heart to his best friend who had gotten into a car accident. The other one...she disappeared. One night her parents fought and her mother ended up dead. After that, I never saw her again," he said, his voive giving out at the end.

"She...disappeared? Can I ask, w-what her name is?" I gasped. Johnny gave me a strange look.

"Julie. Julie Yoo," 

Just like that, the world began closing around me. Old memories of the sweet, innocent Julie flashed before my eyes. Her wide almond eyes. Her thick science textbooks. A memory of her telling me how she made a new friend. How he was quiet and shy, but as sweet as her favorite chocolate cake. How she and Wonho hung out with him at school everyday and made life more fun together. Just as Julie had made my childhood a dazzling dream, she saved Johnny's life.

"Kiara? Are you okay?" Johnny's voice was a muffled sound in the distance. 

I was the one who made Johnny all alone. I took Julie away from Johnny, who had been leading a happy existence before I entered into his life. Before I caused this mess-

"Kiara!" Johnny was shaking me by the shoulders, pulling me out of my thoughts. "What's going on?!"

I tried to tell him, tried desperately to take the weight off my shoulders. But my mouth dried up and empty air filled the space that was meant for words. Thick, pitiful tears streamed down my cheeks as I tried in vain to tell Johnny that everything is my fault.

"Kiara ssi," Gyeong called from outside, "you're next dear! Hurry up! They called you ten minutes ago,"

Later. I'll tell Johnny when the performance is over. I'll clear everything up with him, even if it means the one person who wants to be my friend will leave me behind. All alone with Anxiety back to haunt me whenever he pleased.

I forced myself up on trembling knees, pulling away from Johnny's grasp. From a glance in the mirror, my eyes were very evidently blood shot red from fresh tears. Black eyeliner and mascara trailed down my cheeks. With my thin frame, smeared makeup, and broke expression, I finally realized that my smile had died long ago. Perhaps when Julie disappeared from Johnny's and my life.

Gyeong's eyes widened when she saw me. "Omo! What on Earth happened to you? I'll call over the makeup artist, wait right here,"

"Kiara ssi! You're up in three minutes!" the coordinator called. He gestured for me to take my position on deck to wait for my turn.

"Kiara, I can't find her. She must be busy somewhere, but....can you go on stage looking like that? Maybe you can start a new trend. Your concept is about heart break after all," Hyeong let out a breath she was holding in, gripping her hair by the roots.

"Manager Gyeong," I said, surprised by how calm my voice sounded, "it'll be fine. If anything, it'll make my performance all the more convincing,"

I don't know who else saw through the act, Johnny easily did. He didn't, however, make any mention of my sudden mood change.

Gyeong nodded, giving the coordinator the thumbs up. The previous performance finished, and I took my position on stage.

All my backup dancers gave me encouraging smiles and comments. No one made note of the new "look" I was going for.

My debut stage. Here we go.

*                                    *                                     *

Everything went well. Although on the inside I wanted to die in a hole after finding out what I did to Johnny, I made sure to keep those emotions in check. Just as I practiced the choregraphy flawlessly for tonight, the same had to be done for my facial expressions. Everything expressed had to match the mood of heart break and distrust. That I'll never love another man again. The distrust part wasn't so difficult, as all I had to do was think of Taeyong and Nahyun.

I worked too hard to let this stage be anything but perfect. All the weight I lost, hours I spent practicing, battles I fought against Anxiety weren't going to waste. Just like I've always been, I would fight my way to my goal. And win.

Author's note: Happy 2017 everyone!! As a gift, two updates in one dayXD