The door opens. 

Kim Youngmin slowly inclines his head forward to the new guest, nodding in the most subtle of ways. He's still as calm and level-headed as perfectly as he had been when I arrived to his office, although I couldn't say the same for myself. Inside me, a wild persona took over. It was a side to me that I never realized I had, until Youngmin dug it out of me. Such a ferocious creature could only be created from the confusion of seeing someone else's corrupted soul. He lived his life in a dark, empty shell that only knew the means by which he attained his personal aspirations. There wasn't room for, what must be in his mind, trivial things like understanding and compassion. Trying to make sense of the mechanics behind his mind only led to a barbarian outrage. One couldn't even begin to understand his mind without first filthying their own, but even that degree was unbearably disgusting. I must've threw a tantrum of sorts in Youngmin's office, but the last half hour came to me in a blur. All the truths that bombarded my own reality took their effect, as the cap I put on my emotions finally flew off. 

I didn't know what I looked like right now; neither did I have the desire to learn. Whoever walked in must be regarding me as an uncivillized creature, but I turn around anyways.

Taeyong stood shocked at the door. His mouth hung slightly ajar, but meeting his eyes reminded him to close it.

Taking a step back, he said, "Sorry, I must be interrupting something. I'll come back later,"

"No, no, you've come at the perfect time. Kiara-ssi and I were wrapping up our conversation, weren't we dear?" Youngmin smiled, one that came naturally in the most tense of situations. In my unruly state, what was the point of trying to cover everything up with a farfetched lie? But this was just how Youngmin operated, no matter how hard someone tried to shake his bones.

A spark of realization flashed in Taeyong's eye, and he understood something important. 

"Sir, we don't have any more schedules until the music show tonight. Will it be alright if I practice a new routine with Kiara-ssi?" Taeyong asked, humbly lowering his eyes.

"Of course, as long as she doesn't have any plans. You two may do whatever you please," Youngmin dismissed us with a wave of his hand, and Taeyong dragged me out of the room.

*                                           *                                            *

This is the third time Taeyong took me here, to the Marigold Field. And this time, I'm certain it's not a dream. After all, I no longer felt the spark of exhilaration that shot up my body from the first two visits. A cold stone weighted down my heart, refusing to allow me fell anything but sorrow. For as long as I'll live, I don't think I'll ever forget the cruelties Kim Youngmin had shown those rookies. Each time I thought of the torture they had gone through, the more certain I was that SM's CEO had sold his soul to the devil.

"Kiara, I'm not sure what happened in there, but it'll be okay. Our CEO just takes a bit of understanding to get along with. The situation isn't as serious as you're thinking right now," Taeyong said, taking a deep breath. The small gesture was his way of asking me to do the same, yet I couldn't.

"Why do you think so highly of him anyways?" I asked, watching the clouds drift lazily away.

"Don't we all? He's the one that gave us the opportunity to fulfill our dreams. Without him, none of us would be walking on the same road,"

I didn't respond, letting the silence settle between us. Unlike before, it wasn't a comfortable silence that showed a mutual understanding. This new atmosphere reflected how strongly I couldn't agree with him, and that silence alone sent my message lucidly.

"If you want to tell me your troubles, you can Kiara. I'm more than happy to listen," he finally said, smiling brightly like before. Something as harmless as a smile came to be a symbol that represented so much more. Seemingly innocent, it masked everything Taeyong was feeling in his heart. I can't explain it in coherent words, but the smile was a service of sorts. Instead of calculating and cruel, it was warm and inviting. Instead of terrifying to those who recieved it, people were prompted to smile back. Yet, both were used to cover up a greater goal their smiles were used to achieve. Essentially, they were identical in their single mindedness to succeed.

I couldn't believe it.

"You really are, just like me," I whispered, slowly. It was the start that a whirlwind of emotions led me to. The beginning of a terrible truth more heart wrenching than anything I'd learned in Kim Youngmin's office. Taeyong's smiled wavered, if only for a moment. His face turned to confusion, urging me to continue. He still thought he was being a comfort of sorts, a stress reliever that would hear out all of my worries.

"We are both so determined to succeed now that we've chosen the paths SM is leading us down. But...don't you think this is too much? I really didn't want to listen to the hunch at the back of my mind, but the worst part is that my superstitions were right. Are right. Taeyong, you never wanted to do this in the first place, am I right?" I said, feeling cold tears prickle my eyes. I would not let myself cry over a boy.

The realization was evident on his face, yet he pressed on, feigning innocence. "What do you mean Kiara? I really don't know what your talking about. Please, stop talking yourself into strange things. I've already told you how unhealthy this is-"

"Everything," I gasped, taking a deep breath, "everything up until now was never your choice to make. I can see it now. You never wanted to share that first duet together, never wanted to spend your free time comforting me while I was fighting the worst of my depression, never wanted to console me with empty words that would never work to alleviate the pain. And this," I gestured all around us. The sunny flowers smiled as brightly as they ever did, oblivious to this new reality I discovered for myself. "I don't know what this all means to you. Perhaps it means nothing at all, but you never would have brought me here if it wasn't for Kim Youngmin's orders. He finally found a new hope for someone he believed would become the future for SM. He saw the talent I possessed, and was willing to do anything to ensure that through the blood, sweat, and tears, I would survive with a beating heart. Our CEO must believe in the wonders that young love could do. It's almost humorous, like he set up a blind date that I never knew I was going on,"

Dropping the facade, Taeyong looked up at me pitifully. An apology lingered on the tip of his tongue, but he held it in by hardening his words. "It's all true. In fact, I never liked you the first time I saw you. You were haughty in your demeanor, as if no one had the right to approach you. I don't like arrogant girls, and you are the epitome of everything a rookie shouldn't be. We are all talented, which is why our CEO ever considered us for SM. Just because he wrote some compliments on your application doesn't give you any more priviledges than the rest of us," Taeyong turned away. He was still trying hard to cover up the feelings and thoughts burried the deepest in his heart, revealing only the first of many layers.

"It must've seemed that way, huh?" I couldn't bring myself to hate him for being so harsh, as I'm sure many others thought the same things. "I was very lonely. Everyone reacts differently to their first time living outside of home, and that was mine. At a company with such high expectations and rules, I didn't know how to express myself to others without seeming off-putting. That, I can understand. You became close with a girl you despised just to please the CEO. If anything, I should be the one pitying you. Against all your own set of standards you live by, you sacrificed all of them to achieve your greater goal. Even if it included tricking a lonely girl into thinking you were the only rock she could lean on. Even if it meant putting on a kind smile instead of scowling everytime you saw her," I swallowed hard, feeling an agonizing burn in my throat from unshed tears.

Taeyong sighed, hiding his face in a hand. "Are you really in any position to judge me for what I did? You willingly starve yourself to fit the ideal standards SM sets up, and in the process, ruin yourself to the point of no turning back. I don't doubt that your body will fail on you very soon, perhaps even before your debut. In the end, we're all just victims of the company. None of us signed up realizing the full extent of how much our lives would be altered. We can't be blaming each other, Kiara. We can't afford to. All our time and effort has to be spent on the company," Suddenly, he looked tired beyond his years. Somewhere deep inside, a tiredness would always be there to burden his heart. It was a kind of torture that I knew all too well, because I have it too. We will always desire a break from the madness that SM puts us through, but at the same time, we know that this is a desire that won't ever be fulfilled until the days our contracts terminate. Freedom can only be attained when we can't stay on this carousel any longer. For some artists they could bear going round and round until at some point, they would be met with success and fame. But not everyone's that lucky, some getting stuck on the carnival ride until they go insane and fall apart.    

Now, it was my turn to smile. Unlike Youngmin, I can empathize with what Taeyong was going through. "I know. It must've been a difficult decision on your part. It hurts so much, realizing that you aren't who I want you to be. I guess now there's no one left to blame except myself. My emotions went into a wild frenzy out of my control, and only the truth brought them back to me," Giving up the fight, my first tear ran down my cheek: the emotional equivalent of blood pouring from a wound. "I wish we met somewhere else, on our own terms. That way, I wouldn't have come off as a cold hearted narcissist, and you wouldn't have been forced onto me. We couldn't been friends,"

Taeyong didn't fight the idea, didn't say anything at all. We sat silently in the beautiful marigold field, looking out of place in this paradise. What once held so much meaning lost its importance in the blink of an eye. I don't want to come here ever again, whether it's with Taeyong or by myself. The days he brought me here were never that sunny or bright; it was all in my imagination.