My throat ached with unshed tears. Suffering seems to be an endless cycle I agreed to live under once I signed that contract all SM trains were forced to comply with. I signed my life away that day. September 16th. If I could go back in time and erase everything, dying of happiness wouldn't be enough to explain my relief. One glimpse into my current life would uncover reality my naive self. My childhood self was unconquerable, immune to the difficulties everyone else her age faced. Nothing was impossible. Any problem could be solved by one encouraging smile from Julie; she was a safe haven I didn't realize the importance of once she dissapeared. I hope she's alright. I hope life is sweet and infinitely times better than her childhood had been. I hope now we at least switched roles, and someone else is there to comfort her as she had for me. 

But deep down, I'm still greedy. Julie, if you can hear me right now, please come and find me. Wherever you are, come back and take me along with you. I'm sorry about Wonho, sorry that you had to go through his death all alone. I can say this only now because I know what it feels like to be by myself. I'm sorry that on the last ballet recital you came to, I was so selfish and didn't consider your situation. I had known that your home wasn't the safe, warm abode that mine was. If you can find me right now, I can finally give you the sincere apology that you deserve. This is my last and final wish from you. It's so hard to stay positive anymore. But you were always able to turn the worst of situations into sunny days. Unni, come find me because I can't go to you. Please. 

*                               *                                   *

Time remained elusive to me the rest of the night. By the time I finally made my way back to the dorms, the sun had already begun to peak out from the horizon. I didn't even care if I missed curfew. Part of me almost wishes that I'd committed some sin great enough to get me kicked out of SM for good. Giving up sounded too enticing. Unfortunately for me, the night had grown too long; even the security guards who hovered around the dorms had gone to sleep. No one was there to witness my return. I guess that was for the best.

When I reached my dorm room, I all but collapsed under the comforting, soft covers. My sore heart and aching body welcomed the nothingness that is sleep. Void of all feeling, sleep offered a much needed solace that melted my troubles away. More than Johnny ever will. More than Taeyong ever did. What I couldn't let go during the day easily lost its grasp on me under the murky waters of unconsciousness, so, so easily. If only my troubles stayed gone.

The strange thing is that when I sleep, my mind is completely blank. When Anxiety was at the height of his powers, he used to prowl and haunt me everytime my head touched my pillow. Just as he lost his control over me in real life, he disappeared almost entirely in my subconscious mind. Old memories haunt me as real as if they happened just yesterday. Countless times, I'd awakened with a tear streaked face, my breath heaving as if all the air in the world wasn't enough to fill my lungs. The pillow was soaked through with salty tears; my hair clumped like wet seaweed at the base of my neck. Beads of sweat lined my forehead, slippery to the touch. A deep burn in my throat caused by unshed tears begged to be soothed; but at the same time, I seemed to have cried so much that there weren't any left to shed. Gyeong would demand to know why my eyes were so puffy and my face so bloated. When I didn't respond, she assumed that I'd been binge eating in the middle of the night. The following day meant no dinner and three extra hours of exercise. I was beyond glad to be released from this torture my own mind created for itself.

But sweet dreams didn't fill the empty space. Instead, my mind remained hallow and empty when I slept. More like passed out. Sleeping didn't feel like rest either; it was simply a state of nothingness that meant neither consolation nor misery. That emptiness consumed me now: dull, hallow, unfeeling. I slept.

*                                   *                                    *

"Kiara!"

I stirred.

"Kiara! You have to get up! This is extremely urgent; Mr. Youngmin demanded that you come to his office right this moment," Gyeong bellowed into my ears.

But what did Kim Youngmin want with me so early in the morning? My goal was to see him as little as possible for the remainder of my career, but he wasn't making that very easy. Bile rose in my throat at the thought of seeing his crinkled, sardonic face.

"What happened?" I yawned, dragging myself upright.

"Now's not the time for questions. I think he's very angry with you Kiara; something's gone amiss,"

This snapped me awake. But as I scanned my memories for any slip ups that coud've been made, my mind comes up with none. The nervous expression Gyeong wears does little to calm my worries; so I quickly dress and wash up before following her down to Youngmin's hell hole.

Of course, it seems that I'm not the only one invited to this morning meet up. The one other person I don't want to see is conversing in hushed whispers with Youngmin when Gyeong and I walk in. Taeyong looks up when he hears the door open; his face betrays nothing about yesterday or his despicability for me. I try my best to ignore him as I walk up to Youngmin's inordinately large desk.

The eyes speaker louder than the face does. Anger and scrutiny burn in Youngmin's eyes, transparent as ever. "Perhaps there's something you want to stop hiding from me, Kiara? If you come clean, maybe your next couple weeks won't be as difficult as I can make them."

The beginning of a smirk gripped the corner of Taeyong's lips. Of course; Youngmin's little lap dog is playing the loyal pet. I shouldn't known the moment I stepped in here that this is all Taeyong's doing. Now that his use for me is over, I'm now disposable. Just another broken toy to be tossed away.

"If you would please tell me what I did wrong, I'll accept whatever punishment I must receive." I said in my most composed voice. An emotional outbreak is the last thing I need right now. At this, Youngmin scoffed.

"You mean you won't admit to your mistakes? Seriously Kiara, you've been here long enough to know the consequences of messing up even once," 

"I don't know what I did wrong...but Taeyong-ssi definitely looks like he knows. Why don't you tell me, Taeyong-ssi?" I give him a calculating smile. Two can play this game.

Caught off guard, Taeyong blinks. "Well, it's not really my place to speak-"

"You think dragging Taeyong into this will cover up your own issues?!" The sudden outburst shook my bones to their core. Youngmin stood with such force, his desk chair fell over behind him. "Do you always expect others to take the blame for you? People like you have no sense of responsibility, it's ridiculous. How do you ever expect to survive as a debuted artist? Being careless, immature, and selfish...these are all the last characteristics people want to see in an idol, don't you understand?! This won't do. From now on, you'll lose all the priviledges even a rookie has. You'll do vocal and dance practices for 10 hours a day up until the music show. Gyeong will monitor you 24/7. No phone or communication with anyone outside who I surround you with. You'll be allowed one small meal less than 300 calories a day. It's such a shame that things turned out this way Kiara; I saw so much potential in you. Now get out,"

Now it was my turn to get caught off guard. My brain barely had enough time to comprehend how blown out of proportion the situation just became when another outrage broke out. "ARE YOU DEAF? GET OUT!"

My feet were moving before the logical side of me spoke out. I didn't do anything wrong...think, think, what possibly could've gone wrong? I can't remember! I'd woken, eaten, practiced, eaten, then practiced some more, and gone out with Mark and Taeil. What went wrong?! We'd talked and talked it got late Mark whined I gave him my leftovers Taeyong showed up with Nahyun they ate we were leaving...except I didn't leave. I was with someone. Taeyong.