What more are we than a child's play toys? Kim Youngmin is the child that mimics our voices, dictating our every move while we remain in his possession. There was an incessant craving for the next, newest (or in his case, 'next successful') doll, one that'll keep his top position in the entertainment industry. In other words, he'll never be satisfied with his growing collection. Each day, new rookies replace old artists; they are left in a heep when he's no longer entertained. Johnny is still a packaged figurine, full of potential to satisfy Youngmin's boredom. I am one he just unwrapped, knowing I will become a very important player in his everyday shenanigans. It would be awhile before any of us rookies could leave. Either that, or we'll end up as victims of the disposal bin.

But it didn't feel this way when I was with him. 

Johnny was playful and eccentric in a genuine way Taeyong never was. He joked carelessly, even made remarks that some would find offensive from one acquaintence to another. I was surprised to find him so open with his true personality. Johnny meant it whole heartedly when he promised to gain my trust. He was taking the first step: don't hide anything. Revealing his personality was a bold choice, yet he was willing to risk it. The only people who'd seen my true persona were Taeyong and Nahyun. Unlike Johnny, I wasn't so eager who I am just yet. Let him judge me on the cold facade I hide under.

Perhaps it wasn't even his true personality. I can't be fooled again, yet after being abandoned by my two closest friends, I wanted so badly to believe Johnny wasn't like them. Or maybe I'm overthinking again? Anxiety hasn't even been around lately to give me a hint. Although his methods were shrewd and unpleasant, they got me places. Everything turned out all right at the end of the dark tunnel. Now, I am completely lost, not knowing where to even begin organizing my life. It's a terrible feeling, like I'm drifting in the middle of the ocean unsure of what's below. Are there sharks lured by the scent of my blood? Or am I scaring myself? 

"Kiara,"

I blink. "Hm?"

Johnny puts an arm around me, pulling me close. A little too close for my liking. 

"What are you doing?" I ask. He shrugs, as if to say skinship isn't a big deal.

"I just remembered that Gyeong wanted you back soon...we should go," People were now pointing in our direction; hushed whispers collected in unison to draw attention to Johnny and I. Were people beginning to recognize me already? It hasn't even been a day since my music video was released. They were mostly teenagers or young adults, people around my age. Talking amongst themselves as though I couldn't hear a word. Spoken of like an outsider who didn't matter in the slightest. Ignored. 

Whatever the reason my appearance had gathered such interest, it couldn't have been good one. Johnny pushed our way through the crowd grew in size, his hand hovering over my face in a protective manner. People strained their necks to get a better view of me. Suspicious eyes followed us. Hand phones were pulled out. Pictures. They were now photographing us. Photographing me. Johnny's hand wasn't enough to block out the flashes that were now blinding me. It was a battle to stay conscious under all the suffocating atmosphere. For a split second, recognition appeared on their faces. But just as quickly, their faces turned cold in contempt. What had I done that was so awful? Why were they looking at me that way? No matter what explanations my mind thought of, nothing made sense.

"It's her!" Someone yelled from the crowd.

Before I managed to comprehend the words, Johnny was already a step ahead. He pulled us into a sprint, pushing through the masses to head back to SM. But people were everywhere, and that ubiquitous expression appeared on their faces no matter where we ran. My world slowed down into a blur, and the familiar aura Anxiety carried with him returned. Confusion, all around me. I turned around to see the crowd meet me with spiteful glares, harsh eyes: as though I had personally wronged them. My breath escaped me in a cold moment, and the suddenness of the situation caught up to me. 

"Johnny...what's...what's going on?" I gasped, struggling for air. But it was no longer Johnny grasping my hand. I looked up to meet Anxiety's unrelenting glare, more ferocious and loathsome than ever before. But for once he wasn't alone; all those people clustered around us changed into shape-shifting monsters. Never for a moment did they relent. They crouched low, positioning themselves to strike. Anxiety suddenly turned to me and threw me to the ground, towering over my body. Tears blurred my vision. No, not tears; I was shaking. To Anxiety, I must've seemed like a leaf quivering in the wind. 

"W-what did I do wrong?" I cried, my voice coming out in hitched breaks. 

"You don't know? How could you be so ignorant?" Anxiety laughed in hysteria, "What's in that empty brain of your anyways? Surely nothing important. Kiara, you were always one to forget all the important things. That's why you're like this,"

He got on top, his weight a crushing force that would break my body if he leaned any more forward. Iron grips were placed around my neck, cutting air off from my lungs. 

"Taeyong saved you last time, right? Who's going to now? Who will save you from yourself?"

From myself. He was right. Those words triggered an old memory, one I thought was long forgotten in the past.

I am eight again. A slice of chocolate cake sits half eaten on the driveway pavement. Julie sits cross legged next to it, eyebrows furrowed as she's hunched over her textbook. That's another thing with my cousin; she brought work with her everywhere. When most kids spent their time bored out of their minds, Julie goes everywhere prepared with a book or two. Out of genuine interest, this is how Julie loved to spend her freetime.   

Over on the grass, I'm practicing my routine for the upcoming ballet recital. We often found ourselves like this on a peaceful summer afternoon; each person engaged in their own separate interests, yet not alone. Simply having each others' presence near was enough for us. As talkative as I usually was around Julie, moments like these were unforgettable memories during my childhood.

"When's the recital?" Julie asked, marking her page before shutting the book.

"Next Friday. Will you come?" Julie tosses me a water bottle as I take my usual seat next to her. Her bright, carefree laugh rang in the air. The sound melted euphoniously into the rhythm of the noises around us; everything felt beautiful, right, when Julie was next to me.

"When have I ever not showed up to your performances? Once, I even missed a math competition to go see you. Silly goose," she flicked my forehead in that playful manner I was used to, followed by that signature smirk.

"I know, I know..just checking," I get up in mock annoyance, ignoring her as she calls out my name.

"Hey, Kiara! Kiara, come back this instant or else I really won't come to watch you next week!"

Keeping up the act, I return to practicing my routine which I've long ago mastered, but practice for the sake of next week. Hours rush by as I'm lost in the beat of the steps, paying extra attention to each turn and gesture that set the mood for the entire dance. With each routine comes a different role, and I become a different person. There is unrestrained freedom in that, because nothing is set and stone. So I focus on what each "role" entails, and how I can use them to set my performance apart from the others. And win. 

I am so engrossed in my dance, I don't notice when Julie is called inside by my mother, and asked to leave.

****************

Julie never misses my ballet recitals. Never. She'll definitely come. But there's only 15 minutes left until it's my turn, what if she doesn't make it? No, she'll definitely show up, no matter what. That's the kind of dedication Julie shows to her friends, that level of selflessness. As the list of compliments go on and on, one would believe Julie led a flawless existence. In fact, that's what I believed. My cousin was so cool, always composed and knew exactly what to say, to do, at all the right moments. So of course, my perception of Julie played a large role in my ignorance. My inconsideration for what she might be going through as well. All I could think about was myself in that moment before I walked on to the stage. 

"Next, we have seven year old Kiara Kim performing 'Flight of the Gales',"

The curtains rose just as the music did, and I only had a split second to scan the crowd for Julie. And there she was, smiling as usual with her hands clasped together in silent support. All I could feel in that moment was blissful relief. My best friend was there to support me. I could do anything with her by my side. 

But thinking back, I remembered the silent agony in her eyes. A burden, no twelve year old should ever have to deal with, laid heavily on her shoulders. People say you could tell everything from someone's eyes. On that day, her eyes screamed for nothing else other than help. They hoped, prayed that someone would notice her heavy heart; that someone would give her a hug. Perhaps if I'd made the right moves that day, Julie would've never had to suffer alone.

*                          *                            *

The next day, police officers, investigators, and prosecutors were all riotting outside the entertainment building. People were pushed down, some even injured: all in an effort to see me. But I sat inside, watching the extent to which reporters would go. All for the sake of a glimpse. All to see me. It didn't matter if my debut single was the talk of Seoul, or the recent rumors surrounding my debut stole away everyone's attention. There was a spark in the calm waters, something to write about. To make money off of.

Kim Youngmin wouldn't let me outside. He repeatedly drillled into me that the best thing to do in a situation like this is to keep silent and let SM take care of matters. He said this debut had too much potential to ruin like this. So. Much. Money. It could all go down the drain if matters continued down this course. Bribes would be made and mouths would be kept shut. That's the way of the world.

"Someone had spread a rumor about me. That they had seen me hanging around Taeyong in the company and insisted to some reporters that we were dating despite the strict policies SM made us live under," I said to Anxiety.

"So are you just going to let people get their way? You're such a pushover," he snorted, reclining back on my bed.

"There's nothing I can do. The company will take care of it,"

No matter what I said, Anxiety always had a better response. Perhaps that's because all of my responses were full of empty lies. I didn't believe a single one of them. But I told them anyways because telling how I really felt would be too humiliating. He could read my mind, so he knew that all too well. Maybe even before I did. It hurt everytime to be caught in this circle of lies, fighting my mind to no ends. 

That familiar sensation of my breath hitching was about to come. Then I would panic, looking vainly for someone's help that wasn't ever going to be there. Because even if someone was physically in the room, my mind wouldn't let them enter. I'll suffocate for what seems like hours, wishing a quick and painless death just to be out of the agony. My fears and insecurities endlessly haunt me in that room. Always whispering. 

Anxiety isn't my enemy.

My own mind is.

There has to be something I can do.

Because if I continue like this.

There won't be a me anymore.

Author's note: Sorry for the super long break>.< I've been writing more offline without actually posting anything. If you haven't guessed it already, I'm writing another story focused around Kiara's cousin, Julie, who has faced a lot of struggles in her life as well. The story isn't as angsty as 9/16, but quite...different? Kiara and Julie's personalities aren't very comparable. Where Kiara represents a typical idol and her mental insecurities, Julie is a cynical young lady who is battles a lot with the morality of the decisions she makes. Of course, Kiara will make a couple appearances along with some other characters in this fic, so please look forward to the new story! I'll start updating it once 9/16 ends, so thanks for the support:D 

Please subscribe if you enjoyed 9/16 so far!

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1209465

Also...the new oc, Julie, has a twitter! Please follow it for updates and clues about the sequel. Posts will be made in character, so you get to hear things from Julie herself^.^ 

https://twitter.com/kpop4evr123