I'd always been alone. No, I had plenty of friends in school who always supported me in the way friends should. And obviously, my parents weren't the type to leave me by myself. But I just preferred to do things on my own. They say independence makes a strong woman, right? So that's how I started my career as a solo artist. Even in group projects at school, I just told my teacher I wanted to do them by myself. It was too hard to battle in my ideas in the raging war of combined thoughts, so my solution was to avoid the mess altogether.

This was my first mistake entering the Kpop industry. Although friends weren't always the easiest to get along with, they offered comfort and a safe haven when times were tough. Mom had told me to be strong and Dad had told me to take care of myself, but were these things really possible in the real world? Who will be there to support me? To break my fall?

*                               *                             *

They spoke of me like a prize. Like they dug up a diamond, but first needed to polish it up so it could shine at its fullest potential. 

My manager, Gyeong, made it very clear that she expected me to debut in only three years, and winning music shows within the first year of my debut.

"Out of all the auditions SM received last year, yours was the best. Dancing, singing, even acting excelled far above the others. Did you receive any experience prior to your audition?" Gyeong asked me. She had stolen me away from the rest of the rookies and insisted on pushing me ahead to start as soon as possible.

"I first got interested in dancing when I entered a compeition at eight years old. Of course it was lots of fun, but the prize money-"

"Stop," she frowned heavily, narrowing her deep set eyes. Her entire body language spoke of disappointment; from the crossed arms to the heavy sigh. Thump-thump.

"The first thing you must do as a rookie is learn what things are appropriate to say, and what things aren't. By mentioning money first, potential fans will think you have a lust for wealth, therefore taking away from your image as a genuine, candid celebrity. Why don't you try again?" she said, leaning back comfortably. Taking a shaky breath, I did as I was told.

"My interest in dance peeked when I was eight years old and entered a local ballet competition in New York City. My parents were very supportive of me when I won first place, and encouraged me to start taking classes. My interest in singing coupled along with acting when I was nine. At my elementary school, I landed the role of an empowering young girl who taught those around her to love themselves the way they are-"

"Stop," Thump-thump "Look, here in Korea, we don't wan't to be perpetuating those kinds of ideas. You need to bend the story a bit so that this girl still encourages others, but encourages them to become the best possible version of themselved and gain confidence. It's important to conform to the public opinion to please them. Do it again,"

Lie about my past? Myself? Lord knows I'm not perfect, and I'm sure fans know that too. What gives me the right to pretend that I'm any better than the rest of them?

*                                     *                                   *

It was midnight when we finally finished our 'proper etiquette' session from the afternoon. All the other rookies had gone to sleep, leaving me in pitch black when I entered the dorms.

As if I didn't have enough trouble already, the door to me room refused to open. Frustrated and fatigued, I knocked, banged, and tried everything in hopes that by some miracle, the door would invite me in. The ruckus I was making finally blew the whistle on some other rookie, who came storming out in her pink polka dotted onesie.

"Hey! Can you keep it down? I have a photoshoot in three hours and I haven't gotten a wink of sleep," she spat, glaring with the ferocity of a new born cub. That is to say, none. I could tell she wasn't the type to get angry easily.

"Sorry," I mumbled, still clenching and unclenching the knob. The rookie stared at me hard. Not with disgust or annoyance, but with genuine curiosity.

"Don't you...have a room key?" she asked.

Room key? Ah yes, that. By then the clock had already struck 12:30 a.m. so my plan was to quickly retrieve my key at the company and return. The rookie watched me in fascination as I forgot to respond and immediately left.

With my key in hand, I passed by one of the dance pracice rooms with lights still fully illuminating the room. A quick-tempoed, upbeat song was still blasting with no regard for how late the night was getting. Curious, but carful not to distrub anyone, I peeked inside.

A boy not more than seventeen was still hard at work. My inital thought was that he's a rookie, with a face that young and the determination to continue powering through late at night. But his actions spoke otherwise. He moved with the smoothness of a swan on its hundredth flight; full of experience and technique. His body knew exactly how to smoothly transitions from each move, never missing a beat. Although Gyeong had told me I was the best out of the auditions, never once in my life had I danced with the poise and gracefulness that this kid exalted. The night passed along, but I watched helplessly. Envious, yet captivated by the flight of the swan.