Chapter 13

Realizations 

Jungkook’s POV:

I woke up to a very cold feeling on my back, and cold air around the rest of my body. Slowly, I began to sit up and stretch. Damn aircon… wait, where am I?

As I stood up, I looked at the room where I was. White. This room is all about white. The members are also lying around in the room, sleeping. When I looked at the lone bed in the room, it all came back to me.

The accident.

When I remembered what happened, my eyes began to become wet again. Even though I’ve already had enough crying yesterday, the event was so saddening. I felt guilty. Again.

After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I decided to get out of the hospital building. When I was out, it felt like I’ve been locked in that room for years. Like everything was new to me. When I looked at the clock, I was surprised to see it was just 4:30 in the morning.

“What do I do now?” I asked myself. I can’t go back to sleep. I don’t have food to eat. It’s just surprising to see that I woke up ahead of the other members. Then I remembered what Jimin does every morning to get that damn hot body of his… Wait, what the hell am I thinking?

I began to jog around the city. Jogging was surprisingly relaxing – I felt free. It was relieving – the way the air slides across you face, the way your sweat comes out of your body, the way it makes you feel tired. Now I know why Jimin was addicted to jogging in the morning. Every vacation day, I wake up alone in our shared bed. He returns when it is about time to eat breakfast. When I asked him what time he usually goes jogging, he says he does it normally around 4 am. He said he would jog around the city, then he would jog to his favorite spot, where he can see the beauty of the sunrise at around 6 am.

I checked my watch to look at the time – 5:30 am. What? An hour has already passed? Deciding to go and witness the sunrise that Jimin looks at every morning, I changed my direction to go to that favorite spot of his.

When I reached the location, I checked the clock again to know how long I still have to wait to see the sunrise. After a few minutes, light began shining from the east. I stared at the horizon, waiting for the sun to come out of its hiding. Then it came. It was worth waiting for it. It was so beautiful.

I let the rays of light from the rising beauty penetrate my eyes. It was all so perfect. The heat, the light, everything. As I continued looking at the sun, I remembered Jimin. Jimin’s smile was like this – bright and comforting. I don’t even recall how the hell I became awkward when I’m with him. It was alright if it was some other person, but I’m uncomfortable being clingy or fluffy with Jimin.

What the hell happened? Why do I feel so awkward around him? I was never like that with anyone. What’s so different with him? What does he have to make me feel this way? And besides, why am I even crying like hell when he got hurt? The other members aren’t crying this much, not even Hoseok, the most emotional member. Not even Tae, who’s the best friend of Jimin. Why? Maybe because I’m too young to have experienced this thing. I’m still a minor, after all. But, is that the only reason? Is that the real reason? No. Then what is it?

I kept talking to myself in that spot where Jimin used to look at the sunrise. Now that I’ve seen it, I can’t imagine not seeing it again. I wondered what Jimin is feeling right now, now that he always missed this sunrise lately. I can’t imagine losing this bright sunlight. I can’t imagine losing his bright smile. I can’t imagine losing him.

Then it all came to me. Am I in love with him? But, that can’t be! Only yesterday, I hated him so much for being too clingy. Now, I’m considering the possibility that I’ve fallen for him.

I remembered that time when I saw all the blood in the streets and his snapback. My world felt like ending. It felt like I could die any moment. I panicked like hell, like there’s no tomorrow if something bad happens to him. The fact that I was the reason for that accident didn’t make the situation any better.

I don’t want to lose him. I CAN’T lose him.

I’m in love with him.

I decided that there’s no running from it. I’m in love with him, no matter what I do, I am IN LOVE with him. And all I did all this time was to hurt him, the person I love, denying him the fact that I also love him.

“Do I have a chance?” That question of his kept ringing in my mind. Now I know why I couldn’t answer him – why I couldn’t say NO YOU DON’T. It’s because yes, he has a chance, lots of it actually, and I’m only afraid of admitting it. Fear.

Now is my turn to ask that question. Do WE still have chance? To make it right this time? To make it all up to him? Do I get a second chance to show him that I also love him?

Now that I’ve seen the sunrise, and realized my true feelings, I feel like it’s time to face reality. I walked my way back to the hospital. When I entered the room, only Tae and Yoongi were there. As usual, sleeping Yoongi and Tae… WHAT?! What does he think is he doing?! Wiping Jimin’s face! Wait, why am I too angry? What’s wrong with me?

I slowly approached Tae from behind and took in all the courage in the world before speaking. “Tae-hyung, can we talk?” I asked. I tried my best no to sound as nervous as I really am right now.

I watched as Tae slowly stood up, turned around and looked at me. He can hit me right now. Jin-hyung isn’t here. Oh well, I deserve it.

“So, what do you want to talk about?” Tae asked to me. I was surprised that he was in a good mood today.

“Something about Jimin-hyung…” I said. He turned to sit again.

“…and me.” I continued. He paused. He stood up again and woke up Yoongi.

“Hyung, wake up. Can you please watch Jimin-hyung for a while? I need to talk with Jungkook.” Tae said, shaking Yoongi to wake him up. Yoongi woke up and gave Tae an irritated look before taking Tae’s position near Jimin’s bed and watching over him.

“Follow me.” Tae said to me as he opened to the door.

The two of us climbed up the stairs of the building until we reached the rooftop. We stayed there, leaning on the rails, feeling the morning breeze brush across our faces. Except for the rustling of the wind, nothing else could be heard.

“You want to talk, right?” Tae asked, breaking the silence of the rooftop. I just hummed in response.

“Then talk.” Tae continued. I was wrong think that he’s in a good mood today. He’s scary.

“Ok, I was jogged this morning and went to the place that Jimin-hyung always goes to when he jogs.” I said to him.

“Ok, so what now?” Tae asked. There’s no hiding the disinterest in his voice.

“Well, when I went there, I had some time with myself… to reflect on the things I did. I’m here to… say sorry for all the things I’ve done to you and more importantly to Jimin-hyung. I don’t know where to start to make it up to you guys.” I said to him. I noticed I’ve been a crying mess since yesterday, because I can feel my eyes being filled with tears again.

“It’s alright to me. But let me tell you something… I don’t know how you can make it up to Jimin-hyung. Even though he loves you so much, the words you said are beyond just hurtful. You killed his heart, Jungkook. You messed him up.” Tae said with a slight hint of concern in his voice. Do I really have to say this to him? Oh well, this is the first step for making it up to THEM.

“And hyung, there’s another thing. When I was up there, I realized I can’t bear seeing Jimin-hyung like that. It hurts me so much. When I saw the snapback lying in the streets with blood, the existence of my whole world threatened to cease. I don’t know what to do without Jimin-hyung – his bright smile, his contagious laugh, his everything.” I narrated to him the things that I realized earlier in the morning.

Tae looked at me with disbelief and anger written all over his face. “So what are you trying to tell me?!”

“I’m trying to tell you… that… that…” I stuttered, not knowing how to say it to him.

“THAT WHAT?!” Tae asked, but this time with much more anger.

“That I also love him! That I love him too!” I said after being startled by his sudden shouting. I saw his mouth hang open, then immediately close.

“You know what, Jungkook? You are a big joke. You are life’s biggest joke.” Tae said with his back turned against me. What does he mean?

“Hyung, I’m serious!” I said. I was caught in surprise when he suddenly turned and held my shoulders.

“And you expect me to believe you? You expect ANYONE to believe you? You really are a kid, aren’t you? Do you think all of this is just a game?” Tae asked. I was confused. Now that I’m ready to accept him, you won’t believe me?

“What do you mean, hyung? I don’t understand.” I said to him. He just laughed at me.

“After all the efforts he did to make you feel his love, all the time he was with you, all the money he spent to buy you food, you rejected him. After he confessed to you three times, you still pushed him away. Isn’t three times enough for you to look into yourself and try to know how you feel? Jungkook, don’t fool us. Don’t fool me. Don’t play with Jimin-hyung’s feelings.” Tae explained. Yes, he’s right.

“Hyung, I also don’t know the stupidity that I’ve done in the past. Maybe I’m still immature that time, so I denied the feelings that I had for Jimin-hyung. But, seeing him almost dead, it devastated me.” I said to him, trying to convince him that my feelings for Jimin are true.

“It devastated everyone, Jungkook. Even the fans.” Tae said, still unconvinced with what I’m saying.

“Please hyung. I’m saying this to you because I know you understand the situation. Please.” I begged.

“Those word of yours mean nothing, Jungkook. Empty confessions. You say those things because you feel guilty, and saying that you also love Jimin-hyung is the only way you can think of to make it up to him. You know what, that is not what Jimin-hyung needs right now. All he needs is love – true love. You can’t give it to him.” Tae said as he left me at the rooftop to return to the hospital room. No, hyung. I love him, and I know it.

“Hyung, wait. Can you please tell me things that Jimin-hyung does for me?” I asked. Tae paused for a moment before answering.

“And what happens if I tell you?” Tae asked.

“Uhmm… I can think about my feelings more easily?” I replied. He looked convinced, for the first time today.

“Ok fine. He used to write down notable events that happened in a day with you. He wrote them in small notepads and stores them in a black, white, and red box.” Tae revealed.

“Wait, those are - ” I tried to say, but Tae immediately cut me.

“Yes, he knows your favorite color. He said that when the day comes that you and him are finally together, he will give that box to you so will know how you killed him before. He said you might think of that thing as something very sweet.” Tae said to me. I felt new droplets of tears forming behind my eyes. I felt more guilt. All of his efforts, I just trashed them away. I really have to make it up to him.

“Thanks, hyung.” I said to him. Together, we came back to the hospital room.

Once we got inside, all the other members are back from buying food from the convenience store. Jin was cooking the food for the other members, with Hoseok helping him. This is the first time Hoseok helped in preparing the food, because the people who usually helped with things like this are all unavailable. I was with Tae, while Jimin is still lying in the hospital bed, still motionless.

“Hey, hyung.” I said as I approached Namjoon, who was sitting on the sofa, talking with someone through the phone. When he heard me, he told the person on the other end to wait for a while.

“What is it, Jungkook?” Namjoon asked.

“Uhmm… I’m going back to the house. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Is it ok?” I said as I asked for the leader’s permission.

“Yeah, just be safe. We don’t want another member to be lying in the hospital.” Namjoon said as he held the phone near his ear again to resume his discussion. I suddenly felt guilty again, because I know I’m the reason why Jimin is still in danger. After preparing for a while, I went out to go back to our house.

Once I got there, it’s like everything was new. It’s like I’ve been away for years – like I saw the place after being abroad for years. I continued walking across the living room.

The living room had lots of memories – it is where Jimin used to cuddle me. I remembered how annoyed I was when he does that. I always make an excuse of going to the kitchen, or going to the comfort room, just to get him off of me. I missed those moments. I miss him.

I suddenly noticed how thirsty I’ve become after walking all the way back here. I felt the urge to go to the dining room to get a drink. When I opened the fridge and took out the water pitcher, I noticed it was almost freezing cold. We’ve been out only for two days and this already happened?

I poured the water to a drinking glass to take a sip at the dining table. Then memories came flooding my mind again. Jimin used to take my bowl from me and fill it with food. There were times that he made Jin cook my favorite food just for me. I know how much that food costs, and it’s not cheap. All those efforts made by him, I trashed them all – threw them back to his face. After all the good things he’s done for me, all I gave back to him were insults. I’m so stupid. I’m very stupid. I hate myself. I hate that Jungkook, who didn’t care for Jimin’s feelings. Now it’s different. It has to be different. It’s my time to give him what he deserves – love.

After drinking, I headed to our shared room to get the box that Tae was talking about. When I reached the place, I felt more emotions flooding me. The bed where the two of us used to lie on, the shower room where I used to see him walk out from after he showered, the window he used to open every morning. I noticed everything he did. But I didn’t notice that I noticed him.

“Where does he keep that box?” I said while scanning the place to look for it. “Of course he would keep it somewhere where I won’t see it.” With that thought in mind, I opened his closet. I was surprised by how organized his closet is. The clothes are arranged by color, then by type. They are every neatly hung, while a pile of socks was at the floor. I set all the socks aside, and found the black, red, and white box that I was looking for. Should I get it? Should I look at it? Should I read them?

After some hesitation, I decided to get the box. Slowly, I opened the box while sitting on our bed, taking out the first note I saw.

Today, I and Jungkook jogged together this morning. That was the most enjoyable jogging session that I’ve ever had! It was so much fun, for me at least, even though we almost didn’t talk.

The fact that he agreed to jog with me, it was priceless…

“So sweet. I should jog with you more often when you wake up.” I said to myself after reading the note.

Fan meeting happened today. We were all nervous and excited at the same time. But what was really memorable today is when Jungkook and I had a bonding time. Tae said he was going to help me with Jungkook. I think his teasing was his way of supporting me. It didn’t help that much though…

“But I thought he cried that night because I told him it was for the fans!” I said to myself, confused because Tae said Jimin got depressed that night. When I was about to put the paper down, I saw the back page. The writing on it was smudged.

It hurts! It hurts so bad! So everything that happened was just for show, huh? Why? Why does it hurt this bad? It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this, you know. Jungkook, of course. He just wants to please the fans. Alright then. I have to sleep. Hopefully, tomorrow, it won’t hurt this bad.

As I read the back page, my heart began to hurt. I’m so guilty right now. I hurt him. I hurt the person I love, just because I was too young to realize my true feelings. I don’t want to keep reading. But one more. One more piece of paper. Hopefully, it won’t be as bad as the one I’ve just read. But as soon as I began reading the paper, my tears began to well my eyes. The writing was barely legible due to smudges.

Why? Why does he doesn’t see US? I can almost smell it – we can be together. But why doesn’t he? Is there something wrong me? Do I look ugly? Do I smell bad? Then what’s wrong?

I tried everything to make him feel my love. But why won’t he say something? Why won’t he say the reason? Please Jungkook. Say something. I’m about to give up on you…

The smudged writings just became more smudged when my tears began to fall to the paper. I’m so dumb! you, Jungkook! your stupidity, your ignorance. you! You messed up, Jungkook! You hurt him like hell, and you can’t even say something to him!

My heart was crumbling with what I just read. I don’t know how the hell I rejected him, now that I already know how I really feel about him. I can’t think of a way to make it up to him, after all the hurt that I made him go through. I was lying on the bed, crying, looking at the box that contained his love for me.

After about five minutes of looking at the box, I decided go back to the hospital. Putting back all pieces of paper inside the box, I went outside the room, carrying the box to take it with me. I was about to close the door when I realized what to do to make it up to him even for just a little of all the pain.

Picking up the pen from our table, I headed back to the hospital. I decided to write on the papers as well. I will reply to all the things he wrote for me. When he wakes up, I’ll give it to him. I hope he’ll like it.