.:9:. Cancel : Crush
Have You Ever
♫ Lee Gikwang ♫
I check myself on the mirror once again. It's all good. My black shirt is tidy and my hair is not a mess; I'm all good to go.
Today I will attend the party which is held by Jo Kwon with Hari. It's already 5 PM now and the party will start on 6 PM. I've told Hari this morning that I will meet her at a nearby park.
Since our latest performance, I still haven't managed to talk as usual with Hari. I've tried my best to talk with her, to explain whatever I need to explain, to tell her that I don't like this situation between us. But she avoided me with all her might.
Actually, she avoided everyone. She went to classes and left straight away after they're done. She didn't spend her time at our basecamp, telling us that she wanted to finish the lyrics as soon as possible. She didn't pick up phone; she only sent and received text messages.
She sent me a text message this morning and, I don't know why, I felt relieved to read her short text message; maybe because I hope she is not mad at me anymore.
"Are we going to meet at the party or somewhere else?"
Today will be the chance where I can talk to her, to clear all the misunderstanding between us, to settle whatever I need to since our group will be a mess if I stay still.
"You what?!" Sunhyun groaned with frustration. She frowned as if I just said something stupid. I just told her about what happened between me and Hari; not complete story but, well, I told her that I almost kissed Hari's cheek.
"It's an accident," I faked a cough, trying to keep calm. "That's why I said my head was in the cloud. I couldn't think of anything."
Sunhyun sighed and leaned her back to the chair. She still looked at me with disbelief look, crossing her arms together. She made me felt that I just broke a school rule.
"Look, I've tried to talk to her but she avoided me. I'm sure you can feel that too," I defended myself. "I know it's my fault. I know I need to apologize. But she doesn't give me a chance."
"Yah, Gikwang ah," Sunhyun rubbed her temple, giving me a serious look. "What is Hari for you?"
It's my turn to frown. Why did she even need to ask this question? Wasn't it obvious enough?
"She is my best friend, Sunhyun," I raised my eyebrow, feeling ridiculous with the question. "Hari is our groupmate. Why?"
"What if, let's just say what if here...," Sunhyun intertwined her fingers together. "What if Hari has a crush on you?"
I bursted out a laughter in seconds, "You're good at throwing jokes, you know!"
"I'm serious here!" she complained, pouting her lips. "I said what if!"
I stopped my laughter, covering my mouth with my hand. I cleared my throat and looked at her, "Sunhyun ah, there is no way that will happen. We're best friends and she had announced it very clear to our fans, remember?"
"That's why I said what if...," she murmured. I didn't understand why she looked confused but I shoved away the thought quickly.
"I'll talk to her. I promise," I assured her. It's not like she didn't know how much I treasured friendship. "I don't want to mess up everything. Don't worry."
The conversation I had with Sunhyun haunted me for a while. Her what-if question gave a quite impact for me but I convinced myself successfully that nothing happened between me and Hari; best friends forever.
I lock my door and head to the elevator. Suddenly my phone rings; I hope it's Hari.
I know she doesn't like crowd. She is an introvert and she likes to be an anti social whenever she doesn't feel to be around with many people. But being a good friend, she still agrees to go with me for the party.
Honestly, I must admit that I miss Hari. I miss teasing her, seeing her blushed cheeks, hearing her sarcasm reply. Hari always fills my days and now I feel I lost a big part of my life without her as my best friend.
But it's not Hari.
It's one of my students from a school where I teach the dance class. He is a good student; cheerful, good at dancing, and bright. It must be really important if he calls me.
"Yes?" I pick up the call.
The next sentences we have strikes me. Some of my students get into a fight with students from another school due to a misunderstanding. He tells me that he is hiding now, seeking for help. I ask him their location and he answers me with shaky voice.
I rush to the location with a taxi. I can't let this problem to slip away. I take out my phone and call Hari; I need to tell her that I will be late for the party. There is even a chance that I can't attend the party.
But she doesn't pick the calls. She still doesn't want to talk on the phone. I quickly send a text message to her, apologizing sincerely.
"Hari, I'm sorry. Something came up. I'll talk to you later."
While I'm waiting for her reply, and idea crosses my mind. I find a name on my contacts and I hit the call button. This is the only way Hari will be accompanied to the party.
Please, pick up the call.
Click.
"Yes?"
♫ Yang Yoseob ♫
I look around to find Hari. I find she is sitting on bench, gazing at the sky. She doesn't wear a formal dress for the party she will attend but I still find that she is beautiful.
Gikwang called me around fifteen minutes ago. He told me about the party he needed to attend with Hari, about his student, and about the help he needs from me.
He asked me to accompany Hari to the party as her partner. He pleaded, telling me that Hari didn't pick his calls and she didn't reply his message as well.
Even though Gikwang is my love rival, I can't let Hari to feel alone. None of them knows my feeling, my love for Hari, but that doesn't change the fact that Gikwang is still my best friend.
I immediately changed my clothes into formal one. Hari didn't pick my calls either so I rushed to the park where Hari is waiting for Gikwang.
"Hari," I step closer to her. She turns to look at me and she looks surprised with my presence; she must not expect me here.
Of course she doesn't. She is expecting Gikwang.
"Have you read Gikwang's message?" I ask her as she stands up from her seat. "Something came up so he asked me to go with you."
"Ah...," Hari looks down at the ground. She doesn't hide her disappointed expression. "So he can't come..."
My heart is aching. She doesn't mean to hurt me with her words, but after the night where I kissed her forehead, I was hoping that Hari will notice my signs of love to her somehow.
And the hope crushed me down by itself. The higher hope I have, the worse pain I feel when she expresses her feeling for Gikwang.
"It's a coincidence," I say, forcing a smile. I mentally curse myself in mind; why do I defend Gikwang? It's my chance to have a date with Hari, isn't it?
"Sure," Hari replies with her usual sarcasm. She looks at me, "Let's go then. We will be late for the party."
She walks pass me, acting as if nothing happened. I catch up with her, walking side by side with her. She doesn't have a smile on her face and I know for sure that she wants to go with Gikwang for the party.
We arrive at the party location and Hari writes down Musique on the guests attendance list. We don't talk at all. I brought up the topics about musicians and some events but she answered it shortly with no interest at all.
"Yoon Hari?" a man with black tuxedo and white bow tie approaches us. He has a polite smile on his face. He bows to us and introduces himself, "My name is Jo Kwon. It's a pleasure that Musique can attend my party."
Ah, so he is the one who held this party. I've heard about him from Gikwang and the other young musicians from other universities. He is quite eccentric but I must admit that he has an amazing vocal; I've heart it once on a video from my friend.
His eyes stop on me, "Ah, I don't see Gikwang. Looks like Musique has a new member now. I thought Musique consists of Gikwang and two beautiful girls only."
"Ah, I'm not a member of Musique," I explain casually. "My name is Yang Yoseob. I'm Gikwang's friend. He's sorry that he can't attend the party tonight due to a problem."
"I see," Jo Kwon nods. He looks at Hari again and smiles, "I hope you will enjoy the party then, Hari, Yoseob."
He leaves us to greet other guests. After a while, he starts the party, telling us to enjoy the dinner. While we have the dinner, I notice some guys look at Hari, talking to each other. Some of them approach her, introducing themselves as musicians from other universities.
Hari talks to them politely. Even though she doesn't like to be in the crowd, it doesn't mean she is not good with public relation. She maintains a good conversation with them, but I'm sure she doesn't notice that they are trying to hit on her.
It's obvious for me that the guys are interested about Hari. She is not as beautiful as Yuseon or Sunhyun, but Hari has her own charm to attract guys.
"Our university will have our annual festival in a month. It will be good if we can collaborate," Seungho, I think it's his name, one of the guys who are talking to Hari states. "Maybe we can meet up to talk about it."
"I'll try to talk with my groupmates," Hari answers with a smile. The smile that makes my heart to flutter. "It will be our pleasure to work with good musicians like you."
Hari does the same for a few times. She takes notes for events which will be held for the next three months so Musique can arrange its schedule to perform on the events.
After almost two hours, the party is over. We bid our goodbye to Jo Kwon and the other guests. I walk Hari back to her home in silence.
I feel the awkward silence is torturing me. Hari is trying her best to hide her disappointment from Gikwang's absence. But I can see her sad eyes and I'm blaming myself that I can't cheer her up.
Why can't I make her smile like what Gikwang always does? why can't I make her look at me the way she looks at Gikwang?
No one talks in our way back to her house. We talk about the party once in a while but then we end up in silence again.
"I'll give up on Gikwang," Hari suddenly says when we arrive in front of her house. I stare at her and she looks back at me with a sad smile. "There is no way I can be with him."
"But-"
"I don't want to destroy our friendship," she cuts my words quickly. "Both Sunhyun and Gikwang are my groupmates, my best friends. One mistake is enough for me. I want Musique to be better and I can't do that if I don't focus with it. My feeling for Gikwang distracted me."
I don't say anything. I know she doesn't want to do this but the situation makes her to do act this way. She wants to find the best solution for her life.
"Besides I know you're tired of listening to my complaints," she chuckles. "I must stop nagging. It doesn't help me at all."
"Stop forcing yourself," I clench my fists. She blinks in confusion because of my sudden reaction. I don't like to see her like this.
"I...," I stop my words. For a moment, I want to confess to her; to tell her that she doesn't need to torture herself with guilty feeling because I'm going to stay with her.
But knowing that she always bury her feeling inside, hiding it from the world, I don't want to burden her again.
She tilts her head, waiting for my continuation. I take a deep breathe, "I think you need to take a good rest. You're tired, Hari."
"Maybe," she sighs with a fake smile. "Thank you for accompanying me tonight, Yoseob. You are a really good friend."
Friend.
Can't I be more than a friend for her?
"If you're going to give up on Gikwang, will you give someone a chance to be loved by you?"
The question comes from my mouth. It's my thought and I can't help myself to be curious about the answer. Do I have a chance to win her heart?
"I don't think so," she answers calmly. "Love makes my life to twist. I need to focus with my study and music now."
A really honest answer. Too honest that I realize that I'm crushed down by her answer.
Should I give up on her too?
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