.:10:. Warm : Hurt
Have You Ever
♫ Cho Sunhyun ♫
"I'll check the letters after classes. Sorry for the late reply. I'm fine, really."
I smile when I read Hari's reply. I was really worried about her. After our last performance, the one where she forgot her part, she avoided everyone. She didn't pick the calls, she replied the text messages shortly, and she didn't come to the basecamp.
When Gikwang told me about what happened yesterday that he couldn't attend the party, I became more worried; Hari could be mad at him because he left her all of a sudden.
I texted her this morning to tell her that our mailbox in front of our room was really full. Well, no one bothers to check it except Hari. I finally managed to bring all the letters inside, dividing them based on the colors.
She also tweeted this morning. A short but meaningful tweet.
"A brand new day. I will smile. Don't worry."
Looks like she has overcome her problem. I still don't know what it is but I hope she will tell me soon. Hari always listened to me whenever I complained so I want to be a good listener for her as well.
I glance at the letters and take one of the violet envelopes. I don't take out the letter. I just stare at the envelopes, smiling weakly.
Since when did I become this close with Hari and Gikwang?
I'm supposed to be the best friend of Il Yuseon, the most famous girl in this university. The fame I have now is different from the fame I had when I was Yuseon's best friend.
I miss Yuseon. I really do. But I feel happier this way. I'm not only Yuseon's best friend but I am me, Cho Sunhyun, a member of Musique. I have my own identity.
It's not that I'm obsessed with fame but I was actually annoyed that people only noticed me as Yuseon's best friend in past. No one noticed me for being myself, except Gikwang.
Maybe that's why I fell in love with him.
Yes, I did love him. It was long ago, after he broke up with Yuseon. I was the one who stayed with him through his loneliness of being betrayed by the one he loved. Ironically I was also the one who introduced him to Yuseon.
I cheered him up, went to karaoke with him, took a walk everywhere together, talked with him till midnight at our apartments. I spent around a month like that with him and I couldn't help myself to love him.
He is perfect. His kindness, his cheerfulness, his smile, his care. The way he treats me always makes my heart to skip a beat; our fans always think that we are a couple no matter how many times we have denied it.
"Musique is good," Gikwang leaned his back to the sofa. We were discussing about a name for our new music group in my apartment. "Hari gave us a good name."
"She is really talented, isn't she?" I chuckled. "Don't you think she is beautiful too?"
"Ah, are you jealous, Sunhyun?" he teased me as usual. "Don't worry, you're still the one for me."
Gikwang and his sweet words. I needed to control my heart to stop beating like crazy because of him. When would he know that I loved him?
But I knew his heart was still hurting because of Yuseon. He told me that he didn't want to concern himself for love as he wanted to protect friendship. Once he declared something, he would hold on his principal for sure.
"Gikwang ah, do you still love Yuseon?" I forced the question to come out. I've been wondering about the answer for a while.
He frowned as he looked at me with serious expression. He shrugged, "I don't think so. I don't want to look back at the past anymore. I need to move on."
I loved Gikwang but I didn't want to ruin our friendship. He looked at me as myself; that's probably the main reason why I fell for him. And I didn't want to lose him as my friend.
As much as I loved him, I knew our friendship was irreplaceable. I wanted to protect our friendship the way he did.
If I really needed to move on from my feeling to stay strong as his friend, then I would do it. I didn't think burying my feeling for him longer would help me at all.
"Gikwang, I...," I considered the best words to say. I never confessed to a man before; it's usually the other way.
I cleared my throat nervously, "I fall in love with you."
He looked at me with disbelief look. I knew he must thought that I was joking around. But when he noticed that my cheeks was blushing, he realized that I wasn't joking.
"How...," he murmured, scratching the back of his neck.
"You always make me feel like I'm the luckiest girl. Thank you. But don't worry, please don't apologize or else," I quickly explained with a smile to assure him. "We're best friends and I don't want to ruin our friendship either."
"Sunhyun, I...," he sighed sadly. "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, Sunhyun, but-"
"You're not thinking of love now. I know," I cut his words fast. I didn't want him to be burden by my confession. "Don't worry. We're still best friends. This way I can move on from you too. We're going to be groupmates, right?"
He didn't say anything for seconds but then he smiled at me, "You're amazing, Sunhyun. I'm proud to have you as my best friend."
The 'best friend' words made my heart to ache again but this time I could endure it a little. I needed to move on from my feeling to him so we could be good friends.
After that, as if nothing happened, Gikwang treats me the way he always treated me. I'm glad we maintain our good relationship as best friends. I can move on from my feeling as well; I look at him as my best friends now.
"Sunhyun?"
Yoseob just opened the door. He walks to me in his black jacket, looking around as if he is looking for someone.
"No one is here except me," I smile to him, standing up as I put the envelope on the other violet envelopes. "Are you looking for Gikwang?"
"Ah, no. I'm looking for anyone I can find," Yoseob answers calmly. "I'm just done with classes and I think about having late lunch with Musique. Where are Hari and Gikwang?"
"Hari has to attend substitute classes and Gikwang is meeting some friends of him," I tell him. I look at the clock that shows me that it's 4 PM already and he hasn't eaten lunch?
"Let's go," I mumble as he gives me a confused looks. "You need to eat something. I need to return earlier to prepare something for my students tomorrow."
He thanks me and we leave the room, heading out from the university. I accompany him to eat at a cafe nearby, talking about random stuffs. I don't know why but both of us seem to avoid talking about Hari and Gikwang.
"Thank you," he says when we walks out from the cafe. Time flies and I just realized that it's past 6 now. "It's nice to spend lunch with you."
"You're very welcome," I reply sincerely. It's the first time there were only two of us together, talking about random stuffs. I found that he was a really good listener and we could relate for almost everything. "Maybe we should talk about other things sometimes."
"Let's talk on our way back," he steps forwards. "I'll walk you back."
"Eh?" I blink. Yoseob never walked me back because our directions are different. "It's okay. It's not late yet."
"I want to listen more about your students," he gives his excuse. When I see his smile, I can feel that my heart skips a beat. "Let's go."
Shoving away all thoughts, I nod and walk side by side with him, telling him about my students. He laughs when I tell him about a boy in my class who drew a robot when I told the boy to draw the headmaster.
"And then-" my story is cut off by the raindrops. I was too excited with my story that I didn't realize that the sky is really dark. The rain starts to hit the earth but it's not too far from my apartment now.
I was going to run as fast as possible when I feel a jacket shelters my head.
Yoseob puts his black jacket on my head, covering me from the rain, "Wear this. Come on."
He holds my shoulder and we run in the middle of the rain until we reach the apartment building. I take off the jacket and look at him; he is drenched by the raindrops.
"You don't need to give me the jacket," I complaint. "Look. You're all wet now."
"Your fans will kill me if I don't protect you," he laughs, ruffling his own hair from the water. "Besides I can't let you to fall sick because of rain."
Even though it's cold because of the rain, I can feel my cheeks are blushing. Looking at Yoseob makes my heart to flutter without an obvious reason.
"I'll go back now. Have a shower. Make yourself warm," he pats my head gently. I'm glad he doesn't notice my blushed cheeks. "See you tomorrow."
Without waiting for my reply, he runs through the rain. I don't even manage to return his jacket; he turns at the corner while I'm standing alone.
I inhale the scent of his jacket. It feels warm.
"Thank you...," I murmur to no one.
Why am I blushing?
♫ Yoon Hari ♫
A lot of things are running on my mind while I attend the class. I don't pay attention on the lecturer, instead I'm thinking about my current life.
I've been avoiding everyone lately. I wasn't that good to hide my sadness from people so I didn't want to end up with questions about my condition. I wasn't ready yet.
But I knew I couldn't stay like that forever so I decided to move on after the party I attended yesterday with Yoseob.
Actually when Yoseob gave me a kiss on my forehead after Musique's latest performance, I was wondering about the reason he did that. But since he didn't say a word about it, I shoved the possibility that there was a hidden meaning behind the kiss.
I acted as if nothing happened when I was with him. After all he was the only person who knows about my feeling towards Gikwang. He is willing to listen to me.
Both Gikwang and Sunhyun were really worried about me. I knew it. They called me, texted me, searched for me, but I ignored them unless it's impportant.
When Gikwang sent a text message for me yesterday, deep inside my heart, I was hoping that he could make it. Even though I wanted to avoid him, I couldn't lie to myself that I wanted to see his smile again.
But he couldn't make it. He asked Yoseob to take his place, to accompany me to the party. And even though I knew there was a good reason, I was really disappointed. I wanted to see him too much that I felt hurt by the hope itself.
He called me yesterday but I didn't pick up. I just decided to move on, to forget my feeling for him. That is the only way I can work as usual with him, be the best friend for him, and no awkward silence between us anymore.
I love him too much that I don't want to lose him just because of my selfish heart.
My class is dismissed when the clock almost strikes 6 PM. My lecturer took too long to explain the last chapter; we should have been finished at 5 PM.
I take a deep breathe as I stand in front of the door of our basecamp. It's almost a week since the last time I visited our basecamp. The mailbox is empty; Sunhyun has took all of them. She told me via a text message.
For my surprise, it is locked. I open the door and find no one inside. I thought Sunhyun is here. Where is she?
My eyes land on the letters on the table. They are divided by colors. I shift closer to the table and take the red envelopes, taking a quick look of the letters.
I stop when I find a red envelope with a "M" letter on the envelope. I pull out the letter and read it.
"I'll wait for you at my favorite place to find inspiration. 5 PM."
He didn't write his name but I can recognize his handwriting. I put down the letter and storm out from the room, locking it in a flash.
I rush to the rooftop. He always spends his spare time at there, on the top of School of Music building. We used to practice together when we haven't had our own room.
I find him standing alone in the middle of the rooftop with his guitar. He turns to look at me and he gives me a grin, "You're here!"
I close the door and walk to him with disbelief look. He can't be waiting for me since an hour ago, can he?
"I thought you won't read the letter," Gikwang laughs, putting his guitar down on the floor. "Your class is late, eh?"
"You...," I murmur vividly, "...wait for me?"
He doesn't answer my question. He offers me his hand, making me to frown with confusion. What is he doing?
Without waiting for me to take his hand, he takes my right hand with his left hand and places his right hand on my waist, pulling me closer to him.
"Y-Yah!" I blush really hard. What is he doing?!
"I supposed to have a dance with you yesterday at the party, didn't I?" he steps backwards, pulling me along with him. "I missed the chance to see you in dress, eh?"
"I didn't wear dress!" I mutter nervously. We are really close that I can't look at his face now.
There was time when men asked me to dance with them yesterday at the party but I refused each of them politely. I wasn't in the mood to dance and Yoseob didn't force me to dance with him as well.
"I miss your complaint," Gikwang places both of my hands on his shoulders. Then he puts his hands on my waist, resting his forehead on mine. "I miss my best friend."
My heart aches again.
Yah, Yoon Hari, you've decided that you will forget him.
I'm only his best friend. Nothing more.
"Your fans will kill you if they find out we're together like this," I try to hide my rapid heartbeat. I push him away slightly with my left power.
"Don't you miss me, Hari?" Gikwang doesn't let me go. He starts his tease on me as usual. "Let me have a dance with you. I was waiting for you, you know."
"Stop it, Gikwang."
I can't hold it anymore. I push him away, covering my mouth with the back of my hand as my face is burning. My heart can't bear the close distance I shared with him.
"Yah, Hari, why are you blushing?" he tilts his head and grins widely. "Don't tell me you like me?"
I blush harder. I look at him, covering my mouth with both of my hands now. I feel really embarassed because of his question. I never expected that he would ask that to me even if it's only a joke.
He gave me a shocked expression. Probably because I don't reply him. I only stand still with flushed pink cheeks, unable to say a word to him.
I turn away to run but he stops me, holding my shoulders, making me to face him again, "Wait, Hari!"
I look away, staring at the floor. I bite my lips as I feel tears are threatening to fall. How can I be this stupid? I'm supposed to hide everything from him!
"Hari, look at me," Gikwang pleads but I ignore him.
I can't.
Suddenly he pulls me into a hug. He buries his face in my long hair. I close my eyes, clutching his shirt tight with both of my hands.
"I'm sorry, Hari...," he whispers to me.
With the word, my tears roll down on my cheeks. Even before I tell him, he apologizes to me.
I know. He can't return my feeling. He only thinks of me as his best friend. But it feels really hurt to hear the word from him directly.
As if the sky knows how hurt my heart is, the rain falls down. Slowly but sure, the raindrops mix with my tears, falling over me and Gikwang.
When he looks up with surprise because of the rain, I push him away.
I want to run faraway from him. I can't look at his face. I don't want to look at his face. I want to be alone.
But Gikwang grabs my wrist, making me to stand still.
The next second I know, our lips meet.
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