Amber - Krystal

It was a rainy Saturday night, around 7 o'clock. I watched her settle herself on the passenger seat of my car. We just got out from the reception hall of our college friend's wedding and she asked if she could have a ride out.

"Uhm... could you go home by yourself?" I asked while focusing on the road.

"Yeah... Mom would be expecting me." she answered and what she said made me smile a bit. Same old auntie. She always wants Krystal to go home, no matter how late it is.

"So I'll drop you off at the bus stop then?" I asked again.

"Okay..." 

But as we near the bus stop, the rain poured harder and I could hear her sigh next to me.

"Why did it have to rain so hard at this time?" she said as she looked at her watch while I just stayed silent. You know, this is really awkward for me. I know I've said that I have moved on from her, but I still need time. Whenever I see her posts on Instagram and she's with her boyfriend, I still feel jealous... more like envious in a way... I don't know... There are some days that I consider unfollowing her.

I heard her phone ring which she answered in a flash.

"Hello? Yeah... It's already finished. Yes... I'm on my way to the bus stop now. No, my friend is dropping me off there. Yeah... Okay I'll call as soon as I get home. Yes... Bye... Love you."

When she said the last two words, it was almost a whisper.

Love you... Hmm... So I'm guessing it's her boyfriend. I pretended that I wasn't eavesdropping and glued my eyes in front. Well I don't really care actually. I mean I shouldn't be nosy about her relationship. And I don't want to know anything about it.

I hit the breaks as we reached the bus stop but the rain continued pouring. There was a minute of silence between us before I spoke.

"Uhm... it's still raining." I blurted out.

"Yeah..."

"But I think the bus will come any time soon." I said while looking at the waiting shed to see the schedule.

"Mm... Can I wait for the rain to stop?" That made me look at her as she waited for my reply with her gentle eyes looking back at me.

"Oh... okay... yeah of course." is all I said before facing in front again. I'm trying to avoid eye contact. You know, awkward. She turned her gaze to the window, scanning the streets.

"Well, let's have coffee... there." she pointed at a Starbucks not too far from here.

I let her go in first before I parked the car then went in and saw her waiting in line. I stood behind her as I think of what to order. I heard her tell the barista what her order is before turning her face to me.

"What will you have?" she suddenly asked and I just gave her a confused look. "Come on, I'll pay."

"What? No no... I'll pay for mine."

"Come on Am, just tell me what you'll have." I nodded my head as I don't want to hold the line any longer.

"Okay just give me a grande green tea frappe." She smiled at me before facing the barista.

"Go ahead and find us seats."

"Okay, thank you." I said and walked towards an empty table. I sat down and kept myself busy with my phone while waiting for her.

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I took a glance at her as she sat down at the corner of the cafe. She's still cold. She still has her protective wall around her. She's still protecting herself from me.

I heard the barista call my name and took our orders.

"Here." I said while placing the tray on the table.

"Thank you." she said with a shy smile. I took the seat in front of her and stared at her. I can't fully see her face because it was buried in her phone but I still felt happy. I've missed seeing this face. I've missed her. She then took a sip from her frappe before speaking.

"You didn't have to pay for this."

"But I want to. It's been a long time since we last had a date." I said while letting out a giggle.

"Yeah... the last time was when we saw that movie." she smiled back. Yeah... that night... I recalled. That was the night I have confirmed that she no longer cares for me. She went back to her phone, giving me this cold vibe that I'm starting to hate. I hate that we're different now. I hate feeling that she hates me.

I stared at her, thinking of a way to have a conversation with her.

____________

I cleared my throat before speaking.

"Uhm... you're so quiet..."

I heard her say. I put my phone on the table and looked at her. Her expression is unreadable... something I have never seen before. Or maybe I've seen it, but just forgot.

"Am I?" 

"Yeah... and that's something different..."

"Different? Why?" I asked confused.

"Well... you're not really that quiet when we're together... I mean when we were in college... you used to bug me with a lot of questions." I said while giggling to lessen the tension.

"Ah... well that's because we talked very often that time... every day actually... right?" I asked with a little hesitation in my tone. I placed my hands around my cup before taking a sip.

"Yeah... right..." I said in guilt. A lot of things flashed in my head. Her text messages which I didn't reply to.... her chat messages which I didn't bother to open... her efforts to communicate with me... I ignored them all. I looked at her again, surprised that she's looking at me, too. "Uhm... we can talk now..."

"Hmm... what do you wanna talk about?" I don't know anything about her anymore. There are so many things I want to know, but she made me feel that she didn't want me to be a part of her life after graduation.

"Uhm... Anything new about you?" She doesn't really post often on her SNS accounts so I could barely see what's going on with her. I know I could've just asked her, right? But I can't... because I know things are really different between us. 

"New? Nothing's new... Same job, same apartment." I caught sight of her neck and saw a beautiful pendant at the center. A necklace... probably from her boyfriend? It looks nice.

Short answers. Like the ones I gave her. I bit my lower lip as guilt continued flowing in me.

"Remember our bus rides?" I asked to make the mood somehow lighter. "And your earphones..."

"My earphones?"

"Yeah... the one with one ear broken..."

"You still remember that?" 

"Of course I do..." How could I forget? Everything we did during those times are special for me.

"How about those two guys who followed us to our stop just to ask for your number? Remember that?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Ah... those idiots..." I giggled back.

"I still don't know why you didn't give your number away... I mean one of them was handsome."

"Well I didn't want to... I wasn't interested."

"And it's so funny that you asked me if you should give them your number. Why did you ask me anyway?" Well it's more like asking for permission.

"I don't know... I just felt like I needed to ask you." Because I think you'll get mad or something.

"Hmm... But you don't really know them so I think that was a good decision." And I was so relieved that you declined them. But it made me more insecure... because I know that a lot of guys are interested in you... And you could say yes to one of them any time.

We turned silent for a while... I guess both of us really missed those times. Sadly, they're only memories now.

It's nice to remember all those times. Those are really good times.

Her left hand caught my attention as I notice a ring on her middle finger. 

"You still have that?" I inched my finger towards hers and touched her puzzle ring.

"This? Yeah... my favorite ring."

"I remember that time when you tried teaching Sulli how to solve it while we're on the bus. And you're not a good teacher." I chuckled.

"Haha... yeah... She just ended up getting more confused." Bus rides... and we always sat next to each other. Recalling that made me feel a little sad. I took another sip from my frappe and stared down at the table.

Her expression changed again... she turned quiet again.

"Am..." I called.

"Hm?" I responded without looking at her.

"Do you hate me?" I asked since I can't hold these questions in my head any longer. I need to know.

I looked up and she has this very serious expression on her face.

"Why would I hate you?" I asked.

"You know why..." I locked my gaze at her.

"I don't..." I stared back at her.

"Really?" I asked and she nodded her head. Is she serious? She's making everything hard for me. Is this like her pay back? Or am I just overthinking? Overreacting?

I paused for a while before speaking again.

"I think it's time for us to be honest."

"Okay..." I answered back and prepared myself for the next things to happen.

"What did you feel about me?" I said as my heart pounded.

Wow... the moment I've been waiting for has finally come. Confession time? I took a deep breath before answering.

"I liked you. No... actually... I loved you." 

My heart skipped a little after hearing what she said.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I was a coward... I got scared that you would freak out and stop being my friend. I think I won't be able to handle that kind of rejection."

"But have you ever wondered how I felt about you?" I asked.

"Many times... You know, I really wanted to ask... but I can't... You didn't show any signs that you're into girls... you had past boyfriends so I assumed you won't ever be with a girl."

"But I could've made an exception, you know..." I boldly confessed. "I could be gay sometimes... well, for you..."

"What?" I asked with this shocked look on my face.

"I was... kind of having strange feelings for you. But I thought it's only because we're always together."

"But after graduation... you slowly disappeared..."

"Because I wanted to stop whatever it was I'm feeling... but no... I kept falling for you."

"You made me feel like I wasn't important... Honestly, a few years ago... I started to hate you. Because when I try to talk to you, you didn't have time, but just one message from you... I would reply in a flash. Just like I always did in college. But you... you made me feel like I didn't deserve your attention... I needed to wait for it... I only get it when you want me to have it... And sometimes I think you only replied because you forced yourself to..."

"And then you finally stopped..." I said while trying to hold back tears.

"Yeah... 'cause I realized there's no point..."

"That's because you didn't say anything..."

"What do you mean?"

"If you have confessed before then things would've been different."

"You should have said something, too."

"Why me?" I fought back.

"Remember when we were at the bus stop with Minho? I think that time, I was trying to hold your hand then suddenly you blurted out, 'Minho look, Amber's acting like a lesbian.' while taking a few steps away from me. With those words and actions, you indirectly told me that you're disgusted with me. Maybe that's why I didn't have the courage."

It's like someone poured cold water on me. She remembers that. Damn I was so stupid.

"Sorry..." is all I could say. I was such a homophobe yet willing to be gay for her. What's wrong with me. "But that was before I had special feelings for you."

"It's okay... it's normal to react that way." I looked at her necklace again. "But you have a boyfriend now... so... guess you're still straight." I smiled. There was a bit of silence between us before she spoke.

"Do you wanna know why I stayed single for a long time?"

I shook my head.

"Why?"

I took a deep breath first.

"I was waiting for you... I tried looking for a guy who's like you... but I can't find one... then  Kai came... He's okay... courted me for a long time..."

What she saidd made my head swirl a bit.

"Waiting for me? Why would wait for me after shutting me out?"

"I don't know... I secretly wanted to be with you I guess..."

"Well that ..." I said and paused, gathering enough courage to confirm this. "So you did love me?" 

"Yes." I said without hesitation. I watched her as she buried her face in her palms. I slowly stretched my hand out and touched hers. "Am..." I said, my voice a little shaky. I felt her hand grip on mine.

Her hand gripped tighter. I raised my head and looked at her.

"I just... I don't know what to say..."

"Tell me anything."

I stayed silent for a while before speaking.

"You know, I have waited many years to finally hear you say that. At least I know now what happened... what you felt... so... thank you... thank you for telling me. Because I've been going crazy about this whole thing. I've been dying to know all of this."

I've hurt her. I've hurt her so bad.

"Sorry Am... about what I said before... with Minho... You are my good friend... We're really good friends. I never meant to make you feel that way. I'm so sorry." I said as I start tearing up. Luckily the cafe is not too crowded like it was earlier. She suddenly grabbed something from her pocket and handed it to me.

"Don't cry." I said while handing her my handkerchief.

I took her hanky and wiped my eyes.

"You still bring these with you..." I said as I remembered something again

"I always bring a handkerchief with me."

"Do you still remember when I cried in front of the class while I was reporting because we still haven't finished our project for the next class?" I asked while trying to giggle.

"Ah... yeah... You cried like a baby."

"You offered me your hanky and... stayed with me until I felt better."

"It's the first time I saw you cry and I was so worried. I wanted to run after you but I hesitated. Then the next thing I knew, Minho was already there next to you. He liked you... you know that, right?"

"Yeah... I somehow sensed it..." But I wasn't into him because I was confused about Amber.

"You could've been a great couple." I said. It's true. Our friends shipped them actually except for me.

I looked at her and wondered what it could have been if we confessed. We could have been a great couple.

When I noticed her staring at me, I looked down. I don't want to fall into her trap again. And I can't. I won't.

She looked away again. I took a sip from my frappe before looking outside. The rain has stopped. It's time to go home.

"I think I can go home now." I said.

"Okay." I started to get up when I felt her hand on mine which made me look at her.

"Amber..." I called out.

"Yeah?" I confusedly replied. I was waiting for her to say something but she just stayed silent while staring at me.

I just looked at her eyes while holding her hand tight.

"Let's be friends forever..." Because that's the only way I could keep her. She gave out a smile.

"Of course..." I answered back.

"Promise?" I asked as my eyes started to water.

"Until we're grannies." My eyes started to tear up, too. "I'd even sing on your wedding." I added.

My heart ached a little at what she said but I still kept a smile on my face.

"Deal." She gave my hand a shake before loosening her grip.

"Come on, you might miss the bus." 

We reached the bus stop. I got off the car with her to say good bye properly.

"Thank you." I said.

"No problem." I answered back.

I got on the bus and found a seat by the window. After taking a seat, I looked outside. I thought she had already driven off like the last time, but no. She was still there. I stared at her as my eyes got teary again. I missed that. I missed her doing that.

 I waited for her to find a seat. When I saw her looking at me, I waved my hand to say good bye. She was about to wave when she suddenly looked at her phone. I think she had a call because she put the phone on her ear. The bus started driving off. I looked at her one last time before getting in the car.

My phone suddenly rang just when I was about to wave good bye at Amber. It was Kai. I answered the call but I couldn't understand what he was saying because my focus was on Amber's car starting to drive off to the opposite direction.

I hope she gets home safely.

I hope she gets home safely.

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Done~