She’d just folded the shirt in half before freezing. Then she did what she hadn’t meant to. She looked at him.

The gentleness within his eyes absorbed hers. Namjoo saw the same boy she’d once been with. The naïve, innocent Sehun who would sit beside her, carry her books, be her slave, and follow her wherever she went.

“Why? Should I have thrown it away?” He asked. “It was important to me. I don’t think you would have given me anything else. Or would you have?”

Namjoo turned away and resumed work. She switched topic, “I heard that you went on a lot of blind dates because of that Chanyeol?”

“I bet Yoo Jin told you that.” He leaned back onto his hands and stretched his legs out. “I did.”

“And you’re telling me, you still couldn’t escape from your mother or your next door neighbor?”  

“Blind dates don’t mean anything,” Sehun explained, “it’s just two bored individuals out for a trial. You know like those expensive catalogs that offer to give you a month of their things for free and then you decide if you want to get serious? They were just free trials for me so that Chanyeol would get off my back. He likes having fun.”

“Are your standards too high or something?” Namjoo shot a glance at him

“I just didn’t get the feel with them.” Sehun told, his head cocked to the side as he thought back to those college days.

“The feel?” Namjoo repeated as if he’d said something totally absurd.

“Of course, that feeling. You know, like how we clicked. I couldn’t feel that with them.”

“We didn’t click.” She shook her head.

He eyed her from the corner of his eyes, “We did.” Then straightening up, “But why are you curious?”

Namjoo turned away and set the shirt in her hand down. She didn’t know why she’d asked in the first place. It just…sort of slipped out of without thinking.

“I don’t know,” well that wasn’t a complete lie, “maybe you could’ve married one of them instead.”

Sehun breathed a smile onto his face, “Why? Because you don’t like me?”

For some dumb reason she immediately turned to look at him, opened to give an explanation. Then she faltered. Was it so important for him to know? Idiot, she scolded herself, Sehun’s not a mind reader.

“I don’t,” she began with her voice quiet, “not like you.”

His smile grew a little wider as if he’d known anyway. “I know.” Then he stood. “Maybe I went out with a few of them several times, but I never got serious. They were just normal flings. I couldn’t be as dedicated toward them as I was the same way to you. We clicked, Namjoo. We did.”

He was talking too much, she complained to herself.

“I’ll let you finish up then.” He passed by, his footsteps fading down the hallway. When he was out of sight, Namjoo realized she was finally able to breathe again.

*****

It was true. Namjoo was his first love, the first girl he knew he’d like to be with. Chanyeol had often about being unable to date because he couldn’t forget her. That’s where all the blind dates stemmed from. Sehun had simply gone along with it, mostly for the heck of it, and to show Chanyeol he wasn’t still stuck on those first old love stories.

And it was true, he’d merely forgotten about Namjoo after he walked away from her. He did notice that she never came back to school and that had been about just that. Once in a while, he thought about her, but she had always been so free and smart in his eyes. Any trouble that went along her way she was capable enough of jumping over the hurdles. He had believed that until rumors circulated at the reunion that Namjoo had been knocked up or that her kid was his. And then he began thinking about her again, until he really saw her and Soo Ae for himself.

Maybe somewhere inside his head, the thoughts of Namjoo had been sleeping. Sehun got that she was unexpressive, but she didn’t hate nor dislike him. Something about his instincts assured him of that, that Namjoo would never be able to hate nor dislike him. In the past, she never drove him off even though she told him his following her around bugged the hell out of her. Even now, Namjoo still hadn’t driven him off.

Pausing near the bottom of the staircase he watched Soo Ae and his father side by side on the couch. She was exclaiming something they were watching on the TV together to him. And as he’d noticed so often, his father seemed more joyous as he laughed and smiled at her.

Soo Ae, he felt, was god sent. Not only had she rescued him and Namjoo, she’d changed their life in a profound way indescribable in words. Namjoo had done right by saving her that night. The baton had been handed over. From now on, Sehun would finish caring for them.

That night, Namjoo spent a long hour with Soo Ae in the next room while he lie alone in bed. The space beside him was deserted, almost seemed like it was abandoned. It was an uncomfortable feeling to realize that the person who should be there, wasn’t there. It had only been a few nights, but he’d quickly adapted to sharing the bed.

Namjoo returned a while later, creeping into the room quietly. Sehun always locked the door when he slept, but ever since Namjoo moved in with him she left it unlocked for the sake of Soo Ae. The side of the bed weighed down ever so slightly as Namjoo pulled the covers over and climbed in. There had been no body contact ever, unless it was the case they were both asleep and unaware.

“Is she asleep?” He asked. Through the dark he could make out Namjoo turning to look at him and wished he could see her face. It was too bad he didn’t sleep with a nightlight.

“Yea.”

“She probably feels a lot safer if you could be there with her,” he sympathized.

“Your mother would throw a fit,” Namjoo said and he knew she was right. “If she didn’t, I wouldn’t be here.”

His eyes darted her way. “Namjoo, can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“Don’t get upset, ok?” She didn’t reply. He waited another extra few seconds before charging forward, “Have you…ever gone all the way with someone?”

Complete silence dawned on him and he wished a cliff would magically appear. He’d jump off the second it did. God, he should have had more sense than to ask something like that. He regretted it the moment the silence grew warily quiet. Heat thundered through his body for fear he’d touched a part of her he shouldn’t have. Namjoo would distance herself away from him and they’d have to start all over. Sehun didn’t want to go so far back to being cold strangers with her.

“A few times.” It was quiet, but he heard it. He was immediately apologetic and simultaneously bothered by the fact.

Who, he wondered, had done it?

“They were like one night stands. I was drunk when they happened, I don’t remember much.”

“I’m sorry.”

They lay there silently, both staring up into the ceiling no one could make out. It appeared as the vast night sky void of stars and the moon.

“You know,” he was surprised she’d spoken first, “maybe we shouldn’t have gotten married.”

He didn’t like those words and chose not to reply. His hand slightly turned into a gentle fist by his side.

“I’m glad Soo Ae has someone to call ‘dad’, but we’re not compatible,” Namjoo voiced. “Maybe you don’t have to get married to Eun Bi, but I think you’d rather have someone you can truly be with. You know, have your own kids with, and do all that stuff everyone does so normally together. Maybe after Soo Ae grows a little older and I know she’ll be all right, we can stop this charade.”

Sehun couldn’t describe the strange ache forming inside his chest. He recognized anger stimulating his system before pulling himself up and out of bed. Opening the door and leaving it open he started down the stairs through the dark.

Damn Namjoo thought she could read his mind and even know what was better for him than he himself did. She was wrong, totally wrong.

Pulling the fridge open with more force than intended, he listened to the contents at the side rattle. A cold bottle of water sat within his palm a few seconds later and he gulped the icy liquid down. The cold that went down his throat sent him shivers. Placing it back into the fridge he slammed the door shut and turned to lean against it.

What the hell was with the talk?

Maybe it was his fault for not going after Namjoo after walking away from her, because if he’d found out she had Soo Ae with her he could have done something. But thinking about it wouldn’t help now.

Knocking his head back against the fridge he imagined the times Namjoo may have gotten drunk and someone had taken advantage of it. Those dirty bastards, he hissed underneath his breath. Namjoo didn’t drink, she was never known a drinker to him but a smoker. If only he could have done something then.

Sehun exhaled loudly as he tilted his head back to stare into the dark. It hurt more than disappointed him, he realized, that Namjoo still didn’t like the marriage. Maybe he should start worrying, even though he knew Soo Ae would glue her down in his home, that she would start digging around to find some way to leave. Namjoo would never abandon Soo Ae like her biological parents, but what if…what if she trusted him enough with Soo Ae to leave her with him?

That was the worst thing he was beginning to worry about. It could happen, he reasoned. Namjoo had declared her grounds before marrying him. Even if he hoped to stir a bit of her heart, it was near impossible to do so.

Rotten trash, she’d called herself, and an empty container.

It was only then, that he finally realized she loathed her own existence.

*****

Namjoo felt distinctly guilty for having voiced her own opinion when she knew well Sehun was happy with how everything was. For some reason, she was certain there was a need to draw a line. Sehun was going to become attached again. She could just feel it happening and she was afraid to go back down the same path she’d once gone.

Things are different now, she reminded herself. There was Soo Ae. She was allowed to get attached to Sehun and lean on him, but Namjoo wasn’t. She was no longer young and naïve, full of fun and wit. You don’t have wishes anymore, she chanted to herself, neither do you deserve them.

When Sehun returned an hour later she pretended to have already fallen asleep. He slept far away from her that night.

The next morning when she awoke, there was a throbbing in her abdomen. And worst yet, she knew what had happened. Her mind was groggy and she was irritated at once before being aware that embarrassment was yet next to come.

Sehun was still asleep, to her luck. Carefully crawling out of bed she grabbed clean clothes, rushed into the bathroom, and when she opened the door he opened his eyes. He would soon throw the covers over and when he did, he’d see it.

Namjoo’s internal organs screamed when he did and she rushed forward to stop him from getting up.

“Wait!” She grabbed his arm, unaware she was startling him.

“What is it?” He frowned at her then began turning his head, curious if something or someone was behind him.

“Not yet, don’t look,” Namjoo cupped his face with her hands.

“What is with you?” He sounded annoyed for the first time. Moving her hands not amused and still upset over last night, he turned to feel all of his vexed emotions dissipate the moment he saw the stain of blood on the bed sheet.

“Oh…” was all he managed.

Urged to slap herself, she clamped her eyes shut from the horrifying embarrassment. They remained frozen in place, each trying to think of something.

“Um…sorry…” he glanced up at her and quickly got up before heading into the bathroom.

*****

For the first time since they got married, they became quietly awkward with each other. Eun Bi was back over that morning and Namjoo was immediately put to work. All throughout the morning they didn’t speak to one another. Sehun did watch her carefully though, and he caught her trying to look into the cabinets for some painkillers before his mom would scold and call her away.

As breakfast ensued he noticed how her complexion paled and how she often gritted her teeth. He was the only child and to his disadvantage, without a sister. He had no idea what a girl went through when on her period nor had he ever asked any of his friends about it. It was a personal time of the month thing – at least he understood that.

While Namjoo busied with dishes and put away the leftovers, he quickly scanned the cabinets for any medicine. All he found were vitamins and herbal medicines his parents took. From behind he listened to his mother tell Namjoo to vacuum the house again because she hadn’t done a good enough job yesterday, to gather the towels and wash them, sweep and mop the kitchen, and do her own laundry because she and Eun Bi were going out to some event.

When Namjoo finally left the kitchen he hurried up after her to find her in Soo Ae’s room, fixing her daughter’s hair for the day. Knocking on the door frame, he asked, “Ready, Soo Ae?”

“Yes, daddy!” She called before running toward him.

“Go put on your shoes first,” Sehun ordered and watched as she disappeared down the hall. When he finally turned his attention to Namjoo he recalled how she’d put him off last night. It hurt and had been disappointing, but he tried not to think of it. She wasn’t feeling well and at least deserved some slack.

He noticed her staring at his tie. “Thought I’d let you off today.” he told, then asked, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.” Well of course she wasn’t going to be honest with him.

“Anything I can get you?” He wondered. “I’ll get you some medicine on my way home.”

“Just buy some painkillers,” Namjoo mumbled.

“All right.” And he wished he didn’t have to go to work when he left.

He dropped Soo Ae off like usual and upon arriving at work, first sought out Chanyeol. If there was one thing he knew about Chanyeol, it was that he had a sister. For the first time in Sehun’s life he was finding Chanyeol helpful. If that wasn’t funny, he didn’t know how to describe it.

“Hey,” he chased his friend down the hallway.

“Whoa! Look at where you’re coming from,” Chanyeol greeted. “Running late this morning?”

“Actually,” Sehun breathed, “no.”

Chanyeol raised an eyebrow, “You coming out this weekend?”

“Of course.”

“Namjoo too?”

“She’s coming,” Sehun replied, “but speaking about that, you have a sister, right?”

“That annoying girl? What about her?”

“Um…so…” Sehun suddenly found himself embarrassed about what he was going to ask. His eyes darted around to make sure no one nearby would overhear them. The hallway was obviously clear, but he could never be too sure.

“What?” Chanyeol asked again, both eager and annoyed he was stalling.

“You know…” Sehun’s eyes swerved toward him anxiously, “when your sister…you know…”

“What!” Chanyeol’s eyes widened. “What about my sister? I swear if you’re going to say something funny…”

“When she gets her period,” Sehun forced the words out, ignoring how Chanyeol’s eyes went wide, “does it…does it hurt a lot?”

Chanyeol laughed, baffled by what he was hearing.

“I’m serious,” Sehun stared at his friend sternly.

“I guess it does. She’s gotten sick a few times because of it,” Chanyeol replied, trying his best not to laugh.

Sehun narrowed his eyes at Chanyeol, but still continued, “Is there a special type of medicine they eat?”

He swore that the way Chanyeol laughed at him was enough to send his fist flying at him, but because he’d gotten the answers he needed there was zero percent of that happening. He was worried about Namjoo and had thought about calling her, but thought against it. She would, he assumed, be annoyed if he did that. And he was afraid that if he did anything he would trigger her determination to leave – that was if it wasn’t already strong enough.

The second his shift ended he made a phone call to his father to pick Soo Ae up while he hurried toward the pharmacy. Namjoo could be hurting a lot by now and he didn’t want her to have to suffer, especially if she had to deal with his mom. After finding what he came for he quickly sped down the street home.

The house seemed abandoned upon his arrival. No one was in sight and no one was there to greet him. It was an odd feeling. He always imagined that when he came back from work his wife would be the first to greet him.

“Namjoo?” He called out to which no one replied. Immediately starting up the stairs he headed toward their bedroom, where he heard voices coming from the TV.

“Namjoo,” he called again when he walked in and found her curled up on the bed – the sheets changed – with the remote in her hands. Some sitcom was blaring on the screen. Grabbing the remote he turned the TV off and thought to wake her, but decided against it.

Slowly getting down onto a knee before the bed he dug his chin into the mattress to watch her. A happy tremor spread through him with indescribable warmth. Reaching a hand out he ran his fingertips over her face. Too deep asleep Namjoo neither moved nor woke up.

As a smile climbed onto his lips he knew then, that if he were to get married again, he would only do it if it was with her.

***Sehun knows what he wants and he's slowly coming to realize it, but Namjoo's still in denial - she doesn't want to get attached to him. 

***Note: their conversations are important, it lets them know more about each other. Communication is crucial in a relationship like theirs.