There is an allusion in her to something that happens in The Showdown, but I think if you’ve made it this far into 100 prompts you’ve probably read The Showdown already and will recognize it.  There are also allusions to earlier one-shots.  Keep on your toes to spot them!

And a massive thanks to SilverKey who once again was kind enough to edit this massive story for me.  They are so amazing to take the time to help me out.  This one-shot is so much better for their help so thanks a ton! 

This is a longer one, just to warn you (about 10.5 pages on Miscrosoft Word...)

Sometimes things aren’t always perfect….

#45 – Steady

Taemin was always there.  A constant presence in his life for over two decades now. 

He was steady as a rock.  He always seemed sure of what to do and where the next footfall should land.

Whenever Kibum was about to fly off the handle, it was only Taemin who could manage to keep his hot-headed self grounded. 

When Kibum was forced to endure the subtle deprecation of his coworkers, a backhanded compliment here, someone else’s unearned promotion there, it drove him crazy, though it was nothing he could legally do anything about.  But Taemin would be there to talk him through and prepare him to go to work the next day, feeling calm once again.

When the kids, though he loved them dearly, would bang around the apartment as he was buried in a huddled mess in his bed in the dark of his bedroom with a migraine the size of China, Taemin was the one who would calm them down or scuttle them out of the apartment so Kibum could wait out the pain. 

Whenever Kibum couldn’t take it, Taemin could.

And it really pissed Kibum off.

A storm raged outside the window, seemingly in tune with the turmoil of Kibum’s own heart.  Lightning forked across the sky as Kibum waited in the lobby of his office for Taemin to pull up in their car.  The writer had offered to pick Kibum up on his own way back after an interview as the designer had forgotten his umbrella that morning and didn’t want to have to make his way around the city in the rain.    

A well-shined shoe tapped smartly on the cold tile floor.  His arms were crossed stiffly over his chest, the long fingers of his right hand playing with a frayed thread on the cuff of his left sleeve. 

A muffled honk fought its way through the growls of thunder.  Kibum’s head jerked up and he saw Taemin’s face leaning across the car to prop the door open so Kibum could jump in. 

He dashed from the building to the car, slamming the door behind him and shaking the water from his hair before buckling up. 

Taemin laid a quick kiss to Kibum’s chilled cheek.  “How was your day Bummie?”  He asked gently as he carefully steered their way back into traffic. 

Kibum just glared out of the windshield, his eyes following the wipers that tried in vain to clear the torrential rain from the glass.    

“Kibum…?”  Taemin asked, glancing for a moment at his husband in concern before setting his eyes back on the road. 

Kibum heaved a heavy sigh.  “Today .” He said blankly, still staring. 

Taemin bit his lip. 

He was worried about Kibum.

The man had been in a funk for the last few months.  Ever since his grandmother passed away.  The woman had been their staunchest supporter, and more of a mother to Kibum than his actual mother had ever been.  When Kibum had cut ties with his mother, he had been sad for a couple of days, but had brightened back to normal within a week.  This was completely different.  He had chosen to part ways with his mother, but his grandmother had been taken from them without warning.  She had passed away peacefully in her sleep of natural causes, her age finally getting the better of her.  Kibum seemed to be floundering after this loss, neither able to connect fully to the life around him nor block it all out, allowing every little thing to get to him.    

The worst part was that the kids were starting to notice.  Taemin had just sort of taken it as part and parcel of Kibum adjusting to life after his grandmother.  He thought that Kibum would have a few good cries and mope around for a couple of months but would then get relatively back to normal.  But he didn’t seem to be getting any better, and Jinae and Munhee were missing their Appa. 

Taemin set his jaw.  This had to stop. 

Kibum was shocked when Taemin turned into the parking garage.

“What are you doing?” he demanded as Taemin took the ticket offered from the machine.

Taemin was silent as he sought out a space.

The tension in the car was thick as Kibum glared his husband down from the passenger seat.

Taemin swooped into a spot and turned off the engine. 

In silence, he unclipped his seatbelt and physically turned his body, as much as he was able to within the confines of the car, and locked eyes with Kibum.

And there is was again.  That look.  That infuriating look.  The ‘I understand’ look that Taemin always had, like he knew the secrets of the universe. 

The blood boiled in Kibum’s veins.

“What?!”  He shouted, the echo bouncing around the car and causing Taemin to wince.

Taemin steeled himself, this would not be pretty.

Kibum’s eyebrow rose and his nostrils flared.

“What are you doing?!” Kibum’s hand flew through the air.  “The kids are going to come home to any empty apartment.”

Taemin cut him off, “They have a babysitter.  You know, the one bringing them back to the apartment?” Taemin inwardly winced at the heavy sarcasm, but he just couldn’t hold it in.  He paused and made sure he was locking eyes with Kibum, “And anyway, that’s the point.”  His words were so quiet, but they carried right to Kibum’s ear without problem.  There was a sense of sadness and regret that colored those words, but in his anger Kibum did not hear the tone.

“The point?  Really?!  What point are you trying to make?” Kibum demanded.

Taemin sighed sadly, “I don’t want the kids to see us fight.”

“And what are we fighting about?” was the terse response.

“Are you kidding me?!” Taemin exploded, his sense of calm gone after months of being on the proverbial edge.

Kibum was shocked.  Taemin yelling was rare.  Taemin yelling in anger was rarer.  Taemin yelling angrily at him was so rare that he could count the number of times that it had happened on one hand – well, now two. 

Taemin clenched his hands tight in an effort to direct the anger elsewhere.  “What is the matter with you?”

Kibum glared and Taemin could feel the fire building behind those eyes.  “’The matter’ with me?  You think something is ‘the matter’ with me?” 

Kibum’s voice was low and dangerous.  Every sense Taemin possessed was on high alert, every hair on his neck and arms stood on end and he knew that the was about to hit the fan.  He had known it the second he pulled into the parking garage, but now that it was time, he didn’t feel fully prepared for it. 

“Well I’m sor~ry!” the older man hissed, “So sorry that I’m not as perfect as Mr. Lee Tae Min.”  Kibum enunciated every syllable of his husband’s name, stretching out the sentence and creating a frightening atmosphere within the car.  His anger seeped out in his words.  To Taemin it almost seemed like someone else was speaking through his husband’s lips. 

Taemin stared at his husband in shock and a little fear.

How he had managed it Taemin didn’t know, but within the confined space of their car, Kibum had somehow managed to tower over the driver, hands on his hips and face almost leering.

“Enlighten me Taemin, what exactly do you think is ‘the matter’ with me?!”

Taemin set his shoulders and stared just as intensely back at Kibum.  “This!  Okay?  This!  You seem one step away from blowing your top every second of every day!  You used to love your job, but now you do nothing but complain about it.  You used to love our home, but now there something wrong with this or that’s uneven…you don’t even hang around with Munhee and Jinae much anymore – and they are starting to notice…”  Taemin sighed and scrubbed his face with his hands, sagging against the door behind him and missing the temporarily stricken look that crossed his husband’s face.  “I don’t know what to do anymore Bummie…” his whispered, “I want to make you happy, but I don’t know if I can…”

Taemin glanced up at Kibum and the sorrow and pain and confusion that had been running through him for months practically wept from his face.  “Bummie…” he moaned, “what can I do…?  I don’t…I don’t know anymore…”

Kibum didn’t know what to say.  At first he had wanted to react with a sense of righteous indignation, pointing out that he wasn’t like that and that Taemin was over-exaggerating, making a big deal out of nothing.  But then that little voice in the back of his mind pointed out that Taemin didn’t freak out over nothing, he didn’t blow things out of proportion.  The way Taemin saw things tended to be the way that they actual were.  That was one of the things that he both loved about the man and was so greatly irritated by. 

Kibum just kept staring into those deep tear-filled eyes, his jaw dropping as his mind ran things over, seemingly unconnected to his physical body.

So when the sob came it took them both by surprise.

Suddenly Kibum bent double and the pained noise clawed its way out of his throat, chest heaving and tears rushing from his eyes like a waterfall.

Taemin’s arms were around Kibum in a second, holding the man close and crying alongside him.  His mind suddenly flashed to that scene in the bathroom all those years ago during his recovery.  But Taemin had been the one needing to be held then, it was Kibum’s turn now.

Everything that Kibum had been trying, and failing, to hold in, seemed to rage through him now, carrying him away through the torrid rapids of his heart in which he had been struggling to keep his head above water.  The pain at losing his grandmother who had cared for him and supported him for his entire life, the frustration of being still treated as something lower at work but being unable to prove it, and the resentment, yes resentment, of Taemin’s innate ability to compartmentalize all the complex emotions that would cross through him and not let them interfere with his everyday life when it was always hanging around Kibum like his own personal storm cloud, inserting itself into every nook and cranny of his life was more than he could bear on his own.    

And it all poured out.  In the cramped and confined space of the car, Kibum cried himself practically hoarse, spilling out everything that he had been bottling up.  At times clutching Taemin close and alternatively shoving him away and yelling at him as well. 

But, even when Taemin’s shoulder collided painfully with the joint holding the seatbelt to the wall of the car, he didn’t mind the reaction, because Kibum was talking, was finally actually telling him everything that had been festering behind every false “I’m fine” that he’d heard for the last few months.

It was like his grandmother’s death had been the tipping point.  Things that had annoyed him before, but he had been willing to put up with, didn’t seem like things he should have to endure anymore.  Hadn’t he been forced to live through enough pain already?  Weren’t there more important things for him to be doing than having to pretend he hadn’t heard the latest gossip about him around the firm? 

“So quit.”  Taemin said, like it was the simplest answer in the world. 

Kibum almost stuttered for a moment he was so taken aback by the statement.  They were Korean…you don’t just quit, you stay with your company for life…  “I can’t quit…I…”

“You what?”  Taemin smiled gently.  “I’m not saying that you need to stop working forever, but this job is driving you crazy, and indirectly me.  We have more than enough money to take care of Jinae and Munhee and pay our bills.  You can find something else to do later, but please don’t keep putting up with because you think that you’re ‘supposed to.’  Some people aren’t meant to take the same path as everyone else and do the same things as everyone else.  If you don’t stay at the same company the rest of your life what is the big deal?  Maybe you’re just not meant to try and lead your life this way.  It’s killing you, and honestly it’s killing me.”  Taemin became quiet.  “You know I thought it was me at first.  That I had done something or said something, and that you…” his voice got even softer, sounding for a moment like the shy little middle-schooler that he had met all those years ago, and Kibum had to strain to hear, “…I thought…that you didn’t love me anymore...”    

Kibum’s heart clenched at the pain that he had caused his husband, partner and best friend to feel.  He suddenly was graced with the image of his life without Taemin, and it was dull and lifeless.  A life of doing what one is supposed to for society rather than what they should do for themselves.  If was not a life worth living after having known so much happiness and joy over the years with the wonderful man before him.    

“Taemin, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry…”  Kibum leaned over the center console and grabbed the sides of Taemin’s head, starting to lay kisses to every inch of his face, kissing away the tears.  “I love you so much Taemin, so so so much…I love you Taemin, I love you!”

Taemin’s arms circled around Kibum once again and he pulled his lover in tight.  Relishing in the feeling of the man within his arms again.  His arms trembled with the sheer desperation that he felt for this to really be happening, that it wasn’t just another dream.  He had dreamed so many times of Kibum breaking out of this horrid, dark stage he seemed to be trapped in and realizing that Taemin was still there for him.  That Munhee and Jinae were still there for him.  His family was there to love and help him if he would only open his eyes to see it.  In silence they dug their fingers deep into fabric and flesh, as though both were trying to convince themselves that the deeply intimate moment was actually happening.  Rather enjoying that sense of intimacy that they had been without for too long. 

“I love you too Kibum, I love you too.” Taemin voice breaking and muffled as he was speaking into Kibum’s shoulder, but the former-rapper still heard him, loud and clear.

The tension in the air broke and the two just held on to the moment for dear life.  It was the first time in months that the couple had actually felt completely comfortable with each other, knowing that nothing was being hidden anymore.  In the cramped little confines of their car, this momentous occasion was taking place: the reunion of them as a couple, a rededication of themselves to each other through their emotions alone.    

Taemin lifted his head and laid it on Kibum’s shoulder, his nose burying itself into his husband’s neck.  One of Kibum’s hand s up to bury itself into Taemin’s hair, lightly scratching his nails along the writer’s scalp, knowing that the younger man loved the sensation. 

He suddenly felt totally exhausted.  He had been running on the negative energy for so long, that as it started to seep out of him, he was like a deflating balloon.  The weariness just seemed to roll in like fog. 

He sighed and started to pull away, though he wanted to stay in that embrace all day. 

“I still can’t quit right away.  I’m not going to leave them in the lurch like that.  There are some nice people there too, and they are working on this project with me and I would be a real to just up and leave.”

Taemin smiled, “That’s alright Kibum.  It’s whatever works for you.  I just don’t want to see you be unhappy anymore.  Try and enjoy what you can about this last project, didn’t you say the designer was a funny guy?  Focus on that.  Focus on the good things and just ride it out this one last time.”

Taemin bit his lip, the job wasn’t all of it, it was just the easiest problem to tackle.  “Kibum, you can’t keep trying to keep this all in.  We’re a family, you and me and Munhee and Jinae.  We need you to be around and be a part of that family.  I know it’s hard right now, but just…try…okay…please?”  The plea came from so deep within Taemin that he physically ached with its release.  His greatest worry was that their family would fall apart, and he would do anything he could to prevent that fate.

“Oh Tae…”  Kibum couldn’t even react.  His lungs seemed to contract and he could only take in short breathes.  “I promise I’ll try.” He whispered, unable to put the resolve that he truly felt into the words as they left him.  He was still so shocked at everything that he had been doing to his life, because his family truly was his life, without him even knowing that he was doing it.  How does one correct behaviors that they weren’t even aware of doing in the first place?  There was a great sense of trepidation within his heart.  He knew he had to rebuild the bridges that he had apparently been dismantling, but how much work was there to be done?  Could he even do it?  Did he have the strength? 

And then that little voice appeared again, a little bit of that diva personality of his telling himself off.  Dammit!  I’m Kim Kibum!  This is my family!  It doesn’t matter how much work there is to be done – just do it! 

And suddenly the man brightened.  A smile lit up his face the likes of which Taemin hadn’t seen in months.  So long in fact that it had taken Taemin a moment to realize what he was seeing because it seemed so foreign on the face that had once born the carefree expresion so frequently.    

“Let’s get home!” he exclaimed, looking very much like Jinae as he jumped up and down in his seat. 

Taemin looked confused at the sudden shift.  “Wha~?”

“The kids will be home!  I have to rebuild this, so I might as well start now, I want to start right now.”  Kibum looked determined and Taemin couldn’t stop his own smile.  It was that same manic energy that fans had always thought was ‘so cute’ when they were still a part of SHINee.  That purposeful resolve that had made him the Umma of the group and the one to always accomplish his goals no matter what, though sheer willpower alone it had seemed sometimes.

“Alright then, let’s go home.”  Taemin said happily, fixing himself back in his seat as Kibum did the same.  He couldn’t stop the smile that covered his face, smiling so wide that his jaw actually hurt, but he was so happy.  Emotionally wrought, but unbelievably happy.  He could see Kibum starting to poke through the barricades that the man had put up between himself and the rest of the world, and that gave him hope for the future.  That they would work through this, that they would be okay.  Kibum would still be with him and their family would be as strong and happy as they could possibly be. 

They pulled out of the garage and paid the fee to a bored looking attendant, and once more they went out onto the streets to discover that the storm had passed.  The skies were still a hazy grey and everything had the swollen look of a sponge having been dropped in the sink and was holding way more water than it was ever designed to withstand, but there was the distinct feeling of it being over. 

They arrived back at their home and they walked in to the sounds of happy giggles from their living room. 

The kids were playing charades with their babysitter, Mrs. Song, an elderly woman who lived in their building and had wanted something to do with her days other than sit around her empty apartment. 

When Taemin walked into view choruses of “PAPA!” filled the apartment, but when Kibum rounded the same corner, the cries muted a bit into Jinae’s lone, “Welcome home Appa.” spoken as quietly as she could.

Kibum’s heart wrenched and he almost wanted to cry.

How had he not noticed?  That his own children were backing away from him, they didn’t know what to do with him or how to approach him.  Little Munhee even seemed a little bit scared of him, as the three year old had done nothing but stare at his feet since Kibum walked into the room.

Well, no time like the present. 

“Hey kids!” He exclaimed, swooping down and picking up Munhee and settling the surprised boy on his right hip.  He kissed the boy lightly on the cheek before leaning down to give Jinae a peck as well. 

He caught an approving smile from Mrs. Song from the corner of his eye and suddenly wondered how many people knew how out of it he had been. 

His sense of purpose became all the more fervent. 

“So what did you guys do today?” he asked with a big smile as he looked between his children. 

Jinae answered slowly, while Munhee just stared openly at Kibum’s face.

After Jinae finished, Kibum turned his head to look at Munhee and quirked his head slightly to the side, “What?  Is there something on my face?” 

Munhee continued to study his face like a scientist with a microscope.

“Seriously?” Kibum asked suddenly looking at Taemin, “Has there been something on my face all this time and you haven’t told me?”

Taemin laughed lightly through his nose, not quite a snort but a cousin of one.  “Nope, nothing on your face, I promise.”

Jinae walked Mrs. Song to the door while Munhee continued his examination.

Whatever the three year old was looking for though, he must have found because his face suddenly lit up and he squirmed to get down.

“Jinae!  Jinae!”  He called loudly, running down the hall, grabbing her wrist and pulling her back as fast as his little body could move.  “He’s back!  He’s back!  Appa’s back!”  He pointed up at Kibum’s face and was jumping up and down, fully bringing his knees up to his chest before pounding them back down into the hardwood floor below.  “Appa’s back!” he called again, hopping around in a circle, arms stretched up towards the ceiling in what almost looked like a victory dance. 

The sudden shocked look on Taemin’s face at the announcement was nothing to the pain and amazement that coursed through Kibum.  He legs gave out from under him and he was suddenly sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of his children who piled into his lap, latching their arms around him in a desperate hug. 

“We thought the monster in my closet got you and took your place!”  Munhee said in all seriousness.

Kibum smiled at the thought process of children but thought in a way that Munhee wasn’t exactly wrong.  The festering resentment and frustration did seem to turn Kibum into something else, something that wasn’t the man that they had known, the man that Kibum had been before, something that was frightening to those who loved him: a monster.    

Coming back to his son Kibum smiled and tweaked the little boy’s nose lightly, something he had done many times in the past.  In an exaggerated manner, Kibum responded, “You know…” he said in an almost gasp, just like when he was reading them stories before bed, “…he did!  He must have snuck into our room in the middle of the night.  But your Papa came and fought him and got me back!”

Taemin snorted, before he nodded in sincere agreement when Munhee looked his way for affirmation.

“Good job Papa!” He called over to Taemin who stood looking down on this scene with a small sense of disbelief and an overwhelming sense of gratitude.   Munhee would not move from his place in Kibum’s lap, nor would Jinae.  Munhee looked at up his Appa and smiled, “You guys should buy a night light like mine!  It keeps the monsters away!”

“That sounds like a plan buddy,” Taemin said as he sat down on the floor in front of his family, one hand on the back of Munhee, patting it gently in acknowledgment of Munhee’s attempt to help in his own simple way. 

Neither of the children would leave Kibum’s side for the rest of the day until bedtime when Kibum laid them both to bed himself, with a story and a song for each, along with a promise that he would still be there in the morning, cross his heart and pinky swear-ed.    

Kibum shuffled into his bedroom and collapsed face first into the bed, one arm already flung across Taemin’s torso and knocking the book the man had been reading from his hands.

“Sorry.” He mumbled into the bed.

“It’s alright, I had just started chapter four anyway, at least I know the spot.”  Taemin said gently, tenderly grabbing Kibum’s hand within his own and relishing at the return of a common action, that hadn’t been too common recently.

“First thing tomorrow morning, I’m telling them that this is my last project with them.”  He announced decisively into his pillow.

“Sounds good,” Taemin said, twisting slighting and reaching over to gently massage Kibum’s shoulders.

“I’ve been a real haven’t I?”  Kibum said after some moments of quiet.  “My own kids were afraid of me.”

“I don’t think that they were really afraid of you.  They were just confused by how you were acting and children don’t really know how to handle something like that.  It’s the confusion that scared them, not what made them confused.”

Kibum smiled wryly, forcing himself up on arms and looking at Taemin.  “Don’t try and make me feel better, I’ve been an , it’s okay to say it.  But I’m going to do whatever I can to make up for it.”

Taemin leaned down and kissed Kibum gently on the lips.  “You don’t have to do anything more than be happy Kibum.  That’s all we want.”

“How did I get this lucky?”  He mused aloud, studying Taemin with the same intensity that Munhee had used on him earlier.  “I don’t deserve you.”  He mumbled, dropping his face back down into the pillow.

“Oh trust me, you deserve me.  I’ll be a right pain in your right back if you ever start acting like you have been again.”  Taemin leaned over and hissed semi-viciously into Kibum’s ear, “And you will totally deserve it.”

Kibum laughed, his bark of a laugh and Taemin’s heart raced at the long-missed sound.

The couple arranged themselves to go to sleep, on their sides facing each other, hands clasped together.  Just as Taemin was drifting off, he whispered, “I love you Bummie.”

Kibum leaned forward the couple of inches between them and lightly kissed Taemin on the forehead, “I love you too.”    

The sense of the relationship was still something fragile, Kibum thought, musing in the darkness of their room.  It had been tested and tested and tested over the past few months and despite everything that it seemed Kibum had been unknowingly doing to sabotage it, it remained standing.  The walls and traps that had been built up were suddenly gone though, and it would take some time for them to realize that they were still standing on solid ground.  The foundations had just endured a little tremor, but they were good and strong.    

Kibum thought of what the next few months would hold.  The project at the firm would take him into the new year, but then he would be rid of the biggest source of stress in his life.

‘I think I’ll just be an Appa for a while,’ he thought, remembering Jinae and Munhee’s faces and their chants of ‘He’s back!’ this afternoon.  Taemin was right.  They had plenty of money to continue to pay all of their bills and take care of their children.  They still received royalties from their time as members of SHINee, which Taesun had helped them to invest well so there was quite a nice cushion of money from their time as idols.  Not to mention the fact that Kibum’s job had paid rather well, as did Taemin’s.  They were more than alright financially, so there was nothing wrong with him taking some time to reconnect with his family, to watch his children grow up and care for them.   

And anyway, Kibum didn’t have to be steady.  He didn’t need to have the 9-5 job like everyone else.  He didn’t need to have the same things as everyone else and do the same things as everyone else.  He didn’t need to fit into the same mold as everyone else.  He just needed to be himself and take care of his family.  Their life had always been something outside of the norm anyway – why had he ever thought that he needed to conform to it in the first place? 

No, he didn’t have to be steady, because he had Taemin.  Taemin who was steady enough for the both of them, and would always be ready to pull Kibum back when he leaned too far out over the edge.

With that comforting though, Kibum finally drifted off to sleep, a slight smile gracing his face. 

I know all the Lockets probably hate me (don't please - I'm a locket too!), but just the way I see the characters it's kind of hard to see Taemin behaving this way.  It had to be Kibum. 

And I freaking love the kids in this one.  I was so happy writing the end because it just made me smile.  Especially after writing all the angst of their confrontation.

Also - Monster is coming up directly after this.  it's been written for a while now and now I finally get to post it!  Yay!

As always - please let me know what you think!  I know a lot of you are going to have some thoughts on this one!