I did just post up #29 so remember to go back and check out that one too!

#30 – Grace

Taemin’s heart pounded in his chest.  He was so incredibly nervous.  Every insecurity that he had once held but had grown to come to terms with seemed to be rushing back with a vengeance.

His physical therapist had given him the okay to start dancing again, but only for an hour a day.

He stood in the SHINee practice room, staring at himself in one of the multitudes of floor to ceiling mirrors that lined three of the four walls in the room.  This used to be the place that he felt the most comfortable.  The one thing that he was sure in with regards to his abilities and he knew that he could shine beyond the other members. 

He had stood there in those mirrors for fifteen minutes.  Not moving, not even twitching to the music he had set to play, that came pounding out of the speakers.  It was like he was frozen.  Stage fright without a stage. 

Unbeknownst to him, Kibum watched from the doorway, his eyes peeking up just enough to be able to see Taemin through the small square window that was placed in the middle of the door, and watching over his young love.

He watched as Taemin bit his lip and still failed to move and just knew that the young man was struggling and afraid. 

Key quietly slid the door open and slipped inside.  It was a statement of how out of it Taemin was right then that his newly hypervigilent senses didn’t pick up on Key’s entrance at all. 

When Key grabbed Taemin’s hand, the young dancer almost jumped out of his shoes as he jerked away and faced Kibum, eyes wide and breath short.

“Hey Tae…” Kibum said softly, eyes locking with Taemin’s as the wildness started to recede. 

“He-hey,” the dancer panted, “What are you doing here?”

“Just walking through and heard the music…”

A complete lie, but Taemin didn’t need to know that Key was following him around and trying to keep after him.  Taemin was slowly starting to regain his independence and he wouldn’t be happy to hear that Key still thought that he needed looking after.

“Uh yea…” Taemin scratched the back of his head.  “They said I could start up dancing again…”

“I know.” Key said slowly, “But you’re not…”

Taemin blushed scarlet.  He was found out. 

“I know…”

Key turned Taemin so that their bodies were facing each other, and made sure that Taemin’s face was staring dead at him. 

“What’s wrong Tae?  I would have thought you’d be jumping at the bit to get back to dancing…”

Taemin looked at Kibum, trying to express without words an entirely too complex emotion. 

“I was…I am,” he corrected.  “But…”  Taemin trailed off and stared at the floor.

Key grabbed his chin and forced it upwards so that Taemin would be looking him in the eye again.  “But…what?”  He placed his hands on Taemin’s shoulders and stepped closer, invading Taemin’s personal bubble.  “Why can’t you dance Tae?”

Taemin was silent, but with a sudden and violent huff, he forced Key’s hands off of his shoulders and stalked off towards the window on the other side of the room.  He leaned an arm against it and balanced his head against that arm – studying the world below and sighing again.

“Tae…”

“What if I’m not good anymore?  What if I’ll never be as good as I was?” Taemin interrupted suddenly.  “What good am I to SHINee if I can’t even dance?” He spun around and fear and anger and stress seemed to pour out of him, and poor Kibum was going to be the one hit with it. 

Taemin’s voice rose and got louder and he was suddenly glad that hardly anyone was around to hear him.  He couldn’t have stopped himself if he tried. 

“I’m the ‘dancing genius’ but what if that is gone?  What if all of the injuries are too much and I can’t be that anymore?” Taemin shoved his fingers in his hair and frustrated tears started to force their way out of his eyes.  “My position in SHINee is to be the main dancer…but if I can’t even do that anymore…why am I even here?”

“Taemin…” Kibum started, having moved closer to Taemin during his tirade and reaching up one hand to pat his back.

“No,” the young man interrupted, sidestepping his boyfriend.  “The past year you guys have been SHINee without me, you clearly don’t need my voice in order to be able to do well.  The only saving grave I have is my dancing…but what if…”

This time it was Key’s turn to interrupt the dancer.

“You stop right there!”  The rapper had one finger held aloft and pointing straight at Taemin’s face.  “First, you ordered us to promote without you!  And it’s not like we haven’t done that before!  Remember when Jonghyun was hurt?! I recall you taking on some of his lines then!”

Key planted his hands stoutly on his sharp hips.  “Just because we managed without you, doesn’t mean that we wanted to or that it was somehow better that way!  Because manage was all we did.  We missed the color of your voice in the harmonies, and the sheer dedication and fire that you would put into the dances – it just wasn’t there while you were gone.”

Key sighed, “We need you Tae!  Not your moves, you.  We need your energy back, your smile, your jokes, your goofy laugh…just you.  SHINee hasn’t been complete and we need you back!”

“You’re just saying that because you’re my boyfriend…”

“No, I’m saying it because it’s true!”  Key smacked his own leg in frustration.  “When have you ever known me to lie or sugarcoat anything?  I’m always the blunt one – honest to a fault.”  Key pulled Taemin’s face back around to meet his since they had both been looking elsewhere, “I’m telling you the truth, not as your boyfriend, but as your band mate and co-worker – we need you back.”   

“But if I can’t dance…”

Kibum threw his hands up in the air, “So what if you can’t dance?!”

Taemin started dumbfounded.  He didn’t know how to answer that, or if an answer was even expected.

Key sighed and reached out and pulled Taemin into a hug, needing to give comfort, and maybe needing a little comfort himself.  Patting the back of Taemin’s head as Taemin’s hand circled round his own waist, Key placed a small kiss to the dancer’s face, just beside his ear before whispering, “You are more than your dancing.  So much much more.”

“I’m afraid…” Taemin whispered back, so quietly that Key barely caught it.

Key made some soothing shushing sounds.  Slowly, he started to sway with Taemin on the spot, turning softly as they held each other close. 

“Look Taemin,” Key whispered, “we’re dancing now love.” 

Taemin snorted and finally stood back, wiping the tears away from his eyes.  “Not quite the same thing.”

Key just smiled anyway.  “It’s doesn’t matter Tae.”  And he used his thumbs to help Taemin wipe away the tears that had spilled out.  “I believe in you, and so do the rest of the guys.  We know that you’ll be just as great if not better than you were before.”

“You can’t know that!” Taemin said harshly, attempting to turn away.

But Kibum wouldn’t let him.  His hand whipped out and caught Taemin’s and he pulled the young man back to facing him. 

“We do know that Tae, and none of us doubt it.”  He smiled at Taemin, “In fact you’re the only one who does have doubts in your own ability right now.”

“How can you all be so sure?” Taemin asked quietly, staring at the ground.

“You have this incredible sense of grace that will never leave you.  In fact it will probably follow you for the rest of your life.  We’re going to be old men and I’ll probably be hobbling around with a cane and practically bent double, while you’ll likely be as light and spry as ever.”  Key laid one hand on Taemin’s cheek, “I believe in you and I know that you will be able to show that power and poise even if you don’t think you can right now.”

“Really?”  Taemin’s hesitant question suddenly reminded Kibum of the young fourteen-year-old who he had once found here, in this very room, crying because dancing was all he thought that he could do. 

“Positive.” He affirmed, trying to pour all of his love for the man into the smile that graced his face. 

Taemin grabbed out at Kibum’s hand and intertwined their fingers.  “Dance with me?”

Kibum smiled wider, if that was possible, “Always.”

And slowly Taemin was eased back into the practicing of dance.  They started with other idol dances that were relatively easy to copy, before moving on to the more complex dances that SHINee tended to perform. 

It was a month before the other members realized that Taemin was back in the studio, because Taemin didn’t want them to really know yet, not until he was more ready. But they stumbled in one day in between schedules to find Taemin, drenched in sweat and panting next to Key who breathed a little heavier than normal, but not by much. 

That moment told them several things.  How far Taemin was from his former self, as well as how dedicated he was to becoming that again, and bringing SHINee back together.  All of them started chipping in and helping the young man practice when they could.  And within a few months, he was allowed to practice for up to four hours a day, which was equal with his pre-attack levels.  He was still rebuilding stamina, and would be for well over a year, but it was a start and a great one at that.

Taemin needn’t have worried about a loss of grace, he was born to dance and Key and his friends would make sure that he was able to do so once again.  His injuries didn’t matter.  His fears didn’t matter.  None of the anxiety mattered.  Because his friends wanted him back with them, so he could enjoy the life that he had come to love once again.  His friends were willing to put in the same effort that he was every day to help him improve once again.   

He was lucky. 

Not many in his position could boast the support that he had.

And he refused to waste it.

Why does it seem like angst is so much easier to write than light-hearted stuff?  Maybe because my life really isn't that angsty...?  I dunno...