Update 3/3 for the night!

I think that this can be a companion piece to Echo (#14).  That one dealt with Key facing the thought that Taemin would be gone for college.  This isn’t what I was originally going to write, but after I wrote that one-shot, I decided to change this one, and just trust me – this is waaaaayyyyy better.

#24 – Isolation

Taemin stared out of his dorm room window on the grounds of the University of California - Los Angelos.  UCLA.  The SHINee dorm had really been an apartment that SM paid for.  So it was kind of a dorm in name only.  Now he really understood the concept of a dorm.  Barely enough space to breathe and constantly feeling like you were on top of other people and like nothing was truely your own, even though it was technically your property. 

He was twenty-three years old. He had been living away from his family for the majority of his strong memories.  He had been living in his own apartment with his lover for two years…but now he was in a 12 foot by 12 foot room with an eighteen-year-old who seemed so much like a baby to him. 

He was in a completely foreign culture to him.  He would have taken a trip to Korean Town, an ethnic community in LA that was the largest concentration of Koreans in the entire United States, but he was afraid of being recognized there.  After years of being spotted simply walking down the street and having to run for fear of a mob of fans chasing him down, it was a completely new concept to him to be able to walk down the street here in America without being recognized.  That was one thing that he liked.  He was able to walk around the city streets just like everyone else, without fear of being stalked or being followed by piercing squeals.  On the rare occasion that he was recognized, the fans stayed at a distance, choosing to film him or take pictures but seemingly unable to approach. 

And even if he went there…who did he know here?  Who did he know in the U.S.?  What would be the point for him to wander around a neighborhood all alone?  It would almost actually be worse, Taemin thought, to go some place that was so close to what he remembered from home, but still find himself feeling isolated because it is still something that he doesn’t know.  It would be cruel actually, for it to be so similar and him to still not be able to connect.  Maybe it was fear that kept him away, but he didn’t want to go through that.     

But everyone around him seemed to know that he wasn’t from here.  The second he would open his mouth, they would hear his accent and just know.  And that alone seemed to make some think twice before they approached him. 

Everything just felt slightly off-center.

The social hierarchies that were so important in Korea, the younger giving respect to the elder, could easily disappear here.  His roommate didn’t give him any mind for being five years older than, other than to mock him for being “so old” and only just starting college.  Never mind that Taemin had spent the majority of his life working harder than this boy likely would in his life, never mind that Taemin had accumulated a wealth that, if spent and invested wisely, could care for him for a couple of decades at least and was personally funding his education right now.

He would never have imagined treating a hyung that way, but it didn’t seem to even faze his roommate to do so.

And the work ethic that he saw students putting into their studies also didn’t seem to jive with the sheer force of will that parents forced into him and his classmates in Korea.  He was shocked to see people skipping classes and listened in astonishment when classmates whined about having no sleep after spending the entire night up to write a paper that had been assigned weeks ago. 

Even in the school cafeterias everything seemed strange.  He could easily go an entire week without seeing rice!  To someone who was used to eating rice morning, noon, and night this was a shocking fact.  It just felt wrong to not have rice available all of the time. 

Everything just seemed so strange.

Every day he saw something that drove home to him the fact that he was not from here, that this was not the country that he grew up in and the things around him were not what he knew. 

He felt alone.

There were almost 40,000 students on this campus, but he didn’t feel connected to a single one of them. 

He missed Kibum.

He missed his home, and his bed and his lover by his side. 

He missed that feeling of completion that was always there when he was in Korea.  He didn’t realize how much he depended on the mere presence of his family and friends everyday. 

He missed reaching out and grabbing Kibum’s hand in the middle of the night.  He missed the man’s laugh that would echo and fill the room, and still filled Taemin’s mind.  He missed the smell of lavender and fabric softener that would follow the lively man around.

Skype was alright – at least they could see each other for that – but it wasn’t good enough. 

In his classes he doesn’t speak much (too many people giggled at his accent on the first days when every single professor decided to have the students introduce themselves to the class).  He writes his notes and his stories and does his assignments, but he does not speak up unless the professor insists on making him speak. 

He’s not used to being quiet.  Conversation and debate had always been encouraged in him before, but he was too nervous about doing so now.  His home growing up, with two young boys, had never been a quiet one.  The SHINee dorm, with five young men in it had likewise never been a quiet place.  And his home with Kibum had been filled with laughter and talking and other sounds. 

But here he couldn’t bring himself to speak in English of his own choice.     

But he could write in it.  Oh could he write in it.  His teachers were impressed at his adeptness with the complicated and quirky language and encouraged him to write more and more and he dove into the practice because it made him feel connected to something in this strange land. 

He remembered thinking that he would be just fine coming over here, had told Kibum that he would be.  But the homesickness and the frustration with things that were so similar, but just not quite, were enough to drive any man insane. 

But for those few couple of hours when he saw Kibum every week on their webcams, he pretended that everything was alright.  That he was getting along fine, and had tons of friends.

Truth was, he didn’t.

Truth was, he wished that just one person would take a second to talk to the international student for longer than the time it took to arrange for a group project. 

Taemin sighed and ran a finger down a worn and bent photo of Kibum that he usually kept in his wallet, but was spending more and more time free of those confines these days as the young man's eyes desperately sought out the image for comfort.

He missed Kibum so terribly.  It was a constant ache in his chest.  They had been together for seven years and hardly apart during that time but for a few days here and there.  To be separated from him for this long – it was almost beyond comprehension how much he yearned for Kibum.  For his gentle touch, which could sometimes be a teasing pinch.  For his loud voice, that could also be breathless and light with the passion of their love making.  For his scent that Taemin had become so accustomed to that he didn’t even notice it…until it wasn’t there anymore. 

The young man put the picture back in his wallet and stood up, collecting his books and homework for his next class. 

He tried to look on the bright side.

In four years he will have a degree from a great school that could actually take him beyond the life of a former idol, and give him another career that he could be proud of, one that could actually take him into old age. 

Besides, maybe today would be the day that someone spoke to him without prompting from a professor. 

Taemin smiled and left his dorm for the trek across campus. 

Yes, he decided, today was going to be that day, because he would make it so.  He would strike up the conversation.  And as he nodded hello to perfect strangers on the sidewalk, he felt for a moment like he was channeling Kibum, with the man’s outgoing attitude.  And suddenly he didn’t feel so alone and isolated after all…    

Alrighty - that's what I have for you right now.  Now I'm tried and it's time for bed for me. 

Happy reading and please comment!