I would love it if any of the SHINee guys would do this one day...or honestly, if any idol would do this.

#36 – Veneer

Taemin stared at the computer screen with a sense of trepidation.  In the middle of the screen a grey box had popped up, waiting for his ‘OK’ on the file that he had set to print. 

He was still amazed that he had done it.

While in university he had played around with the idea of writing a memoir or something of the kind.  In one of his writing classes he had been asked to write about a turning point in his life, and Taemin had written about his audition for SM when he was still in elementary school.  That was the first time he had ever used his writing to explain about himself, and he was surprised at who much he had enjoyed it.

Over the years he had written different parts of his story.  He had told the realities of being an idol, and not just the glamorous face that they were all made to put to it.  The joys of performing and seeing all of the screaming fans cheering out their names, and the exhaustion of having to work from before the sun goes up until long after the sun went down.  And twining in along the way in the tale was his story with Kibum.  Actually trying to puts words to his love for the older man had probably been the hardest part, trying to explain what his soul just instinctively knew – he still didn’t think that he had gotten it right, but what else was there to do?

Taemin sighed and ran his hand through his hair, right hand poised on his mouse, but unable to bring his finger down to click to button that would send his story to print. 

He’d spent seven years writing this book and it didn’t seem possible that he had managed to complete this despite, his job, and his life with Kibum, and the bouncing happiness of their three-year-old daughter Jinae.  In the midst of all the hectic-ness that was his life, he had somehow managed to piece together enough time to write out his story – as it really was.

There was already something of a stink rising in the inner-circles of the music industry as the rumor grew that Taemin was writing about his experience, completely unvarnished with none of the pleasant little smoke screens that they had been presenting to the public for years.  And Taemin had talked to plenty of people who were still in the industry, they were still his friends, and many of them had their perspectives in the book.

It was something of a tell-all.  Letting the public know for certain what had been openly suspected for years.

Being an idol wasn’t the glitz and glamour, it was a harsh world where your own individuality could easily fade away and usually had to be hidden from the fans.

He had spoken with his own family about what it was like to see Taemin going through training.

“As your Umma, I never wanted to see you go through pain, and every night you would come back exhausted.  I wanted to pull you out of that horrid place so many times…”

“Why didn’t you?”

“You cried when I tried, always asking for just one more day.”

*****

He had spoken with friends he had made during the training process, including the ones who didn’t make it, who never became part of a group and never got to shine on stage and show off their talent.

“Do you regret all those years?”

“Never a one.  That experience made me who I am today, and taught me how to persevere through anything to focus on what I really wanted in life.”

“Looking back now, knowing what you do now, what would you have done if you’d been offered a part in a group?”

“That’s a difficult question.  Because the teenage me would have jumped at the chance, and even well into my early twenties I still would have… But now…I’ve seen the lives you guys lived, and what you have to sacrifice in order to get there – and I would never be able to have the life that I have today if I had been an idol star…  So looking back – no, I would hope that I would turn it down, but the experience was still invaluable.”

*****

He had even spoken to idols, some still producing, who demanded that their names be changed or not included, or who wanted to read what Taemin had written before anyone else saw it to make sure that nothing that could indicate who it was reared it’s head.

“Have things changed do you think?  From when you started as an idol to now?”

“Some things, but not by much.  The big companies still pluck trainees at entirely too young of an age, and we are made to become something we’re not at a young enough age that we grow up thinking that that image really is who we are…  The hours are too long and our health suffers for it – I’ve had this cold for two months now because I can never rest long enough to allow my body the time that it needs to heal itself.”

“What do you want to change the most?”

“We need to let idols be themselves more, have more time to rest and just be them.  They can still have their images on shows and in performance, but they need more downtime to recharge.  It would make all of their performances better in the long run I would think.”

*****

Needless to say, many music moguls were unhappy with Taemin seeking to publish this work and had tried to convince him to stop.  Everything from threatening to sue to outright bribery to convince him to cease the writing of his book.

But the law was on Taemin’s side, and the publishers were primed to make a fortune once it hit the streets and were willing to provide their own lawyers to back up the former-idol. 

And then there was Kibum.  Always ready to help by reading a line or suggesting a better word.  And always, always encouraging him to keep writing it, to keep at it, even when it cut into their precious alone time together, Kibum never scolded him for focusing on the book instead of him (okay maybe a couple of times over the years…let’s be honest…but it was a rare occurrence). 

Speaking of Kibum, the older man had come in to Taemin’s office to see what was taking the man so long.  He had promised that he would be right to bed just after he printed his final proof for the publisher. 

He wrapped his long arms around his lover and placed his hand over Taemin’s on the mouse, pushing down Taemin’s finger and finally allowing the file to print.

Taemin sighed.

“Do you think it’s good?”

Kibum squeezed Taemin’s hand gently and whispered in the man’s ear, “I think it’s brilliant, and the publishing company thinks so too.  And in the next few months, the people of Korea will get to read it to and find out what I’ve known for years.”

Taemin turned his chair to face Kibum, the sound of his printer working overtime acting as background noise.

“And what’s that?” He asked, sliding his hands around Kibum’s waist and resting his head on the designer’s abdomen. 

Kibum laid his arms across Taemin’s shoulders, allowing his hands to rest above Taemin’s shoulder blades. 

“That you are more than a pretty face.  More than just someone who dances incredibly well.  You are the most talented person I know, and you see things so clearly where the rest of us throw up blinders.”  Kibum lifted Taemin’s head up so that they were looking each other in the eye, “You are stripping the veneer off of the idol world and letting them see what all of it is really about.  And they’ll get to know you.  Not the image you had when SHINee was active, not the one that the press has created to derail you and help bash the issue of homouality.  But just you, as you are…”

He pulled Taemin out of his chair, “I think it’s beautiful Tae.”

The sound of paper jamming suddenly killed their mood.

Taemin groaned and turned around to fix the printer.  It had jammed while printing the last page, which in reality was the first page, the cover page, as his printer was sent to print from the last page to the first page.  Instead of his title, Into the Rabbit Hole: the RealLife of a Hallyu Star, he saw his dedication page. 

To my family, who has supported me through everything, even when they didn’t entirely approve.

To the members of SHINee, who protected me with everything they could and helped me grow into the man I am today.

To my daughter Jinae, who lights up everyday just by being there.

And to my Kibum, who has fought with me and for me through everything and for some reason still seems to want me around.

Thank you all for everything – I wouldn’t be here today without all of you.

Taemin smiled before clearing the jam and finally getting the last page to print before taking the whole stack and sliding it into a manila envelope that he would personally deliver to the publishers in the morning. 

Leaving it on the desk and powering down his computer he finally left with Kibum to join the older man in bed. 

Comments? Questions? Concerns?  I'm all ears...