It has been another week without seeing him, a week in which I have woken up the same way every day, with my heart beating too fast and Hyunseong invading my thoughts. Every night he appears in my dreams, those usually kind and warm looking eyes filled with nothing but sadness and pain, he is always wearing that hurt look. And every night I do nothing, even in my dreams I am too scared to move or talk to him. 

I am so messed up, it seems that the more I try to forget about him the more my mind wants to remember him. I haven’t gone to the club or my shelter because I know he will be there. Thankfully my dad is still out of the town doing some business so and my mom doesn’t care if I don’t go to the club.

I can’t even go to my favorite music store now, just looking at the beautiful instruments on the inside and thinking about the white C.Bechstein L167 grand piano that I love so much. Just because of those simple actions a bunch of memories quickly invades my mind.

The way Hyunseong would smile while listening to me singing. How his black eyes would look expectantly at me waiting for the next note to be played. How he would hum from time to time to accompany my melodies and his singing voice, that beautiful voice. 

That time when Hyunseong asked me to teach him a little bit of piano and we stayed in the store for hours. I still remember how he placed his hand on top of mine on the piano out of the blue and the warmth that is palm gave me. I remember my heart beating like crazy and my face warming up so fast that I pretty much had to run out of the store to calm down.

I feel a stinging pain in my chest because of my thoughts. DAMN!! Why is it so hard to stop thinking about him?? It is like everything reminds me of the times we spent together. Why can't I get him out of my head?? Why does it hurt so much just trying to forget you Hyunseong??

Why does it hurt so much to remember your sad eyes?? Why does my heart feel hollow all of the sudden?? Is it because I am not seeing you?? Why do I have this huge need of listening to your voice?? Why does it hurt more than anything I have felt before?? Why do I miss you so much??

I move from my bed and reach for my cellphone before getting ready for school, no new messages or missed calls AGAIN. My heart sinks at this. Hyunseong would usually leave a couple of messages during the night, which I never open I just see the notifications, but it has already been three days since his last message. WHAT AM I THINKING?? STOP IT JEONGMIN!! JUST, STOP IT.

As soon as I arrive to school, I sit on my desk facing the window, at the huge gates of the building. I feel a tug on my heart when I remember Hyunseong standing on those same doors. STOP!! JUST GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! I quickly look away to see the science teacher who is explaining something about guinea pigs.

The day goes by slowly, too slowly if you ask me and by the time lunch break comes and I go to my usual spot, the rooftop, I am a total mess. I tried to focus on my lessons and ignore the lack of messages on my cellphone. I really tried to pay attention to my teacher but it was useless.

So, this means it is over, rigth? Our … well our friendship. All the time we spent together, his honest and kind words, the smiles and laughs we shared, when we sat in my shelter doing nothing but enjoy each other’s company, his bear like hugs.

I let out a big sigh and sit on the floor. IT IS OK JEONGMIN, THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED. Everything is now on the past for him, even the nights he would hug me tightly until I fell asleep and even the sweet kisses that made my heart flip.

I bet he is better now without me. He has a lot of friends and a lot of people that cares for him, he should be whit them. IT IS OK, EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.

My phone rings and I quickly check it out only to see the captain’s name on the screen. I pout slightly and just ignore the call. A part of me was hoping that Hyunseong would be the one calling. My phone rings again and it is still the captain. What does he want?? Really, doesn’t he know I am on school??

I ignore the call once again and go back to class, just as I sit down my phone rings again. Damn!! What does he want?? Why is he even calling ME of all people?? After half an hour of my phone ringing nonstop, I make a lame excuse and get out of my classroom.

My phone rings again and I pick it up “What happened?? This better be important” I answer to the annoying captain.

“Jeongmin!! Do you know where is Hyunseong??”

My heart stops for a second because of his name. “What?? Hyu..Hyunseong??” Damn, why am I stuttering?? It is just a name.

“His dad is looking for him and I have no idea where he is” the captain’s voice sounds really worried.

“His dad??” Hyunseong’s dad is in town?? Since when??

“I thought Hyunseong was with his dad since Wednesday because he wasn’t answering his phone but no one knows where he is. Has he contacted you??”

No one knows where he is?? What?? Hyunseong will never worry his friends or family like this. What is going on??!!

“I haven’t heard for him, we …” my voice breaks and I need to take a deep breath before keep going “we haven’t been in contact lately” my heart feels so heavy while saying those words. It is like saying it out loud makes real the fact that Hyunseong is not part of my days anymore.

“I know but I just thought maybe he went to see you” Wait!! The captain knows?? What does he know??

“What exactly do you know??” Hyunseong couldn’t have told him what happened between us in my shelter, rigth?? He couldn’t know about those times we slept next to each other, rigth?? I gulp.

“That is not important right now, just let me know if you hear from him, ok??” he says hurriedly and hangs up before I can say another word.

I put my phone on my pocket and run my hands through my hair, tugging at the back of it for a second before dropping my hands and letting a big sigh out.

Hyunseong, what the hell?? Where are you?? Why aren’t you answering your phone?? DAMN IT!! WHY DO I HAVE THIS NEED TO RUN OUT OF HERE AND GO TO LOOK FOR YOU?? DAMN!! DAMN!! DAMN!! JEONGMIN, YOU CAN’T!!

I turn around to go back to my class but before I can take another step I see a tall man with a kind smile walking through the hallway at my right. WHAT!! THIS CAN’T BE!!

“Hyunseong” my voice comes out like a whisper not even with a quarter of the strength I intended to.

“Hyunseong!” I call for him again but the man turns around the corner and disappears.

WAIT!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?? DON’T GO AWAY!!

I start to run in the direction that the man disappeared and turn around the corner to see his broad back walking down the hallway.

“Hyunseong! Wait!” I yell while finally catching up and holding his arm so he is forced to face me.

When I look at his face I immediately let go of the man’s arm and bow deeply at him. “Seongsaenim, I am really sorry. I thought you were someone else” I say to my music teacher, Kim Hyung Soo, who looks startled. DAMN!! I THINK I JUST WENT CRAZY!! I confused Hyung Soo Seongsaenim with Hyunseong!!

“Don’t worry about it” he says while smiling and I notice his resemblance with Hyunseong. Their smiles are very similar but his is lacking the characteristic warmth of Hyunseong’s smile and his eyes don’t shine the way Hyunseong’s would while smiling.

“You were looking for your friend, right??” my teacher words wake me up from my thoughts. Friend?? Does Hyunseong still consider me as his friend??

“He …we ….. well ….. yeah, I am looking for him” I let out my words and I quickly look down.

“You need to tell him what you feel” my teacher says with a kind smile and understanding in his eyes.

WHAT??!! WHAT!! What is Hyung Soo Seongsaenim talking about?? He can’t know!! There is no way he knows!! No one knows that I love Hyunseong. 

WAIT!! I….

I LOVE HYUNSEONG??

I LOVE…. HYUNSEONG!!

I… I DO! I LOVE HIM!

“You look really sad while thinking about him, you need to sort out your differences. You are both good friends after all” my teacher keeps talking. 

“Thank you seongsaenim, really thank you!!” I say quickly before running away and leaving him standing in the middle of the hallway. I could hear his voice becoming more distant with every step I take “Jeongmin!! Where are you going?? You have to go back to class”

How can I have been SO FREAKING SCARED ALL THIS TIME?? SO FREAKING BLIND?? I HAVE BEEN SUCH A COWARD!! SO SCARED AND WEAK ALL THE TIME!! SCARED OF WHAT I FEEL!! BUT NOT NOW!! NOT ANYMORE!!

Facing the fact that I love Hyunseong and all the consequences that comes with it scared me but there is something I am more scared of …... NOT HAVING HIM WITH ME.

Not knowing how he is doing, if he is all right, if he is happy. Not seeing his beautiful smile, not being able to hear his melodious voice or feel his warm and strong arms involving around me. Not looking into those deep black eyes and lost myself in them.

I know why my heart beats faster every time he smiles at me and why I smile back at him every single time. I know why I want to hear his voice saying sweet words or singing at the top of his lungs. I know why I got jealous of people being too close to him at times. I know why I enjoy when he holds my hand. I know why I feel so safe in his embrace and I know why I want time to stop when he kisses me.

I know exactly why I am running like I have never had before towards my shelter…. I know why I have felt everything from love to hate for him, and only for him, all of the happiness and all of the pain.

It is all because I love him. 

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