I walk this empty street, on the boulevard of broken dreams.

11^th September 2020

What’s the difference between a substitute and a backup? Being a substitute you replace the person while a backup is only used when you need them, or else they are forgotten. So which do you prefer? Being someone’s substitute or a backup?

For Sehun, he prefers neither. If given a choice, he doesn’t even want to be Kai’s substitute. But he didn’t have a choice because he can’t sing as well as Kyungsoo or Chen, neither can he rap like Chanyeol. Even his better than average dance skills can’t be compared to Kai and Lay. The only thing that he was better in was his outward appearance; the almost perfect sharp features and model-like body. But in the case of Exo when you have 11 other members who are also good looking, his only advantage over the others were once again shadowed. And being in a company like SM, you should never be an average like him. Because this would be the treatment you receive when you are neither here nor there – not being treated as an individual, not being respected and constantly being judged.

Throughout the years, the fortress he had built around himself was not only to shield his sensitive heart from getting hurt by relationships but also from such situations. He had gone through all this when he first debut where Kai took all of the limelight when they were both were known as the dancing machines of Exo K. Of course he felt upset and angry over the unfair treatment but he slowly learnt that there was nothing he could do. He did thought of talking to Mr Lee Soo Man about it but what good does it do to him? In the eyes of others, he would be the member who’s jealous of Kai because he has more teasers than him.

And that was when he learnt that everyone in this world wears a mask that hides their true thoughts. They could be nice to him, telling him that he was the best among all but at the end of the day the same words would be used on some other member as well. And that was also when he started to loathe the world as he became increasingly quiet as the days go by. He had long lost the old Oh Sehun who was capable of laughing, talking and even cracking jokes.

Sitting by his room’s window, Sehun stared at Venice scenery with his dull eyes. A mocking grin could be seen on his handsome face even though the room was in total darkness. Now he’s not even a substitute, he was a backup. Not even Kai’s backup, it was Exo’s backup. A backup for the 11 others. Looks like he had wasted his youth and trained for 5 years just to be a backup, their backup. He laughed at his own stupidity thinking that he could avoid being judged if he kept a low profile and did things they wanted him to do. But he was wrong. So so wrong.

The waves of depressed feelings drowned him in the blackhole that he fell into. He felt as though he could no longer breathe. He was dying to talk to her, he knew that he would definitely feel better if he sees her. He knew that he would be able to breathe again but his ego side didn’t allow him. He still wanted to wait for her to initiate contact between them.

Grabbing his room key, the blonde male staggered out of his room. He desperately needed his fresh air with a little nicotine. That would probably help him to breathe properly again.

******

“So tell me, how many relationships do you have before this?” Kai’s hot breadth was blowing on Aleyah’s neck when he asked her that. His head was leaning on her shoulder as they cuddled on her bed.

Instinctively, she stiffened. The last thing she wanted now was to touch on the relationship subject because in between them laid an untouchable topic. “Why do you want to know?”

“I’m just curious. And I want to know everything about you.”

“There’s nothing interesting about my history.” She replied blandly, hoping that he would drop this topic.

“Everything about you is interesting to me. So just tell me.”

Aleyah sighed, she knew there was no way for her to change the topic anymore. “I have none.”

“None?” Kai sat up and looked at her.

“Yeah none, why are you so surprised?”

“It’s just… unbelievable.” The man scratched the back of his head as he smiled, she knew he was being shy. “Someone like you should have many suitors. I can’t believe I’m your first.”

The lady simply shrugged at his words. To her, it wasn’t surprising at all. If he could read her thoughts, he probably would be able to believe why was he her first.

“Thank you for letting me be your first.” He embraced her tightly as he swallowed some words that he wanted to say. As much as he wanted to promise her that he would love her right but he’s aware that he’s not in the position to say that now. But someday he knows he will.

“Don’t be silly,” she chuckled at his adorableness and pushed him away playfully, “What’s there to thank me for?”

“As of now, thank you for giving me your first love.”

“And also your first kiss.” Kai reached in and planted his soft, warm lips on hers. Their lips moved together sweetly with his hand holding her head as he pressed their faces even closer. Her soft and sweet lips made him smile like always. She could feel him smiling in between the kiss, sometimes even when they break away to breathe. But it didn’t take them long to lock their lips again as their tongues danced in that small cavity they closely share; their hands tangled around each other’s body.

The ringing of the doorbell pulled the lovebirds back to the reality world. They looked at one another with their flushed faces as they panted, trying to decipher if the doorbell was really ringing.

“Someone’s at the door.” Aleyah’s voice was filled with panic when the doorbell rang for the second time. She hurriedly pushed Kai off her as she scurried off the bed.

“Just ignore it. The person will leave if you don’t open the door.” In contrast to her uneasiness, he was so calm that he just propped himself on her bed lazily.

“No. What if its work?” Dragging the man off her bed, she hid him at a corner of the room. “Don’t come out okay?”

With that she went to open the door and it didn’t make her feel any less nervous when she saw Sehun standing outside.

“Hey Sehun.” She tried to sound as normal as possible but her tone was a pitch higher than usual. Her hormones were still frenzy from the intense kissing she had with Kai earlier.

“Are you free?” He looked at her helplessly, he was too suffocated to realize her odd behavior.

His lifeless gaze did give Aleyah quite a shock, “Sehun-ah….”

“Just for a while? Please…”

“Okay, let me grab my coat. Wait for me at the lift lobby. Don’t go anywhere else okay?” Like a lost boy, Sehun nodded and stepped away with his shoulders slumped.

“What does Sehun wants?” Kai heard his voice and he wasn’t happy that he’s coming to her room to look for her. And he was even more unhappy that he interrupted them when they were in the middle of something.

“Something’s wrong with him.” Aleyah grabbed her coat from the chair before she went to Kai, “Go back to your room first? I will call you when I’m back alright?”

With that, she pecked his plump lips hastily and stranded him in her empty room.

******

Aleyah and Sehun walked alongside each other, none of them spoke a word. It wasn’t hard for one to realize that something was wrong with the blonde male. He was just wearing his light blue button down over a thin tank top in this cold weather as he kept smoking, chaining one stick after another till they reach the famous Rialto Bridge that was surprisingly empty.

He flipped open his cigarette box and took out another stick but she reached out just in time to stop him, “Enough Sehun.”

“At this rate you are smoking, you are going to kill yourself before your thoughts kill you.” She took his cigarette box away from him as she continued, “Let me ask you, is a gun more deadly or a thought?”

Sehun didn’t understand her question. He knew that it carries a deeper meaning but he just couldn’t figure out the link between those two subjects in her sentence. So he picked the gun as his answer instinctively.

“Nope. A gun gives you the opportunity but a thought pulls the trigger.”

He still couldn’t figure out the point in the lady’s message so he just kept repeating her sentence in his head. Till probably the 5^th time that he chanted to himself, he lifted his eyes to look at her properly for the first time that day. He finally figured out what she was trying to tell him.

“How did you know?” She knew that he was killing himself with his own thoughts.

“It’s not difficult to tell.” Aleyah gave him a small smile when she saw a slight sparkle behind those dull eyes of his, “Care to share?”

The blonde male nodded as he poured out his unhappiness, aggrieved and resentment he buried within himself for the past 10 years or so. How he was constantly being judged and how he found out that he was merely just a backup. Before the lady laid Sehun’s truest inner self; even he himself was shocked at how much he opened up to her, revealing the most inner part of his broken soul that he didn’t knew ever existed. His sensitive heart knew that his fears were safe with her because she doesn’t judge like others. Because she’s Aleyah.

“It’s always the people who know the least about you who judge you the most” Silence engulfed both of them after his confession. He expected her to comfort him or tell him that everything would be fine. But he was wrong once again. He had forgotten that she was the lady who was capable of saying something really small and it fits right into this empty place in your heart.

“Remind yourself that it’s okay not to be perfect Sehun.”

“Look at you now, you’re young and yet you’re so scared. Why are you even so scared? Don’t be paralyzed. Don’t wallow your words. Don’t care about what other people think. Wear what you want, say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it out loud and dance to it like how you want to. Live now. Do it now. This life is yours. You can do whatever you want because you are not born to live in the shadows of someone.”

“I know it’s easier said than done. Making a big life change is pretty scary. But you know what’s even scarier? Regret.”

Often than not, we do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals deep inside us something is valuable. That was the case for Sehun now. The lady didn’t need to comfort him with the most flamboyant words but in between those lines that she told him earlier, consisted her most genuine support for him to be himself again. That was all he needed right now.

And that was also all it takes to make him fall in love with this extraordinary individual before him again. He was glad that his legs disobeyed his command and carried him to her room or there was no way he could breathe so easily now.

“People will stare, so make their stare worthwhile. Because Oh Sehun is worthy of it.”

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