Ch. [29]
Blue Tomorrow
Half an hour after Hyukjae had a crisis, doctors tried their best to make him stable again and they finally got it, relatively, since they induced a kind of deep dream for Hyukjae not to feel and cheat on his body to keep producing the nutrients the baby needed.
Kyuhyun was finally allowed to go inside, finally after half an hour of pure torture.
Jihyun was also allowed inside and even when Kyuhyun never told her not to come in, he wasn’t talking to her either, probably afraid that he would yell at her all over again.
Kyuhyun and Jihyun were dressed all in blue, using mouth covers and small hats with gloves that protected Hyukjae from getting an infection. Doctors allowed them because Kyuhyun knew, they thought Hyukjae would die and it would be the last time Kyuhyun would have to see his beloved and his baby relatively alive.
Jihyun walked slowly after Kyuhyun, watching how his son, went to Hyukjae’s side and leaned down to kiss Hyukjae’s forehead even with a piece of clothe in between.
Chaerin was taken to another part of the hospital because she wasn’t allowed in that department. She would be with the other kids and she would also be treated by a psychologist.
Kyuhyun looked at Hyukjae and cried silently, caressing his forehead and cheek lovingly, hating hoe the glove made him impossible to touch him. He let go of his tears, biting the inside of his cheeks to content his loud cries and he wanted to die only seeing Hyukjae’s pale and white skin, those almost blue lips and those tired eyelids.
Kyuhyun caressed Hyukjae’s hair gently before looking down at his covered womb. He wanted to cry harder but he couldn’t be weak in that moment. Not when Hyukjae was being this strong for him. He leaned down and kissed Hyukjae’s womb softly, carefully, as if it would break in any minute.
Jihyun took her hands to and cried silently, watching how much Kyuhyun loved that man lying on the hospital bed without moving, with machines and strange substances connected to him to any vein the doctors could get.
Kyuhyun took Hyukjae’s hand carefully, caressing it gently as he kneeled down by the side of the bed and clasped his hands together, Hyukjae’s one in between.
He started praying softly, closing his eyes and feeling Hyukjae’s cold hand in between his. He squeezed it gently and asked to god to please save his beloved’s life and his baby’s. Kyuhyun’s tears slid down endlessly from his closed eyes, keeping his prays for Hyukjae, pressing Hyukjae’s hand against his because he just wanted his body to regain the warmth Kyuhyun liked so much.
Jihyun saw his son, crying for a man he hated so much before. She walked ahead and kneeled by Kyuhyun’s side silently, also reaching her hands up and clasping them together, lowering her head and closing her eyes as she started praying with Kyuhyun.
Kyuhyun could hear his mother’s voice also praying for Hyukjae and he felt slightly contented, because maybe God will listen to them if there was more than one person praying.
Kyuhyun spent another half an hour praying before standing up and kissing Hyukjae’s forehead again, caressing his hair gently with his free hand because he wasn’t going to let go of his hand.
“This has happened before,” Kyuhyun said in a low whisper as his eyes locked in Hyukjae’s pale face and his free hand still caressed his hair lovingly.
Jihyun stood up and looked at her son confused, not talking because somehow, she felt she wasn’t the deserver to talk.
“You didn’t know him,” Kyuhyun started, and Jihyun could see how his tears hadn’t ended yet. “I loved him, I loved him so much that I wanted to leave everything only to be with him,” he continued. “But he was afraid of you and our family and he never dared to accept me fully, he was afraid and even when he gave me the ‘yes’ when I asked him to get married, he still was afraid of you,” Kyuhyun closed his eyes for a second, feeling Hyukjae’s hand over his and feeling somehow calmer. “He also got pregnant,” he continued and it would be a lie if he says he didn’t hear the soft gasp his mother let out. “But he didn’t want the baby, he didn’t want to get involved with our family and he went to get rid of it, of my baby,” Kyuhyun’s voice broke.
“K-Kyuhyun…,” Jihyun called feeling a pang in her heart seeing her son so broken.
“He also died that day, I lost them both,” Kyuhyun said and turned up to his mother. “But Hyukjae is different,” he said. “He’s strong, he can fight against anything because he always gives his all and it’s not afraid. He can defend his love and he’s doing it. Even when he has been tormented by us he still fights, he still keeps strong,” Kyuhyun swallowed and his shaky voice echoed into the room. “Hyukjae is bearing my baby… he is doing it blissfully simply because he loves me and he loves the product of our love. He’s willing to fight again because he believes in us.”
Jihyun looked down. “I-I didn’t know y-you-”
“Of course you didn’t,” Kyuhyun said coldly. “You would have tormented him, just the way you did with Hyukjae,” he said and pursed his lips, even when his mother couldn’t see him. “But Hyukjae stood for it. He fought because he loved Siwon and he was willing to swallow all his pride to be with him,” he said firmly. “And now he’s fighting for me, he’s going through even more pain now but he’s still fighting. Do you know how easy it would be for him to just take my money and walk away? I would have give it to him willingly. But he stayed. He stayed even when he knew he would suffer again,” he looked at Hyukjae and tears slid down his handsome face. “He loves me mother,” he whispered. “And I love him, I would give my life if I could trade it for them…”
Jihyun looked up to see how his son was now looking at the man in the bed with so much love and caring that she had never seen before. She saw how Kyuhyun leaned down and kissed his lips gently, whispering soft ‘I love you’s for him. His thumb was running up and down Hyukjae’s back of his hand, as if wanting to give back the warmth to his body. “I know he loves you,” she said and felt her chest tightening at her own words. “I just-”
“Hyukjae told me,” Kyuhyun cut her. “He told me how hard is for a mother to think their children are leaving. He told me he understood you completely because he was sure he would be dying when Chaerin found someone she loved,” he smiled gently. “He just didn’t understand why you hated him so much when the only thing he was trying to do was to make us happy.”
Jihyun found herself unable to answer to that. There was a knot in that made her unable to even articulate one word. “I-” she looked down. “He’s making you happier than I ever made you…,” she admitted and Kyuhyun could see it. How his mother was tired, how she was trying too hard.
Kyuhyun kissed Hyukjae’s hand gently before leaving it there and walking to his mother that now seemed to be way smaller than ever. “You’re my mother, your solely existence makes me happy,” he said and hugged her mother tightly, feeling how the woman cried against his chest. “And I love you, I will never be able to choose because there is no one that will be able to replace you… Hyukjae knew that, he knew how much we both, Siwon and I loved, you. He never asked me to take his side, he loved us so much that he was willing to share.”
Jihyun closed her eyes and cried harder against Kyuhyun’s chest.
“Siwon is gone now,” Kyuhyun continued and he felt his own tears falling down. “But he also loved you, with all his heart and soul,” he said. “He was always worried about you, always asking me if you were fine or if you were eating well. You have no idea how much he wanted to be with you and how hurt he was that we couldn’t accept Hyukjae.”
Jihyun sobbed loudly. No mother ever wants to be reminded of her son’s death because that’s a pain no one will ever understand. She missed Siwon, she missed when the other called her to ask her if she would like to go and have lunch together, only the two of them because he knew she didn’t like Hyukjae. She missed those times in which Siwon smiled at her even after she just talked bad about his wife and daughter. She craved to yell how much she loved him and how much she wanted him to come back and invite her out again. She wanted to scream to the world that she loved her son, more than anything else to the world.
But Siwon was gone and Jihyun had to face the biggest suffering the world had to offer.
Children are supposed to bury their parents, not the way around.
But life is unfair and her family had learnt that the hard way.
“I’m sorry Kyuhyun,” she apologized whole heartedly. “Because of me… your baby and-”
“It’s not your fault,” Kyuhyun quickly said, pushing away slightly and looking at his mother’s tired eyes. “He couldn’t fight for me… but Hyukjae is, so please accept him.”
Jihyun gasped and looked away. “Kyuhyun, this-”
Kyuhyun kissed his mother’s forehead. “I’ll call someone to pick you up. You need to have some rest and eat something,” he said and hugged her one more time. “Come back after Hyukjae wakes up. He will, soon, and he will be carrying our baby, come and meet it, please come and greet when they are both healthy…”
And Kyuhyun’s voice cracked again as Jihyun nodded. “I will,” she promised and Kyuhyun smiled weakly.
“He will be fine… right?” Kyuhyun asked, looking at Jihyun’s eyes trying to find the hope he was gripping so hard on. “He’s going to be okay and my baby is going to be healthy… they will be fine… right?”
Jihyun looked into his son’s eyes. She had never seen him so desperate and she could only nod. “They will,” she assured, even when she knew it was going to be too difficult. “You will walk out of here together.”
Kyuhyun smiled weakly behind the piece of cloth covering his lips. “You’re right,” he said nodding slowly. “Hyukjae is strong, he will protect our baby and himself. He knows I love him. He knows I can’t live without him.”
Jihyun simply nodded, restraining her tears because if something happened, Kyuhyun wouldn’t stand it again. She never imagined the pain he had gone through silently. It was all her fault ever since the beginning that Kyuhyun was that unhappy and vulnerable. She caressed her son’s cheek softly. “They’ll be fine,” she promised and Kyuhyun let go of his tears.
“I know,” Kyuhyun repeated. “I know he’s going to be okay and he will protect our baby…”
But deep inside, Jihyun knew her son wasn’t believing his own words, neither hers or the doctors’. She knew Kyuhyun needed something to give him hope and she could do nothing for him but tell him that everything was going to be okay.
When Jihyun walked to leave the room, she turned around only to see Kyuhyun taking Hyukjae’s hand between his again, gently kissing his pale lips and whispering sweet words of love to Hyukjae and then to the unborn baby grasping to life inside the other.
Kyuhyun was vulnerable, so vulnerable and broken that Jihyun couldn’t stand it looking at him like that. She went out after she saw Kyuhyun breaking down in tears by Hyukjae’s side, holding his hand steady as he let out of his frustrations.
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