Taeyeon’s POV

School started with us attending ‘head start classes’ for repeat students and honestly, those classes were pretty much useless. Teachers treated us like how one would treat a misbehaving 7 year old child, assuming that we are rebellious people. The school seemed to have the mentality that all repeat students do not have discipline over themselves, always coming late to school or skipping classes, which were the reasons why we did not make it to the second year in the first place.

“It is only the first week of school but look at the number of people standing outside the gate! And I am sure that more than half of those people standing outside belong to this group on my right!” The disciplinary master yelled over the microphone, looking over in our direction, the repeat students.

Right, so we were getting ostracized by the school, splitting us into head start classes, away from our previous classes. As if that was not enough, it was automatically presumed that the majority of the late comers were the ‘retainees’. 

“Most of them are the year twos, what is that old man talking about?” Yuri muttered under her breathe behind me.

Attendance was also marked in every single class to make sure that none of us sneaked out of school before it ends. I was starting to feel like a dangerous criminal locked up in prison with tight security everywhere. Apparently, I was not the only one with that thought.

The first three weeks of school flew past in a flash without learning anything useful and leaving us with lots of resentment over the way the school treated us. Complains were made to the school full time counselor but things remained the way it was.

We were given a short break from school for the Lunar New Year holidays. In previous years, the Lunar New Year was the only holiday I had looked forward to as it means visiting relatives, eating and getting red packets. Hayeon and I would always lock ourselves in the room up at night, opening red packets and counting the amount of money that we have received. This year was different though, I dreaded having to face our relatives.

“Taeyeon’s going to be taking her A levels this year right?”

Imagine the awkward smiles that I had forced myself to put on when my parents started explaining to them how I did not get promoted over and over again. My mother had mentioned to me in the car, on the way to some other relative’s house, how embarrassing it was. It made me feel bad all over again and I had a sour look on for the rest of the day, not the best expression to have on such occasions.

The new batch of year one joined the school after the Lunar New Year holiday and we were once again split up into orientation groups. Yoona and Yuri were in the same group while Sooyoung had her secondary school friend with her. I had nobody I knew in my group even though two guys who I was not close to from my head start were grouped with me. Being the quiet person that I was, I made no attempt to make friends with those two guys; neither did I take any initiative to talk to the freshmen.

I was left alone, again.

Sometimes I wonder what the world has against me, to be more precise, the school. They had always seemed to like isolating me from the rest of my friends.

I was a lone sheep, wandering around school by myself while they took part in orientation games. I could never understand why the repeat students from my orientation group last year would always disappear and then appear again out of nowhere, never sticking with the group for more than an hour. But now that I was in their shoes, I could see the reasons behind their disappearing act. It was just plain embarrassing and awkward to mix with new people coupled with the fact that friends from our batch were leading the groups.

Why did you get retained?

Was it that hard?

What is the minimum requirement to get promoted?

Those were the frequently asked questions whenever I told my group members that I was a repeat student and it was wearing my patience out. I found myself ignoring the next person that asked the same questions, pretending that I did not hear and leaving to look for my friends.

Sooyoung, Yuri and Yoona would leave their group every now and then and we would meet up at random places in school, being cautious about getting caught by the disciplinary committee. On good days, we would manage to convince our respective orientation group leaders to cover our attendance and leave school early just to escape from the whole program. What was the point in joining in and making new friends when you know full well that no matter how strong the bond was between group members, it would slowly dissolve once orientation was over.

The gang, save for Sunny and Jessica, was reunited again after class allocation was out. We had stuck to our previous subject combination and were put into the same class.

“Taengoo!” Someone pounced on me from behind.

I relaxed, knowing it was Jessica.

“How’s school today?” She asked, as we made our way out of the gate.

“The usual, mainly introduction and what not, they haven’t really started teaching anything yet. Are your test results coming out soon?”

“It’s already out, but the exams are coming again. Life’s sad.”

“Yea, and that’s because you are in year 2. Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t get promoted after all. I’ve got more time to play.” I told her jokingly.

“How I wish I’m in year 1 now.”

‘You are only saying that because you don’t know how it feels like to get retained.’ I thought to myself.

“Come on Princess, you just have to hang in there for a little more than 8 months and school’s out.” I encouraged her, despite me feeling ty about myself.

That was life in school. Hopefully as the year progress, I would feel less pissed off at everything and everyone.

Tennis training started to get intensive as we had about 2 months left to competition season. Unlike last year, I was able to better manage my time, squeezing in time here and there, revising for the upcoming tests. My girlfriend’s house had become my second home, having spent a lot of my time there, staying over for the night and staying up late to study together. Jessica was my motivation, the drive to achieving good grades to prove to my parents that I was not a failure. The funniest part was I tried not to let them see me studying, which explains why I was at Jessica’s most of the time, preferring them to see me slacking. I didn’t know the reasons behind my actions, I guess I wanted them to be surprised by my results or it was just my ego getting in the way again.

Despite juggling a hectic training schedule and preparing for the test, I managed to score ‘A’s for both Chemistry and Mathematics a B for General Paper and Economics. I had failed Physics again but that was the least of my concerns, I had hated the subject anyway and it did not change the fact that I was on the honor roll for the first time in this school.

“Yo, that’s Tae’s name on the screen!” Yuri screamed.

The whole class cheered, I was the only one in the class to make it to the list. The honor roll was announced during morning assembly after chapel for the whole year 1 cohort to know and I was proud of myself. All the work I had put in paid off.

“Retainee pride Taeng!” Sooyoung gave me a friendly punch on my shoulder as I tried to make myself invisible in my seat due to all the attention I was getting from other classes in front of us.

Needless to say, my parents were elated upon hearing the news and decided that it was something that called for a celebration. They had taken the whole family, including my grandparents and Jessica out for a feast. Nonetheless, something was off and I could not figure out what it was. It made me nervous.

It was break time one day and Sunny joined us since it was one of the rare times that we had a common break together. We were eating happily, with us laughing at the way Sooyoung was stuffing herself as usual when a text message came in. Sooyoung, Yuri and Yoona got it as well.

“What the hell, guys, we have to find some time to meet up with the counselor this week. She said something about post exams follow up with the retainees.” Yuri announced, not pleased at all.

“She used the word retainee? That sounds bad, could have used repeat students instead.” Sunny commented.

“Well, that Ms. Lee doesn’t really use her brains, she don’t even know how to pronounce alarm.” Sooyoung added in.

We all laughed at that, recalling the way the counselor had said it as ‘ah-lam’ instead.

“That was mean of you.” I managed to say.

“It’s true. Plus, I’ve got a feeling she’s gonna ask how we had done for the tests. She’s probably going to make us come for counseling sessions if we had not done well. I can totally imagine her trying to tell me not to get depress over it, and that I should focus on mid-years. Let’s see if she can counsel anything out of me, I’m not depressed.” Sooyoung was agitated.

Sooyoung had not cleared the first test, but she had made a huge improvement from last year. At least she was closer to passing and she was right. The common test and promotion papers contribute a whopping 80% to the final grade, what difference would a mere 5% make.

“Just ignore her then, there are so many repeat students this year, she can’t possibly keep track of all of us.” Yoona reasoned.

And that was what we did. We ignored the message thinking that she would leave us alone if we did not reply her. How wrong we were. Another message came in a week later.

“Dear repeat students. It is compulsory that you come and see me for the post exams follow up or your parents would be informed. It will not take more than 10 minutes and I want to see all of you, preferably before this week ends.” I read out loud.

“She’s ridiculous. So what if she reports us? It’s not even an official school event. The disciplinary committee can’t fault us too.” Yuri scoffed. “At least she changed ‘retainees’ to repeat students. Heard that the whole lot of them complained about her.”

“Let’s go meet her after school today. Get it over and done with so that she won’t bother us again.” I suggested casually as we made our way to our last tutorial for the day.

I was mad, frustrated at the fact that the counselor had threatened us, frustrated at the fact that I had to spend 10 useless minutes listening to her talk when I there were better things that I could do. As usual, I had not let my feelings show unlike Sooyoung and Yuri, letting them speak my thoughts instead.

As expected, Ms. Lee had asked to meet us to discuss about our results.

‘The results are out already, what’s there left to discuss’ I put on a straight face, acting like I was listening to her.

Yuri and Sooyoung were trying to suppress their laughter, clearly amused by the counselor’s command of the English language. Ms. Lee looked annoyed by their behavior but chose to overlook it and continue with her speech.

“Very good, Taeyeon. I see that you’ve made it to the honor roll. Try to pass your Physics the next time though.” Ms. Lee smiled at me.

Was that a compliment or an insult? Ms. Lee probably did not mean it that way but why had that sound so sarcastic to me?

I smiled back at her but it disappeared as soon as she turned to other way to look at Sooyoung.

“Sooyoung, what happened to you? Work harder next time to pass the 35 rank point requirements. Your teacher would be making a call to your parents soon. You can do it, but you might want to work on your attitude. You were not listening to me just now, were you like that in class?”

Sooyoung smirk in response, shaking her head.

“Man, that was a waste of time.” She complained as soon as we left the counseling room.

“Try not to rebel against her next time, Sooyoung. She might call you back for counseling for real, bad attitude.” I joked.

Well, it was totally possible.

I looked at my watch and it showed that it was 5pm. I could make it to the Circuit in an hour if I rush down, there would be enough time for me to go at it for 30 minutes before I head home for dinner, seeing that I was already done with my homework. If it was not for the meeting with Ms. Lee, I would already be on my way there. Jessica had left school by herself earlier today as I had told her not to wait.

I had been going to the Circuit very frequently this year and I had no idea why. I just felt the need to be there. At least it helped me to relieve the stress that I had from school and from my family. The adrenaline rush had cleared my mind, making me feel at peace, keeping me from thinking about something that had bothered me for quite a while.

Flashback

It was the first week of school and I was sitting on the bench near the gate for an hour doing nothing while waiting for Jessica’s class to end.

“What are you thinking? You have been staring into space and didn’t even realize that I’m here.” Jessica was concerned, waving her hand in front of my eyes to get my attention.

I snapped back to reality, jumping a little in surprise.

“Nothing.” I told her.

“Something’s bothering you. Care to share? You’ve promised to not keep things to yourself, Darling.”

“Do you think I’m making a right choice?” I hesitated.

“What choice?”

“Well…ermm…it’s just…you know, it’s not important. I’m overthinking about stuff. Nothing to worry about.” I had brushed it off.

She did not question me further which was a relief. How could I tell her my problem when I wasn’t even sure of anything myself?

Back to present

Dear Diary,

Am I making the right decision? Please tell me that I am…

Taeyeon,

11.03.12

I got too bored on the plane, so I decided to write this chapter. It’s 11.03am here but I’m already tired, woke up too early and I’m jet lagging. I checked out I Got a Boy as soon as I’ve got Internet connection, it sounded a bit weird at first but I’m loving it after a while. Pardon me for the slow update, school’s starting in a few days and I’m still in holiday mood. Lucky girlfriend got an extra 2 days off from school ): *sobs* LOL. Why am I whining? Enjoy reading and do leave a comment below, let me know what you guys think about this chapter. (: