Don't Want To Be An Idol by Shiraeyouniq
I WANT TO READ!! SEND ME UR STORY!! I'LL GIVE FEEDBACK-2!!
Foreword:
First of all I think that the poster is very cool and pretty. But for the second part with the description, I feel like it is straight forward but a little bit too straight to the point that I can anticipate what your fanfiction is about and what direction you are going to take it in. In my opinion I think that it is better to have a mysterious feel and leave the audience wondering what is this about, so it can garner more interest.
Chapter 1:
I think that you should first edit the foreword and then make adjustments to the chapter according to your foreword. But I’ll help with grammatical parts of your first chapter and if you want to then change it, feel free to.
For the first sentence, when you say “Baekhyun throws a glance towards the car windows,” it should be “Baekhyun glances at the window.” And you can combine it with the first part of the second sentence to make it flow better. So in the end it would be something like “Baekhyun glances at the window, watching the green scenery of the hills across the highway.”
For the next sentence, you can start with “His right hand tightly grips his brand new iPhone while his other hand cups his cheek with his palm.”
For the part where you start with Sehun, you can combine the first two sentences to form “Sehun leaning on the cushion, just smiles and shrugs. Then state, “He then opens a pack hastily the munching the chocolates cheerfully.
When you start getting into Baekhyun and the things that he is doing, you can rearrange to make it less wordy. “Baekhyun looks down at his wallpaper, there’s a picture of the girl he loved most. Kim Na Eun. She was leaning against Baekhyun, with her long, wavy, brown hair flowing down, with a sweet smile to complete her outstanding beauty.”
When you are talking about the company, you should also state somewhere that the company knew, since the company cannot be shocked without knowing anything.
There is more to those corrections, but overall, I know what you are trying to say. I would recommend so more reviewers and editors, so you can have different opinions and point of views about your fanfic.
With that said, fighting :D
So here it is~
Review By
Comments