DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

Reviewed by Babylovestoto

Poster:

The poster is nice and simple. It suits with the theme of the story.

Title:

The title was quite used by other authors so it didn't catch my attention much. The title didn't give everything out, which is good.

Description/Foreword:

The description was quite nice, but it gave away too much information about the story. And it confused me a lot. There were too many 'what ifs', and we could already tell the what ifs' were somehow real and it will happen later on. Also, the 'what if she falls in love with the person helping her' wasn't necessary. Rather than placing the information on the description, it would be better if you explained it in the story. By explaining in the story, everyone will get confused about who she will  choose, Key or Luhan? It was already predictable who she will fall in love with by reading the first two chapters of the story.

Story:

So far, I've read only two chapters of the story. Honestly speaking, it didn't quite catch my full attention. I could predict on how the story will flow and I could find this type of similar plot lines on other's works. Nana was quite a character though, she gets mad at every second as I read through and sometimes, it bothers me to see you use JB instead of saying his real name, though. Oh, and I see you use dialouge more than explaining their actions.

I suggest you to use something more detail and specific if you were to write. 
Rather than going, 'I smirked'
add in, 'I frowned and parted my lips to speak, glaring at the boy in front of me.'

It'll be more interesting to see if you add more actions or explaining the situation more. The readers could imagine what she was doing and you will attract more readers.

Grammars:

Something was bothering me when I read through the first two chapters. The asterisk- ' * '. You used it to indicate the sounds, sound effects.
Rather than going, " *BEEP* *BEEP* "
You could explain. 
e.g: "Her alarm goes off loudly for a few times."
It was simple and it didn't make the reader to lost their concentration on reading.
Also, it is quite disturbing for me and I lost my concentration to read through when I see the CAPS-LOCK to indicate the person to yell. For me, it was good enough to end the conversation- or yells- by placing the exclamation point; ! . 

e.g: "Why are you here on my house?!"
"Shut up and leave!"
"Ms. Park! There is someone intruding our house!"
One exclamation mark is fine and you're good to go!


It would be very nice to see if you use full stops on some of the sentences.

e.g.; As I was walking, I could sense that JB was right behind me so I quicken my pace, but JB grabs my arm and twirls me around to face him, almost causing me to collide into other students who are walking past us.

it could break us, readers, attention and it would be neat and nice to read if you use full stops.
e.g: As I was walking, I could sense that JB was right behind me and with that I quicken my pace. However, JB grabs my arm before I could go any faster and spins me around to face him. The action alone almost caused myself to bump onto other students who are walking past us.


Overall, it was a nice story to read, I hope you will improve. I sincerely apologize for being harsh on your first fanfiction.

So here it is~

Be My Dazzling Girl 

by 

MapleAngel19