Be My Dazzling Girl
Note: I understand you weren’t happy with the review someone gave earlier so here I am. I have read or at least attempted to read all the chapters and will be providing a 100% honest opinion of the story with no sugar coatings. I hope my review gives you something to improve on and I ask for understanding in the fact that I’m a pretty harsh reviewer so don’t be disheartened by what I say. Even the stories I love the most will get criticism :)
Title: I liked the title quite a lot, it was a reference to a SHINee song which I thought was clever and it was cute and sweet, already giving me an idea on what the story was going to be about. However, I have to say that I’m not a big fan of music related titles because it tends to drive more mature audiences away but its good enough and I’m satisfied.
Foreword/Presentation: The poster was gorgeous and very well suited to the story but the foreword lacked the va va voom I was looking for. The purpose of a description/foreword is to provide a sneak peak into the story and let the reader decide whether the fic is worth their time or not. Here, you outlined the story and gave me an idea of exactly what was going to go down which made feel lose a lot of the curiosity I had for the story. After such a good title, I was slightly disappointed and also the use of so many what ifs made it seem slightly tedious. Here is how I might’ve rewritten the foreword:

Lee Nana, the kind, sweet girl next door?
Funny story… This isn’t your cliché heroine
She’s dripping in diamonds yet dreams of becoming an Kpop idol. One problem though-she never tries
But what if she gains herself a personal mentor? And that personal mentor that makes her forget her dreams because he makes her heart race at a million miles per hour. With her debut at stake, how will she disentangle herself from a confusing and terrible love triangle?

The layout wasn’t anything special. Despite the pink font suiting the feel of the story, I thought there was a little more effort you could put into it to clean it up a little.
Writing style: you’re very descriptive and you have a funny way of putting things but as I must stress again, the most important rule is showing not telling. So here I’ve compiled a list of things you should improve on
1. Try not to use caps lock, you can always use description instead. For example:
“YES THAT’S RIGHT CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!” 

In comparison to: 

“Yes, that’s right captain obvious,” Nana yelled in complete exasperation, running her hands through her hair, further tousling the already messy waves.
2. Try not to switch point of views too often. In novels, a view switch is usually signified in the next chapter or with an time elapse. Constant switches are convenient but not very smart.
3. Don’t use mwahahahaha or other such sounds outside of dialogue because as I always say, using description is always a better idea and provides your readers with a much more gratifying read
4. Sometimes you miss out commas and full stops as well as capital letters I areas they should be. Maybe opt for a beta who will edit the story for you? 
5. Don’t signify flashbacks and “next days” with the actual words like you did in chapter four, instead just use time elapses or italics. Or maybe you could do a little lead up like: my mind found itself drifting to past events…

Plotline: I have to say that I found your writing style somewhat shallow and unengaging but the pace was good and developments happened quickly enough for me to feel excited. However, the progressions in the plotline came a little too fast in my opinion. Events should be dynamic and interesting but character relationships are a lot more complex but you have it the other way around. There were also a few logical flaws like the fact that Nana wants to be an idol but she’s frolicking around school and not training? I understand her father is rich but consider real life wealthy idols like Siwon, Suho and Hayoung-one thing is obvious-they do not receive special treatment and they need to train for at least ten hours a day in order to make it. And even Key doesn’t seem to be helping her all that much. I also noticed that Key picked up some toner for Nana which does not come in skin colours because toner is a cleansing/moisturising liquid. I feel your plotline is slightly cliché (the hate love relationship) but it still has its own twists and turns which is refreshing.

Characterisation: This is your weakest point of all. Your character need to need to be four dimensional for them to be relatable and human. After reading well over half your story, I still don’t know what Nana is really like. Is she spunky, humorous or tough? Cold or outgoing? She feels incredibly two dimensional to me right now. In order for your characters to be human, you need to explain their motives and emotions more. Try reading Pinboo, thecandice or cherithangel’s stories for inspiration. They are all very strong in this area. 
Overall enjoyment: I have to say this story did make me laugh and as it is your first fanfiction, I’m going to go a little easy on you. My first fic was stupid and reflected how inexperienced I was I hope to see you progress and flourish into a better writer ;D

REDONE BY PANDA_AND_LLAMA