DISCLAIMER:

I AM NOT A CRITIC, I AM JUST A NORMAL READER WHO WILL HELP YOU WITH HOW A READER LIKES YOUR STORY

Reviewed by Limalemon +

MinhosAegyo

Poster: yes.

Title: I have to start off saying that this title would probably fend off a lot of readers. Because just by reading the title, one knows that your story is about EXO where one of the EXO member or an OC would be an angel. There is a lot of story in AFF similar to this plotline. So my suggestion would be to think about some thing catchier. Something like, Luhan’s Angel, Sent From Above, Came For You… something that sort, which wouldn’t tell the story out and would attract passerby to stop and click to read more.

Description and foreword: I understand you are in the middle of editing and rewriting but you should still have a description for people who stopped by.

You could’ve put your Author’s Note in the foreword box or in description right under the synapses.

Story: Your starting was good. Again this is not something that I haven’t read before. But I believe that no matter how clichéd a plot is, every writer can put something in it that will make it unique.

I could see where you wanted your story to go. How you wanted it to feel. You wanted reader to feel the darkness that comes from Luhan. You wanted it to have the creepy affect on the reader that some thing unnatural is going on. You wanted to create that goose bump atmosphere. But you quite didn’t portray it well. It was kind of on point when you tried to describe with xiumin in the studio while recording, but other times you kind of touched through it but couldn’t capture. I would suggest you read it again and you give it another try. Not edit, but re-write the whole scene in a different way. Or even better watch a scary movie or read a horror book. And some of the things you tried to dumb down such as those times when you put comments with a (). You didn’t need those. That just cut of the whole feeling of a paragraph. For example: in the very first chapter you wrote (A/N: No we don’t. We have something called shoes!) before this line, every was nice and dreamy with an angel’s first experience on earth but with that line as if readers got hit by a stop sign. It’s better with out these.

Grammars:  It was, again, another boring day, with packed schedules, and endless practices, and rehearsals, and fans, and repeated recordings, and lessons, and, and, and... "

Okay, here, there are too many ands. And I think that "again" was unnecessary. You should've just used commas and maybe the sentence could have came out like:

It was another boring day with packed schedules, endless practices, rehearsals, fans, repeated recordings, and lessons; all which I never looked forward too.


" I spun around to see if ever she's still there. "

That 'ever' needs to be deleted and 'she's' can be changed to 'she was'. So it'd be like:

I spun around to see if she was still there.

There were other mistakes that could've been prevented with some proof reading.

Over all, this story had a good potential if written well. Everyone has their own way of writing, just like you do. Just make sure you can put your point, your feelings across. Otherwise, it wouldn’t make sense to the readers.

So here it is~

A growing supernatural mystery with Luhan and OC

EXO ANGEL

by

X_JasielleAle