Here goes...

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In the dead of the night, where the entire place is soundless, when eerie silence greets anyone wandering around at this time, and when the estate’s occupants are all asleep, the window to the small quarter in the garden creaks open. A person then sticks his hand out as if reaching for something outside and sweeps around blindly, trying to get a view of where his hands are headed.

Finally, fingers brushing against the shoulder of another person crouching among the bed of flowers lining the window and house, the slightly startled human immediately gets up to level with the person on the other side of the window, within the house.

“Can you get them for me by sunrise tomorrow?” An airy voice echoes into the quiet night skies and garden as the two figures communicate through the relatively tiny slit of the window opening. “I will pay you the rest of the deposit when you return with the items.” The person standing on the outside nods his head as he looks through the list of herbs on the parchment. "Remember the place I mentioned earlier? Leave the stash there and I will leave the money there as well."

“Hurry. I don’t have much time.” The person quickly urges the person along after hearing someone approaching, before shutting the window and hurrying back to his bed. Heaving a sigh of relief that he had finally gotten someone who is willing to help him obtain the herbs he will need for his next mission, the man prays silently that the chosen errand boy will be more efficient.

Sitting on the bed with legs tucked close to his chest, the person places his finger pads to his wrists again and palpates for a good minute, face solemn as he wraps his hands around himself and curls up into a ball beneath the blanket.

Taking a deep breath, the man thought through his life as he recalls the happier times as well as the faces of the people he loves and cares for. However, only the handsome face of the man he loathes the most would pop up, making him incredibly annoyed and even more exhausted, mentally and emotionally.

Pushing the disturbing smiley face to the back of his mind, the man squeezes his eyes shut tightly and tried picturing himself being in the comfort of his own home, doing what he wants to do, seeing only the people who need his help. Dying from home sickness and pining, the man could not fall asleep no matter how tired he is. So, getting up, the man proceeds to his work area, which is already cleaned up for him own usage, the man started to pen his thought onto a piece of paper.

‘Junho,

How are you doing? I wish you well.

Junsu and I are fine. Junsu is really happy now… and I am too.

We haven’t accomplished much… but there is no one to blame. This is our fate. We have to make do with what we have sometimes, don’t we?

One thing though… I wish for you to bury the hatchet… for Junsu’s sake. Park Yoochun… he is important to Junsu… and l can assure you that he loves your midget more than you can ever imagine.

I will not be seeing you again… but you can be rest assured that I am well. I wish you all the best in whatever you do… as long as you remember to keep a cool head.

Tell hyung I love him if you meet up again.

Jaejoong.’

Folding the white sheet into quarters, the man sighed as he wanders around the perimeter of his small house aimlessly, hugging himself as he admires the moon from the small openings near the ceilings.

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POV from Jaejoong

I have it all sorted out.

By tomorrow night, I will either be dead… or very ill… and dying. One more day to go… in this miserable life time of thankless events… and what next?

Don’t get me wrong… I am not suicidal. I am not a cold blooded murderer either… but in order to get rid of that thing growing inside of me, I might have to pay the price. I have always believed in life… and that to have a baby is truly a joyous thing worth celebrating… but not in my case.

It’s a curse that shouldn’t be there at the first place. I am not normal… and I am definitely not some special being. I am just a defective person… who is unlucky enough to run into a bastard.

Actually… now that my life is probably not worth much… and when I am not even sure if I will see the sun rise for the day after tomorrow… I think I can finally stop hating him. I’m tired… and have no more energy to keep him at bay anymore... feeling as though dying would be a kind of sweet release, hence doing the unthinkable. It’s like losing your directions and just letting your negative emotions guide you along. Very unhealthy as I always tell Junho… but even I can’t help myself.

If anything happens to me tomorrow… I don’t want to leave regretting.

I am actually glad that at least he wouldn’t know what I did… but why the hell am I caring anyway? Well… maybe I just don’t want him to think badly of me… but why do I give a damn about that too!?

Aish! It’s better to be remembered as a suicidal person than a child murderer. No one needs to know.

If I survive, no one needs to know what I did as well. I will pay the price as the heavens deem fit.

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Jaejoong knows exactly what herbs he will need, but he does not have the means to obtain them. Yunho had restricted the imports he is getting so that he wouldn’t do anything stupid like killing himself, but a desperate person knows no bounds. Jaejoong may be helpless and trapped within the residence, unable to do much, but that was before he managed to get one of the servants to run the errand for him with a bribe.

Waking the next morning, the healer hurries to the gate and found the person already back from his errand and had stashed the herbs into the allocated depositing spot. Behaving as naturally as he can, the healer stuffed the rest of the promised sum as well as the letter to Junho, into the crevice and quickly returned to the safety of his hut.

Starting the fire, the healer quickly got down to brewing the concoction he will use to get rid of the foetus growing inside of him, hoping it will work.

The healer knows he might die as a result, but he is willing to give it a try. The risk is high since he will probably bleed a lot without anyone to help him, but the longer he drags, the bigger the foetus will get. The bigger the foetus get, the more unlikely it is that he will survive. In fact, he knows that at four months or more, the thing is going to get him killed either ways, and he is prepared.

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POV from Yunho

It’s been a hundred and twenty three days since I last touched him… or even held him to be exact. Since the day he emerged from the room with an awakened Junsu, I had the slightest idea that I am not dealing with a human being, but a god of some sorts. How do I put this? I think I have disrespected him in many ways…

Through this, I can see that even though there is hate… it will eventually dissolve as long as love starts to enter the picture. For example, I can safely say that Junsu loves Chun.  The first person he asked for was Chun… and it’s not actually stunning anymore. I was even feeling green with jealousy… but that’s how it’s supposed to be right?

I came to a conclusion then, that if Jaejoong even has a tiny bit of feelings towards me, I would know… and he simply doesn’t. After so long… there isn’t even a signal bit of that! I have failed through and through.

So, after an intense internal debate, I decided that I am going to stay open to options. I am planning to keep him by my side… but I am no longer going to force myself on him. I am never going to let him go… or maybe if in time… I might… and that really depends on how much he hates on me. I am just going to focus on making myself forget him in the meantime.

I love him… so much… and that is also why it is killing me on the inside! But I have promised myself that I will at least try to let him go… since I know the likelihood that we will ever have any progress is fringing on zero.

Never mind all that lamenting… I am just going to take a peek at how he is doing before I go to bed today. It’s been too long since I last saw his face… well… maybe two days isn’t too long… but I just miss him so much!

I need to check on him and see how much he is doing. That’s all! I promise I will not do anything!

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Late noon...

“Sir Yunho.” The guards seated outside of Jaejoong’s hut saw the advisor approaching the vicinity and immediately gets up to greet him. It is already well into the afternoon by the time the man has the time to pay Jaejoong a visit.

With countless meetings to attend with Yoochun, and a pile of work to do, the advisor is exhausted, even though he has had enough hours of sleep. Waking up every night yearning for the soft slender figure that once lay beside him, the advisor’s sleep isn’t peaceful and does not keep him well rested, Yunho is frustrated as well.

Holding a packet of pastries he had brought back from the market during his trip there in the morning, the advisor can feel the desire to meet Jaejoong increase with every step he takes towards the healer’s quarter. Once again dusting at his armours, the advisor adjusted his cape and puffed out his chest before knocking the already unlocked door as the guards open the way for him. The guards immediately retreat back to their stations, giving the couple their privacy.

“Ahem.” The advisor cleared his throat as he enters, headed into the bed room where a figure lies, bundled up. “AHEM.” Yunho tried again, knocking on the opened room door as he makes himself at home, sitting by the bed.

The person on the bed stirs slowly, then, with a loud gasp, he leaps out from beneath the sheets and scrambles to the other end of the bed. Yunho realises how long it had been since they shared a bed, but is aware that Jaejoong is pure terrified of the idea of sleeping next to him now. For Jaejoong, the memories are not great, amounting to traumatising.

“…” The healer kept silent as he pulls his loosened garment tightly together, stretching the silky clothe to cover his previously exposed clavicles, shying from Yunho’s glances. “I… I will make you tea.” The healer suggested warily, hands shivering as his fingers claws at his own skin through the thin material. Bed and Yunho can no longer coexist, even though he is able to handle himself when they meet outside of the bedroom.

Climbing off the bed as fast as he can, the healer rushes to the kitchen and fumbles clumsily around the shelves for the tea leaves, hands trembling non-stop as he clutches onto them, pinching himself to stabilise the uncontrollable tremors.

Feeling Yunho come up from behind him and standing so close that his rear end is brushing onto Yunho’s ‘somewhere there’, the healer yelped loudly and cursed silently as he shrinks towards the counter top and presses himself against the wooden shelving. Praying that Yunho will stop advancing, his wish is granted when the man simply reaches high above him and picks up the porcelain container, storing the tea leaves that Jaejoong had been searching for previously. “Let me.”

Yunho’s hot breathe ghosting on Jaejoong’s own cool nape made the healer jump so high that he almost hits Yunho’s chin with his head. “Ah… oh.” The healer managed awkwardly, hands still gripping onto the wooden platform without loosening as the advisor disappears from behind him.

“Where is the water?” The advisor voice boomed from the distance as he searches around the brewing area that Jaejoong had set aside from making concoctions. The voice acted as a reminder of his existence, slapping Jaejoong on the back of his head and waking him from the trance. Then, realisation dawned on him that he had been brewing some naughty potion before he had accidentally dozed off.

“AH!! I WILL GET THEM!!” The healer almost lost a grip of himself as panic washes over him like a tsunami. He ended up stumbling as he rushes into the area at the far end corner in the kitchen. Using his slim body to block off the ceramic pot that is bubbling over with foamy black substance, the healer fills another pot with the water from the basin and exchanges the boiling herbal drink with the water.

“Are you unwell?” The advisor asks as he watches the healer act suspiciously, hiding the still hot medicine pot into a corner, as if trying to keep it away from his line of vision. Jaejoong stiffens somewhat dramatically; gasping loudly as he almost drops the precious object in his hands. Yunho is very concerned. Jaejoong is even more concerned, but simply cannot stop himself from acting all flustered and scared. “Ah… no! I’m well.” “Thank you.”

Jaejoong even thanked Yunho and immediately curses under his breathe for his stupidity. Yunho’s eyes widens instantly as he observes a troubled Jaejoong bite at his lower lip furiously, chewing on the reddened flesh as if to gnaw it off. Their eyes never met. “You… you don’t look well.” The advisor spoke as the jumpy healer remains standing beside the water while the steam starts to escapes from the slightly lifted cover.

“You look paler than I remembered. Is that medicine?” The advisor asked out of pure unease, but Jaejoong is even more startled. He can barely support himself as the fear and sleepiness eats away at him, making his legs wobbly. Yunho’s surprise visit is almost like a blitz attack to him, and he simply cannot withstand the pressure.

“PLEASE!” “Please take a seat.” “I can handle this.” The healer wanted to holler at the advisor, but managed to suppress the urge with much effort, supporting himself with the table behind him. Yunho is stunned to hear Jaejoong raise his voice for that split second.

Irritated that Jaejoong isn’t willing to share with him, something as harmless as his bodily conditions, the advisor decided not to let the healer off the hook so easily. “I asked you a question. You will give me an answer.” The advisor’s tone is so stern that the healer almost collapsed with the overwhelming fear.

“Y-yes. I-I wasn’t… f-feeling well.” The healer edged away from the advisor, dripping cold sweat as he bites at his lip even more nervously.

“I don’t remember giving you the permission to get those herbs. Where did those come from?” The advisor asked inquisitively. “Let me take a look.” Somehow, Yunho is being more paranoid and sensitive than usual, and that is bad news. Jaejoong is dying from the nervous breakdown.

“Y-Your… I.” The healer’s mind simply went blank and remained as white as a sheet of parchment. He simply couldn’t cook up an excuse or think of any lie at the last minute. Yunho’s curiosity only increases with the passing seconds, as he reaches past Jaejoong and retrieves the pot from behind the healer, scrutinising the contents as he sniffs inside. His expression then darkens.

“You have a lot of explaining to do. Where did this come from?” 

TBC

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