Shin’s P.O.V

When I woke up the next morning I felt terrible. My head (+heart) was hurting badly like I had been drunk last night. Which I  hadn’t. The only thing I could’ve been drunk in last night was miserableness.

I couldn’t remember when I fell asleep but it was definitely after 4 o’ clock. Until then I was too busy crying to even close my eyes.

When I met my face in the bathroom mirror, my eyes were still swollen and red from last night. Honestly I looked like a dishcloth there had been wringed out, rubbed on a washboard and finally dried under my own tears. Also known as .

At some point I was angry with Jonghyun for twisting me in his weird games. I was just a chessman in his chess game.

 But I was even more angry at myself. I should never have started this game in first place. I should have stopped right away when my feelings for Jonghyun started to grow.

Now it was all too late.

Jonghyun was gone and so were our love. It was blown away with the wind last night.

I grabbed for my toothbrush but it wasn’t there. Then I realized that almost none of my things were there. Not even my PJ. I slept in my clothes last night. All my things were at Jonghyun’s place.

Which meant I had to face Jonghyun again.

I let some air slip in between my lips as I knocked on Jonghyun’s door. For a long time nothing happened. Hope started to grow in me. That Jonghyun wasn’t home so I could push this further out in the future. But soon footsteps was heard and Jonghyun opened the door.

His hair was messy, his face so empty and yet full of emotions that only Jonghyun could make, and he kinda looked like too. Well, as much as Jonghyun could manage with his looks.

His eyes looked incredible tired of life. Like someone messed him up. Well, I guess I can take the honor for that.

But when he seemed to realize it really was me, standing outside his door, his unreadable expression was erased my something else. Maybe confusion, hurt and longing.

“Shin.”

“Jonghyun.”

None of us dared to look the other one in the eyes, We were either too ashamed or hurt.

After several moments of just staring I finally started to speak. “I just came to pick up my stuff”, I said. Jonghyun nodded, without giving me a hint of his feelings. Was he satisfied? Or did he actually want this to happen just as less as I did? His mind was unreadable.

I quietly walked around in his apartment, gathering my stuff. For every piece I picked up, my heart sank a bit. I felt like crying again.

Jonghyun silently followed me around in the apartment, watching me gather my stuff. He didn’t say a word but now and then he added an item to my bag I forgot.

I opened the big closet and sorted my clothes from his. It’s funny we had only been together for a month but it felt like a lifetime. A happy one.

My fingers found Jonghyun’s leather pants and pink T-shirt I once chose for him. I couldn’t hold back my laugh. I felt Jonghyun stretch his neck to see what was so funny. For a short moment, just a tiny mini second, Jonghyun chuckled too.

The moment of connection passed and the apartment grew silent again. I laid his ‘fashionable’ clothes back in the closet again. I didn’t hurry at all in the hope that he might stop me in the process. But he didn’t.

“This is it, I’m done. So…” I hesitated. Was I really going to make the same mistake twice? “Goodbye”, I said and confirmed the answer to my own question. Yes I was.

Jonghyun didn’t say anything. He just stared at me. I guess that meant he was okay with it. So I picked up my bag and pressed the elevator button. My fingers hit the ‘floor 0’ button and the doors slowly closed.

But a foot stopped the doors from meeting. “Wait Shin!” Jonghyun shouted. My eyes widened and a small rush of hope rushed through my veins. Did I finally get the happy movie ending?

“I’m going to Japan tonight, as you know”, Jonghyun said.

“Please ask me to still join you”, I begged in my head. But life’s not a movie and he didn’t ask. Instead he just stepped out of the elevator. “Just thought you should know”, he said and with that his face disappeared when the doors closed again.

Why did he say that? I was perfectly aware of that already. Maybe he just wanted to make sure I was aware that I wasn’t invited anymore. Of course I wasn’t.

I walked home to my own complex with a heavy heart but I was met with a surprise. “Simon, what are you doing here?”