Taeyeon’s POV

 

I put my earphones on all the time if I am alone. I need some noises to disturb me, and I don’t want to talk with anyone. I have been a little bit lonely these days since it’s our university break and our girls went back to spend time with their parents. Yuri went back home. Sunny went to United State to stay with her sisters. The other girls went on trips with their parents too. Only me and Tiffany, Tiffany said she has no one she wants to visit. And I need to work to earn money.

 

As my usual routine, I arrived at the bar. I prepared to go to the stage. And started singing. I am a little bit moody today.

 

“This song is called Missing you like crazy. My friend wrote this song for me after listening to my story. I don’t know where you are. I don’t know what you are doing. The only thing I want to say…I miss you”

 

After my words ended, the melody started as I started to sing. This is the only song I have which Yuri gave to me as a present.

 

‘The person I miss like crazy

The words I want to hear from you like crazy

I love you I love you – where are you?

The person I long for, who is deeply stuck in my heart’

 

I shouldn’t sing this song. I am visiting the memories again. Every scenario appears in my eyes as it’s hard to breathe. And I saw her smiling. Smiling while holding hands with someone. A guy? A tall guy beside her. She is smiling happily. I shouldn’t sing that song. I am paranoid. She looks mature now. Not the little kid I used to love.

 

“Tae?”

 

She is in front of me. I can’t keep singing. I just stopped singing as I was just staring at her. Melody was playing in the background without me singing. Why is she here? Why? I just ran out from the stage as I ran out from the bar. It’s hard to breathe. I am catching my breath as tears fall on my cheek. I am sobbing.

 

“Tae”

 

I heard her voice. So, it’s not paranoid. She is coming to the bar with her boyfriend. Why did she appear in front of me again after all the hard times I tried to move on, and I finally did? I wiped my tears quickly as I turned around. Yes, it’s her. She is smiling at me. The eyes smile that I love the most. The eyes smile that I hate the most.

 

“Why are you here?”

 

I yelled.

 

“I really like the song. Is it about me?”

 

She asked with the tears in her eyes. Why would you cry after leaving me that cruelly? Stop crying. I hate you.

 

“How are you doing, Tae? I miss you”

 

She asked. She is 3 years younger than me, but she never called me Unnie before. She just called me by my name “Tae”.

 

I did a fake laugh. I don’t think she is in the position to ask how am I doing after ghosting me.

 

“Why are you here? Why did you ghost me? Do you even know how terrible I felt and how much I suffer because of you? And then you just suddenly appear in front of me again with your boyfriend smiling and holding hands? And ask me how am I doing? What do you want me to answer? I am fine. Thank you? you”

 

I just yelled at her out of my anger. She started to cry. I know my words are terrible, but it was how I felt.

 

“I am sorry, Tae. Sorry”

 

She was sobbing while I was staring at her with hater in my eyes. My eyes are filled with tears, but I tried my best to hold on.

 

“Sorry? Do you think sorry can fix everything?”

 

I don’t know why but I keep yelling at her. She is like a little sheep crying in front of me.

 

“I am really sorry”

 

“Is that all you have to say? Just sorry?”

 

I asked her.

 

“Please forgive me. I am sorry”

 

She said as she approached me and tried to hold my hands. I really miss her, but my body reacts differently from my mind. Before I know I pushed her away as she fell on the ground. I can’t understand my own actions. I love her a lot. Why did I hurt her physically? She is wearing a short dress so I can see the blood on her knees. I felt like I was out of control. She seems to terrify me as well.

 

“Minah, please leave. I can’t control myself. Please leave from my slight quickly”

 

I said while covering my face with palms as I started to sob while giving back to her.

 

“I am sorry, Tae ah. I miss you”

 

I heard her voice as I heard her footsteps and it disappeared. I don’t know how long I was sobbing there. It hurts. I can’t believe that I hurt her. Why did I do that? But why can’t she say the reason instead she just kept apologizing. I want to hear the reason not apology. I was missing you a lot. And I love you a lot. It really hurt to see you with another guy smiling happily after leaving me like that.

 

“You did really cry”

 

I heard a familiar voice as I lifted my head to see who she was. Yes, expectedly it’s Tiffany. I was sitting on my knee in the back street of the bar. Why is she here? But I felt really happy to see her. Normally I don’t really like people to see my weak side.

 

“Fany ah, I am screwed. I hurt her”

 

I cried while holding her hands. I look so pathetic. She just sat beside me. I was surprised. She is dressed nicely, but she is willing to sit on the street. Well, it’s back street so there is no one else besides us. And the light from the lamp.

 

“You must hurt so badly in the past so that your body reacts that way”

 

I felt like she understood me.

 

“Why are you here?”

 

I asked her.

 

“I am on date”

 

She smiled. Date? How can she date someone easily after she cried the other day because of Yuri?

 

“Where is your date? Shouldn’t you be with him?”

 

I asked as she smiled.

 

“My friends are more important in my life. Okay?”

 

She smiled. Those eyes smile. I wish she doesn’t have that. I can’t fall for eyes smile twice.

 

“Shall we drink? Let’s go home and drink until we lost the world”

 

We chose to go back home and get lost. I want to forget those memories. I want to forget her. I am glad that Tiffany is with me.

 

“Did you love her that much that you lost yourself?”

 

She asked curiously. No one was ever curious about my life as much as her before. Since I am a quiet person, I don’t share a lot of my things with others.

 

“How can you move on easily? I thought you really like Yuri”

 

I asked her curiously. We are drinking her favorite tequila.

 

“I didn’t move on. I am just trying to change my attention. I am extroverted right? I like to be with people. You can still be with them even if you don’t love. Isn’t it better if you don’t? So that you won’t hurt”

 

Tiffany said as she took a shot.

 

“It will be great if I have a mind like you”

 

I said as I also did a shot. I can’t tolerate alcohol. But I am drinking a lot today and I am getting tipsy.

 

“Do you like girls? I thought you are straight”

 

I asked curiously as she smiled.

 

“Is gender important? I like people by their personalities and skills. Not by gender”

 

She answered. I am paranoid. I am seeing double. I think I am drunk. I suddenly find her so attractive. I am moving closer to her. Our faces are only inches apart. I am staring at her lips. It looks delicious. And I saw her eyes, her eyes smile. I closed my eyes as I started to kiss her lips. I thought she would refuse me. but she didn’t. A few seconds later, she kissed me back. Her lips are so soft and delicious. It was the last memory before I passed out.