I carried Baekhyun all the way to the hospital wing and entred Jongdae's office at last. He was inside, even though it was very late. He was working on his computer, drinking hot coffee, which I could smell as soon as I entered.

He raised his look and saw me with Baekhyun in my hands. His expression changed in a moment. From completely careless to horrified and worried one. 

He had a good reason for it. Baekhyun's clothes were soaked in his blood, even though the cut was only on his wrist. He looked paler each second and his eyes reminded closed, like he was sleeping — well also like he was dead, but I could feel his slow breathing, which was his only movement at that moment.

"Chanyeol!" Jongdae jumped up in shock. "What- What happened to him!" he was shouting.

"I—" I tried to speak, but Jongdae didn't let me.

"—Common, don't waste your time and place him there!" he was already looking for equipment he needed. He pointed at the one single bed in his office. I slowly laid Baekhyun down on a white bed. For a moment I just stared at him, but soon Jongdae came and pushed me away. He started checking Baekhyun's deep wound and cursed. "How did this happen?!" he glared at me with anger in his eyes.

I stepped a bit away from him and tried to find the words to explain what had happened, but nothing came from me. "Can you just help him?" I said at last. 

"I am working on it," for a moment more he looked at Baekhyun's wound, which was still bleeding. Then he walked away to get a bottle of transparent liquid. He cleaned the wound with cotton wool and then walked around again. Baekhyun's wrist was soon in blood again, but Jongdae didn't look too bothered by it. 

"Chanyeol, please leave. We will talk about it later," he told me, but I protested.

"Why would I? Can't I stay here?" I asked.

"You suddenly want to be here with Baekhyun? I thought you didn't like his company and presence..." he said which was the truth, but other way I felt like I had to take care of Baekhyun, now when I screwed everything.

My lips trembled and I didn't know how to answer. "I just- I should..." I couldn't speak, which annoyed me a lot. I sighed and then slowly took my way to the exit.

"I will see you later. You better have a good excuse for this!" he warned me before I left. Suddenly I was on a white and empty hallway. I didn't want to leave. Not yet. Not after everything that had happened. I still had a feeling like I had to be the one helping Baekhyun, not Jongdae. Well Jongdae was a doctor, but I still wished to be the one who would put the things back to its normal state. 

I decided to stay. Jongdae didn't like me in his office. The hallway was dark and only a few lights were on. There were white chairs, standing next to the walls in a row. I sat on one of them and waited. It was quiet and the time just didn't want to pass quiecker. Nobody came by, which didn't surprise me, because it was very late and I actually didn't want anyone with me in the moment. I just wanted to think about everything and settle my mind. 

I kept repeating the same thoughts and questions, but I got on answers. In about 30 minutes I could feel my eyes getting heavy and I thought about going to my room and take a rest, but it still didn't feel right to just leave. I was walking up and down the hallway. I read all the papers, posters and notices about 50 times at least. I couldn't find anything more to keep myself awake. I just sat on one of the seats on the hallway and waited. My eyes were slowly closing themselves, until I completly fell asleep. 

In some moments I felt someone shaking my shoulder and calling my name.

"Chanyeol, Chanyeol, Park Chanyeol!" Jongdae was more and more impatient. I needed time to realise that I had actually fallen asleep. I was lying on all three chairs. My big body didn't fit on them, so my legs were hanging on to the ground. I was still sleepy and I wanted to rest more, but Jongdae didn't let me. 

"What?" I asked and rubbed my sleepy eyes.

"I didn't think I would find you here. You know that your bed is better than this chairs? This is bad for your back and I hope you aren't doing something like that frequently. It could effect your health when you grow older. You were lying in a very unpleasant position. What are you doing here by the way?" he asked at last after giving me a lesson about hurting my back.

I moved to face him and it was true that every bone in my body hurt after sleeping like that. I did my best to pretend like it was nothing, but Jongdae could just see everything. 

"I told you..." he smiled. "Well? Will you tell me or not?" 

I thought about an answer, but again I couldn't think about any good excuse for being here. 'I just felt like I should stay and wait for you to tell me how is Byun doing'  sounded weird and I didn't feel like telling him this. 

I sighed "I don't know," I said and glared at the ground.

"Well, wherever would you explain what happened. Let's go somewhere else too," he said and made me stand up. I almost lost my balance when I stood up and I had to help myself to stand properly. I needed some time to wake up completly and get back to my senses. I followed Jongdae to one of the siderooms in the hallway that he entred.

"Not your office? Why not there?" I glared, but then realized how awkward the question was. I actually just wanted to know Baekhyun's condition, but Jongdae obviously wasn't going to let me see him.

"No, Baekhyun is there and you won't be disturbing him. He needs to rest," he said. "Sit down and explain," he pointed at one of the chairs, meanwhile he sat on the other one. Once I was on the chair he waited for me to explain. I cleared my throat and thought of the way to explain everything.

"Well... Obviously Baekhyun has some hard time and he—" I couldn't end. 

"—Self harmed." Jongdae ended my sentence and I nodded.

"That is exactly what I was about to say."

"I know, that is why I ended your sentence, so you wouldn't need to say it, because I see you are very uncomfortable with it, but tell me.... How come you were there? Why not his friend or anyone else? What were you even doing outside at that time?" he asked.

"Uhhh, Jongdae you are asking many questions," I sighed.

"And I want answers!" He looked at me and I knew I couldn't opposite him. 

"I was just wandeing around and found him..." I said and tried to be short with words.

"Just wandering around? Tell me more," he slowly made me feel uncomfortable with all the questions.

"Look I was just hungry, went to the kitchen and Byun suddenly came by—" I said, but regret.

"—So you met Baekhyun before he self harmed himself?"

I slowly nodded.

"Why didn't you stop him?" he asked.

"I was sure he wouldn't do it!" I rised my voice a bit, but I was still pretty quiet.

"Tell me more details, please," he asked.

I sighed because I was tired of his questions and 'give me more details'. I didn't want to answer on all of them. Actually non of them. I just wanted to know if Baekhyun was alive, not getting questioned what he had done to get in that situation. 

"He ran to the training room," I rolled with my eyes "I just followed him there and found him in tears with one of knives from campus, okay?!" I still didn't want to tell everything.

"You were sure he wouldn't do it even thought you saw him there with the knive? Do you even think with your brain? It was obvious that he was about to do it!" he was mad. "Tell me, do you know why he harmed himself?" he asked. 

I did know why, but even for me some things weren't answered. I didn't know how Baekhyun could be that bothered by bad comments and could break that fast. I didn't want to tell this to Jongdae so I lied.

"I don't know," I said and he sighed.

"Alright, is there anything else you would like to tell me?" he asked and I shook my head. I didn't want to tell him more than this and wanted to leave. "Then, you can go. I mean to your room," he said at last.

"I waited here to hear about Byun and you told me nothing!" I sounded silly again, but it was the truth. It was strange to hear me asking about others, because I mostly just ignored everyones problems, even though they had usually been caused by me.

"I told you that he has to rest. He will be alright, but he needs time to get better. You really didn't think about bringing him here faster?" he rolled his eyes.

"Fine- Umm- You won't let me see him, right?" I slowly asked and Jongdae laughed at it.

"What's up with you? You aren't yourself anymore. However no, you can't see him. Not even in a life or dead situation," he disappointed me.

"Are you serious?" I insisted. 

"Do I look like I am not?" 

"I never know. You are always serious, but from time to time you just decide and act like you were Sehun 2.0."

"I am deadly serious!" he looked at me and I knew he wasn't lying from his eyes. 

"Okay...." I gave up. "I will go then... " I didn't want to spend a second more there. Jongdae was slowly annoying me. I took my way to the exit and left with just a quick goodbye for him and then I hurried to my room. As soon as I came there, I threw myself on my bed. I didn't want to do anything else than take a good sleep now and turn of all my thoughts for some moments. Of course, I wasn't that lucky. I fell asleep immediately, but my mind didn't let me rest well.

The dream I had, gave me just one more retless night and I wished they weren't there. I was good at forcing them away, but this night I couldn't do anything, but fall into them.

I dreamed about my past. I  had forgotten most of it, but the hardest moments were still in my mind. Every scene of my dreams seemed so real that it felt like I was living the same moment again and again. I wished to remember more happy memories and I wanted to forget all the bad ones. I wanted to have joy and happiness in my life which faded away with years. I wanted to forget everything about the person that had brought the pain to me. The one who existed only on the depth end of my heart and memories.

Beakhyun didn't show up for a long time. Everyone else saw him before I could and it bothered me. His friends probably thought I was the one who had done that to Baekhyun, because they kept looking at me with murderous looks. I sent them an even uglier look after that,which actually worked. It always worked on students. 

Junmyeon was furious about everything that had happened. He was shouting at me when he found out that I was involved. 

"How couldn't you help him earlier! You could stop him before anything like this happened! It's very irresponsible from you to just let him harm himself! How come it was right you that met him in the moment?! You! Out of hundreds of other people at this campus! This is unbelivable!" and more came from him. He blamed me for most of the things. It was unfair, but I was slowly getting tired of telling everyone that it wasn't my fault at all. 

I had some long talks with Jongdae, but I mostly just lied. I didn't want to reveal that it was in fact me, who had put Baekhyun into that. I feared he would go against me and tell different story. Everyone would belive him since they cared about him so much. I envied him for all the attention he was getting. It was almost like I was a villain and Bakehyun a hero in a movie. Not fair at all! 

On thursday morning I finally got a glimpse of Baekhyun. It was right after the breakfast and I was about to go to my room. On one of the halways on the second floor I saw him leaving his room. He just shut the door in front of him and then our eyes met.

Baekhyun was pale, but he looked better than on the night I carried him to Jongdae. His bright hair were well combed, showing just a bit of his forehead. He was wearing bright white and blue clothes, for which I guessed weren't his, but hospital's. His look was calm and gave me a feeling like he just woke up from a very good sleep. I also noticed the thick bandages on his left hand and wrist, which were covering his wound.

For sometime we just stared at each other, but then Baekhyun tried to open the door of his room again.

"Byun, wait," I spoke to get his attention again.

"What?" he stopped and looked back at me, while still holding the latch ot the door.

"We haven't seen in a while. I was worried..." my words didn't want to appear again. 

"You were worried? Really?" Baekhyun asked and I slowly nodded. I stayed confident and didn't lose my cool side, but I still felt extremly awkward. "You must be joking. You don't care about it. Why would you anyway?"

"You hurt yourself. I am a major and a trainer here on this campus. Your main trainer. I have to worry and who wouldn't be worried if such a thing happened?!" I tried to find the right words.

"You are the one that put me into this. It is always you who hurts me. First you push me down on the first day, then you set that pool with no good reason, it was also you who effected me to the point when I couldn't deal with the pain anymore! Yes, it was me who did the cut, but while doing it I only heard your words and all the other from the past. You effect negatively all the time!"

He was right. I was actually the one that did all this, but I hated to accept the truth.

"I know, but this doesn't mean I don't care. I did feel bad after all I did! I wished I could go back and make things right-" my voice cracked. I couldn't say more. 

"You never cared. Even if I died that night, you wouldn't-" he gasped and looked away. He pushed the latch of the door down and then tried to enter the room, but I didn't let him. I stepped right next to him before he could enter and I shut the doors close. 

"Why nobody belives me?! Byun, I can't prove you somethings, but I swear, I did care! Maybe it doesn't sould like me, but it's the truth. Think, Byun! If I hadn't cared, then you wouldn't have been here at the moment. I would have left you there to bleed until death. If I hadn't cared, then I wouldn't have spent a whole night, waiting to hear about your condition. I hated to leave once Jongdae didn't let me see you!" I said. Baekhyun was directly in front of me and was looking down to the ground. I could clearly see how his lips trembled and he pressed them together right after that. He avoided eyecontact and stepped a bit away from me. 

"Don't come near me," he said, while still looking at the ground. I didn't move. I was confused and Baekhyun sounded srious about it. I could feel his words cutting through my body and sending me cold shivers.

"Did you even listen to me?" I asked, but he didn't answer. I was loosing my patience. "Yah, I asked you something. Don't ignore! It's childlish," I did a step forward.

"Don't come near me, I said!" Baekhyun rised his voice. He pushed me away from the door of his room. It was strange how easyly he could do it, since I was pretty strong. "I don't care how much you did. Saved me or not, don't do a step closer. You are the one hurting me. Everything would be just fine if you weren't here!" he said with a bit of fear in his voice.

"How do you think you are gonna do that? You can't stay away forever," I said and glared at Baekhyun with contended look.

"I- I- uhh-" Baekhyun muttered and hesitated. 

"You don't know huh? It's because it's impossible. You can't just hide forever! You are at the same campus as me, having private trainings with me. Deal with it, you can't stay hidden forever," he tensed as I said that. "Byun, sometimes you can have stupid ideas. Also no, I am not gonna stay away from you, just because you have problems with your mental health," I suddenly felt like I was too rough with him again.

On my last words Baekhyun's fists tightened and his expression changed. He was mad and I couldn't sense fear anymore. 

In he next moment time slowed down. I saw Baekhyun's right fist approaching to my face. He was trying to hit me, but I caught it only a few inches away from its target. His fist was clenched in mine and Baekhyun looked at me with shock in his eyes.

"You are so predictable, Byun," I sighed like it was nothing that I cought his fist that fast and easily. 

Baekhyun hesitated, but then hit with his other hand. That one was wounded and I thought he wasn't gonna use it, but once again I cought it. I pushed both Baekhyun's hands lower and away from my face, but I only let the right one out of my hand. I was still holding Baekhyun's wounded one.

"You think punching me once again will help you?" I glared at him. He just let out some whimpers, but didn't say anything. "You better think about it. You can't escape problems. You gotta deal with them!" I said and in that moment I clenched my fingers around Baekhyun's wrist tighter. I gained a weak scream from him. I was slowly pushing into his almost healed wound with more strenght.

"Stop it!" Baekhyun shouted once he felt the pain from my hold. He put his free hand on mine and tried to unclench mine, but with no success. I held him tightly and didn't let go. 

"Look, you are trying to escape again. Byun, deal with the pain," I tightened a bit more and Baekhyun screamed again.

"Ahhh, let it go! It hurts!" Baekhyun did a step away and tried to pull his hand away, but I just pulled him back. 

"I know that. Byun, take the pain. Control it," I told him. He kept fighting to free his hand, but after a few moments started to fight the pain. He stopped with pulling and his free hand stopped with trying to free the wounded one. He shut his teary eyes close and breathed deely. For some moments he stayed like this, but then gave up again.

"I can't do that! Let me go!" he yelled and fought again.   

 "You were doing just fine! Why did you give up?! I'm not leaving until you learn your lesson," I said and on that tightened a bit more. I digged my fingers further into the bandages. Baekhyun cursed, fell on his knees and pulled me with him. 

"I- I- can't" tears fell down his cheeks. 

"Yes, you can," I said strictly. "Breathe, forget about the pain, think about something  nice and beautiful, that will relax you," I said. I was surprised that he actually listened and started to calm down slowly. He was still tensed and his right hand was still on mine, but it wasn't fighting to free the other one. He was sobbing and tears were still falling down his cheeks, but he was doing his best to keep this inside him.

"Let me go," he pleaded with weak voice, but I kept holding. I held him like this for a few more moments until I got satisfied with Bakehyun's work. Once I was well pleased I slowly let his hand go.

He pulled his hand away as soon as it was feed and sobbed. He crawled a bit away from me and held his wounded hand to his chest. I stood up and did a step away too. For a moment I just stared at Baekyhun on the ground and thought if I did the right thing.

"Byun, you did good," I said at last and hoped he was about to stop crying. He just glared up at me with fear.

"Good? That I closed the pain inside me? Do you think this helped me? This did nothing good to me. I swear a monster like you should never ever exist! You just hurt everyone around you!" he shouted at me. I thought about what he told me and sighed.

"You think I can only hurt others?" I asked and he nodded. On that I stepped closer to him and bent to get his good hand. He fought at first, but I still caught him and then pulled him up on his legs. Later I took my way to Baekhyun's room and opened the door of it. 

"What are you doing?!" Baekhyun complained and tried to get out of my hold, but I didn't give up. I entred the room and the lights. 

The room was the same as mine, but cleaner and emptier. Baekhyun had to follow behind me, because his hand was still locked in mine. I meoved to Baekhyun's bed and then pulled him to make him sit on it. He was complaining and fighting, but at last he sat on in and glared at me with his ferious eyes. I didn't mind sending him the same mad look, but then looked around the room.

"You think I'm a monster?" I asked.

"You are and I know it. Everyone knows it!" 

"Well, I will show you that even I can be caring!" I said as I saw clean bandages on the table. I went to them and took them from the table. I placed them next to Baekhyun on the bad and the glared at him.

"I can do it alone! Get out!" he yelled at me, but I ignored.

"I am not going anywhere. Not until I am done with you," I shook my head and then took Baekhyun's wounded hand. He snapped it away.

"I said I can do it alone! Leave it!" he was more and more mad.

"You can't do any of this. Jongdae helps you everytime you have to change it. Let me fix what I screwed," I showed my hand and waited for Baekyhun to let me change the bandages. At first he hesitated, but then placed his hand into mine and relaxed a bit. 

I found the end of the bandages and started to remove them. Baekhyun was still mad, but just watched as I slowly did my work. Once the bandages were off I could see his wound that was bleeding again. It was all red and swollen too. 

"It was about to be healed soon-" Baekhyun complained. I didn't reply. I knew it was wrong to hurt him like this again, but in the momet I belived this would help Baekhyun gain strenght for the future. 

I left Baekhyun and looked aroun the room for something to clean the wound. I headed to the bathroom and found paper tissues. I wet them a bit and then came back to him. I took his hand and placed the wet tissues to his wound. He shut his eyes and his lips pressed tightly together, but he didn't say anything. He waited for me to stop. I cleaned the wound well and the placed a clean tissue on it to dry it. I started working with the bandages. I slowly rolled them around his tiny wrist and hand. I was careful to not hurt Baekhyun,  but he still made those painful faces. I didn't know if he was just joking or if he was really in pain. Once I was done I left Baekhyun's hand resting on his lap and I did a step away. 

Our eyes met and I just stared at him like that for a moment. 

"Go," he said and looked away from me. 

"See. I can be caring," I ignored his words. 

"Fine. I am still hurt." 

"I did it better than Jongdae!" 

He shot me a mad look. "The difference is that Jongdae just helps me when I am hurt and you first hurt me and then try to help after you messed up everything!" 

"But—"

"GO!"

Even though he was mad at me, I felt satisfied of my work and didn't have any regrets. I left confident and proud, and it didn't even bother me that he didn't thank me for doing such a great work.