Chapter 20

(a day later)

I was daydreaming on a sofa in the living room. Sooyoung was playing video games next to me and Seulgi was... somewhere. I don't know where she is. After she dropped me home, she disappeared into the day and I haven't seen her ever since. It's been a day and no sign of her. That's not surprising, she's a busybody, but still. I kinda expected her to give me some attention. Sooyoung came today, she appeared out of nowhere, just like Seulgi disappeared. At first I thought someone broke into the house, but nope. It was Sooyoung. 

Sooyoung is a really nice person to be around, she's caring yet edgy sometimes. I don't quite understand why is she being a nanny towards me. Well, she's behaving like a friend. But her true intention is a caretaker. Why is she spending her time on me? As I know, she's a pretty rich woman so why is she sitting here doing nothing with a person who I think doesn't mean much to her. Well, no doubt that Seulgi means a lot to her. But I doubt I mean at least something to her. Though I can be wrong, who knows... I know so little that it's actually funny of me to try to make assumptions about a person who's a mystery to me. 

- Hey, Joohyun. Wanna go for a ride? - Sooyoung asked me and nodded towards the TV screen. I'm bad at video games.

- No... - I answered and was about to go back inside my mind when.

- You know, this is something you and Seulgi have in common. Your weird habit of shutting everything out by drowning deep into your thoughts. Just so you know, it's annoying. It makes me feel like I'm not important or I don't exist. Basically, it's bruising my ego. What is so important that you neglect my presence?

- I... - I was dumbfounded. Did I really make Sooyoung feel neglected? - I'm sorry.

- Don't apologize. It's not like you're gonna change. So what's on your mind? - Sooyoung left the controller and scooted over closer granting me her full attention.

- I'm anxious. I'm lost. And confused. I don't know what's coming and if anything's coming at all. My life has become so unpredictable and spontaneous that it's making me feel dizzy. The unknowing is becoming unbearable. - I'm really frustrated. But Sooyoung doesn't seem surprised to hear such things from me. Am I that obvious or is such a feeling a somewhat constant in the life around Seulgi?

- Seulgi is coming back today. In the evening. Patience is virtue. - Sooyoung stared at me for a few moments then continued. - Sometimes not knowing is a blessing. And soon enough you'll know why. I understand that finding answers and building the picture of what you've gotten in is a necessity for someone like you. But will you be just as thrilled and keen on finding clues and answers when the entire picture will be open before your eyes and an unsolvable task will take the place of unknowing? - she looked at me questioningly. - Don't think too much about it or the feeling gets worse.

With that Sooyoung returned to her game and put me on ignore. And I honestly got more than enough attention and now my brain is fed up with even more questions. Why does everything have to be so complicated? The things Sooyoung just said made me feel slightly... weird. I don't know why, but there's a creepy feeling in the pits of my stomach.

After lunch I fell asleep in the living room. And was woken up by a burning stare. I felt someone watching me so intensely that I just couldn't keep on sleeping. The living room was dimly lit up and on a chair opposite to me sat Seulgi in black slacks and white button-up shirt. She was twirling something in her left fist. I slowly sat up not tearing my eyes off Seulgi. It was quite daring, but I didn't mind the challenge.

- How was your sleep? - Seulgi asked keeping the eye contact. For some reason I had no intention to end it. I was enjoying it like never before.

- It was fine. How was your day?

- Eventful. - the answer was rather short for my liking. But oh well, it's not like I can make Seulgi say more. - I'm sorry for missing. Sooyoung said you were upset with me... I'm glad.

- Glad that I missed you? - I raised my brow at Seulgi. She remained stoic. - What else did you expect? Wasn't it you who made me so fond of your presence?

- It was. - Seulgi ended our eyes contact and focused on whatever was in her fist. Then she resumed not lifting her gaze up. - I checked on your father. You can be proud, Joohyun. Ronald is the best client of mine. He's the successful experiment. Would it offend you that I only saw him and many other as experiment and playthings for my mind? You see Joohyun, I have weird forms of entertainment. I enjoy seeing humans evolve. Unfortunately those whom I have given such a chance did not do the expected. They all failed. And I think I finally know why. Your father loved you just as much as the person he saved. You were able to convince your father of making the right choice. Even if you do not think so, he believed it. You gave him a chance to let go. And now he's free. He will live with no regrets. I wonder what is it like to be granted forgiveness by the one you've let down. I envy Ronald. He's got what I could never have. Say Joohyun, who am I? Who am I after doing what I did? I'm not seeking the forgiveness for giving people what they wanted, no. But I wonder how do you see my deeds. What am I in your eyes?

Seulgi finally lifted her eyes and locked sight with mine. I was taken aback by her words. I didn't expect her to pour anything of the sort on me. Hell, I didn't even know she had such thoughts torturing her on the inside. And the look she's giving me right now. What is it? Is it pleading or is it simply curious? I can't tell. But what am I supposed to answer? I never thought about what Seulgi did. That's not true. I thought about it, a lot. But I never judged her for it. And I honestly don't want to. Why does Seulgi need my opinion so much? Thought it makes me happy that she does. I don't know what to say, but judging by the determination in Seulgi's gaze I guess she's willing to wait however long I need to come up with an answer. I suddenly felt nervous.

- I don't think what you did is bad. It really isn't. You didn't force anyone into it. They all asked for it, knowing the price of their request. However I think it's wrong that you feel so much disappointment in them. It's not you fault that they weren't strong enough to handle the consequences of their choice. I can't tell who are you. Because I don't have any idea. You are a mystery. I have poor assumptions but that's it. However I can tell you how you make me see you. I see you as a person who would protect me till their last breath, I see you as the most fearless person I've ever met. I also see you as someone who lacks emotions. I don't know if it's bad and what caused it. But I wish I could be the one to make you feel again. Would you let me do that?

Seulgi remained unmoving. It's as if she became a statue. She froze and not even a hair moved. Her eyes turned glassy. They were empty. The deep ocean I saw a moment ago was gone. Did I go too far with my last request? Does feeling scare Seulgi that much? What happened that Seulgi refuses to feel things? Why is she so closed off? And what makes her open up to me so spontaneously. It happens out of the blue and then she hides back inside her mind. But this makes me want to lead Seulgi out of her darkness even more than before. I want to be the one to show her to the light. I want to be her light. And now there's nothing that can stop me from reaching my goal. I've set it and won't turn back. No matter what.

- I would. - Seulgi suddenly unfroze. I almost flinched but held myself. Seulgi stood up and came closer. She dropped to her knees and looked me dead into the eyes. - I would let you do anything you ask of me, Joohyun. But would you do what you asked for once I allow it? Will I scare you off? Or will you hold strong? You are a mystery to me as well, Bae Joohyun. And I intend on solving it. For now I see two challenges. Yours is to make me feel again. And mine is to understand you, Joohyun. So for as long as you remain a mystery to me, you have time to do your part. Does such a deal suit you?

- Why does it have to be a deal? - I asked. I thought we were already together forver. After all Seulgi bought me. What does Seulgi think of me? What does she feel? Am I another experiment? Seulgi finally met a person she's not able to read and she want to tear me open. So the deal is me making Seulgi vulnerable by returning feelings to her meanwhile she will demolish my soul so that she could understand every little bit of me. Would my ego let me become a tst subject to save the person I grew attached to? 

- Because for now I don't feel enough to let you crack me open without getting something in return. This is my nature. I live to see people under a microscope. I live to understand what makes them who they are. I live to see their weaknesses and strengths. I desire to understand their qualities and characteristics as if they were a chemical element. But there's a tiny part of me, buried deep inside, that wished for you to make it bigger. That wishes for you to change me. So I am asking you to succeed, Joohyun. I'm begging you to. Because once that small part of me dies, there'll be no me but a machine that can only observe and calculate. You have to keep in mind that we also have a time barrier. My death is nearing us and it won't get postponed. Three years if we're lucky. Do you accept the deal or not?

- I accept the deal. And I will win. - I said with iron determination.

- I sure hope so, Joohyun. - Seulgi took my hand in hers and kissed my knuckles. - I have to live for the night. But tomorrow I promise to spend the entire day with you. Okay?

- Okay.

With that Seulgi stood up and was about to leave. I stopped her. I grabbed her wrist and she turned back to me. She looked into my eyes with such intesity that I felt like I was drowning. Then Seulgi gently cupped my right cheek with her free hand and planted a soft everlasting kiss on my lips. It ended as quick as it started. And I was left standing alone in the empty living room. My hand traced the corners of my lips. I still felt Seulgi's lips on mine although it was just a phantom...