How I wish I can do as Jason Mraz says again and again, because everything is getting really unbearable these days. The talk with her unnie cleared some daze in my head but it’s still cluttered with words that I wish I could have said and words I wish I did not say. I’m not really someone who sulks even in horrible days like this, but maybe she's really weighing down on me to the point of crushing me, molding me into someone else.

I stare ahead, feeling the hard asphalt sidewalk graze my skin despite the soft material I am wearing. Exhausting myself to death tactic worked very well to keep me seated on the same place for long, but it didn't do anything to tame the storm inside my head.

I raise the volume of my ipod, listening as sir Jason Mraz sing the words I really wish I can do.

I won't give up on us.

Easier said than done, especially when the word us is a little blurry around the edges. If the "us" even exists in the way I thought it does, or in a sense I hope it does. I lie on my back feeling my sweat run on the side of my cheeks. The sky is already turning grey like it's joining me in nursing my broken heart. Great, now I am talking like a sappy old man thinking of a sickly cliché like that, but that's just how it is.

It feels like I'm losing myself as her words still echoe in the closet where I sealed them up. It's been a week since I’ve locked those words, cram them in the place where my secret hopes lies. One of them, is as simple and stupid as that when the time comes that the people already forget who we are, she will still be with me. It is my dream that someday we will be living a normal and happy life together, as anything she wants us to be.

Maybe I have been too optimistic because apparently she has other plans. So, I lock everything up, the pain, the false hopes, any other of those stupid thoughts about “us”. I can't deal with them. They'll crush me. They’re already changing me. I have to stop them before they consumes me.

I close my eyes. Try to reign the onslaught of thoughts inside my head. It seems to work. It works on taming my demons a little. A little enough to let me think of the more pressing matters, like what my talk with her Unnie turned out to be.

The older Jung firmly said that I should protect the princess. Jessica’s words are short, clear, and somehow scary. Not to mention friggin’ unfair too.

I cannot even protect myself from the princess. How does her unnie expect me to grant that request (or was that an order)?

The two are them are frustrating as they are beautiful. I don’t even know why I associate with them. They are equally annoying and cold, and that’s probably part of the charm. No wonder, I seem to be enamored of---

I cup my face with my palms cutting myself off before I can finish that thought because that’s a no go. The more pressing matter, protect the princess, I should focus on that. Not the other thoughts, those are not allowed. How am I supposed to look after someone who pulled the trigger and blew my hopes into dust the very second I had the courage to get close? That question is too dramatic, and perhaps grammatically wrong, but that's just how annoyingly entangled everything is.

I laugh miserably at myself and drop my hands to my sides. I am fussing over something stupid again. I know deep down there, I will still take care of Her, without second guessing why. I will still care for that destructive beautiful stranger that says the words I wish I can unhear. Rejection , but her rejection is worst, it's almost lethal.

Something wet drops on my right cheek so I wipe it with the back of my hand. Oh god please don't let it be bird poop. I can not even feel sorry for myself without being mocked by birds. I bring my hand closer to my nose, bracing myself for a foul smell but it does not smell bad.

It smells like salt. A tear.

I open my eyes quickly because I really did not expect that and somehow I wish I kept my eyes close. There goes that piercing stare, I know them all too well. Those scary and beautiful eyes that I should not be seeing here. Not now, so I close my eyes again determined to ignore the person looking down at me. As always she doesn’t really let me have whatever I want. She takes the earphones off my ears slowly, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up when her cold fingers (not) accidentally brush my ears.

"I only have five minutes so listen to me very well."

A scowl forms in my face as I hear that voice. That sadistic symphony is demanding something from me again. I don't want to play her cruel games anymore so I did not open my eyes. I just let her be. She can speak whatever lie she has in mind. I don't care.

I'm just too numb to care. We are both liars anyway.

For once I am wishing my senses will be listening to me instead of being hyper aware of her presence. My nerves are all tingling with that warmth emitting from her cold soul. It’s making me feel helpless. Her breath that is fanning my face almost makes my resolve crumble, but I won’t let her.

I refuse to be part of her ingenious source of amusement. I choose to I ignore her. I lock my jaws still determined to not let her win this time.

"I'm sorry."

I open my eyes and forced myself look directly at my favorite onyx eyes when she said that. Not a fair play Soojung. I try to say without really saying anything.

She is not supposed to apologize for being honest. She never does, so why bother now. Why go out of her way and sit with me in the side walk when she should be somewhere else, anywhere else but here.

"We need to go Krystal." says a far away voice.

Krystal didn't look away when we heard that beacon. She continues to stare at me. Her cold onyx eyes breaks every single wall I work so hard to build around myself to protect me from her.

"Krystal." says that voice again.

She still ignores the calls for her name.

I try to look away because I can't let her do this to me. No not again, the wounds are still raw. The words still won't stop echoing at the back of my head, but she holds on to my face with those cold palms denying my attempts to shield myself from her lies or the pain that ensues with her presence.

I hold her hands with mine to try take them away from me. I can not let her do this. I tightened my hold ready to pull her hands away but I was not able to. She's leaning dangerously close.

Those onyx orbs are doing what they do best. Derailing my thoughts, hypnotizing me with its beauty, making me warm and fuzzy, giving me dam palpitations when I should be trying to resist her, but I can't and I really want to hit her forehead with mine at this very moment because she’s winning as always. When will ever I win against this girl. Certainly, a llama can outsmart a princess even once, but it seems like today is another loser day for me.

In a pathetic attempt to not lose this round, I opt to just close my eyes again. She's cheating with her eyes, that's not a fair move. Not that this is ever a fair game, but still.

"Soojung now."

I let go of the breath I am holding when her manager demanded for her to leave more firmly. I am getting ready to do a very tired fist pump in the air since finally I resisted her for the first time but I never had the chance.

Soft cold lips press hard on my forehead catching me off guard. She didn’t stop there because she kisses my nose next. I just look at her wide eyed, forgetting everything I am thinking before she did that. So freaking unfair Soojung-ah, I whined in my head.

"See you in Tokyo." She whispered to my parted lips.

It's making me dizzy, her breath is making me dizzy and I am trying hard not to break down because my mind can't grasp the idea of what she is doing.

What the HELL is going on Jung Soojung, are the only words I can think of as I made a fool of myself in front of her by doing a very good imitation of a fish out of the water.

She finally let go of my face, making me let go of her hands as well. Her actions seriously contradicts her stinging declaration almost a week ago, and not that I expected anything from her after that but it’s simply not this. It’s annoying how my heart keeps pounding too loudly, distracting me from everything else.

I blink twice raising myself from the ground with my elbows. Unable to process whatever it is that is happening. I crane my neck to look at her. I will just peek. Just one look, she's leaving anyway.

I really should stop peeking. Definitely should stop peeking.

She's still there. It's already dark but I can see her outline, she is sitting with her arms around her knees. Unlike all the days I steal a glance, I fail to notice how beautiful she is because I am too busy controlling my trembling limbs when she kisses me for the third time in the dark sidewalk on the outskirts of town where I first met her.

"Krystal Jung. We. Are. Leaving. NOW."

That shout wherever that came from didn’t even seem to faze Krystal. She stands up gracefully after giving me one last butterfly kiss, without a care in the world. DAMMIT.

I let my back fall heavily on the ground. I cannot even risk another peek because I don't think my mind can take it anymore.

She says we are just fun and games. Well Fun and Games my . It feels like my limbs are all liquefied, my eyes stays wide open. I can still feel how soft her lips are. The ghost of its touch lingers and I stupidly smiled to myself. The onslaught of thoughts are finally calm and almost inexistent.

Maybe I should do self-pity sessions more often because it leads to awesome discoveries. Krystal is so dam good at making cherry knots. Why did she do that?

That question makes me sit up, suddenly feeling like I wanted to pee, although I really don’t want to. I just took a deep breathe, really clueless about the why(s) and the wtf(s). I just look up at the starlit night, maybe the stars could give me better answers, not of those mixed signals.

Great, now what? Ugh, more questions with no answers at all.

I wait for the telltale stings in the middle of my chest, still there. I sighed, absentmindedly brushing my fingers to my lips.