It used to be so easy.

 

 

It used to be so much like living my dreams and more.

 

 

It used to be that f(x) was the best thing that has ever happened to me. It still is, but I am not sure I want it as much as I did years ago, many lifetimes ago it seems.

 

 

 

It was tiring, and physically taxing, but a few broken bones and sleepless nights were nothing compared to what being f(x) was forcing me to be at the moment. I only have to focus not getting any step wrong and playing coy, aloof with you. It was stupid, and harder than it seems because we naturally gravitate towards each other. There’s not even a science or sound explanation to it, we just do and I wish we could have stayed the way before f(x) became known, before people pay too much attention to me and you.

 

 

 

 

I grew up with you taking care of me like you’re my sister and my best friend and you were the one who makes the whole fame and obtuse, sometimes overbearing side effect of lack of privacy feel like it’s less intrusive but we don’t really have any choice at this point. They hate the inevitable and want it to go away, I just have to live through it, so we can still come out in one piece. It was melodramatic but that was how it felt like, and you had the nerve to lie and hide something important. I wish I can fight you ‘till you tell me, but it’s getting more and more obvious that I can’t do anything about it. You didn’t give me a choice and I can’t even hate you for not giving me one. I can only over think, at the most inconvenient times.

 

 

 

We were currently performing red light. I don’t know if I remember the steps correctly, but I was able to keep up with the music, overthinking still.

 

 

 

My deductions were probably off about whatever it is that was happening, but I am sure that the company has something to do with it, especially since Jessica seemed more agitated the past few days. The company cannot harm me or my career apparently, she would say, but how about my sanity?

 

 

 

I didn’t voice that out to anyone because it will just get them to shut me off more, but at the moment, dancing in close circles with you, I wish I can shout at the universe for making it harder than it was supposed to be. I just want to dance and sing with you, what’s so bad about that?

 

 

 

We were almost to the red light’s ending pose when you finally met my eyes. The emptiness in your eyes match with mine but we didn’t miss a beat finishing the song with convincing pose, game face on. At least we are still good at being f(x), at least the day is finally over.

 

 

xxx

 

 

You were spending too much time with that girl (your girlfriend) and I think I’m getting used to it. It’s not hard to get used to the prickling in my chest and the annoying feeling that you were cheating on me, because there’s no cheating when there’s no relationship, and it’s all convoluted because you were with her apparently. I refused to cry more over it. At least I am away from you, or so I tell myself.

 

 

 

 

Purposefully ignoring your calls was easy, not the first time I’ve done it, but watching you perform on the screen instead of being there to cheer for you or at least be on the same continent as you felt like cheating too. It felt like I am cheating on myself that I don’t feel proud and disappointed every time you lose on those voting contests. It’s not that I think you cared much about winning trophies it’s more like you were proud of it, the song, the production and art of it and you want them to like it too. I love it stupid. I love it but I can’t tell you that. Elin was with you anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

The soft breeze makes the leaves dance to the rhythm of the soft chatter of the people coming and going around me. I was seated in the middle of an old city. There were tourists and white noise and scenic view, but the spectacle was peaceful still and at least it makes staying away from you not as suffocating as I anticipated. You insisted on it and I want to tell you off but the adults have made the decision as well. They were always making the wrong ones.

 

 

 

 

 

I sipped the tea and watched the people move languidly nearby.

 

 

 

 

I wish I could live the same life they do sometimes, no unwritten rules and shackles made of few well-chosen words just because I wanted to sing and dance with you and them. The people around me were oblivious to the fact that you were about to perform that happy song again. I wonder if you still have that empty look in your eyes like the last time, I watched you on the screen. I hate watching you like that but I still opened the app in my phone, so I won’t miss your performance, so I won’t miss you.

 

 

 

 

It was boring watching the others, but I endured it, letting the breeze caress my skin as I look unseeingly at the screen, impatient. The buzz of the tourists in all directions were comforting, at least. You were blond, I like black hair on you better, but blond is a great look on you too.

 

 

 

You are an amazing performer as always.

 

 

 

 

I am not much into the genre of music you were singing and dancing, but I enjoyed watching you. You were as enthralling as you’ve always been, and I miss you more as you sing and dance your heart out. You looked thin and a bit more out of breath than usual when the song ended but the fake smile didn’t falter. I wish I didn’t know that those smiles were fake, like how I wish I could look away from you and just watch the people around me again.

 

 

 

 

The old cities are nice, and the tourist were too, interesting, entertaining, but not as entertaining as watching you charm your way into the hearts of people around you. You were so good at fan service too. Playful with everyone and my eyes didn’t even twitch when you playfully danced with her. Nothing would compare to when you were with Elin anymore.

 

 

 

It’s one of those realities I wish I could ignore or erase from memory because it’s one of those truths that makes it hard to swallow but are apparently necessary for whatever reason. It that sometimes when I look at you and Elin it looked and felt so real that I cannot look away because it felt like she will take you away where I cannot look anymore.

 

 

 

 

There were regrets and longing stack piling in my chest and I willed badly for them to go away because you wanted this. You told me you wanted this, and I let you have it even if I wanted you, at this moment I really really wanted you, to be here so I can erase the sadness in your eyes, take away its emptiness. It’s okay if you didn’t win, you already made a great song, did great performing it, and it’s okay that some of them didn’t like it, I like it enough for the rest of them. It’s okay.

 

 

 

I looked away from my phone upset because I can’t have you no matter how much I want you. I can’t be close or even call you and it’s not okay anymore, but it’s necessary, allegedly it’s for the best. I just hope Elin could make it feel better because if she can’t, what was the point of it all?

 

 

 

 

I looked back to my phone just in time for when the camera zoomed in to your face one more time before you walked off the stage. You were still smiling that stupid smile. It’s heartbreaking to watch you keep smiling for the crowd that don’t appreciate you enough. The bitterness in my thoughts were poison but I cannot do anything about it, it’s illogical even. People are free to like what they like, or so they should (so should I too).

 

 

 

 

 

The afternoon was warm and the tea I am sipping was supposed to be good but the bitterness in my throat won’t let me enjoy it. At least the smell emitting from it is calming, juxtapose to the warring feelings inside me that I wish I could tune out off.

 

 

 

I ignored Jessica’s incoming call, intent on watching the afternoon went away with the shadows and the heaviness of the lie: it’s okay.

 

 

 

 

xxx

 

 

Birdy’s version of Skinny Love is playing in the van like a sick joke, and I wish I could run away from where I was seated between Luna and you. You were fidgeting in your seat, and I glared at you to stop because you were not helping.

 

 

 

 

My nerves were hyperaware of your presence and my heart won’t stop racing just because I can feel our limbs touching and you were not moving away anymore, or you were forced too. I haven’t talked to or seen you for weeks and it felt like being able to breathe freely again with you close. The dread was still lingering at the back of my mind but I’m just glad to have you beside me.

 

 

 

 

Skinny love was just a sick background music for how my senses were humming with you here. It’s okay is not much of a lie anymore.

 

 

 

 

Your eyes still look empty, but your smiles were more genuine, you were even stupidly talkative again. I can’t wish for anything more at the moment or maybe not, you leaned in a bit to ask them to change the song. It’s making you uncomfortable too, serves you right.

 

 

 

 

The opening tone of the next song makes me glare at you some more like it was your fault that the playlist for the drive to the airport is really some sick joke. Sam Smith’s voice echoes in the close quarters of the van and I thought of pinching you because it is your fault. I’m not the only one filters through my senses, and I chuckled in disbelief unable to stop myself. Luna turned to the two of us nervously, she even offered to change seats with me, but I shake my head no.

 

 

 

 

You should live with your choice like how I live with mine.

 

 

 

 

You sighed and started a conversation with the manager in hopes to drown the lyrics that really sound like a sick joke on the two of us. I opt to check messages on my phone, intent on letting you act like nothing has happened. We were getting better at faking normal.

 

 

 

~cause when you call me baby, I know I’m not the only one

 

 

 

 

Luna asked for a selca with the two of us, probably to break the uncomfortable air and we indulged her, happy that she was still with us on whatever it is that was happening. Luna even pulled me closer and allowed her to, determined to smile as convincingly as I could, you did too, annoyingly close. I could feel you breathe in my cheeks.

 

 

 

 

The warmth crawling from the tips of my ears to my chest was frustrating but I didn’t move away, until I can’t take the stuttering of my heart anymore. It was only split second but it was overwhelming, so I shifted a bit away from you. You didn’t comment on it, but I can see your smile at the screen got a bit more forced and I have to stop myself from apologizing.

 

 

I hate what you did to us. I hate what I did to us. Luna told us that she won’t post anything because it’s supposed to be a surprise. I smiled at her and started with the small talk, curious on what she has been busy on, even Luna has been distant. It was a sad realization, and I took time to actually pay attention to the conversation. Luna unnie sounds happy and determined as always. She at least seemed to have things figured out. I ignored you even when you moved a bit closer to join Luna and I’s conversation.

 

 

Your fingers were absentmindedly drawing weird shaped on my right thigh. It’s a nervous habit. I ignored that too and try to force the dead dragons in my stomach to calm down or get back to the grave where they were from, because they were suddenly dancing in my stomach following the patterns of your fingers in my skin.

 

 

 

I sincerely hate how you made me melodramatic and a sap(idiot) but that’s not priority at the moment.

 

 

 

It just felt great to breathe freely again.

 

 

 

xxx

 

 

 

We were done performing a while ago but here I am still standing at the shadows, watching you perform Shake that Brass up close and I want to look smugly at everyone else watching you.

 

 

You were good, as always, never mind who you were dancing with and that you were a bit tired. You were on your element, dancing and singing with genuine happiness, purpose in your movements. My soul is singing with the crowd, and I find that I am intent watching you for the first time perform this song at the dark corner of the backstage.

 

 

At least they are not paying attention to me here. All eyes on you, and Taeyon unnie. I am honestly ambivalent towards the fact that they made you perform it with her or that she was featured in your song. I think you could do well regardless but like me you just want to sing and dance; we were alike like that. You were probably just into the fact that they would let you perform your own song this time, other whatnots and semantics doesn’t matter.

 

 

 

 

I am so proud that you are singing your own songs and I couldn’t look away even if I want to. Watching you on screen is very dull in comparison towards the real time performance. It was madness and you owned it, it was ending though, and I should be moving back towards the shadows but I want to see your eyes not so empty and I am hoping that I would see it again there so I lingered despite all other things considered. You were bowing down and I can just see your back from where I am but didn’t move, still waiting.

 

 

 

You started walking to backstage, the light in your eyes were dimmer than I hoped for, but it was there and I smiled before walking away to where they were waiting to drive me to place where f(x) will be staying.

 

 

 

 

The tiredness crept quickly through my muscles, and I wish I took the shorter way to the waiting area but it was too late for that already. I was almost to the corridor leading to the area when you caught on me. I smelt you before I feel you hold on to my arm.

 

 

 

You were breathing heavily when I turned to you. Some people looked to our direction, but they lose their interest easily, thankfully they ignored the two of us as I looked at you with raised eyebrows. Sweat run down the sides of your face, but you seemed normal. It was a welcome sight, normal. It’s the only thing I can hope for these days. At least there’s no Elin here. I bit my lip at that thought.

 

 

 

“Did you like it? Is it okay”

 

 

I didn’t get what you were talking about at first until it dawned to me that you were talking about your performance.

 

 

I smiled before answering, I can tell you now.

 

 

 

“It is” I smiled bigger. “You killed it, I’m proud of you stupid.”

 

 

 

 

The emptiness seemed to have faded away with the words I have said and I almost pulled you to an embraced but I can’t, not with the bright lights, not with the worry in your brows, despite the genuine smile in your face. You nodded pleased, but unable to say anything else so I started to walk again.

 

 

 

 

You didn’t follow as expected. You still have to join the closing song.

 

 

 

“Thank you princess.” You shouted embarrassingly and I didn’t turn, walking a bit faster but with spring in my steps this time. I have to force an annoying smile off of my face before opening the passenger’s seat of the car waiting for me. Stupid.

 

 

xxx

 

 

The red wine and the music were soothing. You probably didn’t like Frank Sinatra but you didn’t comment on it. You were sitting far away from me ogling at the paintings decorating the room. They did well choosing the place for our three day stay. Luna opts to stay at the other room, tired from the excitement and socializing, I wish I could follow her but I didn’t.

 

 

 

 

You stayed awake with me, and we weren’t talking but I wouldn’t want it any less. We were finally alone again after that day at the practice room. It was just a bittersweet dream which I hope would stay that way, but it didn’t. You were giving me a wide berth probably afraid to get too close to suffocate me or say the wrong things yet again, or was it me who was afraid to do either of those. At least we are not shouting at each other or lying through our teeth.

 

 

 

 

You took a sip at the wine and frowned at it.

 

 

 

 

I was watching you from the rim of my glass, it was fascinating how you have changed back into someone I don’t know now that the two of us were alone. There was distance but you still felt familiar like a stranger I kept seeing just because you live at the same building. It was infuriating but gratifying just the same because you were not bolting or lying. We are facing the music, even if we both hate it, even if we were just forced to or I was.

 

 

 

 

I broke the silence when you turned your back on me again.

 

 

 

 

“They gave me a go to open a public IG.” I said in my bored tone, and it seemed to have caught your attention because you spun around almost too quickly.

 

 

 

“Oh, why? I mean why aren’t you opening an account then?” You were forcing your voice to be casual, and you could have fooled me if only I didn’t know you. You were nervous. I put the wine glass down.

 

 

“Calm down stupid.”

 

 

“I know they have to have access on that and all that but do they at least let you choose an account name for yourself?” You ignored my quip, with an almost petulant pout as you feign interest or something.

 

 

“Actually I can think of one already.”

 

 

“I bet it’s mercurial or something, surprise me.”

 

 

 

“vous me voyez.”

 

 

 

“what was that?” You looked really lost, confused, normal. I miss you.

 

 

 

“vous me voyez” I repeated, watching the confusion on your face, then there was a familiar at awe expression too, it’s giving me a whiplash.

 

 

“vomvoy whatever, what’s that even supposed to mean?” You were being unfair with your eyes and the distance and the expression in your face. You looked just as lost as me, hopeless. I didn’t answer, opting to take another sip of the wine.

 

 

 

“Fine, just tell me later. Can I take your picture?”

 

 

 

I was taken aback when you offered. It has been too long since you took pictures of me, it reminds me of that night in the theater. I can only ask “Why?”

 

 

“You’re making a public IG, I’ll take your picture unless you already have something to post or you’ve already made one.” Your explanation was lost in me as you moved to raise your phone to my face. Probably to ask permission and you shouldn’t have to, you used to not to have to but that was lifetimes ago, and that was before Elin.

 

 

 

 

Elin’s smiling face was your lock screen, I caught a glimpse of it and I want to start a fight with you or hurt you or make you go away but I can’t. It will be hard to breathe again even if that would probably not make much of a difference with how much my throat was constricting with my heart stuttering almost too softly. I looked away, nodding slowly to let you know that I’m okay with you taking pictures of me.

 

 

 

 

You must have purposefully put a shutter tone because I heard it over the lull of the music. It made me looked directly at you, resigned that this is how it will be. Even the inevitable ends somewhere. At least you are still here. You still are so I stared at you till you can’t look at me anymore, willing you to see the things I wish I could tell you but I couldn’t, no, not anymore.