I pulled down the headset to let it dangle in my neck. The computer screen was blaring brightly. I refreshed my browser for the nth time with crossed fingers. The fanacc has not been altered hours after it has become viral. There's no hint that anyone will try to make it less like what it is, or what I thought it is.

 

 

 

No one gave a more compelling explanation than that they were doing it as friends, or so everyone has said.

 

 

 

Llama life is supposed to be fun. It's supposedly lived in a simple way where I try sharing happiness with everyone. Sharing my love for music and dance and all the other stuffs that can make people happy and that's what I've been busy doing these days, but there just seems to be a part of llama existence that I just can't get right.

 

 

 

It involves, long black hair, cold onyx eyes, and that damn pretty face, "Krystal mania", or more appropriately helplessly irreversibly in love with Krystal state of living this kind of life. Don't get it wrong, I love every second of being in love with her because well it's Krystal, it's not hard to love every moment, the good the bad the ugly. It's just that my brain cells seems to be a little rusted when it comes to things involving Krystal.

 

 

 

The almost unrecognizable view of her back towards the camera with none other than that annoying CNBlue drummer boy makes me throw my iPhone out of frustration. It’s irrational.

 

 

 

I could've verified it faster than anyone if only she is sending a reply to my text messages or better yet answering my calls. We haven't talked about what happened the other morning when Jackie suddenly decided that it's nice to be nosy when she has consumed alcohol and it's really starting to get annoying that the youngest Jung choose the easy way out of the confrontation again.

 

 

As if ignoring me can make any difference to the situation we are stuck in at this point. My llama kind will surely disown me if I let her go, and not just that, I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself if I just let it happen without a fight, claws and bars and other zombie apocalypse necessities. The day that I let her go will be the apocalypse for me, so yeah, not without me kicking and screaming and maybe using those bad giant nailing equipment. Although I hope that won't be necessary. It's just hard to see me without her.

 

 

 

I sincerely loathe the last two words of that thought.

 

 

 

I ruffled my already messy hair, redoing the candle lights scene in my head again and again, with the stupidest smile on my face. It felt like I'm just llama furs no bones or muscles whenever it flashes back on my mind. I know it's a little over rated but who cares, I just.. It's just, well. It's. . .

 

.
 

Krystal Jung.
 

.
 

Her Kisses.
 

.
 

Her Sticky stares.
 

.
 

Her Smiles.
 

.
 

Those Silent Promises.
 

.
 

Her Kisses.
 

.
 

.
 

.
 

She loves me that doesn’t follow the pattern but she does. I felt it. I don't have to believe it just yet, but I felt it and it's not a dream, I knew it wasn't because she made sure I will not forget it wasn't. The feelings lingers, the tenderness, even after the exhausting verbal match with my sister. Maybe I shouted at Jackie like that out of annoyance, or so I said to myself. I still feel bad though. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

Oh God, I think we're beyond puke-able that day in Jackie's eyes that's why she snapped, but she didn't see it, it's only me and Krystal, it's our secret. Our deepest darkest secret. No that's wrong to name it, that, it's not dark. It's too beautiful to be dark, or is it...that's why Soojungie is with that drummer guy because it's her deepest darkest secret, and that freaking drummer guy is getting in the picture again.

 

 

 

I pulled my hair forcefully getting frustrated of myself.

 

 

 

I'm never the jealous type. Llamas are not jealous types, we are just protective. Yeah, really protective and that Minhyuk guy is worse than Kai. I find him more attractive than Kai to be perfectly honest, and he's not as petty as Kai is most of the time. And…

 

 

 

 

I sat up when I heard a loud knocking in my bedroom door. My mind’s just too all over the place to be dealing with anyone, but I just can't ignore whoever that someone is. I took off the headset in my neck before dragging my body towards the door.

 

 

 

Then in came one of my favorite visitors. Minah immediately got herself settled in her favorite spot, ignoring me completely as I lazily laid down beside her on the mattress.

 

 

 

 

We stayed quiet for a good five minutes I think before she decided to stop my internal battle of whether or not I should just sneak to Krystal's place tonight before I go out of my bonkers or whether or not Minyhuk is really less annoying than Kai.

 

 

"llama face why aren't you doing your job?"

 

 

"I would've been doing it if you're not here Minah. What's up?"

 

 

I rest my cheeks on my covers to look at her with an amused expression. Minah has her bare face on and her eyebrows were not drawn properly. She's still beautiful as ever though, but not as beautiful as Krystal of course. That's a different level of beautiful, that's unearthly, something I can't name but she's beyond beautiful so that word doesn't cut it. Krys-

 

"Hey! you asked me but you're not even listening. What's going on it that tiny head of yours?"

 

"Tiny? Really now?" I chuckled at her expression before teasing Minah. I like teasing her. "I'm thinking of you, and how ah-fine you look in your mom's wardrobe."

 

"FYI Liu, my mom dresses better that you."

 

"How come? Does she always look y? I always look y. Didn't I?" I bit my lower lip and batted my lashes for the desired effect which came in a form of a pillow shoved in my face harshly.

 

 

"God, stop doing that. Anyway, where's Jackie unnie? I want to say hi and she's better company than the stooopid llama here."

 

"I thought you hate that nickname?" I piped in too suddenly or my liking.

"Only because you love it." she said nonchalantly ignoring my supposedly fishy behavior. She even paused dramatically probably with a grimace, I'm not really present in the conversation to be interested in her next words because I'm busy thinking about soojung with minhyuk.

 

 

"Ber I swear if you won't stop doing aegyo I will jump you and send the vid directly to the Jung house."

 

The word Jung is the first word that registered. Followed by jump and aegyo. My eyes almost pop out of their sockets when my brain interpreted those three words.

 

 

I sat up comically fast, with my hands in front of me, gesturing like I'm trying to explain but no coherent words came out. Minah was cackling loudly. A witch like one. I glared at her. I wish I can imitate Soojung's glare sometimes I'm sure it'll stop Minah from making fun of me.

 

 

"Okay, I'll behave. HAHAHAHA, but seriously Ber, tell me. What's going on, why is "Jackie" being a touchy subject?"

 

"Can I pass?"

 

"Ah not really. You look like you need to talk anyway. So..."

 

"We're having a little tiny bit of a misunderstanding."

 

"Then fix it, I don't think it's that hard if it's indeed "little tiny bit". " She's eyeing me sharply, like she knows that I was not telling everything. I don't know if I should tell her but I think I'll go crazy if I don't, because Jackie and I were not really that fine and Krystal was not answering my calls and that drummer guy. That...

 

 

"Eww, stop bitting your nails. Give me that" Mina held my hand in her hands firmly and she didn't speak until I meet her eyes. "Don't tell me, then, but you should know that you can't have all the answers at once, and that sometimes it's better to let the pieces fit together on their own."

 

"Where did that come from?"

 

"You have the Krystal look in your eyes ber." I frowned at her at that, before looking down on our hands.

 

 

It's funny how I think it looked wrong just by staring at it. It's as if I can't see my hand being held by anyone else that'll look right in my eyes. My throat became too dry all of a sudden.

 

 

 

It’s getting scary. It’s probably because I've been carrying this in my chest way too long, and now that finally that unexpected was happening it felt like it's bigger than me. It's confusing me without really knowing what should be the source of confusion. Maybe I should just admit that I am not comfortable with her being driven by that Minyhuk guy even if I don’t know why and that this conversation was making but I need it somehow. I need to hear thoughts that are not coming from my head.

 

 

 

There's a silence hanging around the room but it's not comfortable. It’s heavy, really heavy and it's weighing down on me for whatever reason. Thankfully, Minah broke it, her tone morose.

 

"As much as I really don't like it that you have that look, I'm not in any position to tell you not to have that, but if this little tiny bit thing between you and Jackie is about the younger Jung maybe you should hear your sister out too, because let's be honest here ber when it comes to your best friend you don't listen to anyone else."

 

"You know that, that that's not true, I listened to you guys, to Min and the others about the technicalities and other so and so and it became a mess. It's really a mess, more of a disaster, so I tried the other way around. I think it worked although.. I..I don't know."

 

"Amber, we're just looking out for you okay. We all know that you are certainly not the first person to fall in love with her straight best friend. It's really a painful cliché and it hurts us, because you are so much full of light energy and happiness and all the other good things but it seems like this is all the good in you."

 

 

"You don't know what you're talking about. I. She. We love each other. She loves me Minah. She does. She really do. Krystal kissed me." I covered my mouth as soon as the words escapes.

 

 

I don't want to tell Minah that part but it gushed out the words. The frustrations, the longing, the annoyance, because I hate it that they think that Krystal is not good for me because on the contrary, on the reality Jung Soojung she is. Krystal may not be anything they hope for, but she is everything I could have ask and more. A soft smile touched my lips before I look up to meet Minah’s eyes. She’s looking at me sadly and I hate it.

 

 

"Trust me on this please. I'll prove to you and our friends and Jackie that this isn't what you all think it is."

 

"Please" I added softly.

 

 

"I honestly don’t understand why you’re so hang up on her but..." she stopped midsentence just looking at me and it’s making my hands feels clammy.  

 

Minah was scrutinizing my face and I tried to keep it passive, but it's hard, thoroughly hard for me to masks my emotions. It's not my specialty. It's Krystal's.

 

 

A few more seconds pass with her just contemplating, analyzing the look on my face perhaps. I didn't move. I didn't speak. I just let her.

 

Minah smiled before talking again. My favorite Minah loopsided smile because it's nice and sincere.

"Okay kiddo, but talk to Jackie." that's all she said, but that's enough. I smiled back at her.

"Why is there always a ‘but’ with you?" I whined playfully, feeling lighter.

"Do you want me not to be okay with this? You know I can easily tell Woori about your latest ah stupidity. I'm sure she'll love to hear you exchanging kisses with-"

"I'll tell her. I mean yeah I probably will."

"I'm just teasing ber. Tell her if you want to, when you're ready. Thank you anyway." She ruffled my hair affectionately before hitting me with a pillow. I just gape at her, feeling a little confused of her actions.

 

"It's not supposed to slip isn't it? You're impossible and cute. Ber ber!" She pinched my cheeks as she baby talked me her face close. I wanted to push her away but I didn't. It just feels nice that at least I have them. Jackie will come around for sure and she and Minah and all of them will support me in this. I know they would.

I gave her another fat grin before protesting half-heartedly.

"Hey!"

"Don't worry, your secret is safe."

She stood up suddenly after winking at me with those sticky eyes that just makes me feel meh.

 

"Anyway, I came here because I wanted to invite you and Jackie to a party. You can bring our favorite friend of yours if you want." She said in a casual tone as she stretched like a cat. Her stance looked as relax as how it has always been.

 

 

 

I'm still not sure if she believes me but at least she's okay with everything and she'll back me up with Jackie. I know I shouldn't be feeling scared about talking to my sister about things because deep down I know Jackie understands. It's just that Jackie’s being stubborn. She's Krystal's runner up to that...

 

 

My line of thought got lost when my visitor gave a tiny squeak in front of my desktop. I swear I'm don't have anything or something. It's followed by a very intelligible "Oh."

 

 

 

Minah and I both stared at my desktop. I forgot to close a twitter tab and the fanacc of Krystal's visit to the pinoccio set was maximized with the haunting view of her back with the drummer guy.

 

 

 

It really made me feel annoyed so I looked away from it only to be met by Minah's questioning gaze. She's looking at me with raised eyebrows and she looked like she wanted to badly say I told you so, but she didn't. I'm just glad she didn't. She closed the window instead, before dragging my swivel chair towards the bed.

 

"Amber." Her voice was gentle I can hear pity on it. I don't need her pity.

"That's- I don't know."

"You don't have to explain anything. Actually you don't have to say anything if you don't want to. Don't worry kiddo. I told you I got your back right. I still got your back but I can't promise I won't do anything to our friend if she..."

 

 

I gritted my teeth unconsciously.

 

 

I wonder when my friends will see it in my perspective. Maybe they have been seeing this going on for awhile and that's all they see, it is the Krystal and me they always see. They’ve got so used to it that they don't want to see it in any other way.

 

 

I hate it, I don’t like hate but I really really hate it. It's making my head throb hard. There’s the bad feeling pulsating in the back of my mind that something is wrong, even though in my heart everything felt right somehow. Somehow it does, even if it reality is still not aligned in a way that would have made everything easy and perfect.

 

 

I don't know what to say anymore so I kept quiet. I don't think talking the way I do will work, it'll just make me end up sounding defensive.

 

Again Minah's statement hang in the air for a long period and it actually made my llama brain cells wonder if she's doing this for the theatrics. Like adding cinematography to our talks or something, but we are certainly not in a movie. Minah finally speaks again.

 

 

"What I want to say is that, uh, don't get it wrong ber. It's just this has been going on and on for almost since we become friends. I know it's a bit unfair to her that we're thinking of it like this.. It's matic. I know, I'm sorry because it's making it hard for you but never forget that we care for you okay? and" a sigh before she continued as if she's resigned on whatever she's saying it didn't reassure me but I liked hearing what she's says next. "I mean I care for her too, because you do. I love what you love, too."

 

I just look at her with glossy eyes and trembling lips.

 

 

"Thanks." It's the only word I can manage and it's enough because she's back in front of my desktop, scrolling down on my files like she normally does. It still felt normal somehow even though it isn't.

 

* * *

 

There we're things that I know I should be doing and things I know I shouldn't be doing. The one that I was about to do definitely falls on the latter. Perhaps it’s one of the bravest and stupidest thing I will ever do this year and it’s scary, rejection will kill me, but rejection is better than nothing. I know the aspects of my personality touched by this decision run deeper than just the surface and it's making me almost black out from anxiety and nervousness. I honestly never thought that it would be this hard but there's no backing out now.

 

 

 

It's time to just bite the bullet and wear my big girl pants on. Some may think it’s a tad bit selfish, but it’s me being foolishly honest with raw intentions. Not to mention a little too sappy for my liking. It will probably gain a lot of hate in just a snap of a finger if the outside world will know about it but I guess it's time for the "just screw it" mentality. It's my happiness in the line. Besides, it's getting too obvious that I am powerless against her, and it's driving me to the edge so I have to do something.

 

 

 

The buzzer sounds but the door didn't open. I felt my heart went up to my throat when I heard my favorite voice again.

 

 

 

 

It's been days since the Jackie incident and I'm going nuts not hearing from Krystal, especially when she's seen with that drummer guy. I really should learn playing drums too if she like those types although I doubt she does. My mind is on its analysis about Minhyuk again but I'm still smiling like an idiot because her voice came out sleepy on the intercom as expected.

 

 

 

"Go home Amber unnie. You shouldn't be here."

 

 

 

An annoying surge of giddiness overwhelm me as I imagine her half open eyelids as she whisper softly to the device. My grin got bigger to the point that it makes my cheeks ache. Suddenly my palms are sweaty so I opt to tap my hands on my thighs to make the nervousness go away. I can't go popping with the thing hanging behind me.

 

 

It takes a few heatbeats before I was able to find my voice. Finally, God I don't know it's this hard.

 

 

"Soojungie please let's talk." I grimaced at the sound of my own voice. Amber Liu is y and smooth and I am not a puppy. I'm a llama. Llama's are y I'm just nervous. Terribly nervous, I hope I don't pass out.

 

 

No answer came from the other side of the door after a minute so I pressed the button again, before raising my arms, fingers at ready. This is it. I took a very deep breathe as I wait for the irritated reply, she'll probably yell. It makes me chuckle a little, nervous or not I'm a er for a sleepy annoyed Jung.

 

 

"Stupid! can't you take a hint? It's-"

 

 

The plucking at the start of this song has always been my favorite so I was doing it almost flawlessly. I'm already patting my llama back since well my fingers are trembling at the moment. Thankfully it got me the element of surprise that I needed, before I start singing without any interruption. I know it's a little too much, but screw it.

 

 

"Said all I want from you is too see you tomorrow." even I was surprise that it came out well so I continued louder this time.

 

"And every tomorrow, Soojung will you let me borrow your-"

 

"AMBER LIU! what the hell?! Stop."

 

"Is it too much too ask for every Sunday?"

 

"Oh my God don't sing too loud the neighbors, Mom." "And while we're at it, throw in every other day to start"

 

She's in front of me now. On her PJs, and my tshirt and I forget the lyrics because I'm just staring at her, with the biggest smile I've ever had since the last time we saw each other. She has her signature glare and a messy bed hair.

 

 

"What do you think you're doing?!"

 

 

I'm not sure if that's what she says because she's pulling me inside her place after looking warily at the hallway. I bet she's worried about other people hearing me singing at this time of the day, but I don't know if I care about it at the moment. She's here and she's real and I should still be singing because she'll nag at me but I can't remember the next lyrics and I'm blabbering in my head as I kept on staring at her with the stupid grin in my face because she looks happy to see me too, in her own way.

 

 

"Stupid! what now?! You better have a good explanation why you are acting more stupid that you have always been, because..because.." she moves her hands wildly like she's trying to explain something that she can't have a word for. I always loved it when she lose her smart mouth whenever I caught her of guard and it gives me a little courage out of embarrassment and all the feelings that are overflowing out of my really warm body at her presence.

 

"Can I continue singing?" I asked cheekily enjoying the wide eyed, almost panicking look on her face. My llama lot must be proud of me, I'm making the Krystal Jung less verbose and blushing and adorable.

 

 

"What?! Why?! Why are you singing? I wanted to hit you so badly now. I swear I will-"

 

Absolutely adorable.

 

"Now how about I'd be the last voice you hear tonight?" my voice sounds funny because I'm smiling as I sing looking at her. Only her, even though I can feel her Mom's piercing stare at the side of my face. We haven't even made it to the living room. We are just standing in front of each other near their coat rack, but I feel bold, happy and giddy.

 

"Amber!"

 

"And every other night for the rest of the nights that there are" she's hitting me with her slippers but I didn't stop because she's so irritated and desperate to make me stop but I can see the smile threatening to grace me with its presence.

 

"Kids" It's her mom’s familiar warning tone. Mrs. Jung usually use that whenever we're getting a little heated on our arguments when we we're younger, but we are not arguing because I am singing my heart out to Krystal and she didn't look please, more of pissed and adorable, but I need that smile.

 

 

We both ignore Mrs. Jung.

 

 

"Every morning I just wanna see you staring back at me." she stops hitting me, whipping her head to the sides her body turned away from me. Krystal warned me as she does this. Her tone was quiet, but I heard the smile on it so I held on to her wrist letting go of the guitar completely. Don't laugh while imagining me with the guitar kids. It's the theatrics, it does the trick sometimes.

 

 

"Stupid.Stop.Singing."

 

I did, I got the smile I wanted, all the theatrics aimed for that, or that's my excuse because I'm feeling romantic, sickeningly romantic. Although I don't know if I'll still live after this, but I face my death with the brightest smile in my face.

 

"Hello Princess. No more singing promise."