The warm fingers running through my hair wakes me up from slumber. I didn't have to open my eyes to know whose fingers are combing through my hair because only one person plays with my hair like this. I feign sleep so as not to disturb you from doing what you’re doing.

 

 

 

I can hear you hum ending page. You're breathing close to my forehead. Really now amber?! ending page?

 

 

 

I want to smack you hard with anything but the fear of you creating that stupid distance between us again stops me from doing so. Things have gone from worst to ugly after the day you permanently ruined my idea about sunrise.

 

 

 

 

A breath longer than normal escapes from my slightly parted lips, thankfully you didn't notice, but I don't like taking my chances at the moment, not on this. I forcefully tried to stop my musings and pay close attention to regulating my breathing so I can keep up with my pretend asleep tactic. You don't seem to notice that I'm already awake maybe because you're too lost in your own world again.

 

 

 

Why are you always lost in your own world stupid? I've barely gotten used to you hanging out with everyone because that's just who you are; but I will never get used to this version of you.

 

 

 

Thousands of questions are running through my mind, but it stops when I feel you press your lips to my hair. I can feel your nose poking my scalp and an annoyingly long contented sigh escaped. You seem to notice it this time because you immediately take your face off of my hair, pulling off too far away for my liking. I want to whine for you not to, but I can't because that'll give me away.

 

 

 

I honestly dread to be on this flight. I dread to be with you after that day. I don't know whether I should get mad at you because you rejected me, or should I pity myself because it seems like things have drastically change since the day we met. You never really deny me of anything, not when I'm using that expression, not when I'm almost close to pleading, but you did, and you did that after practically saying goodbye to me.

 

 

 

I still can't understand your logic about this messed up situation, but I am scared to death to ask exactly what is happening. I don't know if I am prepared for that. I don't think you are either, because you didn't answer when I asked why. Why has always been easy for us... we are best friends. Even before you become who you are now and I become whatever I am now, we are best friends.

 

 

 

I refuse to use the past tense, because I'm not letting go. Not yet, not ever stupid.

 

 

 

I feel your fingers in my hair again. Gently caressing the tresses that are hiding my face from the sole illumination in the plane. Who knew plane rides can feel this nostalgic.

 

 

 

 

I didn't have to ask more to know that we'll be reduced to this, something worse that secret lovers. We will never be lovers I guess, labels are over rated anyway. I don't really care before, and I don’t really care now, I just want my llama back and I am lying but no one has know.

 

 

 

Maybe ending page is fits you and me. Not on the part where our relationship got elevated to more than friends, because probably that's all we'll ever be, but we are somehow getting near the end of the tunnel.

 

 

 

I want us to get back to the dark. I want us to get back to not realizing what it is going on between us, in our heads, in our hearts. I want us to get back to the part where you'll wait every night until my boyfriend brings me home because you’re worried about me. We we're so much better back then.

 

 

You're in denial that you’re waiting for me because you can't stand the idea of me going out with someone else other than you, and I'm still delusional that I am straight and not at all attracted to you so I go on dating boys I won't even look in the eyes when I talk to.

 

 

 

We we're pathetic hypocrites back then, but we were perfect. We were, even if you’re always with Seulgi or Ailee or Hyuna or Min or Minah or whoever your new friend was, and I was always with my new boyfriend; even if we'll only have stolen sneaked conversations on the back of my parent’s house's doorsteps; even if I'll have to purposely trip just to have you kiss me; even if you'll have to sneak at three a.m whenever I demand you hold me in my sleep.

 

 

 

There's no getting back to that though. There's no way either you or me can turn back the pages, the only way is to turn them forward. The naive kid inside me wanted to stop it from turning but I know I can't do that. All I have is now and tomorrow, whatever that means. At the moment, all I want is now, the point where you and I are up in the sky away from the adults who think they know better. Time will never stand still but I want this moment to last, so I keep my eyes closed.

 

 

 

As long as you didn't know that I knew what you're doing, you won’t stop. I'm willing to pretend that I don't just to stretch now a little bit longer.

 

 

 

 

You'll probably chastise me or jump from this plane with/without parachute if I'll tell you why I'm willing to stoop as low as feigning sleep to be with you this close. I'm just so done being in denial because I don't see a point at all anymore.

 

 

 

I am in love with you, not because you are in love with me but because I just am. I've always been in love with you. I just refuse to admit that I am because it's a mirage that distorts images to beautiful scenes that are not even suppose to be real, like the thought of me and you in a different perspective, something that I don't want to describe at all because it'll just fade.

 

 

 

I am so done denying the obvious; it's a pointless fight against myself anyway. The war has been lost, the ending page is near.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Luna unnie shakes me awake. It is colder than what I’m used to. The surface of the plane window where my head was leaning on makes me shiver, I open my eyes.

 

 

 

You're no longer beside me.

 

 

 

The bright light is making my eyes hurt, or so I told Luna unnie. I put on my sunglasses, determined to salvage anything that is left of you and me. Us is a very dangerous pronoun to use these days. It'll be like a foolish dream, and I'm willing to settle for you and me.

 

 

 

 

I surreptitiously wipe the wetness in my face before following the f(x) crew in the long winding corridors of the airport.

 

 

 

You're walking ahead of me and Luna unnie, as hyper as you've always been. I wonder if you're even hurting, but that'll be an irrelevant question at this moment, because I can feel the crowd closing in on me. I can feel the panic rising, slithering to my throat, tightening my air hole.

 

 

 

I reach out to anything that will stop me from suffocating.

 

 

 

You squeeze my fingers before prying it gently from your arm. I bit my lip, refusing to let myself cry. You walk beside me, matching your strides perfectly with mine.

 

 

It’s cute and I almost smiled, but I didn't. I can still feel the gaping hole separating you and me. You still won't look at me but you're close and I am not suffocating anymore, so I swallowed the lump in my throat and continue moving forward looking ahead.

 

 

 

We're moving in a synchronize manner, like we've always been. My left foot and your right foot moves at the same time like we are on a march. How I wish our march won't end.

 

 

 

The van's door is opened widely for us to get in. You help me up, without really looking at me. I don't need help but I didn't protest. I let myself have a small smile. At least the caring overprotective part of you is still there.

 

 

 

You made a move to sit in front of me but Luna unnie pushes you to the empty seat beside me. She winks mischievously at me before settling beside you.

 

 

 

I rolled my eyes, of course, before smiling like a high school girl.

 

 

 

"Let's sit together Amber unnie, like the good old days."

 

 

 

The van’s door slams shut.

 

 

 

"miss me puppy. oohh, puppy misses me. Let the llama give you kisses"

 

 

You are trying to shower Luna's face with kisses while the she cackles, failing in her attempts to look disgusted. I just watch the interaction, consciously trying to keep my expression blank. The van is already moving forward towards the truth behind everything, but I can't look away from you dorking around.

 

 

The unnie beside you must have notice me staring because she pushes you playfully away from her and stretches in her position to pull my hand, pulling me towards her.

 

 

"oohhh, look llama, dudungie wants our kisses too. on count of three, ..."

 

 

I am not able to turn my head to the other side quick enough before I got wet sloppy kisses all over my face. Lunna unnie is holding on to my shoulders to keep me in place as she get on with smooching me all over.

 

 

You're stuck in between us, and probably because you're carried away by the moment you actually joined her, making me whine and squirm in my seat. I know from the feel of your lips that you're the one showering me with kisses on my jaw and all over my right cheeks.

 

 

 

Luna stops her assault before you realize it and she squeals in delight without warning, it made everyone on the van look at her direction. I halfheartedly push you away.

 

 

 

You immediately backed away from me as far possible. You suddenly were practically leaning on Luna unnie, playfully try to cover , or whatever it was your doing. Everyone in front of us get back to theirb business, probably shrugging everything off as normal.

 

 

 

It momentarily becomes silent inside the van. I pull my phone out from my pocket. 6 messages, I didn’t bother opening them.

 

 

After a few seconds of not so awkward silence, you and Luna unnie are playfully talking to each other again. I look away, opting to observe the winding roads of China. You're starting to get more and more confusing and infuriating each hour but I can't take off the big smile etched in my face.

 

 

 

Pathetic Jung, now settling for caught in the moment interactions. I scolded myself harshly in my head

 

 

 

 

You didn't even seem affected at all. You're even back to your normal self. Except that this normal self is consciously trying to keep a safe distance away from me, as possible. The way you act towards me makes my head swim with a lot of questions. Not to mention that it's hurting me more that I'm willing to admit to you or to myself.

 

 

 

Jessica-unnie has been calling me more often since that day. It seems like she knows everything that has been going on but she won't tell me about your stupid plans. She's been talking oddly about not letting go of the things that makes me happy and all other quotable quotes I think she got from being on weibo too much these days.

 

 

 

 

I’ve admitted to her that we (you and me) are having issues, but I didn't elaborate my feelings about what has been happening between you and me. Too afraid of that the results of her analysis, or her probable advice will make more sense that what I have in mind.

 

 

 

I refuse to let go of you, as my bestfriend if not something more than that. I'm too in love with you to do so at this point.

 

 

 

My eyes close shut involuntarily as I take a deep breath as that thought run freely in my head. It's not easy, it's making my fingers shake a little. There's an overwhelming feeling in my chest, and three words are threatening to spill from my tongue. My stomach feels funny. Every nerve in my body felt like they are being sapped with small voltages of electricity. I hate the giddy feeling because I can't do anything about it, although it felt nice, too nice for the current situation.

 

 

 

It's almost too much, but I keep silent. It won't help anyone. Not me, not you, not f(x). Besides I have a more pressing matter to address. I have to get you back before I lose you completely. Not in a physical sense because I know you'll always be there, maybe not beside me but in the sidelines. I'm not complaining, I'm just afraid to lose the unique connection we always have.

 

 

 

A part of me knows we will if the things kept of going on this way, maybe not completely, but a bigger portion will be lost. I refuse to let that happen. I'm willing to settle for anything at all. As long as you'll stay in my life in a way that we're not strangers who talks occasionally. I don't want you to become that short hot clumsy foreigner again.

 

 

 

Everyone is filling out of the van when I get back to reality. Like always your hand was upturned to help me out even though we both know I don't need any help.

 

 

 

It seems like it’s just a reflex between the two of us. I put my hand in yours, holding on to you tight. You tried to let go but I held on to your fingers tighter. Another pull with more force followed but I tug harder, holding on to your hand as tight as I could. It's not really hard because our fingers fit perfectly. I hid our intertwined fingers under the coat that I have in my arms.

 

 

You looked at me sharply, as we walk closely besides each other. The tug o war under my coat makes me smile at you in return. I almost smirked but I decided against it, that would be too much or maybe not.

 

 

 

Too bad, you looked away before I can decide. Aish, you'll get it soon stupid llama. Why are you so determined to not look at me if not necessary today anyway? I asked in my head, before returning my focus on our little game.

 

 

 

I can't ask you that now. Not yet, maybe after the concert. I need to be at my best for the fans.

 

 

 

The "subtle" tugging and pulling goes on and on until we reach the hotel lobby and the managers are starting to notice that we're moving a bit more slowly than the rest.

 

 

 

I don't want them to break the skinship, I mean our fun, so I hasten my pace walking briskly and I pulled you with me. You caught up easily with what I'm thinking. You matched your strides with mine so it won't look like I'm dragging you.

 

 

 

We've already learned our lesson about princess dragging llama thing, that gif is making its appearance almost every other month as a haunting reminder of that.

 

 

 

We're almost near the elevator when I feel something breaking under my coat. It makes me laugh hard as you mutter curses under your breath, at least you stopped struggling. It's a good thing that the place is dimly lit. No one will notice we're actually holding hands. Luna unnie is trying to cover us up, walking in front of us slowly. I really should thank her later.

 

 

A few steps from the elevator doors, and I have stop laughing, schooling my expression back to normal like nothing happened. The tenfold increase in my heartbeat is starting to get annoying. Won't that dumb muscle calm down? Holding hands is normal.

 

 

 

"Anything wrong Krystal-ssi?"

 

 

 

"Nothing’s wrong oppa, I just remembered something."

 

 

 

"Okay, walk faster girls."

 

 

 

"Yes sir." Luna unnie answered before looking back and giving me a wink.

 

 

 

I glared at her even if she can’t see it, feeling flustered. You remained quiet even though I'm sure you saw that wink too. I elbowed you hard. You're seriously getting to my nerves more that you usually do. You didn't even make a sound so I just let you be. The elevator doors open.

 

 

 

I begrudgingly let your hand go and allowed my heartbeat to get back to normal. We stand side by side without speaking until the elevator stops to our floor.

 

 

Our group walks in pairs until we reach our designated room. It is as uneventful as it should be. I didn't really get the chance to continue our fun because you walked beside manager oppa.

 

 

 

Since when are you that close anyway? I almost ask out loud but we are already in front of our room and you jogged inside first. You didn't even look back at me as you carry some of our stuff, letting it fall with a soft thud. I drag a suitcase to my left, before making a beeline to bed. Luna unnie helps you with the last suit case.

 

 

 

I sit at the edge of the only bed in the room, watching you secretly under my sunglasses.

 

 

 

I know you hate our room arrangement but you can't do anything about it. I heard you suggest a lot of impractical proposals to our managers just to get away from it. Too bad for you they won't be persuaded, I personally think it's convenient, or maybe not. You're making it too obvious that you don't like this arrangement because of me.

 

 

 

It stings, a lot.

 

 

 

 

It makes me more determined to do something about what's going on between you and me before room arrangements becomes the least of our problems. I'm never really the type to do anything about the things that are making me sad or the problems that are not really affecting me on the surface, but what's going on between you and me is different. No explanations needed. It's just different, and you're not someone I am willing to lose this way. Then there's the...

 

 

"Soojungie, do you want to eat or will you be sleeping? We still have 2 hours before it starts."

 

 

Luna unnie is the one to start the conversation again. I don't answer her immediately. I'm busy glaring at the back of your head. You've already made camp in the couch, still refusing to sleep beside me and unnie. I can hear you talking to someone happily in your phone.

 

 

 

I'm struggling hard not to throw the pillow beside me to your head because you’re back to your stupid game again. Unnie probably notices me glaring at you. She immediately sits beside me pulling my closed fist in her lap.

 

 

"Have you talked about this?" she whispered, eyeing you sharply as well.

 

 

"I tried unnie but you know how talking to her goes when she does not want to."

 

 

"oh come on, we both know that doesn’t apply to you jungie. You've always been an exception for her"

 

 

"Things are just-just different unnie."

 

 

"Are you dating someone else again?"

 

 

"Why?-What?!"

 

 

"You don't have to answer that of course. It's just, she acted like this before, remember when you-you know dated that jjong guy. She's so much pain in the during the first three weeks, I'm sure you noticed that too."

 

 

"I am not dating anyone unnie. I don't think that's it anyway." I sighed and let my body fall to the soft mattress. "things are just complicated."

 

 

 

"Things have always been simple and complicated for the two of you Soojungie. Maybe you should give her some time."

 

 

"yeah..maybe I should." I replied softly my eyes already closed.

 

 

"Rest well Jungie. I'm going down to eat, just message me if anything okay? It'll be fine. No worries."

 

 

The sound of the door softly closing makes me open my eyes again. I took off my sunglasses but let my shoes be. I'm too lazy to take it off, so I opt to lie on my side and try to see if you’re still on your phone. My phone is haphazardly placed on top of bed with me.

 

 

 

I didn't bother checking it again. The one person that I want to message me is there on the couch with her back on me anyway.

 

 

 

I watch you shift on the couch until, you’re facing me. I caught you trying to peek, or is it me that you caught staring? I don't really care at the moment. You still have the stupid at awe expression in your face but it's mixed with a tinge of loneliness this time. I tried to keep our gazes locked like always but you turned and looked away and I really want to throw my shoe at you, too bad it's still on.

 

 

 

You're looking up at the ceiling. It seems more interesting than the living breathing fuming lady in bed a few steps away from you. The silence is turning more and more awkward each minute but I can't do anything about it. The last time I tried to talk to you, you refused to answer me directly. You gave me false reassurance and a thornless rose.

 

 

 

Red rose means those three words. How dare you tell me you love me, when you’re doing this to me? Damn you Amber. I can't help but curse you again while I study your side profile. You’re getting skinnier these days. It makes me wonder if you’re really doing better than me after that day.

 

 

 

 

You tried to peek again, but I caught you of course. I don't want to look away from you, for that secret childish fear that you'll be gone for real if I do. The tip of your ear turns red and you hurriedly shift to your side. I don't know why you're embarrassed, stealing glances is normal for us before. The frown in my face deepens as you keep up with your shenanigans.

 

 

 

I want to stand up and move towards you, lie beside you in the couch, but I don't think I can take it if you'll reject me again, so I stay still and watch your back, wishing desperately for sleep to take me away from this hotel room. Dreams are better than reality these days.

 

 

 

We stay locked in awkward silence. Emotions inside me are swarming, building up, I let them feeling helpless. I don't have pointers for this, or patterns anything that can guide me or give me a single clue about how I can make everything get back to normal.

 

 

 

All I can do is watch you. It’s comforting, you’re familiar, and you’re here. I try to count how many times I can say our name forward and backwards ‘till you move and it felt like forever till you did. Maybe you were trying to get into a more comfortable lying position. I promptly closed my eyes when I noticed that you're trying to face me again.

 

 

 

My heart beats loudly at the back of my ears as I press my eyes tightly shut.

 

 

Something soft covers me, startling me a bit. It smells like you so you must be putting my favorite blanket on me. The feel of the soft cloth is just too familiar like you, like your actions. I want to watch you tuck me in, but I didn't peek.

 

 

 

You're getting allergic to me knowing what you’re doing for me so I keep still, feigning sleep for the second time today. I smile a little as I feel you gently untie my shoes, carefully pulling the shoelace probably afraid that you’ll wake me up.

 

 

 

I have to fight the urge to take a peek at what you are doing, as you pull one of my shoes off of my foot.

 

 

There is a soft thud and I bit the insides of your cheek. You must have trip or something. I raise my hand to cover my mouth to stop me from laughing but you didn't seem to notice.

 

 

I heard the sound of door closing again.

 

 

Stupid!

 

 

I tried, but I didn't fall asleep even for a second.

 

 

My head is too loud for my liking. Those three words that I refuse to say out loud is making my chest and my head ache. I shifted in bed, turning, trying to find the position that would help. I put my earphones on. Then I tried laying still, eyes closed.

 

 

I didn't know, how long I lied there, unmoving. Trying hard to silence the arguments in my head. Even the song playing on repeat in my phone didn't do any good.

 

 

~I want you to be here~, blasts softly again and again from my earphones.

 

 

* * *

 

I feel someone shuffling behind me, maybe it's Luna unnie, or you. I didn't move, too tired (lazy) to face reality.

 

 

 

Someone shakes my left shoulder. I refuse to open my eyes. I’m not yet ready for what lies ahead. The shaking stops.

 

 

I can feel someone’s presence in front of me this time. I know it's you because I can smell you. Someone is still shaking my shoulders, but I feel you move closer and the hand in my shoulder stops. You raised the blanket that went down because of my shuffling.

 

 

 

"Let's give her five more minutes puppy." I think I heard you say over the instrumental part of the song playing in my ears.

 

 

I’m not sure, but I felt your fingers move my bangs to the sides gently. Then you're gone without another word. Your smell is gone too.

 

 

 

I count fifty in my head before opening my eyes. There's no point of feigning sleep anymore. I raise my arms to stretch my muscles. My earphones went off my ears as I do so. The room is empty except for Luna unnie who is silently ties her shoelace with her back on me. I lied still for a few more seconds brushing my bangs slowly with my fingers.

 

 

Pathetic Jung Soojung. I mentally rolled my eyes to myself before I move to join unnie in getting ready. The rehearsals will surely be interesting. I just hope it'll be fun interesting not the other way around. I put my sunglasses on and walk slowly to the door.

 

 

* * *

 

 

You're all over Luna during the rehearsals.

 

 

 

I don't really give it much thought. I am too busy trying to get the steps right since I haven't danced in a while. It's not helping that you have your hair tied up like that. It's utterly distracting and attractive.

 

 

 

It almost made me commit mistakes but I force myself to regain my focus. I always give my best in dancing and making the moves graceful, synchronized with the rest of our group. As much as I want to get things right between us, I want them want them to recognize f(x) so badly as well. They won't unless we're perfect.

 

 

 

The perfectionist in me won over other aspects of my personality when I raised the wrong arm in rppp. I didn't look at your direction again. Things turned out well after that. Only a few glances stolen and no more mistakes committed. I run my hand through my hair as I walk down the stage.

 

 

 

I really should return your snap back when we get back to Seoul. You should not get more attractive in my eyes stupid llama. Things are already hard enough.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Our group is walking with the Red Velvet girls to the changing rooms.

 

 

I watch silently as you place your right arm on Seulgi's shoulders while the two of you casually talks to everyone. It's almost amusing how that girl seem to like the skinship because she's smiling too brightly for my liking. I've been struggling hard since that day not to lash on the girl beside you but you’re making it hard each minute you walk closely with her. You’re not even doing anything wrong, and Seulgi is just like that, sweet and nice, always too nice, personable.

 

 

 

I know how jealousy feels and it's almost scary that I know deep inside that I feel more than just the stupid revolting feeling in my chest.

 

 

I envy that brown eyed girl.

 

 

Vic unnie squeezes my shoulders and intertwines our fingers to distract me from the scene in front.

 

 

"I'll kick her for you later, stop frowning dudungie." She whispered while giggling.

 

 

"No unnie, just tie her down for me. I have a better idea." I answered, thinking of a thousand ways how I'll make you be sorry you're making me feel these unbearable emotions.

 

 

Our leader laughs out loud when she heard my answer. She's still laughing when she pulls me hard so that we'll be walking ahead of you and that girl.

 

 

"I still want f(x) to have 5 members so, let's just walk ahead of that llama. Don't do any permanent damage okay?"

 

 

I answered her with a nod, my ears straining to hear whatever the two persons behind me and Victoria unnie are talking about.

 

 

"Soojung..." I ignored vic unnie. My attention still focused on your conversation with seulgi.

 

 

"how's everything between you and... /pause/ "big bear?"

 

 

"it's fine babybear, do you want to have a short drive around ghuanzou after the concert?"

 

 

"I'd love that amber-unnieee.."

 

 

The way she drags the pronunciation of the last syllable of unnie makes me want to tear her hair off. I almost whip around and drag you off through your ears but Vic Unnie grips my wrist.

 

 

"Soojung-ah. Don't."

 

 

"Vic unnie just one, punch or just."

 

 

"No Krys, we'll keep on going. We'll give our fans a time of their lives. Just settle this after the concert okay?, I'll help you with that one behind us. Please?"

 

 

"okay, unnie...im sorry" I bowed my head down, smiling timidly at Victoria before walking quickly away from you and that girl. The sting in my chest more demanding each step I take.

 

 

* * *

 

I tried to control my breathing as I sit in front of the vanity staring at my reflection. You can do this Jung Soojung. I reassured the reflection of the dolled up emotionless face looking at back at me, something is new with the familiar eyes staring back unblinkingly. Something unexplainable.

 

 

* * *

 

Everything happened in a flash and I felt relieved and content that I didn't mess up any of the steps. It has always been fun performing with my bandmates, and today’s performance is probably one of our best. It’s almost perfect, if only Sulli is here.

 

 

 

 

The performance took my mind off of things and I'm actually starting to enjoy myself, though I’m still nervous. I’ll probably always be.

 

 

 

We are now standing in front of the Chinese fans. You are beside me, as hyper as ever. I am in between you and Luna unnie. The MCs are speaking in Chinese, it's hard to keep my attention focused on them. They are saying something enthusiastically.

 

 

I fidget in my spot.

 

 

 

You used to be the one to help me calm down in front of the spot light. Your presence has always been there to make me feel safe from the thousands of eyes looking at me, but things have changed.

 

 

 

Now we are standing in front of the same old crowd, with new recruits perhaps. The overwhelming feeling of them shouting our names is still there. Not all things stay the same though.

 

 

 

We stand close together like always, but you're no longer reassuring me like you used to. The inexistent distance is just too far for my liking.

 

 

 

I tried to get my mind off the things by playing with myself. I balanced on my right foot pretending that I’m somewhere else, somewhere not here. Then I lost my focus and balance and almost fell over.

 

 

 

I reach out to you out of reflex. You didn't look at me but you let me hold on to you, raising your arm a little to help me regain my balance again. I almost cried on the spot. It's some sort of reassurance that my bestfriend is still there somewhere. The clumsy kid who holds on to me after spinning too hard, the one who helped me regain my balance or that one who loses her balance with me, that's my Amber Liu.

 

 

 

You raised your arms in front of me again while making silly faces, it makes me giggle, shaking away a bit of the nervousness crawling in my nerves.

 

It is a moment too short. The MC calls my name. The interpreter behind me told me to introduce myself to the crowd.

 

 

 

I look at you before I did, and you smiled at me reassuringly, the smile that I haven't seen for awhile. I look away from you to look at the crowd in front of us, smiling shyly to them.

 

 

 

I introduced myself softly and the sea of people around us didn't seem to intimidating anymore. They are there for me, for us. I know they'll be there somehow whatever happens, like how you're here. You'll always be here.

 

 

 

It's enough for me to hold on to, the hope that I can get you back. That at the end of the day they'll be there as well the cheers of approval can attest to that. I still feel uncomfortable talking in front of the big crowd, and perhaps that will never change but I swear to the periwinkle sea in front of me that I'll get you back no matter what stupid and I'll tell you those three words.

 

 

For now I'll have try concentrating on the dizzying voices buzzing around while dealing with your unbelievable pimping skills. Why can't that thing ever change?