Soon as Taeyeon woke up that Sunday, Sehun appeared in her room.

“They’ll reach in an hour”, He informed her of Kyungsoo and Seungwan’s return, much to her pleasant surprise. She checked her cell to realize Chanyeol had broken the news to them last night, but she’d been sleeping since she was tired after the closing of Spring Week and hadn’t seen it.

The festivities had ended in fireworks, literally, and she had been happier than ever at the accomplishment. Actually come to think of it, she has actually been too happy these days, ever since, a  light blush rose to her cheeks, the kiss.

They hadn’t talked after the play, not much anyway. Baekhyun had held her hand, and they had walked out together, sharing the peaceful silence. Taeyeon had almost forgotten what it had felt like to be with Baekhyun, but that night she had remembered it all, in a matter of few minutes. She hadn’t been able to stop smiling, and she knew he was happy too. She had felt it. He had only let go of her hand when they’d reached the parking lot and he’d looked at each other for what felt like eternity. There had been something there, something she hadn’t been able to understand, but before they could talk, Soojung had appeared and she’d had to leave.

She hadn’t wanted to go, not after what she’d discovered after so long. But duty called, and since they still had a few more days left in the Spring Week, she’d not let her emotions cloud her judgement about what was to be given priority. They would have time to talk about it all once everything was done and dusted.  She’d been a little disappointed when she hadn’t been able to find him anywhere after the closing last night, but considering how tired they were he must have left early.

A smile broke out on her lips as she got ready to go to the airport, thinking about meeting him. He hadn’t called, but that was okay because they would get to talk anyway.

As they walked into the airport lobby, a wave of disappointment swept over Taeyeon as she spotted only Chanyeol there, with no signs of a certain shorter guy anywhere.

“Where’s Baekhyun?”, She asked after they’d exchanged pleasantries, as they waited for the flight to land.

Chanyeol’s brows crunched. “At home probably, why?”

“Oh nothing! I just thought he’d be here to pick Kyungsoo with you”, She pretended to be nonchalant about it. She could ask him later, maybe try and meet him tomorrow at university when they went to fill forms for the final exams.

…………………………………………………………………………………

The silence in the car was heavy. Taeyeon pretended to not notice how cold Seungwan was acting, though Sehun seemed to have understood it well and good and did not try to engage her in any more conversation after the first few biting replies.

Soon as they reached the house, Seungwan was out the car, in through the door, and remained just as stony while Mrs. Son, Soojung and Yerim fussed over her.

“What’s up with her?”, Soojung asked out loud what was concerning them all, as soon as Seungwan had gone off to her room.

Taeyeon did not bother to wait and listen to their conjectures and went after her and only stopped to take a breath outside the room. She knocked twice and entered without waiting for any response.

Seungwan looked up cursorily from where she seemed to be unpacking the little luggage she had had with her, and then went back to it, almost like Taeyeon didn’t exist.

“Okay”, Taeyeon started. “Say whatever you want to. Cry, scream, throw things, I give you full permission”

Seungwan stopped and then scoffed. Taeyeon almost flinched at how unfamiliar an action it was, coming from her dear sweet cousin. “That’s all you people think of me, don’t you? That I’m some poor emotional girl who knows nothing else but to cry over everything?”

Taeyeon frowned. “That’s not what I – “

“Of course not! Of course you didn’t mean it when you sent me off all on your own with a man who has betrayed me!”, Her voice broke. “Did you stop to consider what you were doing even once and think about how it would make me feel? No you didn’t!”

“It was for your own safety, we had to – “

“Why can’t you people just leave me alone to make my own damn decisions?! I am so sick of living under everyone’s shadows, staying quiet while the rest of the world decides my life for me!”

Taeyeon was taken aback. She had never seen Seungwan with so much temper. “Seung – “

“Just leave me alone, Tae! Please!”, Seungwan looked away breathing after her outburst, resentment rolling off her in waves.

Ignoring the thousand pangs she felt herself being hit with, Taeyeon clenched her jaw and quietly turned away. Seungwan had every right to feel the way she did, and for the first time in her life, Taeyeon had no argument to coax her best friend with. She had always taken her lightly. They all had, while caring for her. They had never stopped to think how it might hurt Seungwan.

She sighed deeply, wanting to cry. She had been so happy at the thought of Seungwan coming back, she hadn’t considered what she might be feeling. How could she be so selfish? She hoped she hadn’t hurt her dearest friend beyond repair because of it.

_

It was after their last paper, a week before Junmyeon’s wedding that Taeyeon called Baekhyun. She had waited long enough, the papers had been grueling and since their years and exam schedules were different she hadn’t seen him at all since the Spring Week. Setting aside her disappointments at him not having done it first, she put in the call to Baekhyun. He answered after a few rings and she asked him to meet her in one of the college grounds.

Her heart picked up pace soon as he came into her sight, and she had keep herself from not acting like a lovesick puppy who had been waiting for years to lay eyes on the object of her affection. Trying to be nonchalant she greeted him first. “How have you been?”

“Fine”, He was shying away from meeting her eyes. Why? They were silent for a few moments as she tried to figure him out.

“So the exams went okay….”, She was the one to break the silence again, not knowing how to get him to start a conversation with her. Why wasn’t he meeting her eyes? A thought struck her at that moment. He couldn’t be embarrassed because of what happened between them right?

“Listen Baek, about what happened....”, She bit down on her lip, awkward at having to probe the subject herself.

“It was a mistake”

Her heart stopped for a minute on hearing him and she looked up wondering whether she’d heard it wrong.

“What?”

…………………………………………………………………

“It was a mistake”, He looked up this time, repeating his words. The shock on her face almost made him buckle.

“Why…why would you say that?”, Taeyeon asked, looking like something was the life out of her.

He had thought about it a lot. In fact all he had done over the past few days was think. At first he tried to blame it on Hyuk. He and Taeyeon were dating after all, and what had happened had just been a heat of the moment thing. Nothing else, he’d tried to convince himself. But every time, every time, her face showed up in his head, he knew he was being ridiculous. Who was he kidding?

He loved her. And he should have been the happiest man alive, after that night, after what he’d seen in her eyes and realized that it was a mirror image of what he felt.

But did he deserve that happiness? Did he deserve her after everything she’d been put through because of him? And the answer was easy. He couldn’t be with her. Not when he couldn’t ask for her forgiveness. How could he? When he couldn’t even forgive himself.

“I don’t…..I don’t know, honestly”, He shook his head, bending it again. Away from her piercing eyes. “You’ve been through a lot, Taeyeon. You….deserve better”

She scoffed. For a minute he thought he’d misheard but then he looked up and saw the incredulous expression on her face. “And who are you to decide what I do or don’t deserve?”

He looked at her and his gaze was so soft, Taeyeon almost gave up all the formalities. And she realized that he was in pain. In his self-created version of a torture cell, from where he needed to find his way out.

She wanted to tell him that she had forgiven him, that she had never fully blamed him in the first place, that his guilt was unneeded, but she stopped herself. If he wanted to go through this purgatory alone, to redeem himself, then she would let him. As long as he came back as himself, as the Baekhyun she’d always known, who was lost somewhere under the rubble of guilt.

She let out and breath and looked away. “It’s okay”, She swallowed, willing herself not to give in to the tears that lingered behind her eyes.

Why did life have to do this? Take something away after giving it to her after so long? Her happiness was standing right in front of her yet she was miles away from it. She started to walk away, not sparing a last glance in his direction for the fear of what it might precipitate.

She stopped short when he caught her hand, but did not look back in his direction. “I’m sorry and….”, His voice was heavy and she realized he was trying to hold back tears too. He was in front of her in the next second, his scent filling her senses, but she still didn’t look at him.

It was when his lips touched her forehead to place a chaste kiss that she finally allowed a soundless tear to spill. “I love you…..”, He whispered in her ear as they half hugged in goodbye.

And then he was pulling away, but she held his hand tightly, her eyes still closed. And she confessed. “I love you too. Always have”

And then he was gone. God knew when she would see him again. But she would wait for him, even if it took forever. They would find their way back to each other.