Chapter 8 - Did you ever tell him?

The first rays of sunshine woke Jisoo up. It was probably early in the morning. As it was summer the sun came up quite early too. She was expecting to feel a little chilly, but she was feeling warm. She slowly opened her eyes. What she saw was Yoongi’s beautiful face. He was still sleeping. Jisoo was staring at him. To her his face seemed to be perfect. It was so perfect she thought it couldn’t be real. Starting from his closed eyes and his straight nose, down to his somewhat small lips. He looked very peaceful in that moment, almost like a naïve little boy. Looking at this face Jisoo wondered how he could have such dark thoughts that turned his face quite scary sometimes.

Only then Jisoo really noticed how close they were lying next to each other. Then she also realized why she didn’t feel cold at all! He was embracing her and so was she… this was another chapter in her book of embarrassments. She did feel embarrassed a lot of times in her life, but this was probably the biggest one yet. She fell asleep in such a comfortable state yesterday but woke up in the most uncomfortable manner. What would he think the moment he would wake up? Her face was burning, the blood rushed through her body, she even started to sweat a little. This wasn’t the same scenario they had on the couch. This here was waaaaay to close. At least this time she could try to get out of there without his head falling down anywhere. Her breath started to become faster. What should she do? Her entire body tightened. Please let this be a dream for real this time, she thought. She closed her eyes tightly, counted to three and opened them again. Min Yoongi was still there! This was real! Her face had gotten even hotter. She would probably look like a tomato by now. She took a deep breath, then she slowly lifted her arm to take it out. It was more complicated as she thought as his arm was on top of hers.

Yoongi seemed to slightly wake up from her movement. He opened his eyes a tiny bit only to close them again. Then he pulled Jisoo even closer. “Don’t wake me up yet...” he said and sighed. Jisoo was right at his chest now. She could feel the material of his black Hoddie on her face. His chin touched her forehead, but he didn’t seem to move anymore. He would eventually really wake up right? Maybe he thought he was dreaming… then on the other hand if he was dreaming this sort of dream…

Jisoo didn’t know if her face could get any more red. Her body felt like exploding. She could feel her blood rushing through every single vain, which made her heart race even more. If she couldn’t calm down, she would probably die of a heart attack right this instant. She had to breath… Jisoo closed her eyes and breathed in and out. She tried to control the pressure though. After a while she calmed down. How long were they lying there like this? Jisoo decided to pretend to sleep, just in case he would wake up. She didn’t want to put either one of them into an embarrassing conversation later on. Then Jisoo thought, she could as well make use of this situation, as she couldn’t escape from it at the moment anyways. She let her hand wander down from his shoulders to his waist. It was really comfortable to hold him like that. She wanted to find a more comfortable place for her head and moved it a little bit. Yoongi’s head was now on top of hers, while her face was still close to his chest. It felt as if she could just drown in his Hoddie, that’s how close they were now.

After a while Yoongi moved away from her a little bit but didn’t let go of her. Jisoo argued with herself whether she should open her eyes or just keep them closed. Maybe he would just disappear like the last time this sort of thing happened.

“I think you should get up… you have to go to class…” Yoongi said really slowly with a sore voice. Then he pulled her close again. “How about in five minutes…”

How could this guy just do this so casually? Was this normal for him? Jisoo’s heart was beating like crazy. She didn’t dare to move. After the few minutes were over he let go of her and opened his eyes. He turned to lie on his back. “It’s already daytime…”

Jisoo got up, took her blanket and folded it neatly. She brought it back to its place. She didn’t know if she should just go down to her room or stay here. Whatever decision she would make it would still be embarrassing for her. “What… what time is it?” she asked Yoongi.

“5.50AM”, he said while checking his phone next to him.

“I guess I should start to get ready then… I… I’ll see you around”, Jisoo said with a trembling voice. She didn’t dare to look at Yoongi and went downstairs. She literally ran into her room, she had never arrived there as fast as today. She closed her door with both hands and stayed there like this for a few moments. She had to breathe, but she couldn’t calm down. She took out some clothes from her closet and went into the bathroom. She looked in the mirror and looked down on herself. Of course, she looked like a homeless person again. Great! She put her face into the palms of her hands and screamed. She took a cold shower hoping she would cool down a little. The shower actually helped. She went back to her closet to take out different clothes, she wanted to look good for once. Then she put it back inside of the closet, went back to the bathroom and put on the clothes she had already taken out before. She didn’t want him to think that she would dress up for him or anything. She got her school stuff ready and went out for breakfast. She loaded her plate with a croissant and fruits, of course a chocolate pudding couldn’t be missed out on as well. She looked around to check if her usual seat was taken or not. It was indeed taken this morning, by Min Yoongi. He was driving her crazy! How could he even dare to show up right now? For a second, she was considering sitting right across the room from him and pretend she didn’t see him, but right at that moment he looked at her. It would be even more uncomfortable if she ignored him now. If she did she would have to explain it and she didn’t even know what to explain right now. She decided to join him and sat down at the table. She started eating her breakfast as if nothing happened.

Yoongi was sitting right across from her with his arms crossed in front of his chest. He cleared his throat and said: “Honestly I’m not a morning person at all, but I’m curious…”

Jisoo didn’t even dare to take off her eyes from her breakfast. “About what?” she asked him while digging into the pudding.

“Am I making you uncomfortable all of a sudden? You’re acting al weird today.”

“Wh… Why would you think so?” she asked.

“You’re avoiding looking at me” he replied as he was leaning over the table to look at her up close.

Jisoo glared at him and felt her cheeks blushing. “I am not!” she stated and continued on with her breakfast.

"Right…” he said and went back to his prior seating position. He kept staring at Jisoo which made her even more uncomfortable. She just wanted to stuff the rest of her breakfast down to get it over with.

“Can you please stop staring?!”, she couldn’t even concentrate on eating with him around.

“Am I not allowed to look at you?”

Jisoo glared at him again: “No!”. She finished the last piece of fruit on her table and looked at him again. “I don’t think I can be friends with you anymore… I was lying earlier. You make me really uncomfortable. So how about you mind your own business and we end it here!” she said while getting up from her chair. She just wanted to get out of here quickly.

Yoongi seemed a little surprised. “Did I do something wrong?”

 "You drive my crazy! You can’t just do some things however you want. I’m a girl too you know!” she exploded.

 "Ok” Yoongi agreed, “if you don’t want to be my friend… how about being my girlfriend from now on then?”

 God, he was driving her crazy. Now she was actually getting angry. She took her plate and left the table while saying: “sure why not!”.

"I’ll see you tomorrow then” he yelled after her as she was leaving the room.

She wanted to go back to her room, then she noticed the plate in her hand. How embarrassing! Whatever she had to pass by the kitchen anyways. “Mrs. Park, good morning. Where can I put this?” she asked her. Mrs. Park took it out of her hand and told her that she didn’t have to do this next time. Jisoo used this occasion to ask her for a laundry machine.

“We have one here in the room behind the kitchen. If you want you can give them to me, unless you want to do it yourself.” Mrs. Park explained.

“Honestly, I never used a washing machine. Can I bring them to you in a bit if you don’t mind?”

Mrs. Park was more than happy to help.

Jisoo went back to her room to get her dirty laundry for Mrs. Park and her school books. On the way to her classroom she stopped by in the kitchen to give Mrs. Park the laundry. Then she quickly went upstairs to avoid crossing paths with Min Yoongi. She just couldn’t face him. The rest of the morning was the same as it had been the rest of her stay here so far. Ms. Choi was giddy with excitement due to Jisoo’s wonderful results and her other two classmates didn’t even care about class at all. She went down for lunch and ate an extra big bowl of Bibimbap. She was craving for food today. It was almost 1PM. Out of habit Jisoo headed to her room, but then she went up to the second floor. She had to think about what Yoongi said. Maybe she should let them help her, even though she still didn’t think she necessarily needed it. Mr. Lee was more than surprised seeing Jisoo walk into his room. She closed the door behind her and sat down on the small couch.

“Ms. Kim! To be honest I’m surprised to see you but I’m glad at the same time! What made you change your mind?”

“Well… Someone I know said I should give it a try, so… that’s why I’m here.”

“I should thank your friend! He was right though.” Mr. Lee convinced her. “Do you want some tea or some cake?” he asked her but Jisoo shook her head to refuse politely. “Well then. To begin I would like you to just tell me something you feel like talking about. For example, is there something you’re worried about, something you’re excited about or something that needs to be solved? You can tell me what ever you want. You can just consider me as a friend that looks a little too old for his age” Mr. Lee joked around. “This is meant for me to get to know you, in order to find out where I can be of help to you.”

Jisoo scratched her fingers. “You are not allowed to tell anyone the things I tell you right?”

Mr. Lee now looked serious: “Right.”

“Can I ask you something?” Jisoo asked.

Mr. Lee nodded his head with an understanding smile.

“What do you know about me?” Jisoo wanted to know.

“I know what ever you want me to know about you” Mr. Lee replied.

That’s not what Jisoo wanted to hear. She wanted an honest opinion. “What did they tell you before I came here?”

“I see you want me to be honest with you. That’s good! I’ll be honest then. I obviously know who your parents are, that’s why I know that your brother killed himself. I have been informed that you tried to commit suicide shortly after his death as well.”

“See… you got it all wrong” Jisoo sighed.

“From your point of view, what’s the truth then?” Mr. Lee wanted to know.

Jisoo told him that she definitely didn’t try to kill herself that day. It just ended up in this kind of mess. She had met a friend that day and just took sleeping pills without realizing she had alcohol in her system and that was all.

“What do you think made you drink that much alcohol in the first place? We both know you’re underaged and are not even allowed to drink.” Mr. Lee wondered.

Jisoo had no answer to that question. “I don’t know, I think I was just… lonely. I didn’t know what to do… maybe that friend was just some bad influence” Jisoo looked down on her hands.

“Why do you think you’re lonely? Aren’t there people in your life that make it worth living for?”

“No… he’s gone now. Honestly, I really didn’t try to kill myself that day. I think I was just not thinking straight. In the past I always had to keep going and do what everyone expected of me but when my brother was gone I just wanted to rest for once. I think that’s why I didn’t think about the consequences of the pills. I just wanted to live in the moment for once”.

“How would you describe your brother?” Mr. Lee asked.

“Maybe something like a bright light at the end of the tunnel sort of thing? I think you know that we aren’t real siblings, but it didn’t matter to us. I never met my real father as he died before I was born, therefore I don’t have any sort of feelings towards him. The year I turned five my mother told me she met someone that could be my new dad if I wanted. We met with them and after meeting Seokjin I told my mother I wanted them to be our family. My brother was full of light and he taught me so much. We had our own little secrets from our parents, we played together, and he helped me every step of my way. As a kid I had troubles finding friends, I wasn’t really that outgoing or social, but my brother helped me to change. He had a lot of good friends as a child and it was nice to have a popular brother growing up. I remember he always stole candies from the kitchen and shared them with me”, Jisoo didn’t realize she was talking like a waterfall.

Mr. Lee smiled and nodded. “It sounds like you and your brother had a lot of fun together. I wonder if there was ever a time where you guys were fighting?”

Jisoo was reminded of a dark time in her life. That period of her life was almost as dark as then one she was in now. She hesitated as tears filled her eyes.

“Ms. Kim? Are you alright? We can stop for today. If it’s too painful or you’re not ready, we don’t have to continue.”

“No. I think I should tell you this… When my brother went to University I felt a little… lost. In school he was always there with me, we went there together and went home together afterwards. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do anymore, so I was angry at him for quite a while.” Jisoo told Mr. Lee without daring to look at him.

“I knew he couldn’t be at school as usual as he started to go to University, but without him I became socially awkward again. My popular brother was gone, I didn’t really know what to talk about and the pressure from my parents to keep up my grades became really high. I think it was around one year ago. I had spent all my time studying but somehow the friends I had back then started to grow apart from me. I think I started to become jealous of my brother. He had the perfect life… our parents were proud of him, he had a lot of friends and good grades as well. I started to avoid my brother because I wasn’t sure if I was jealous or just sad that I couldn’t be like him… One day it was just too much. After school my old friends all went out together without even asking if I wanted to join and I was left in the classroom alone. That night my parents were on a party with some other politicians and my brother was at his university. I went up to the rooftop of school, determined to just end it all… I think I stood there for over an hour…” Jisoo told him, while tears were falling down her cheeks.

Mr. Lee poured some tea in two cups and gave one to Jisoo. “But you didn’t jump.”

“No, I didn’t. I wasn’t brave enough…” she held onto the cup with both of her hands.

“See that’s where you are wrong. I think you still had some hope inside of you, otherwise you wouldn’t be here today. People that don’t jump, don’t want to die. Why do you think this is like that?”

Jisoo didn’t know.

Mr. Lee explained: “Because there is something to live for. If you have nothing left, you don’t hesitate to jump.”

Jisoo understood his explanation. There was indeed some truth in it.

“How about Seokjin? Did you ever tell him?”

“No, I didn’t want him to worry and concentrate on his studies. Somehow, I think he knew anyways. As if he knew, he called me that night to ask if I was ok. The rest of the night I just cried my eyes out, but at the same time I decided to keep going. I was ashamed of myself, but I wanted to do it for my brother and become like him. I wanted to make him proud just like my parents were proud of him…”

“Would you say without your brother your lost now as well, just like you were one year ago?”

“I… I think so”, Jisoo said. Her eyes teared up again. “I think… I just don’t know what to do as there is no one left to tell me. I know I have a long way to go but why am I running in the exact same place?          My friends and even my family are getting further away from me, and as time goes by I’m becoming more impatient. I just want to find the reason for Seokjin’s death… I want to know why he left me and what I should do without him. I think I’m waiting for a change. Ever since that day one year ago I thought if anyone would leave this family it would be me, but why did it have to be him?” Jisoo wondered.

“It’s normal for you not to know what to do, but it won’t be like this forever. You will soon find joy and excitement again, I’m sure of it” Mr. Lee tried to convince her.

Jisoo was getting angry at him. “It’s always the same, you adults all tell me that hardships are only momentary, to endure a little more, but I don’t think I can. I keep getting angry and annoyed at everything and everyone, but I don’t know the reason. After my brother had called me that night I thought everything would be fine, but then he became sick. Ever since then the only thing that kept me alive was the hope that he would somehow magically be healed”.

Mr. Lee handed her a box of tissues. “Yet you said, you didn’t try to kill yourself after his death. Why didn’t you? Why aren’t you reacting in any way? Why aren’t you screaming and yelling at me for example? Why aren’t you trying to rebel in a more aggressive way? Don’t you think just not coming to our sessions is a little lame for someone like you? Don’t you want to let it all out?”

He definitely was trying to make her explode but she didn’t have the strength. “Why should I do that?  I do try to take out my anger, but the only one here with me is me so what’s the point of venting anyways? It’s not like I will feel better after I screamed at you”.

“Maybe your real problem is not that you’re lost, but that you don’t know how to deal with your grief. For me it looks like the only person you had a deep relationship with was your brother. He always led you on a path but now his guidance is gone. You’re not sure how to carry this burden on your own.”

Jisoo couldn’t reply.

“I know this conversation here might be nerve-wracking for you, but if it’s alright with you I want to talk about your brother a little more. Can you describe what you felt just before and after his death?” Mr. Lee asked her.

Jisoo tried to swallow down her tears, but they kept running down her cheeks.

“Jisoo, if you’re not ready yet you don’t have to tell me, you know that right? I’m not forcing you to tell me anything.”

Somehow Jisoo wanted to tell him about her brother though. She wanted to finally say the words out loud without burdening anyone else. “Before he died… every morning, it was terrifying to open my eyes, to even breathe, because I was scared he could be gone. In front of him I always tried to be happy and pretend that nothing was wrong, but when I was alone I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t even tell my parents about how I feel. I just wanted someone to support me. I was always trying to support Seokjin but who was there to support me? I’m just a human too! I’m not a robot. I felt like everyone else was running, so why was I the only one left behind?” Jisoo took a few tissues to wipe her face and blow her nose. Her eyes burned. “After his death the only thing everyone around me kept saying was to come to my senses. But every time I close my eyes, I feel like I’m still standing there. It’s like I’m lost between the desert and the sea. I am still lost, not knowing where to go and what to do. I know there are paths I haven’t gone to and paths that I can’t go to but it’s too difficult for me to choose, whether a path is correct or not.”

“To lose your path is the way to find that right path. Just because you don’t know which way to go doesn’t mean that any of them are wrong” Mr. Lee concluded. “Maybe there was a moment you enjoyed ever since your brother is gone?”

Jisoo knew a moment right away. “There was a dance crew in the streets I saw one time, and the other time a person I know played the piano with all his heart. But this person also made me realize that nothing is more miserable and lonely than not having something you want to do. He knows how to play the piano and it’s wonderful but at the same time he just doesn’t feel like playing.” After that Jisoo stopped talking.

Mr. Lee took out a notebook and wrote things down. “Ms. Kim, I think it’s enough for today. You must be really annoyed by what I’m about to say next, but I will give you some sort of homework. I want you to write two lists. One for things you liked and disliked before your brother died and one after his death. You might think this is stupid, but it will help us to find out what we can change to make you feel better and to find out what to do with your life.”

Jisoo did indeed think it was stupid, but she already told him so much that she at least wanted to give him a try in helping her. As their session was over she stood up and headed to the door. Before leaving the room, she turned around again. “Mr. Lee… I just… wanted to say thank you for listening.”