Chapter 26 – I love you

Jisoo walked up to Yoongi, without him realizing. He was standing there with his head resting on his crossed arms on the railing. He just looked down into the water. Jisoo came closer and stood next to him but with a little distance. She put her hands on the railing as well and looked down into the dark water. Yoongi finally realized someone standing next to him in the darkness, but Jisoo didn’t dare to look at him.

“This is the best dream I’ve had in a long time” Yoongi sighed.

Jisoo wasn’t sure what to reply. Did he think she wasn’t really there? Was this some sort of hallucination of his? “Why aren’t you replying to my messages at least?” Jisoo asked quietly. It was then when Yoongi realized that she was really standing right next to him. He was startled and took a step away from her. Jisoo was hurt by his reaction.

“Why… why are you here?” he asked.

“Because it just ended up like this, I guess… I need to talk to you Yoongi”, Jisoo replied and looked him straight in the eyes.

He looked exhausted and terrified. “I don’t think I have anything else left to say” he whispered.

This was the moment. If he didn’t want to say anything else, then she would. She had to turn off her emotions for his sake, just this one time, she had to do something to stop his suffering. She had been selfish her entire life, which only led to devastation. This time she wanted to free him, this time she wanted to let him go. Jisoo breathed in deeply and finally said the words she wanted to say for such a long time. “It’s not your fault Min Yoongi”.

“I don’t want your forgiveness!” Yoongi said with an aggressive tone. It seemed as if he thought Jisoo was just trying to calm him down.

“No, you don’t understand! I’m trying to tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place” Jisoo started but Yoongi seemed to become angry. He interrupted her.

“Just what’s wrong with you? Why can’t you scream at me or hit me? Why are you never saying what you really think? Just do something for goodness sake!” he yelled at her.

At first Jisoo couldn’t form the words. She didn’t dare to look at him and stared at the floor. “I killed Seokjin” she finally said.

Yoongi didn’t reply. Both of them were just speechless. Saying the words out loud like this hurt Jisoo so much, she felt as if someone stabbed her with a knife. However, Yoongi not saying anything was worse. What would he think of her now? How much would he hate her for letting him suffer this long? “I… I want you to stop living like this” Jisoo said. She thought having this conversation would be easy, that it would be over soon but Jisoo just couldn’t keep herself together. She felt tears falling down her cheeks. She turned around and tried to walk away. Even though she wanted to control her emotions, she just couldn’t in front of him. This person just made her weak and she hated it even more. Jisoo started to walk back the way she came from, Yoongi however held her arm to stop her from walking away.

“Kim Jisoo! What are you saying?” Yoongi screamed. “Make me understand!”

Jisoo tried to stop her tears from falling but she just couldn’t. She didn’t want to look at him like this. “Did you know that the first person someone thinks about when you’re troubled is your mother? For me it was always Seokjin though, he was the first person I thought about, he was the only one I trusted. After you told me that you two knew each other I felt hurt. I thought you betrayed me and that you used me for your own redemption, but it turns out you’re not a monster, but I am” she said while controlling her tears.

“Jisoo, what do you mean?” Yoongi urged her.

Jisoo was angry now. Why did he not understand? Why did he make her feel this way anyways? She turned around and glared at him. “I killed my brother, not you!” Jisoo yelled back. “He loved me more than he should’ve, and it destroyed him!” Yoongi looked at her confused. “I know this all sounds crazy, but this is the truth.”

“How come the truth I know is different then?” Yoongi asked.

“Because you don’t know everything! Whatever you said to him didn’t have the impact you think it did! You don’t know him the way I do! I… I found letters from my brother. He also talks about you…” Jisoo babbled, while crying.

“About me?” Yoongi was even more confused.

“He wrote that you will probably blame yourself, but he wanted you to know that he made the decision even before he got to know you. Therefore, you didn’t do anything to influence his thoughts or his decision in any way. The reason why he did it was me!” Jisoo sobbed. Yoongi however didn’t reply. He probably had to valuate what he just heard from her.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you the entire time, but you never answered my calls… I just wanted to tell you the truth because I don’t want you to suffer anymore. I want you to move on and never think about it ever again. I… I just want you to be happy” Jisoo said and turned around again. She started walking, she wanted to run and she just wanted to be alone.

“And how do you think I can be happy again?” Yoongi yelled behind her?

“Just accept what I told you. It’s ok if you blame me for the rest of your life, but I think it’s best if you just forget me” she said and kept walking without turning back. She was expecting or rather hoping Yoongi to come after her, but he didn’t. On the one hand it was painful. It meant that he didn’t have anything left to say, on the other hand Jisoo was relieved. She finally made the last step. She finally told him the truth and Yoongi was finally free.

Jisoo walked for a while until she arrived at a bigger road. There she managed to get a taxi to take her home. She cried the entire night. She wondered how much Yoongi would hate her. How terrible must he feel right now, knowing that the girl he spent so much time with was the reason for his devastation? Jisoo wasn’t sure if she could live with this feeling but she had to. She finally took the blame she deserved off of him. She just hoped that he would be able to accept it. Jisoo didn’t know when she fell asleep but when she woke up, she felt terrible. This was how her change was over. She turned back into her old self, into the old self that she didn’t like to be anymore but had to be from now on again. She woke up hating herself so much. However, this is how she would be living from now on. She would become the perfect daughter again that would have good grades and go to a top university. Nothing in her life would be enjoyable, but it was ok. This was the price Jisoo had to pay for everything she had done to Seokjin and to Yoongi. Because of her these two had been suffering for way too long, but finally both of them were free from her.

The entire weekend Jisoo didn’t leave her room. She tried to study but couldn’t concentrate at all. She ended up just drawing or reading over Seokjin’s diary again. It made her realize all of her faults. At the same time, she felt eased, because Yoongi finally knew that everything he blamed himself for wasn’t his doing. Jisoo realized that it was ok to lose all of her friends, losing Yoongi though ripped her heart into pieces. Before Yoongi had been the only thing that kept her safe and sane, but now she lost him as well. Jisoo wondered how she could cope with this situation, but she didn’t have an answer. Her thoughts were a rollercoaster of pretending that she didn’t even care and devastation. She didn’t want this to get too close to her, but how could she pretend nothing ever happened? She loved this boy more than anything in the world, but she couldn’t remind him of the suffering he had endured because of her. At the same time, he probably didn’t even want her anymore. How could he?

In the afternoon her mother came in to check on her. “Are you OK sweetheart?” her mother asked. Jisoo just nodded. “You might want to get changed, we have a guest downstairs for you”, her mother added. She looked at Jisoo as if she wanted to add something else or ask her something, but she didn’t say anything else and left. Jisoo wasn’t in the mood for guests, she also didn’t care how she looked right now and just walked out of her room barefoot in her jogging pants and a hoddie. She expected him to come. Jisoo had prepared herself for this… the moment he would finally blame her for his messed-up life. She walked down the stairway and wondered where her mother went. Around the corner of the stairs they had a little seating arrangement, where Jisoo saw someone sitting. She walked up to the person. Even though she knew who it was, she was still surprised that her heart skipped a beat. This feeling was so frustrating.

“Why are you here?” she asked annoyed.

“Because you just walked off” Yoongi replied. He didn’t look all to well. Even though Jisoo told him the truth he didn’t look better at all. It worried her and she hated herself for worrying. It was none of her business anymore.

“How about we talk somewhere else” Yoongi suggested looking around in the hallway. Her mother was probably curious and eavesdropping somewhere. Jisoo certainly didn’t want her mother to listen to this conversation and agreed. She put on some shoes and both of them left Jisoo’s house. They kept walking around the neighborhood without saying anything. It seemed like Yoongi wanted to say something but didn’t know how, whereas Jisoo had nothing left to say. They ended up in a neighborhood on a hill, where it was possible to see parts of the city. Yoongi stopped walking and stood at a fence that was installed to prevent people from falling down the stairs that led the way down to other neighborhoods. As a kid Jisoo had been here a lot as it wasn’t too far away from home but still far enough if she needed her space. Sometimes Seokjin and her would take a walk around in this neighborhood.

“What are you going to do now?” Yoongi finally asked.

“What do you mean?”

“What are you going to do if I can’t accept it? What if I can’t forget you?” Yoongi asked again.

Jisoo wasn’t sure how to reply. On the one hand her heart started beating like crazy. Him asking this question meant that he didn’t hate her, but at the same time she was scared. She didn’t want to drag him down a path he shouldn’t be going.

“If I could turn back the time I would. I want to turn back the time to when we didn’t know each other” Jisoo said.

Yoongi turned around to look at her for a while. “Stop lying Jisoo” he said. Jisoo couldn’t reply. He could see right through her. Of course, she didn’t want to forget him, but she just had to.

“I kept thinking about what you said the entire night, but I just don’t understand. I thought you hated me because it’s my fault, but then you said it’s your fault without explaining. I just can’t understand you anymore. Why are you pretending to be someone you’re not? Why aren’t you honest with me at least now?” he asked her.

He wanted her to be honest? She already told him the truth, what more did he want from her? “We keep breaking each other without mercy and I can’t show you a ruined part of myself anymore”

“Don’t you think I have a say in this as well? Tell me where the problem is so that I can understand, please” Yoongi begged her.

“I thought I changed for the better, but it turns out I didn’t. Once again I put a mask on and went to see you, but at the same time I have to hide because I’m a monster. The person you think you fell in love with isn’t here anymore. This is the real me. I’m selfish. I’m not interested in redemption” Jisoo forced herself to say.

“Yah! Kim Jisoo! Just stop it! How is all of this your fault? You just…” he sighed. “You really are selfish. How can you just tell me I didn’t do anything and try to run away from me? How does this make any sense? How is this going to help any of us? You’re the only thing that keeps me alive Jisoo. If it was for you I could pretend that I was happy even if I was sad. If it was for you, I could pretend that I was strong even if I was hurt, so please tell me how we can make this work…”

“You want to know why I told you? Because I didn’t want you to blame yourself for the rest of your life! I want us to stop pretending to be OK! I just wanted you to be free!”

“Free of what? Do you really think just by telling me this I would not feel guilty anymore? How can I? I saw you break down because of your brother! I promised him that I would protect you from all the pain but I only made it worse... Did you ever consider how I felt? Did you ever think that it was hard for me as well? How do you think I feel when I promised to protect you, but you’re trying to take the blame all alone? You actually think I’m free now?”

Jisoo was hurt by his sharp words. She really never considered how he would feel.

“When I realized that I fell in love with you, do you want to know how I felt? It was the worst feeling I ever had. I felt as if I did not only kill my friend, but I also betrayed him even after his death! But all I could think about was, if you would still be able to love me when I told you the truth. I was more afraid of losing you than breaking the promise to Seokjin.”

Jisoo’s eyes were filled with tears already. “What do you want me to do? Do you want me to pretend like I’m a good person? Do you want me to pretend that I didn’t cause you endless pain? You know that I can’t show you me and I can’t give you me. I am afraid, I am shattered and I’m so afraid that you will leave me again in the end. How will you ever be able to love someone like me?” she sobbed.

“Jisoo. I hurt you because I tried to protect you and you did the same to me. Let’s just stop being childish already. The past doesn’t explain who you will become. I don’t want us to regret it later on. I just can’t. I can’t even breathe without you near me. I don't want to know what it's like to live without you. I don't even want to know the other side of a world without you. You’re my beginning and my end and I can’t change anything about it, I don’t even want to change it. I love you Kim Jisoo!” he explained.

“But… I’m not good enough…” Jisoo kept sobbing.

“Neither am I, but I still want you! I don’t want to fight with you Jisoo, I really don’t but you’re just so stubborn.”

“Then tell me what to do!” she cried.

Now even Yoongi started crying. He just looked on the floor not knowing what to say. Jisoo couldn’t stand it. She took the blame for him to be happy, but he couldn’t be happy yet. She wished he could just forget her and move on, but it was too early for that. Without realizing Jisoo made a step towards him to stand right in front of him. She whipped away his tears with both of her hands. Meanwhile Yoongi put his arms around her waist and pulled her closer. He kept crying while burying his face in her hair. Eventually Jisoo gave in and put her arms around his shoulders as well. Both of them were sobbing for a while without letting go of each other. Eventually Jisoo couldn’t keep herself together. She had to get away from him before it was too late again. She freed herself from his embrace and took a step back.

“I’m sorry. I can’t” Jisoo explained.

“What are you so afraid of?” Yoongi asked her with his teary eyes.

What was she scared of? She couldn’t explain it in words. “I don’t know…” she said.

“I thought… staying away from you would be the best for both of us, but now I don’t think this is right anymore. Without each other we are a mess. I thought if we wouldn’t see each other everything would be fine eventually. However, I’ve never felt this miserable than when I was separated from you and I can’t stand it anymore.”

“But being together will not be helpful either. This relationship is toxic for both of us. How can two people be together when they only use each other for their own selfish reasons? Tell me how we can we justify this? How can we ever face Seokjin again? We’re both stabbing him in the back!” Jisoo sobbed.

“I wanna be selfish…” Yoongi whispered. “I honestly don’t care about the consequences anymore.”

“Then what’s going to happen next? Can we actually continue this relationship based on lies? It’s just too hard…” Jisoo explained herself.

“It’s not a lie. We both carry this burden for the rest of our lives and there’s nothing we can do about it. He’s gone Jisoo and he will never come back. I promised him to protect you and you promised to keep living for him, that’s the only thing left for us to do.”

“Do you think the grief and the guilt will ever end?” Jisoo asked him.

“I don’t know…” Yoongi answered.

“We will never forget it. Do you really think you’re going to be ok to be reminded of him every time you see me? Can you really love me more than you hate me?”

“Kim Jisoo, I never hated you. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us but I was wrong. The only way for us to survive is to carry the burden together. Alone we are not going to make it. I can’t do this without you, so please stop trying to carry the weight of the world alone. Let me help you” Yoongi told her.

Jisoo just stood there trying to understand. Everything she was afraid of seemed to have vanished. She had been so scared to lose Yoongi, because she thought he actually hated her. When she found out that he had known Seokjin she felt so betrayed and she held grudges against him. The moment she found out that it wasn’t his fault however, she thought she would never be able to face him ever again. She was so ashamed of herself and she hated herself more than anything in this world. All she wanted was to free Yoongi from the guilt, but she didn’t succeed. Now both of them were standing there feeling guilty about loving each other. Both of them felt as if they would hurt Seokjin by getting back together. How terrible it must have been for Yoongi knowing it all along. At least Jisoo only found out later that her brother loved her and that the two boys knew each other. For Yoongi however it must’ve been like hell on earth.

“I’m sorry that I let you suffer alone for such a long time…” Jisoo whispered. Yoongi just looked on the floor. He couldn’t answer at all. Jisoo wanted to hug him again but her body couldn’t move. She tried to find the right words to say, but what were the right words?

“Let’s stop feeling sorry for each other. Let’s start living because we’re not dead yet. Let’s just try to make the best out of the lives we have been given” Jisoo said while crying. Yoongi had tried to end his life once and Jisoo would never forgive herself if he would ever try again. She herself was just on the edge. She considered doing it but something stopped her. Just looking at Yoongi, now all broken and sad, made her realize that she only kept living for him. She didn’t want to be without him any longer. She just wanted to forget everything that had happened and begin from scratch even though it wasn’t possible. Both of them standing there made her realize that they were the same. Both broken, both hunted by their own demons with no way of escape. The only thing they could do was facing these demons together, because they would never be able to do it on their own.

“I love you, Min Yoongi” Jisoo said. Yoongi looked up straight into her eyes. Jisoo saw more tears coming out of these dark and sad eyes, but at the same time it seemed as if everything that felt so heavy in her heart was taken away. All the misunderstanding they had, all the things they have done and said to each other didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter who took the blame, because in their eyes both of them were evil from the core anyways. It was better to live a bad life together than alone. Jisoo stopped trying to find excuses why she couldn’t be with him anymore. Whatever she would try to tell herself, she would always end up coming back to him anyways. There was no use in denying it any longer. The only thing she was scared of was Seokjin never forgiving her, but that was something out of her control now. Jisoo took a step closer to Yoongi and put her arms around his shoulders again. It felt as time had stopped. Both of them just stood there crying and embracing each other for a long time without saying anything. There was no word that could explain what they felt in this moment anyways. It was as if both of them arrived after a long journey. It was as if everything that had happened to them in the past year would lead them to this moment.

To Jisoo this was probably the moment she felt sane again. Feeling Yoongi’s warmth just made her feel safe and wanted again. She never wanted to be separated from him again. Eventually they freed each other from the embrace without letting go of each other. Yoongi still had his arms around Jisoo’s waist and looked at her.

“What’s going to happen from now on?” he asked her.

“We’re going to make it through together. I don’t want to know who we are without each other, it’s just too hard. Even if we’re never going to be able to be good people I still wanna try with you. I know it sounds like a broken dream, but maybe one day… one day we can look in the mirror and love ourselves.” Jisoo said while drying Yoongi’s tears with her hoddie.

“Do you think our souls can be saved?” Yoongi asked her.

“I hope so…” Jisoo answered.

After both of them were done drying each other’s tears they sat down on a little bench behind them. The sun started to set slowly and both of them just looked at the orange colors. Eventually Jisoo took Yoongi’s hand in hers.

“Do you think this is a dream?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe we’re not really here. Maybe everything we are saying is just a product of our imagination. Sometimes I really think I’m crazy…”

Yoongi pulled her closer. He put away Jisoo’s hair behind her ears. His eyes weren’t as dark as before. They rather looked like the eyes of a little puppy, but they sparkled at the same time.

“I hope this isn’t a dream” Yoongi said and kissed her. Jisoo’s entire body was on fire. There were butterflies in her stomach and a raging fire in her veins. Her heart skipped a beat and she couldn’t breathe anymore. Her entire body was reacting to him. She put her arms around his neck and pulled him even closer. The shortage of air made her realize how weak she had gotten. She only cried for days and didn’t really eat much at all. She didn’t want to stop here, but she almost felt as if she would faint soon. As if Yoongi was able to read her mind he stopped and moved back a little.

“Are you ok?” he asked her. Jisoo nodded. She wanted to kiss him again, but she had no energy left. It was as if Yoongi had out the last bit of energy she had left inside of her like a vampire. Jisoo put her arms around his and put her head on his shoulders. Like this they just sat there watching the city turning dark slowly. The sun set was the most beautiful Jisoo had ever seen. She felt at ease with Yoongi next to her and nothing else mattered. Then she slowly closed her eyes. She was so exhausted from the last few months and especially the last few days. Her body just didn’t want to move at all. With her eyes closed she listened to Yoongi’s heartbeat and felt the warmth from his body. She wanted to stay like this for the rest of her life. Eventually her body just logged off and she fell asleep.

When Jisoo woke up, she was in her room. At first, she had no orientation and wondered where she was, but she soon recognized the furniture in her room. After slowly waking up she started to panic. How did she get home? What day was today? Did she dream or was it reality? She got up like someone had thrown a bucket of ice-water in her face, which made her a little dizzy. She searched for her phone. She pushed away all the messages she had gotten yesterday and checked what day it was. It was Sunday, 2pm in the afternoon. That meant that she either slept ever since yesterday and she only dreamed, or it really happened. Her heart began to race like crazy. If this had been a dream… what then? Jisoo looked on her phone again and checked the messages she just pushed away. Then she saw it.

11:53PM ~Call me when you get up

It was a message from Yoongi, that he sent last night. All at once Jisoo’s body yet again lost all of her energy. She laid back down on her pillow and cried little tears of happiness. She was so thankful for once. At the same time, she couldn’t wait to see him. Jisoo dialed the number right away and called him. This time she didn’t have to wait for minutes only to be connected to the mailbox. This time he picked up right after a few seconds.

“Are you just waking up now?” he asked her.

“Kinda…” Jisoo admitted.

“Are you feeling ok though? I was worried.”

“I think so… but… how did I get home yesterday?” Jisoo asked.

“Seriously? You must’ve been really exhausted”, Yoongi worried. “I carried you home because you fell asleep”

“You did?” Jisoo was a little embarrassed. Did she actually fall asleep and he had to carry her all the way to her room? Has he been in her room or did her mother help? Both scenarios were embarrassing. She didn’t want Yoongi to see her messy room and she definitely didn’t want her mother to question their relationship.

“Mh” he answered. “Your mother carried you to your room, but she might ask you a few things today. I sort of escaped from your house because I didn’t know what to do…” Yoongi described the scene. Jisoo had to laugh. She imagined Yoongi ringing the bell and her mother opening the door for him with Jisoo on his back. All sorts of thoughts must’ve gone through her mother’s head and Jisoo would have to face her questions sooner or later. For a while Yoongi didn’t say anything. Jisoo wondered if he was still on the phone or not.

“Yoongi? Are you still there?”

He cleared his throat. “Yeah…”

“Why do you sound so weird all of a sudden?”

“It’s nothing”

“Tell me already, I can hear it”

“You just… laughed” Yoongi said.

“So?” Jisoo wondered.

“It’s the first time I hear you genuinely laughing…” he explained. It was true. Ever since Jisoo had met Yoongi she usually just smiled out of politeness, but it was never because she actually felt like laughing. It hurt her heart a little that Yoongi only knew her like this, on the other hand she only knew him like that as well. Jisoo knew that every time she thought she had seen him happy he actually wasn’t. He always pretended to be for her. She wanted to change this. From now on she wanted to genuinely laugh with him, she wanted to enjoy every second of her life with him and never let go of him either